Take It From Him: If He’s Not On The Market, You Should Shop Elsewhere

powplz
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]

“Subtelty is your friend.  We’ll pick up on the signals…”  Really? In my experience, men never catch subtle hints and direct, straightforward communication is the only way to make sure you’re sending clear signals.

MsMami
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]

I had lost touch with a friend and recently got back in touch with him only to find out that him and his girl friend (not married) had a 5 year old and a 1 month old baby. But i wanted him so bad, that none of that mattered. So he came by my house and we had a few drinks, one thing lead to another and we slept together and when we woke up, i had marked his neck up pretty bad!! He went home and of course his girl kicked him out. Now we live together.. and I have no clue if this will ever work out.
** IM NOT PROUD OF THIS!!! **

TinaTuna
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]

@MsMami,
You are not proud of this yet you are still living with him? You knew he was taken, you knew he had a family and more importantly, HE knew he had a girlfriend, the mother of his children. Take it from someone who has had this happen to her….everybody looses. And no, it won’t work out. You “got” each other through dishonesty and cheating.

MsMami
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]

Very true. This just recently happened and i just feel terrible for the mother of his kids. Although they were split up at the time and were living together made it seem alright at the time, but what relationship doesnt have an argument that ends up with “its over”? We both are ashamed, and we should have thought about the consequences.

spark
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]

um… whoever wrote the headline probably should have read the article.  the headline does not match the article at all.  it probably should read something more like, “take it from him: if he’s not on the market, shop carefully.”

tigerstripe
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]

The title of this article does not seem to be very reflective of the content - You should shop elsewhere, but as long as you’re subtle and the gf is in the next state over, you’ve got a chance? 

I think Phil just wants to get hit on more often.

tigerstripe
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 12:38 pm: [report]

@snap whoops, sorry about that!

hlnbabe
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]

@snap/tigerstripe: hahaha! i’m glad you guys caught that too. i read the article thinking he’d say something like, “we’ll sleep with you even if we have a girlfriend, but we won’t break up with our girlfriend necessarily”. instead he talked about being subtle and possibly having a chance.

impoddity
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 02:29 pm: [report]

@joyy:  I’ve had mixed results.  Some guys are on the ball and ready to read, and others are still using Hooked-on-Phonics.

ootie
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]

I would never ever ever hit on a guy with a girlfriend. Its such a bitch move. If I did and the guy went for it, I would just think he was a sleaze anyway.

bumbler
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 02:51 pm: [report]

Good to know we can still excuse horrible behavior with “but I really WANT it.”

brandyalexander
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 02:54 pm: [report]

Jesus, no.  I would never.  And really, if he did it to her, he’ll do it to you.  So much seems like common sense.

CaleeKay
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 04:14 pm: [report]

wait. msmami isnt really in the wrong here. even though they have kids and are living together, doesnt make it wrong for her to go for the guy. Yeah its a little strange and all, but they are probably only living together for the kids.
now if things were trying to be patched up and he never mentioned that, its not msmamis fault. It was his fault for being a sleaze and accepting another advance for a women.

i take it as a compliment when my boyfriend gets hit on. weve been together for 5 years and were happy with ourselves. We enjoy telling eachother the stories when things like that happen, but we know not to put ourselves in positions to even remotely give in.

majicksand
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 04:29 pm: [report]

I went to a work party once with my ex (his work), and spent a good 3 hours chatting with a woman I met there.  She invited me to come out and ride her horses next time I was in town, go clubbing, the usual.  After we left my bf told me she blatantly hit on him the second I excused myself to get the kids ready to go.  I found out later that she had apparently hit on everyone other than the host (boss).  Some women have no class.  She was not invited to the next party.

bumbler
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 04:29 pm: [report]

@Calee I disagree.  While he is obviously the worse offender for cheating on his girlfriend that does not absolve her of any responsibility to be a decent human being.  I see too often on sites like Jezebel women making excuses saying that as long as you’re not the one with the commitment you are doing nothing wrong by pursuing a relationship with someone already in one.  What they fail to acknowledge is that they are taking part in an action that can severely hurt a person who has done nothing to them (in this case I’m sure the children were adversely affected as well).  Even without a spoken commitment there is still a societal expectation that you do not go out deliberately others and with good reason.  Selfish, harmful behavior is the anti-thesis of our societal evolution.

GreenAura
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 04:53 pm: [report]

@ CaleeKay:  wait until you’ve been the scorned girlfriend and tell me how innocent you think the other woman is.  She KNEW he was in a relationship.  She KNEW they had kids together and were living together.  She was WRONG to pursue it. PERIOD. She is hurting another woman for the purpose of self gratification and that is not only wrong, it’s sad and pathetic (sorry MsMami!).  And couples fight BTW!  Just because they weren’t getting along at the time, does NOT mean that they were only together for the kids.  Couples have rough patches.  You make it seem like homewrecking is a sport. Women need to get their own man and stop trying to impose on anothers relationship.

bettyboo
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 05:30 pm: [report]

I don’t think it is always as cut and dried as some people are making out..  if the attached person is in an unhappy relationship with someone they have complicated attachments to (a joint mortgage or children)  then things cannot be sorted out in a short time and sometimes overlap can occur.  I don’t think there is any such thing as a homewreaker, most people in happy relationships won’t stray even if offered it on a plate, and the small % that do will do so regardless (i.e. they’ll go out looking for affairs).  In an ideal world people would see, being tempted as a reason to assess whether they should be in their relationship and either fix it or move on but many people aren’t brave enough to do that..

On a lighter note, whenever my boyfriend gets chatted up the first thing he wants to do is tell me, which I think is strangely adorable.. :0)

neongh0st
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 06:03 pm: [report]

@GreenAura: Agreed. It’s easier to shrug off when one’s never had a taste of one’s own medicine.

effing hickster
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 06:41 pm: [report]

Here we go again. “As a guy”, I don’t think it’s right to try to poach a significant other, whether they would stray or not. Unless both of them say out loud, to your face, in front of each other that they have an open relationship, taken/promised means taken/promised.

I think my two most awkward situations were:

When I was left with some guy’s girlfriend as he went to the grocery store. She offered to show me her crotchless panties, with her in them.

At a friend’s wedding reception, one of the bridesmaids offered a BJ while I was in the bathroom (she barged in). Her boyfriend was in the next room, as well as my roommate, my best friends, etc.

AWKWARD!

CaleeKay
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 06:49 pm: [report]

whoever said i havnt been cheated on? i didnt need to state that i had because i dont dwell on it.

And we still dont know all the circumstances here. As i mentioned above, for all we know they could have simply been living together for the kids (which ive known people to do) and not have a relationship together. Especially with the way the economy is right now.
SO, i am not condoning her actions, i am simply saying, we dont even know that they were in a relationship. If they werent, then it isnt MsMamis fault, the ex-lover/wife/whatever probably got jealous and threw him out because of it.
If they were in a relationship, again, as i mentioned, maybe msmami wasnt aware and is thinking how i am thinking.

but, by no means am i saying cheating is remotely allowed in any circumstance, so no need to get all huffy.

MarieMacCee
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 10:43 pm: [report]

I think that it’s a sign of common courtesy to refrain from expressing attraction to a taken man-or woman. You don’t have any right to interfere in someone else’s relationship, and if they’re having problems then their recourse should be dictated by their internal dynamics, not some outside dalliance. If people are living together and have chosen to remain under one roof despite no longer being a couple, and ESPECIALLY if children are involved, then the couple needs to establish ground rules for romantic relationships. Whatever they choose is fine-but i assume that in MsMami’s case the man and woman hadn’t agreed to an open relationship or she wouldn’t have kicked him out for hooking up with msmami. Either way, it does a disservice to everyone involved and should be avoided as much as possible. It’s going to happen anyways inadvertently, so lets not go looking for problems.

Pookie
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]

@MarieMacCee, while I agree with you, there is nothing you can do to control the actions of others. I have seen my husband get looked at like he was a steak dinner, completely ignoring the fact that I was standing right there, and speaking to her. I have faith and trust in him. And hope that it is not misplaced. It would be a better world if people would mind their manners but we all know it ain’t going to happen.

kristy1584
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]

If you even have half a brain you will not hit on someone while they are taken male or female. For 1 is disrespectful to the significant other and for 2 its quite pitiful that with all the single people in this world you need to hit on one whos taken. Ive heard all kinds of excuses for this like “its a challenge” etc. It may be a challenge, but think about how YOU would fell if you were the significant other and someone was blatantly trying to get your partner. Im sorry but Im a firm believe in the old expression “do unto other as you would have done unto you” and ladies, if he cheats on her to be with you, he’ll probably cheat on you to be with the next girl who comes along to hit on him. Use your brains.

Gingee
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]

I never have, never will approach a guy.  It is up to the male to do the pursuing.

We get so many come-ons that after a while it is easy to ignore any and all overtures.

Unless the guy were Simon LeBon, and I wanted a chance to phootgraph him, he wouldn’t get so much as a first look from this gal.

AjSeven
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]

I may be wrong but it seems the general consensus is that it’s a bad idea & a “bitch move” to hit on an unavailable dude. To me that does show a lack of class, and total disrespect for others. But that brings me to my point, a few moths back the frisky had an article & I remember it stated something along the lines of “It’s not my job to keep your man faithful” if I remember correctly it was ok to ride his disco stick as he had initiated the deed. So basically it’s a super grimy thing to hit on a man with a significant other; but it’s tots cool to accept a taken man’s advances? I don’t know how that makes much sense….

majicksand
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]

When I was single I had no use for guys who weren’t.  Morality issues aside, I refuse to play second-fiddle.  Why should I settle for his left-over time and attention?  Why should I relegate myself to “dirty-little-secret”?  I’m worth more than that.  Maybe the women who are deluding themselves into believing it isn’t their problem because they aren’t the ones with the commitment should examine their self-esteem.

bumbler
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]

Ajseven I agree with you that it is a double standard to say that its ok to accept advances but not make them.  I’m not familiar with the article you’re talking about though.  For the record I think both are bitch moves.  Just because the guy hitting on you treats his girl like #&@$% doesn’t excuse you doing the same.  (You being the general sense no one specific).

ootie
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]

If a guy with a girlfriend was hitting on me, I would just think he was a creep.  It may not be my job to “keep your man faithful”, but I have absolutely no interest in guys that are taken.  He can go try to get another girl on the side, but there’s no way I would ever involve myself in such a stupid, immature, classless situation.

AChanceAtHeaven
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 09:54 pm: [report]

If he’s not on The Market, you’ll find him in Deli Meats, where sausages are always plentiful.

Eeriana
wrote on September 12 2009 @ 08:56 am: [report]

Any woman/man who would knowingly hit on and pursue a relationship with a “taken” woman/man is a sleaze…pure and simple.  There is absolutely NO excuse for it. Having done it myself twice and still hate myself for it…and having it done to me FAR worse than what I ever did…there is NO excuse.  Unbeknownst to me, my ex was having an affair for over 2 years with a woman in the same school where he is still a custodian.  I found out 2 weeks after I moved out for other reasons.  She was married with children still at home (we are all older people and she even older than me). When I found out who she was, I called her husband.  When I introduced myself and asked him if he knew his wife and my husband had been having an affair for at least 2 years AND in my home, he said “yes”.  Not only did he know for the entire two years, but his children knew for at least a year(the reason he was still with her was because he didn’t know what to do and there were the children etc, blah blah). I was the only idiot in the dark until AFTER I moved out(talk about humiliating..but I reaped what I sowed in the past right?). He told me that she told him…and get this…it didn’t matter that they were married to other people, she and my husband were “soulmates” and belonged together. I started laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants at that statement.  I told him that my ex and I had been true “soulmates” as well.  ANYway, my ex told me that had I not needed to buy a house and had I not moved out, we would still be living together and he would still be seeing her or others, I would still be in the dark(he is a sociopath, extraordinarily skilled in deception). SHE “knew”, and probably still thinks 7 years later, that they are committed only to each other.  What I find hilarious is that over the years I have seen him with at least 2 other women out on the town when he didn’t know I saw him, and she is entirely clueless.  Serves her sooo right. It is still cheating even if you are single and you hit on a married/taken woman/man.  The responsibility is on YOU to do the honorable thing and back away if she/he won’t. No excuse is acceptable.

Jenn27549
wrote on September 12 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]

I don’t think its wrong to express attraction, but like he said in the article—WAIT until they are broken up to go any farther.  Some people just get into such a rut that they don’t even realize how bad their relationship is until they can picture themselves doing something else.  (Not just someone else, someTHING)  My first long-term relationship I had no idea what to expect at one year, two years.  Until a guy I worked with started flirting with me I couldn’t even wrap my mind around the thought of being with anyone else, or simply being out of THAT relationship.  But I was 19 at the time, and as you mature those kinds of mental exercises should come easier and without outside influence.  But sometimes the blinders are just so big.  That said, if s/he doesn’t express any interest back and clearly doesn’t want to end their current relationship then BACK THE EFF OFF.  Girls/guys who continue to pursue someone else’s SO after they’ve been clearly and unequivocally rejected are some of the lowest forms of human life.  Sad and annoying. 

I would also say that if two people have made a lifetime commitment (marriage or the other forms it comes in) then it probably not appropriate at all, in any circumstance.  Those types of vows/promises need to be respected always.  But if people are in less-serious, dating-type relationships circumstances and tact can matter.

BlueVibe
wrote on September 12 2009 @ 07:31 pm: [report]

No way in heck would I go after somebody else’s significant other.  One: I don’t want that on my conscience.  Two: All that would tell me is that, if I got him, I’m likely to lose him to the next determined chick who takes a shine to him.

I wouldn’t appreciate being hit on by somebody who knew I had a boyfriend, either. 

If a relationship isn’t working out, it should be ended before those involved move on to other people, especially if there are children in the mix.  It’s not fair to make it messier than it has to be just because some so-called adults didn’t feel like exercising a little impulse control.

Gingee
wrote on September 13 2009 @ 11:04 am: [report]

Oh, puh-lease.  Has no one ever heard the song by Gene Pitney, 24 Hours from Tulsa?  The guy fell in love with the girl he met and wrote a Dear Jane letter to Dearest Darling saying he wouldn’t be home anymore.

Unless the couple is engaged or married, it’s okay to express interest.

Been there, done that.  Was with one guy, waiting for him to lost interest so that his best friend could make his move. 

While Good Buddy was waiting for me to be unattached, my future husband met, proposed and game over.

One of my friends was getting married when a guy, who had always had a yen for her, decided to make his feelings known to her mother. Went to her parent’s home, on the day of the wedding, cried and cried, saying he’d always loved her.  As she said, why did he stay silent so long.

As for the guy who simpers that if he’s attached to shop elsewhere:  Fella, no one likes dining in an empty restaurant.

aroundtheblock
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 08:08 pm: [report]

Whatever happened to “all is fair in love and war.”  It’s hilarious how moralistic writers sound about not infringing on “committed relationships”  The term is an oxymoron.  Committed to what?  Committed to not getting married and making a real commitment, rather, holding back in case something better comes along.  People in those relationships have already rejected Christian sexual ethics—- so don’t get all moralistic.  There is nothing moral about a series of temporary sexual relationships, and sorry, doing it one at a time doesn’t make it any more moral.  And no, People magazine doesn’t count as a source of moral guidance.

CaleeKay
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 08:21 pm: [report]

@aroundtheblock & ginger, great comments.