Thoughts From Guys & Gals On Our IM: Do Condoms Suck That Much?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
guys
1:30PM, Sunday December 14th 2008
A Note On Playing It Safe: The Frisky thinks safe sex is smart sex - so please practice it in the way that’s right for your relationship.
So, NPR posted a story saying that condom-less sex is the new engagement ring, because going bareback shows the same or similar kind of intimacy and trust and commitment that traditional marriage does. I see their point, though the man-friend and I dropped the connies well before we got engaged—but only when we’d agreed to be monogamous and had done the all important STD-tests etc. Over at fellow lady blog Jezebel, outgoing Features Editor Moe says about sex without a condom:
“...here is the irrefutable: it feels awesome. Maybe that is because I have only really engaged in bareback sex with the types of dudes who don’t fear HPV and whose diseases I don’t particularly fear, because the worst thing I can think of about most of them is the ensuing lifetime of awkward conversations…”
In other words, sex with condoms sucks, the worst that could happen to me if I go without condoms with a dude is maybe I could get pregnant or get HPV or “diseases I don’t particularly fear” and of having those diseases, the worst part is having awkward conversations with future sex partners. There is so much that is ridiculous about that statement, but I’m not in the business of ripping people apart for their personal sexual choices.
BUT the thing that struck me as most interesting is the notion that sex with a condom is so horrible and feeling-less and lame that risking infection is worth it for the awesomeness of sex without a condom. Maybe I’m nutty, but I never minded using condoms. I’m a paranoid freak so sex with a condom has always been preferable to the best case scenario of going without (having to make an annoying trip to the gyno because I had unsafe sex and need to get tested and/or checked to make sure I’m not with child) and the worst case scenario (you know, HIV, herpes, an unplanned pregnancy, etc.).
Curious about how other people felt, I decided to poll the guys and gals on my IM about how they feel about condoms.
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atlgirl
wrote on July 25 2008 @ 10:04 am: [report]
Okay, I have to agree with Helen! It might not be popular to say, but that “clean” feeling afterward can be pretty convenient.
oogabooga
wrote on July 25 2008 @ 10:13 am: [report]
Helen and atlgirl make SUCH a good point.
LovesIt
wrote on July 25 2008 @ 10:50 am: [report]
Doesn’t it defeat the purpose of a condom to have sex with it and then finish him off with an unprotected bj…?
Amelia
wrote on July 25 2008 @ 11:01 am: [report]
@LovesIt Technically you are right—to be truly protected during oral sex, you should use a condom. But I think it’s pretty unlikely that you’ll get anything, unless you just don’t notice he has a herpes sore. It’s like, who uses dental dams during cunnilingus anymore?
LovesIt
wrote on July 25 2008 @ 11:13 am: [report]
@Amelia. The risk for transmission is supposedly lower when it’s oral sex on a woman. A woman performing on a man can get just about any STD, including HIV if the conditions are right. (See link)
Just want to make sure that readers don’t get too flippant about their health protection in the name of comfort!
Bertram
wrote on July 25 2008 @ 11:26 am: [report]
Considering it certainly feels ‘different’ for both sides, but still ‘better than no sex at all’. It certainly feels better than having to make a Dr.‘s appt.
As a guy the majority of guys I hear use the excuse ‘I just can’t get off’ are using that as a line.
Amelia
wrote on July 25 2008 @ 11:36 am: [report]
@LovesIt Suffice it to say, the only way to protect yourself from STDS and AIDS is to not have any kind of sex, period. If you’re going to have oral sex, the best way to protect yourself is with a condom or a dental dam. Ditto for intercourse. And, since we never know when a partner is going to cheat on us, it’s still safest to continue to use protection during a monogamous relationship and marriage.
Juan Dô
wrote on July 25 2008 @ 06:34 pm: [report]
Gosh, reading this takes me back a few years to when I was young, single, and sexually active. I vividly remember analyzing the issue of whether condoms compromised the situation. Because I came of age well after AIDS, my early experiences ALL involved condoms. Actually, my first girlfriend made me wear TWO condoms, every time. I think for a while, I actually associated condoms with the visceral thrill of finally losing my virginity, and they were somehow a turn on. I did prefer going without later, if I remember correctly.
Some dude
wrote on July 25 2008 @ 10:13 pm: [report]
I’m surprised no guys have shared my viewpoint thus far. I’ve never had sex without one and never will. The condom is not an article of feminine liberation but one of masculine liberation. It is how I control what happens in a relationship, independent of how she controls it. Some women insist on condoms and are on the pill. That’s great. Others don’t and aren’t. And then there are those who are, well, less than honest. The equivalent to the dude who takes off a rubber in the middle of the action is the chick who says she’s on the pill but isn’t. That’s not cool. But with a condom, I’m still in control - sort of, anyway.
Sex would actually be a lot more fun if it started with me playing a round of Russian Roulette with a 200-chambered revolver, then getting down to business (assuming I win) without condoms or the possibility of disease or pregnancy. It would be far better to die quickly than suffer for 20 years as my time and earning power vanish down the black hole of a young mouth I never wanted to feed, or into the hands of the medical establishment for endless painful or expensive treatments.
Since it doesn’t work that way, if I’m going to have sex, I’m damned well going to wrap the fish whether she wants me to or not. And truth be told I’m usually too worried about the remaining 1% or so to have a good time anyway. This ain’t a game, people.
atlgirl
wrote on July 26 2008 @ 03:59 am: [report]
@SomeDude: It’s great to hear your perspective. More people need to man up like this.
Amelia
wrote on July 26 2008 @ 06:11 am: [report]
@SomeDude: Seriously, this is so refreshing to hear. I think the reason why most people, particularly young single folk in their 20s dont always wear condoms is that, for whatever reason, we have this feeling of invincibility—“Herpes would NEVER happen to me” or “There’s no way I’ll get pregnant if he pulls out”. Personally, I’d like to leave luck out of it completely.
Budlight Lime Gal
wrote on July 28 2008 @ 11:27 am: [report]
Since reading SomeDude’s post I’m actually going to take more responsibility w/ my boyfriend & I.
Mature Me
wrote on July 29 2008 @ 02:36 pm: [report]
My wife and I have been together for, like twenty years (jeeze!) and we have used just about every birth control there is short of surgery. Right now she’s getting those shots every three months - yee ha!
Condoms simply don’t make for the best sex but they can be used cleverly. In the case of oral, many women enjoy performing while far fewer like “completing” the act. So, they use their hand at the last moment and everyone is happy. Well, the same could easily apply to intercourse; use the condom as long as you’d like then remove it and complete the act manually. It’s actually kind of fun! Also, pour a few drops of lube into the condom before putting it on; it REALLY helps!
Peter
wrote on July 30 2008 @ 11:15 am: [report]
When I was dating a girl who didn’t want to take hormonal birth control, we used natural membrane condoms, which were perfectly fine, but latex is worse than useless. I can’t maintain an erection with one, let alone orgasm, and nearly all my partners have complained that they chafe (either lubricated or otherwise). Personally, I feel absolutely nothing through them, and would rather stay at safe second- and third-base activities than have intercourse, if they are the only option. I suppose if penetration were really important, I could wear a strap-on - it would probably feel pretty similar.
For whatever it’s worth, nearly everyone I’ve talked to shares this opinion - even the signators of my college’s safer sex organization. I think it’s a poorly kept secret that pretty much everyone finds latex pointless and absurd.
another guy
wrote on July 31 2008 @ 07:29 pm: [report]
i have always been in the category that prefers no sex over rubber-sex.. but after meeting a new girl that i actually really liked who absolutely insisted i have had to learn to cope. here’s a hint guys, lay off on the porn a bit. I know knocking your daily private time sessions down from 3 to 1 might take a lot of will power, but it will pay off when your doing the condom thing. (and yes ladies, 2-3/day is quite common even when he’s in a sexual relationship with you the exalted one) who knows you might free up some more time for other important things…like reading this blog
Amelia
wrote on July 31 2008 @ 07:36 pm: [report]
@another guy You just blew my mind with that porn info. Might need to explore that with the guys on our IM.
Papillon
wrote on August 1 2008 @ 07:56 am: [report]
I’m engaged to my fiance and we are in a very trusting, monogamous relationship. (or else I wouldnt be with him) Sometimes we use condoms, sometimes we don’t. Neither of us have any diseases and the chances of me getting pregnant are very unlikely (as I have my own problems performing in that area myself). He says the same thing about “it just not feeling the same” but when we met, condoms were our best friends and I remember him getting off just fine. Funny thing is, I remember my orgasms being a lot stronger then when we using condoms than now.. its all in our heads
cls
wrote on August 1 2008 @ 03:29 pm: [report]
best thing about a wearing a condom is finishing inside the woman. Sometimes ill have sex without the condom and put it on towards the end. Nothing like it. I like sex with or without the condom, a bj with??? never. skip it
theothergyllenhaal
wrote on August 1 2008 @ 04:34 pm: [report]
@some dude:
I admire your willpower and taking the lead. That said, this threw me: “And truth be told I’m usually too worried about the remaining 1% or so to have a good time anyway. This ain’t a game, people.”
Why have sex if you’re not enjoying it?
Fallen Soldier
wrote on August 2 2008 @ 04:49 am: [report]
I’m not a fan of condoms personally as they dull the sensation and sometimes make it impossible to achieve an orgasm. That being said I also am of the mindset that you shouldn’t be sleeping with someone unless you would trust them with your life to begin with. There’s alot to be said for abstaining untill you reach that point and compromising with oral in the mean time.
@Helen and the cleanliness people: They also rob the situation of a certain aspect of intimacy that alot of women value. That is to say they like to hold onto the evidence so to speak. To go into greater detail would be a whole different conversation but I believe you get the idea.
Meself
wrote on August 2 2008 @ 02:35 pm: [report]
@Amelia. Since most people contract Herpes from a partner with no visible external outbreak, what is the relevance of “not noticing he has a herpes sore”?
Also men can have an outbreak inside the urethra and not on the skin so if using the “no visible herpes sore” method you should inform how you check the urethra prior to engaging in sex. Cystoscope? Any of your partners hesitant when you show them the scope and tell them where you’re going to put it?
Meself
wrote on August 2 2008 @ 02:50 pm: [report]
@Peter I’m always amazed at people who can speak for “pretty much everyone.” With so many people in the world it boggles my mind that I’d be able to talk to all those people, much less discuss condoms with all of them! You are one amazing dude!
Since you’ve spoken to pretty much everyone, did you find a difference between countries? Are men in some countries feeling better about condoms?
I don’t find latex pointless or absurd. Never have a problem finishing. Just in case you wanted to add that to your database as I hadn’t recalled participating in your study previously.
Gwendolyn
wrote on August 5 2008 @ 08:33 am: [report]
I also feel that sex with a condom is a heck of a lot better then no sex at all. Bottom line is, if you want it bad enough you will wrap it up.
Reallyrealguy
wrote on August 24 2008 @ 02:47 pm: [report]
#&@$% condoms!! i hate them!
just gotta be sure the girl is clean and on the pill
shelleatualive
wrote on August 26 2008 @ 10:30 am: [report]
@ fallen soldier
I think its a very pretty notion that we should only sleep with people we “trust with our lives” but in this day and age is that really a realistic point of view?
I’m not doubting that if those are your morals you have the will power to wait until you trust someone that much, but I would like to remind you that there are alot of STD’s that are completely symptom free, so if your partner has something and doesn’t know it you could still be at risk. And for those of us who just don’t have time for a long, trust building relationship before coitus, thank god for the Trojan man!
As far as women wanting to “hold onto the evidence” where are these women? Tell me so I dont borrow any clothes from them!
I’m not doubting you have come into contact with women like that, but being a card carrying woman I would like to way in and say GROSS!! I dont mind semen, I even swallow, but there is something about laying there while your beloved goes to fetch a towel to clean all his little guys off of your whatever that is gross.. Its a part of life and i dont avoid it and am not offended by it, but take it home? No thank you
smellycats
wrote on December 14 2008 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
I know this isn’t a popular position on here, but just sharing my opinion.
I’m a virgin (not that I haven’t had my share of offers) and my boyfriend and I won’t be having sex until we’re married so I don’t have to worry about STDs and I’ll get birth control when it becomes time so we’ll get to enjoy all the condomless, STD-less sex we want for the rest of our lives. Sigh.
Why can’t we just get married tomorrow? lol.
I do appreciate that people who have chosen to have sex anyway are taking precautions, however and think that it really isn’t worth the risk just for comfort.
Kittykatkate
wrote on December 14 2008 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
how much more effective is a condom vs. the pill? And is the shot more effective then the regular ol’ pill?
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 14 2008 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
@Bertram, I dont think its a line. I posted fully in another condom related article recently and I think if your in a committed, faithful relationship and each others medical history then I am all for practicing other methods of BC and forgoing a condom. If its causual sex, you need one for medical reasons or otherwise then knock yourself out. I may be an alien type of guy but I will gladly pass up sex compared to sex with a condom, I find it totally unenjoyable. Not advocating to anyone else mind you, this is all my personal opinion.
alezsu
wrote on December 14 2008 @ 03:34 pm: [report]
Sex without a condom is better, but it’s only better in the context of knowing that I’m in an honest, loving, and faithful relationship with this person (or persons, for you triads out there). Then I can enjoy it without the drama and mad regretz and the Plan B and messing up my 6-month testing schedule and blah blah blah.
And I wonder why people are harshing so much on the commenters (LovesIt and somebody else, I forgot) who pointed out that unprotected oral sex is dangerous, too? It is - herpes, HIV, hep C and a couple of other big nasties can all be transmitted by mouth-to-genital contact, especially if semen gets involved. So why the sarcasm and harsh remarks?
Honestly, my ideal is monogamous, safe-without-protection (i.e. both been tested twice, i’m on BC or he’s vasectomized) sex. But then again, most of my sexual awakening took place while at undergrad in Washington, D.C., land of a thousand STIs. So maybe folks in the District are trained to be more careful than most?
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 14 2008 @ 03:41 pm: [report]
alezsu
Thats where I grew up as well and maybe your right on that part lol. I agree totally with your last paragraph that is my ideal. Thats what I strive for and the only situations that I have been in previously so maybe thats why I hate so much on condoms. For casual and std protection use them if you want, for me peronally I just dont like at all.
suzybabies
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 12:38 pm: [report]
i totally agree with the point i’d rather have safe ‘un-intimate’ sex than have then uncomfortable realization a month down the road. when the guy is no where to be found. #&@$% that i will wait till i get engaged or in a serious live in relationship before i get rig of the toque.
check out the top ten worst condom ideas!!!
studyandscore.blogspot.com
ClatieK
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 07:49 pm: [report]
@smellycats - is your boyfriend a virgin as well?
Also, are any of the other women here pissed that they don’t test men for HPV? He can get a “clean” bill of health but that won’t mean sh*t.
crmsnkatt
wrote on December 16 2008 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
I was one of those girls who was partying too hard, having too much sex, and ended up pregnant. My daughter’s the best thing that ever happened to me, but I was taking such a HUGE risk to my health by not always being protected. I’ve been tested for STDs multiple times in the 3 years since my daughter was born and am (thankfully) clean.
That being said… I hate condomless sex. My boyfriend and I are in a serious monogamous relationship and are even talking marriage. While we’ve had condomless sex before, we’ve decided that we won’t again until I have my IUD placed. As much as I love my kid, I don’t want another one just yet.
grace
wrote on December 16 2008 @ 02:45 pm: [report]
Condoms were invented for a reason. They have different flavors and sizes and feel. Why someone would NOT use one is baffling to me. This in regards to sex-outside-marriage.
As for sex-within-marriage, it is a different story because you know your partner is clean and you can switch to the ‘rhythm’ method as long as you are quite sure he or she is not a “cheater.” In this manner, condoms are not necessary.
The funny thing about sex is that it is not necessary even though I love it just as I do a good meal or a beautiful piece of artwork. There are many ways to be super-sexual without the actual act. It is a shame that more people do not practice these alternate ways because there would be less accidental pregnancies and sorrow. Such is life.
aryn525
wrote on December 17 2008 @ 04:58 pm: [report]
I think it is better without, but I’m not about to go and get myself pregnant just because something feels better, and there are lots of other ways to protect yourself without condoms, as long as your positive both of you are STD free.
BrunetteBeauty
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 06:42 am: [report]
Hey, most sex stores have these condoms that are called Bareback. They aren’t as good as going completely condomless but they are way better than the traditional condom.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 08:12 am: [report]
I think if you are simply “hooking up” or engaging in casual sex and want to be protected or are unsure of their faithfulness or medical history, use one and knock yourself out. If you are in a committed relationship that is faithful, neither of you cheat and youve both been tested, if you agree upon other means rather than a condom then fine, dont use one and that is your choice. Im sure a lot of women have very strong feelings on this as do some men.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 18 2008 @ 08:26 am: [report]
I just wanted to clarify to whom your speaking, if it was me the fact is I’m not. I speak only from past experience and the feelings of many friends, both single and attached, men and women. I dont want to be misconstrued that I only ask my male friends and “of course all men dont want one”, not true obviously. I just dont think using one is a 100% of the time situation but thats just me personally. =) Happy holidays to you as well
DidSheReallyGoThere
wrote on December 19 2008 @ 07:03 pm: [report]
Having been informed that even the trustiest condom doesn’t protect against “everything”...I think an individual’s best bet is to do a better job of knowing what they’re getting into (or what’s getting into them)!
I’d like to hear from the readers who’d ‘do it with a condom’ to someone who admits they
have HIV/AIDS, HPV, Herpes, Gonnorhea, Chlymydia, “Tric”, or even a friggin yeast infection.
Just cuz the liquor and conversation is flowing, their breath smells fresh, and we are mutually horny is not enough good reason to jeopardize each other’s (And the future sex partners’) health.
I have been in two committed relationships, and have two cute kids. Now that I’ve come to my senses, I am collecting condoms like rare coins, although I’m currently planning for celebacy if/when my current relationship ends. I like clean bills of health when I get my examinations alot better than a slightly better sensation in bed with someone whose sexual history I don’t even know. But apparently…that’s just me.
AndroidBoy420
wrote on December 20 2008 @ 09:22 pm: [report]
I’ve been with the same partner for 20 years, and sometimes I use a condom, just for a change of pace. A few tricks: The lube inside the condom was already mentioned, and it works really well if you can avoid slippage…The Kimono brand condom has a little bit of adhesive in the tip that diminishes slippage and increases sensation. The most important thing, I’ve found, is a good fit. The average condom is sized for a 6” jimmy of 2.5”-3” circumference. If you’re bigger than that get some magnums. If you’re smaller than that, go to J-list.com and buy some japanese condoms. When it cums to rubbers, size IS everything.
AndroidBoy420
wrote on December 20 2008 @ 09:24 pm: [report]
I hate back-to-back posting, but I notice nobody’s talking about female condoms…I wonder why?
develange
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
even if you’re in a committed relationship or married, it doesn’t mean can’t get an STD . . . people don’t know they have one, people lie about having one, people cheat with people who have one, etc. Maybe that’s the cynical point of view, but if so many people with STDs don’t even know they have one . . . how is their partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband going to know?
I went for years using condoms religiously, until the fateful night I tried condomless sex with a man I was madly in love with. We broke up for a while and going back to rebound condom sex was hard . . . but I guess it was the smart decision. Thankfully, after some time apart and some testing, we got back together and I’m now back to riding the condomless train! wooo!
But, to go back to my first paragraph…it still doesn’t mean I’m safe. So yeah, I guess I’m lame for not using one.