The Ten Types Of Straight Guys

The Straight Guy Index: Ten Types Of Hetero Lovers

Posted by: Simcha Whitehill Filed in: guys
1:30PM, Thursday August 21st 2008

Yesterday, we delineated the celebrity lesbian personalities, from LUGs to Toppers, that create the broader Venn diagram of the womanly community. Since we love our readers, especially their comments, we decided to take reader “Lilo” up on her challenge to break down the different types of straight males. So, here’s to all the men we’ve loved before….

The Smarty Pants A true nerd, he talks in high-falutin’ lingo about the things he’s into. He’ll blame his intellectual snobbery on simple Darwinism. So, you can nod along all you want, but if you can’t keep up, you’ll either get bored or kicked to the curb. Example: Bill Gates

The Brooder This thoughtful guy fancies himself a philosopher. He thinks he’s sensitive, but he’s mostly just a downer. Like a turtle, he’s got a squishy body and a hard shell that he likes to retreat into. Example: Benicio Del Torro

The Nice Guy He’s as predictable as his wardrobe. Usually bored by his job, you’re his excitement. You can always count on him, although sometimes you wish he’d buy a motorcycle or do something crazy. But who needs a Harley when your grandma already loves him? Example: Will Smith

The Charmer Smooth talkin’, well-dressed, with a million dollar smile, this gentlemen looks good, but he isn’t. He’ll promise you the moon, but be warned that after he gets what he wants, he often doesn’t want it anymore. Still, he’s so suave, you’ll never look back in anger. Example: Jack Nicholson

The Sensitive Guy This is who the brooding artist pretends to be, but a truly sensitive guy cares more about others than himself. He may over-anticipate your emotions, he loves his family, and he’ll always want to leave the party early. But his bookshelf will keep him entertained for ages. Example: Ryan Gosling

The Jock He’s got a body under those baggy clothes and that usually gives him a bad rap for being dumb. But really, he’s smart enough to know how to sculpt his body and battle it out on the field, so give him some credit. Above all, keep an eye on him because athletes have many admirers. Example: David Beckham

The Kook This guy was made for costume parties. He has colorful taste and odd interests. Wacky, wild, and often mistaken for being gay, don’t doubt his eccentricities, enjoy them…that is if you don’t get freaked out. Example: Mike Myers

The Mama’s Boy This pushover likes to be babied. He needs your constant attention and you’ll often ask yourself, “What would he do without me?” If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll do what you want, but he’ll never love you more than his mama. Example: Justin Timberlake

The Napoleon He thinks he can dominate everything and everyone. While you might try to blame it on his peen size, he can be summed up best by a word that rhymes with “brick”. He’s a handful and a challenge and you’ll feel sorry for every waitress at the restaurants you go to. But when this fighter falls in love, he’ll go to romantic extremes to protect and care for you. Example: Gordon Ramsay

The Funny Guy Silly fun, he just wants to make everyone laugh and sometimes he tries waaaaaay too hard. But he’s just trying to be liked because he’s a little insecure. If you’re willing to always give him the acknowledgment he wants, even if you have to fake chuckle, you’ll be his dream girl. But beware, when you’re not in public, he may have a dark side. Example: John Mayer

comments

Annika Harris
wrote on August 21 2008 @ 02:14 pm: [report]

@Simcha Your assessments were completely on target. I dated a nice guy once, and he was extremely boring. Whenever I got into his car, he would ask me the same three questions, timed within 30 seconds. He was too predictable for me.

kidpen
wrote on August 21 2008 @ 02:34 pm: [report]

can you come up with 10 types of lazy-arsed, irrelavent, empty, depressing story ideas for a “fun” online sex magazine too?

Renee
wrote on August 21 2008 @ 02:39 pm: [report]

Yes, let’s delineate both men and women and fit them into small, narrow-minded stereotypes because that’s exactly what society needs. God forbid someone actually writes an article that breaks down stereotypes, encourages people to think outside the box of conformity and makes people realize that individuals don’t ever fit into one specific category. At the end of the day, it’s articles like this that further racism, bias and hate rather than breaking it down.

Christine
wrote on August 21 2008 @ 02:42 pm: [report]

You’ve REALLY outdone yourself Friskers. Yes, you’ve conveniently pointed out that men who identify as hetero also have behavioral stereotypes attached to their gender identities. If this list is supposed to in any way justify your haphazzard commentary on lesbian identities then it seems the problematic nature of even entertaining stereotypical gender conceptions is completely lost on you ‘savy’ feminists.

One Lesbo
wrote on August 21 2008 @ 03:06 pm: [report]

Renee and Christine - you should consider dating each other.

Shameless and lame plug: http://www.2lesbosgoinatit.wordpress.com

Visit early and often.

Amelia
wrote on August 21 2008 @ 03:35 pm: [report]

@Renee @Christine I think we do a pretty good job on this site of showing just how varied the human experience can be in all of our regular first person columns. And we never said that all lesbians or all straight men fit into the types we defined or that they couldn’t be multiple types at the same time. I think you’re misinterpreting the intent as narrow, when it was just supposed to be fun.

And with all the stone throwing, something tells me that you’ve called people names that narrowly defined them—like “savy feminist”. I’m a savy feminist AND I’m a girly feminist AND I’m a feminist with a sense of humor.

Sarah
wrote on August 21 2008 @ 03:41 pm: [report]

I’m not nearly as bothered by some previous posters, but I do find this to be a very simple list. If any guy fit one category and ONE only, they are boring no matter what category it is.

I like my guy, and he’s a mix of several categories.

Blueclover56
wrote on August 22 2008 @ 05:08 am: [report]

@ Renee & @Christine, you are taking this article way too seriously and making a fun light humored article about a soap box stance you need to take to defend “types” of people that haven’t even been attacked in the first place here. In the title alone it says “the ten TYPES of straight guys” when seeing this and knowing how you feel about people being placed into “types” you should have just skipped this article all together.

Not every single article these girls write is going to be satisfying to every person. It’s an opinion site. No one ever agrees with every opinion out there. And I highly doubt that Simcha’s intentions where to offend anyone or stereotype. So, no offense, but get off your high horses and take this article for what it was meant to be, a fun read.

poopyhead
wrote on August 22 2008 @ 10:12 am: [report]

You forgot one: The Man-Lezbo - He’s WAY touch with his feminine side, but still hot for lady flower. Oh, and he slathers himself in patchouli, totally toured with Lilith Fair, and works himself into fits of vacuous righteous indignation. Example: Renee and Christine

Texas24
wrote on August 22 2008 @ 12:59 pm: [report]

This didn’t offend me at all. It’s just for fun, People! Yes, “not all people can be easily stereotyped”, but I can see where this article was going. The categories indeed have SOME truth to them even if they don’t apply to everyone. Men stereotype women all the time! If you read Maxim, FHM, and other mens magazines, you will see this kind of stuff about women!

bunnymatic
wrote on August 25 2008 @ 08:21 am: [report]

stop nagging already. (that should be a separate category for females too: THE CONSTANT NAG) anyway, i second Sarah’s idea of a “mixture” of categories. that’s what i was thinking when i was reading down the list. nothing wrong with categorizing things every now and then, if not for educating people, but rather a simple smile.

season
wrote on October 14 2008 @ 02:54 pm: [report]

That is so cute I love a boy like that they are so hot and I would like to meet him.Meet me at 284 wall ave 17th street.See you so day.