Thoughts From Guys On Our IM: Should You Dump A Woman If She Won’t Give Head?

skywalk
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]

Let’s take actually act of “head” out it and put any sexual fetish you may have (I hope I’m not the only one that has fetishes – nothing freaky hey it doesn’t always have to be “mission”.  If I was dating a guy and he was that weirded out by a totally normal sex act/simple fetish than I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life with that person… I would get bored.  Even though now that we don’t do them quite as regular because we are getting older, been together 10+ years (honeymoon stage is over) and working 50-60 hrs a week, we still like to once and while and we will always have those memories to keep us going when we are too busy.  I think sexually connection is way more important than worrying about letting yourself go, trust me if you man is happy between the sheets or in the city park  or where-ever than what you wear is not going to bother him as much.  But if you put them both together (dressing bad and not being attentive and giving in bed) he may start looking and so may you too if you were put in a similar situation.

bumbler
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]

The Socializer seemed to avoid the question on cheating…

SamL
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:40 pm: [report]

Well, let me have a say on this. Assuming the c0ck in question was totally clean - which believe me is not always a certainty, I would always expect to give head. If I’m good at it is not for me to say, but so far I haven’t had any complaints… and I mostly get the desired result, so I’ll assume my skills are adequate. (That said, I’ll take any tips on how I can improve my technique!)

@skywalk. That’s an interesting expansion on the question. Personally speaking, I’m with you.

If I’ve built sufficient trust in a relationship, be it man or woman, I’m happy to include any number of fetish acts in our sex life, with the strict proviso that it’s safe, clean and all parties agree to the experience.

That said, I wonder how many of the men here would be happy for me to use a strap-on dildo on them?

In my admittedly limited experience, it’s not many; but I’m happy to hear I’m wrong.

(P.S. How long will it be before some troll comes along and adds precisely nothing to this thread, apart from his own inadequacy?)

subpar
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:48 pm: [report]

Too busy swooning over Experienced Guy to add anything to the conversation.

ooi0katzy0ioo
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:59 pm: [report]

I just think it’s preference.  I have a terrible gag reflex and I just can’t get pass the head.  Just thinking about it makes me want to gag.  I’m also not a big fan of him going down on me.  We’re married and he knew this before we were married and it’s no big deal.  It’s preference.  I have no problem doing anything else.  Oral is just my exception…  I think it’s just important to communicate and if you’re not sexually compatible then it won’t work.

subpar
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]

I didn’t know The Frisky comments morphed into AOL chat logs circa 1997. So interesting.

Also, I believe ‘dump’ is the word you’re looking for. It’s easy to confuse ‘b’ with ‘p’... LOL! Loser.

cidonie
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]

I think an interesting follow up question would be if both were willing to give up oral sex altogether if one party didn’t like doing it. Fair? Sort of . . . .

PS. I would need all the other stars in alignment to stay with someone who wouldn’t!

ChoJinn
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]

Barring some very good reason, it would be a show-stopper.  Not because Bjs are the lifeblood of sexual experience for me - far from it - but just as I will do pretty much anything to get you off, you need to be doing just that for me.  Summary denial of such a basic sexual act would be a strong indicator of a woman’s inability to compromise.

NomChompsky
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:29 pm: [report]

Personally, I’m not real big on getting head, so I wouldn’t dump a girl if she didn’t give head.*

I would dump a girl if she didn’t ever want to receive it though.

*That being said, there’s probably some correlation between not wanting to give head and prudishness. So while I’m fine not getting head, I can’t imagine what kind of girl that WOULDN’T give head that I would date.

@SamL

That said, I wonder how many of the men here would be happy for me to use a strap-on dildo on them?

Not many, but aside from the stigma that comes with guys who are penetrated, anuses are way less expansive than mouths. Though I DO think that any guy who would pressure a girl in anal sex should at least be willing to be to return the favor.

majicksand
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:41 pm: [report]

My ex-husband informed me that he would have dumped any GF who wouldn’t give head.  I asked him how that applied to me since I was already his wife.  He told me that as his wife, I could opt to never do it again because wives are different than GFs.  He was a douche, so I never did it again.  If he complained, I reminded him that he said I didn’t have to.  That marriage was doomed long before anyway.

In good news, my current husband is not nearly stupid enough to challenge me that way.

NomChompsky
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:45 pm: [report]

Oh, and nothing is worse than clearly reluctant fellatio. I would rather jerk off, be done in 5 minutes and go back to writing my Dr. Seuss-style erotica than suffer through uninspired half-licks while you mentally redecorate.

develange
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:59 pm: [report]

for the relationship to possibly work, someone’s going to have to make the sacrifice. Either deal with the fact you’re not gonna get head, or deal with the fact that he really wants head.

If neither one wants to sacrifice, then he can find a woman who wants to blow him and she can find a guy who isn’t that into blowjobs.

It sucks being in a relationship where you aren’t satisfied sexually, and it also sucks feeling pressure to do something you really don’t want to do.

But maybe…just maybe…she has a sexual desire or fantasy that hasn’t been met that he isn’t that into. Maybe they can find a compromise there.

But seriously, what guy can enjoy a blowjob that is thoroughly not enjoyed by the woman? I would never try to pressure a guy to go down on me, but I would never want to receive unenthusiastic, reluctant cunninlingus.

develange
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:03 pm: [report]

I spelled cunnilingus wrong, sorry.

@ SamL : haha, I can only imagine what the beloved troll would say about this topic. Probably something like, “a real woman sucks dick.”

bumbler
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:09 pm: [report]

Shouldn’t you be off at antimisandry.com protecting poor unsuspecting men from breast cancer mailers?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:13 pm: [report]

@bumbler:

In the interest of promoting a healthy discussion in your bastion of safety/your parents basement/the internet, I pose these questions:

Other than the use of a prostitute or rape how do you expect to get laid with the attitude projected from this site (Police action not withstanding)?

Next, how do you expect to hold a job with these views? Most developed countries have laws that prohibit discrimination, how would you life be affected with these laws in place?

Thanks and regards,
Catullus

develange
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:15 pm: [report]

@ melissatoe:

except for you

kevinh
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:45 pm: [report]

well the 69 doesnt work well if one person isnt interested in the other persons parts.
by all means, my future ex-gf does not have to deep throat. a good tongue bath is completely acceptable but if she is completely unwilling to put any part of her mouth down there, it removes a lot of fun from the bedroom…or car..or elevator…or movie theater….

BlueVibe
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:48 pm: [report]

Okay, some of us do not like oral.  I don’t.  There’s nothing wrong with not liking it.  I do not have issues.  And I am not a high-maintenance, demanding, uptight, prissy girlfriend.  I don’t like lima beans, either, for much the same reason—I don’t like the taste or the way they feel in my mouth.  How oral on a man could be fun for a woman makes no sense to me at all.

It has nothing to do with a general unwillingness to compromise.  I’ll compromise on loads of things, but, so far, BJ’s ain’t one of them.  Maybe somebody will be able to change my mind one of these days, but I’m not holding my breath.

NomChompsky
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:51 pm: [report]

How oral on a man could be fun for a woman makes no sense to me at all.

Some women find it fun to be in control of so much pleasure. Some women simply like having things in their mouths. Some women like the feeling they get from doing something well.

If it doesn’t make sense to you, you’re not trying hard enough.

I’ll compromise

On loads of things but not things and loads?

I’m not holding my breath.

You could try breathing through your nose.

SamL
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:51 pm: [report]

@BlueVibe. ...but I’m not holding my breath.

Maybe that’s the problem!

secretstevie
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:58 pm: [report]

it is funny to me when women say they don’t want to give head because of a bad gag reflex.  i hope nobody takes that as a personal attack, it just seems like a silly excuse to me.  your guy isn’t asking you to shove it into the back of your throat!  i’m sure your man would be happy with a little tip-in-the-mouth, hand-on-the-shaft action.  i don’t even find it much of a chore.

NomChompsky
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]

Besides, I’ve licked my penis. It’s not that bad at all.

bumbler
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]

OMG CHeese You are my favorite.  Cheese for Poster of the Year!

SCRMOM
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]

@Nom: TMI

Knitter79
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:01 pm: [report]

Early in my last relationship I told my ex that I wasn’t ready to go down on him.  He took it as I never would and immediately told me that he would never go down on me.  Which probably wasn’t much of a loss given his general lack of skill in bed (and arrogance to not listen when I told him it wasn’t working).

That said, my problem isn’t the gag reflex, it’s that I have an uncontrollable urge to bite anything that goes in my mouth.

SCRMOM
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]

“i’m sure your man would be happy with a little tip-in-the-mouth, hand-on-the-shaft action.”

I doubt it, but I’m not a guy.  I can only compare this to a “little tip-in-the-vagina” which wouldn’t really do it for me.

SamL
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:10 pm: [report]

@NomChompsky
Besides, I’ve licked my penis. It’s not that bad at all.
Hey there Nom, you sound like my sort of man! Respect!

lifesaver10
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:27 pm: [report]

I know a guy right now who feels unsatisfied in his current relationship due to lack of oral. He feels like he’s missing out.  “The Dirty Texter” sounds just like him, I’m wondering if they are the same person????

IronSatan
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:38 pm: [report]

@sd_ref so….how did u pass high school without getting the SH*T beat out of u by these “fugly cows” all I have to say is take a look in the mirror if u can get ur head out of ur ass long enough….

PinkRanger
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:42 pm: [report]

haha, that guy thinks he “owned” somebody on an internet post….....hilarious how people think they can still do that.

IronSatan
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:47 pm: [report]

Ok onto my real reply/opinion essentially I have yet to find a chick that can get me off by giving head. Not sure if I am just weird but sex is so much more satisfying in my opinion, however in response to the ideas behind not reciprocating a sexual act you receive from your partner my response is: seriously if they are willing to do something for you then return the favor if there are no psychological qualms like rape, etc. If you wont do something for your partner then don’t expect it for yourself this goes to guys as well as girls. However if are a swamp monster then bleach that #&@$% if you want oral. Think about eating off of a toilet, you’d rather it be clean right? well then put 2 and 2 together and wash yourself.

_jsw_
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:50 pm: [report]

sd_ref has been reported.

Let’s not feed the trolls, please.

IronSatan
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:56 pm: [report]

I apologize for that

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 05:05 pm: [report]

An open letter to The Frisky:

I’m done with banning these people. If you can’t guarantee that these people won’t be able to subscribe and post I am going to leave, and not far behind me will most likely follow the most vocal members of your readership. I enjoy this place, it’s nice to talk to intelligent people who have strong beliefs and are tolerant enough to allow me to be part of the group. However I am sick and tired of this crap.

In the meantime I suggest removing sign-ups or severely inhibiting just who can sign up.

For the people who aren’t in-the-know I am providing some moderation services free of charge, but in the last few days I’m getting stressed out and don’t wish to carry on anymore. This place will soon be over run and frankly I can’t care anymore.

While I can appreciate all the doohickeys and whiz bangs you’ve implemented over the past few weeks I feel your time could of been better spent on developing security measures to combat the situation we are now in.

Fix it.

Cheese

retro chic
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 05:06 pm: [report]

I think it’s totally reasonable for anyone to part with anyone else who ultimately doesn’t please them in a way that’s vitally important to them. The Whys and Wherefores are not important. It’s too personal and intimate of an act that can set up all kinds of phobias and mixed messages. I think it should be expected if wanted, and with enthusiasm. Enthusiasm and the desire to give begets skill. Otherwise, why bother (laughing @Nom, #2… decorating?).

1. My very favorite when I’m truly connected with someone
2. Yes JDV: So true. The giving is the receiving (11:11)
3. Send Experienced Guy to LA… Nooowwww. Sorry, Amelia, he’ll have to do his IM-ing from here, if he were able.

PSA: No trollacio; this post or any other.

slip
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 05:34 pm: [report]

No head is—and has been in the past—a deal-breaker. I’ve gotta have it, and it’s gotta be enthusiastic. Just like when I go down on her.

Slip

pragmatryst
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 05:54 pm: [report]

“Should You Dump A Woman If She Won’t Give Head?”

That depends.  Would I dump a woman with whom I was not sexually compatible?  Yes, without question.  Does refusing to give head automatically imply sexual incompatibility?  Not necessarily.  Relationships are a two way street.  If I was open to pleasing my partner anyway she liked but she refused a specific activity like oral sex, then I would expect her to be flexible (no pun intended) in accommodating other things.  Now hypothetically if my name was Nick Cannon, a few thousand a week in spending money could make this whole conversation academic.

bogart4017
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 08:25 am: [report]

No i wouldnt dump a woman for that reason. But then again i don’t like blowjobs or women who insist something is wrong with me for not liking blowjobs. I don’t like spaghetti—-nobody gave me a bad plate of spaghetti, i just don’t like it. If a woman doesnt like giving head i would not judge her harshly. Look, my wife doesnt do anal. I’ve had it before, i know what its like and i had it good. I knew from the start she wasnt even the type to go there so its not gonna break our deal. Now if she was lousy in the kitchen….

GreyWolf
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]

@Knitter79… Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oral sex is really just a facet of the sex gestalt.  If everything else is fine, it’s lack isn’t that bad.  If everything else is bad, it won’t save things.

That being said, I am still amazed, and wonderfully thankful, that women enjoy giving oral sex.  Going down on a woman is just plain fun, but despite all the comments that women do indeed derive pleasure from a blowjob, I still consider it one of the greatest sexual gifts from my partner.

Would I dump a woman who wouldn’t give head?  No, but I think that would be symptomatic of a whole gamut of other desires that would probably also go unfulfilled.

SouthOC
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 10:11 am: [report]

Sexual compatibility is a huge part of a healthy relationship.  That being said…

Oral Sex should be # 50 on the things we’re concerned about!

I can see it now… he is lazy, doesn’t treat me with respect, is mean to the kids, gambles away our money and can’t pay the bills, but hey, he’s great at oral so I’m keeping him…

I’m sure there are millions of people who learn to please their partners out of love…  Maybe something that at one time isn’t a priority (like oral) becomes more important in time.

Focus on the major things.  I think this is a minor thing.  I’m going to go ahead and say it… “If you dump someone over this, you’re shallow.”

SouthOC
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 10:13 am: [report]

@GreyWolf:  I totally agree with you!!!!!

Molly Jean
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]

Every IM respondent in this story, except The Experienced Guy, either grossed me out (majorly) or made me never want to date another man again.

DancingGeek
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]

Damn! Why do I always miss the comments of the trolls??!!

I’ve only been with one man who said bjs didn’t do anything for him, and I have to say I was a tad disappointed.

tweakerbell
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 01:28 am: [report]

@Molly Jean… Ditto.

ariscari
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]

Interestingly enough, I give my boyfriend oral all the time, but he refuses to do it for me.
Apparently, he hasn’t done it since his teens because one girl was just so nasty.
I love him, he’s my best friend, so I’m not going to break it off over that.
I’d rather make him happy than fight over it, and you can’t miss what you’ve never experienced.

NibbleNibble
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]

Frankly, I enjoy going down on a man.  Especially a man who enjoys me going down on him. Having had said that, proper hygeine prior to and in anticipation of is common sense and asking/exploring what makes him feel the best is half the fun…the other half is him doing the same for me. It is a serious turn-on that he knows I am enjoying noshing on him, and being the nosh-ee

TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 12:35 am: [report]

@SouthOC “Oral Sex should be # 50 on the things we’re concerned about!... If you dump someone over this, you’re shallow.”

Very well said!

TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 12:39 am: [report]

@SCRMOM ““i’m sure your man would be happy with a little tip-in-the-mouth, hand-on-the-shaft action.”

“I doubt it, but I’m not a guy.”

You’d be surprised. A little of that goes a long way—no pun intended.

ChocoBoo
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 04:05 am: [report]

Barring any past traumas, cultural/ religious taboos aside…
I think simply being ‘into’ your is what makes a huge difference as to whether or not you enjoy giving head.
My husband (when he was stiil my BF) was the first and only man I finally tried giving a BJ too. At first, it seemed tiresome and… odd. I don’t have the same equipment, so I was nervous as to what the hell I was supposed to do with him. Why did I try? ‘cuz I truly get off watching him get off.
That being said, after years of practice: it’s one of my most favorite things to do with him.. And I’ve been told I deserve an award for how I please him !
Hearing that from him= BIG GRIN

NibbleNibble
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]

It would seem that prior to me, there was another NibbleNibble posting on this site. Oh my. How awkward. Please do not confuse me with that person….So please let me introduce myself.  I am NibbleNibble, female, and frisky.

MuchoMacho
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]

im going to be going down on her…  i expect her to respect me enough to go down on me.  if there were “issues” she had, id help her work through them, or try.  i dont need her to be amazing.  i need her to be willing.  so yes.  if a girl wouldnt go down on me, that would be a deal breaker.

fuseboy
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]

I am in my late 40’s and going down on my Baby (Wife) still drives ME crazy. The belly/hips/thighs area of a woman’s body is a sweet, mystical place. For whatever reason, and she told me this early on, she does not reach orgasm easily via cullingus.Stop…I can tell she enjoys it and THAT turns me on big time. When I do get her there with my mouth it’s amazing for both of us. She does not go down on me as often as I like as she is not that fond of doing it. So…when she does…YEAH BABY!
I love my Wife even though we do not always see eye to eye but sex is a gift of life…not a tool of relationships.
My two cents…

metaldoc
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]

count me as another one who could care less about BJs. Once in a while is ok, but I dont get off that way, and most of the time, I would just rather not have it done at all.

PassTheDutchie
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 03:40 pm: [report]

Depends on the reasons for not liking to give BJ’s.

I’d probably wind up finding someone else.

I’ve dated women who just didn’t like it and I’ve dated women with a skewed idea that BJ’s are some male attempt at domination over women and making them subservient.

Now I won’t argue that that is indeed how some men have used blowjobs, and how porn frequently represents blowjobs, but I was offended at the blanket generalization and the implication that my desire for a BJ was anything beyond the fact that I enjoy and like the feel of it (I also enjoy reciprocating).  The very idea that one, or any number of sexual activities would be outright dismissed in their entirety because of some militant view that projected the entire act, across the whole spectrum of people on the planet as male subjugation of the woman and a desire to treat her like a dominated object was just too much for me.

I also broke up with the one who just didn’t like to give BJ’s.  Although it wasn’t the main reason (or really any of the ‘real’ reasons) we broke up, it was one of those things that was viewed as a negative.

In the end I’d say it’s not only the ‘not liking’ the BJ as it is the blanket refusal of a sexual act your partner enjoys.  Also, there have been things I didn’t necessarily enjoy with certain women that I found I really did when the right woman came around who made the specific acts enjoyable. Had I been so closed minded as to shut those doors on our SPECIFIC relationship because of preconceived notions and generalities or hangups I brought from previous relationships, I would have missed out as much as she did.

Besides…sex is an integral part of any relationship..and sexual fulfillment is an integral piece of the puzzle.  If one person really likes something and the other doesn’t like to or won’t give that to the other person, more often than not it’s going to lead to trouble later. I don’t feel bad for oral sex being part of my sexual requirements (both getting AND giving…I’ve found women who don’t like to receive oral to be just as frustrating).  It’s something I enjoy and it’s something I’m not going to decide just to do without for the rest of my life, any more than I’d give up the actual in-and-out.

Yodar Critch
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 10:27 am: [report]

I am surprised at the number of posters that link two distinct activities.

“If he/she won’t do me, then I won’t do him/her”

It sounds kinda childish to me.  The individual acts should be done because you like doing it/like the result not because of any score keeping.

I love pleasuring my lady and I like when my lady pleasures me.  But my enjoyment of pleasuring my lady is not linked to my lady pleasuring me.

If my lady did not like pleasuring me, but I like pleasuring her, what’s the problem?  It is not being selfish, it is recognizing that some people simply don’t like some activities.  As long as there are other pleasurable activities…..

EricaB
wrote on November 1 2009 @ 08:40 pm: [report]

Yodar Critch:  I agree, but I also disagree.  I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say “if you won’t, I won’t”.  I see it as extremely selfish to say, “I won’t but still expect you to.”  However, if you enjoy giving and don’t care about receiving, then of course there’s nothing wrong with that.

Like I said on the other column, I believe oral sex is way down the list of importance.  Sex in general is very important (unless you both choose to abstain until marriage, I respect that), but one specific act is not as important “as long as there are other pleasurable activities”.  If this is a major issue, then I believe there are other issues getting in the way as well.