The Top 13 Gifts Sarah Palin Has Given Us

Today is Sarah Palin’s 45th Birthday! Have a heckuva birthday, Sarah! In honor of the former VP nominee, we’ve pulled together a list of the 13 most wonderful things we can thank the Alaska Governor for.

1. Making “The View” Interesting Again: Sure, the election in general helped boost the morning show’s ratings, but Sarah Palin was the most controversial topic those hens clucked over in years. She even made Elisabeth Hasselbeck worth watching!

2. This Awesome Time-Waster: PETA wants you to hunt the hunter!

3. Bringing Back The Wink: When Sarah Palin batted an eye at America, America (well, 49% of America) fell in love. Even celebrities are ditching the traditional peace sign and kiss-blowing for the wink. At the Grammy Awards this past weekend, Gwyneth Paltrow winked at hubby Chris Martin sitting in the audience. He can thank Palin for that cutesy gesture!

4. These Erotic Words:

“Madame Governor,” he’ll say, shivering because Sarah likes to keep her hotel room frigidly cold. It reminds her of home.

Sarah will hook her fingers in his belt loops, pulling him to her and she’ll smile as, predictably, his c**k stiffens. Conor hasn’t traveled much but he wants to know more about the world. Conor hasn’t traveled much so he doesn’t realize that Sarah hasn’t traveled much herself but she’s good at telling a good story and that is enough. “Tell me about Alaska,” he’ll say. “Tell me about Europe. Teach me about the world.” She will slide her hands under his shirt, and grab at his neck with her teeth. She’ll leave a mark that he will try to cover the next morning with a high collar and a persistent lean.

“Alaska is a cold, hard place,” she’ll say. “And so is the rest of the world.”

5. Proving The We’re Not The Only Ones Who Fall For Prank Calls: In November, comedy duo the Masked Avengers dialed up Governor Sarah Palin and pretended to be Nicholas Sarkozy. She fell for it hook, line, and sinker. But I did too, when they called me, and that was AFTER they called her. Haha, how gullible am I?!

6. Virtual Paper Dolls!

7. Bringing “Saturday Night Live” Back From The Dead

8. Tina Frickin’ Fey

9. Republicans Finally Acknowledging That Sexism Is Alive And Well: Even if they were wrong that the media’s treatment of Palin was sexist. Still, they said it!

10. Dethroning Amy Winehouse As The Year’s Hottest Halloween Costume

11. Nailin’ Paylin: Probably the only porn I would watch, just for laughs.

12. Making Teen Pregnancy Cool Again!: Before her daughter Bristol got pregs at 17, everyone was all, “only trashy sluts with bad parents get pregnant that young.” Now it’s super amazing and brave to get pregnant at 17!

13. The Hottest Unintentional Political Baby Daddy: Levi Johnston, we’re thinkin’ about ya.