WTF?!: The Ten Craziest Sex Stories Of 2009, So Far

It’s only May, but let’s just say, spring has officially sprung! From every corner of the globe, people have been getting freaky in the freakiest ways. Thanks to our equally pervy friends at Fark, we’ve rounded up the 10 strangest close encounters of the sex kind from 2009 so far. From a raccoon who can fend off a rapist, to a soccer player who scored on the field, here the best of the worst humpin’ happenings that’ll truly have you wondering, W-T-F?!

• A 44-year-old man in Moscow was on a weekend trip with his bros. When they all got drunk, Alexander Kirilov decided to get a little extra friendly with a raccoon. Since the raccoon couldn’t cry for help, it just bit off the perv’s penis. Surgeons were not able to reattach it. That blows!
• Just last month, a couple in their early thirties was visiting Windsor Castle, the Queen of England’s residence, and decided to throw a little lawn part, sans pants. Not only did they disobey the “Keep Off The Grass” signs, the naughty peeps got nude. And then, in full view of locals shops and fellow tourists, the pair put on a live porno show. Japanese tourists got nearly twenty minutes taped before Her Majesty’s guards arrested them. All hail the real Queen and King!
• Oh-so-accepting Amsterdam is like an adult playground, but they don’t want their actual playgrounds to get confusing for visitors. Dutch officials decided to post signs pointing out spots where gay men are known to have sex in De Oeverlanden Park. “Slippery When Wet,” perhaps? That way, even tourists are forewarned about the bush in the bushes. Now, if only George Michael’s place could get one of those signs!
• A San Francisco pilot really wanted to show off his cockpit on the internet. He videotaped himself getting a BJ from a Swedish porn star back in 2005. Then, three years later, he posted the vid on the web. Upon seeing him getting blown while in flight, the FAA revoked 52-year-old David Martz’s license.
• A 51-year-old man in Florida had a “threesome” with two sex dolls in the parking lot of a local grocery store, in broad daylight. Although shoppers were hoping to deflate George Bartusek’s behavior, all he got for his mid-day rendezvous was six months probation.
• Forget pumpkins, one crazy ass ho in the UK carved out a name for herself, into her one-night-stand’s body. Wayne Lanc took Dominque up on her offer for a drunken night of sex, but what he got was a lifetime of scars, and not the emotional kind. The 24-year-old woke up to find the name “Dominique” slashed into his shoulder with a kitchen knife, along with a bunch of other random markings. Sheesh, love hurts!
• At a sex party in Australia, one guest overstayed his welcome. After insisting that he get to have sex with the lady of the house, even though she wasn’t interested, the man of the house threw him over the balcony. Amazingly enough, although he fell on the head he clearly wasn’t using, the badly behaved visitor survived the 13-foot fall.
• Croatian soccer star, Dino Drpic, had always fantasized about having sex with his Playboy model wife, Nives Celsius, in the middle of the field. So, he asked the stadium to turn on all the floodlights so he could finally have her on his field of dreams. But when his wife bragged about their bad behavior, the team decided to put him at the top of their transfer list. Now he’s headed to the UK!
• If you want to reach out and touch someone, look no further than theBloomington, IN, Yellow Pages. Local hospital administrators were horrified to find that their phone number was actually confused in the phone book with a phone sex line. Well, maybe it’s time for their patients to consider sexual healing?
• A man in Cairns, Australia, is having sex with every girl in town—every girl made of plastic, that is. The sex offender has repeatedly broken into three sex shops to hump some blowup hotties—then he dumps ‘em! Though he usually cleans up his messes, he has left some DNA behind at the scene.