The Slow Fade: Why I Sometimes Just Totally Disappear On A Girl
Posted by: Lemondrop
Filed in:
guys
11:10AM, Thursday December 3rd 2009
The end is rarely easy. And, God, can it be awkward. Personally, I don’t apply specifics for each gender on how to end a thing (a “thing” being anything that lasts a couple months or seven dates, give or take; ending a “relationship” is a whole other bag of misery). When it comes to the end, whether you’re a man dumping a woman, a woman dumping a man, or a gay dude dumping a gay dude, you want it to be as humane as possible.
But which method of ending a “thing” is most humane? Let’s have a look, from least to most kind. Read more ...
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40yrolddad
wrote on December 3 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]
any guy who says he pulls the disappearing act because it “humane” is just full of BS and likely a coward. I’ll admit I’ve done it a few times (3x if memory serves) & it’s not something I’m proud of (yes, I was a coward) but brutal honesty, even the self-deprecating kind, seems to be an unofficial tf policy. a few yrs ago one almost came back to haunt me when my wife wanted to buy a house in the subdivision of the parents of one I did it to in college - thankfully the basement flooded in a storm before closing & she changed her mind! wasn’t looking forward to her meeting them (or their daughter) if it clicked who I was…
Squidtermz
wrote on December 3 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]
Meh, if I’m not in it to win it I feel like I don’t owe that person anything. Unless it’s a long lasting relationship then yes come forward. But the only times I’ve dissappeared in the fade it’s been after a fling of about 10 days or so, and the last one I remember was because there was smothering already occurring. 10 days!
slip
wrote on December 3 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]
“Look, this just isn’t working for me anymore and I need to go.” Or words to that effect.
Slip
bogart4017
wrote on December 3 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]
There is no easy way. Just be honest and state the case and be gone.
Lexington
wrote on December 3 2009 @ 02:57 pm: [report]
This is totally hypocritical because I hate it being done to me, but I finally just stopped responding to a guy’s texts a couple of weeks ago. Look, if you’ve been off and on dating a girl for more than three months and she hasn’t let you get close enough to kiss her, that’s a freaking flashing neon sign.
bluefeevah
wrote on December 3 2009 @ 04:23 pm: [report]
Just be honest. Dashing around this crap - saddle up, be a man/woman and tell ‘em…“not feeling this”. End of story. Wish a dude would do that to me - rather than the slow fade. Slow fade , you might as well tattoo P*SSY on your forehead.
develange
wrote on December 3 2009 @ 05:48 pm: [report]
I’ve pulled the fade and disappearing act. Except, the guys keep texting and calling for months, even though I never respond.
Me, passive aggressive.
But it also made me more understanding toward the guys who had given me “the slip” in the past. Well, for the most part. I’m hypocritical, too
@Lexington: I agree. As much as I KNOW I should just tell them directly, can’t they also just take an f’ing hint?
draymond
wrote on December 4 2009 @ 02:08 am: [report]
I think I would recommend a quick fade.
Maybe do something to cause them to ask what is bothering you and then you reply with “I’m trying to think of the least cruel way to break up with you”
Frederica Bimble
wrote on December 4 2009 @ 09:00 am: [report]
@draymond: Wow! I had forgotten there are people who think so much about such inane, inconsequential things, so I thank you for reminding me.
I’d like to know how much energy is burnt within the body whilst going through such an elaborate set-up just to get someone else to behave like your parent. And, yes, that IS what you’ve described.
Personally and I do mean personally, I TELL the person that it isn’t working and if they want to know “why” I tell them exactly why it isn’t working.
Why do I do this? Because if I were dating someone, I would want to know because I believe in self-evolution. I could be doing something that is universally repulsive or I could have bad breath or whatever, yet, others under the guise of “being nice” wouldn’t even bother to say something?!
I think it is the difference between giving a damn about others that you meet in your life or simply believing the world revolves around you.
I can remember about 10 years ago, I met this guy who was like a machine. He was a caricature of a dating manual, if you will. Because I have never had the luxury of having my life run like a script written by someone else, therefore, I didn’t know what was expected of me because I am a woman and apparently, we’re meant to behave a certain way in dating, I couldn’t play my part of his script.
He ended up doing “the fade” but what’s this?
Oh, yea, he ended up being all in my face a while later when he ran into me.
I said to him - and others have said this is harsh but if one lives by the sword, then one dies by the sword, as far as I’m concerned - “I don’t have anything to say to you.”
You see? “The fade” is the mark of someone who actually thinks they can control the outcome of events or that they have some kind of power over others.
It was “ok” in this guy’s world to just disappear without explanation; to ignore my phone calls when he was available just a day before; to suddenly not have time for things we’d just been doing only a few days before BUT when I genuinely, without any sense of manipulation, had to say (because it was the truth) “I don’t have time for you.” He didn’t like it.
Suddenly, I was the most attractive thing in the room. He came running.
People, simply disappearing on someone creates drama that isn’t really there. It also gives you no recourse to grow if you should want to open up communication with the other person in future.
We can’t predict the future so how in the world would I or anyone else know that maybe the attraction may change and become something we’d want to hold onto - maybe even forever.
I am very dismissive of this behaviour and I “erase” them from my consciousness - to such a pathological degree that I would even have to honestly have to expend energy just to remember they were ever in my life in the first place.
I guess it comes down to: If you deal with your relationships in such a manner, then don’t be upset when the rest of the world “fades away” from YOU…..After all, YOU created the circumstances so it is logical that others will take you “at your word.”
Yep, people DO make life complicated.
meredith806
wrote on December 4 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]
eh. I don’t know, if I’ve only been out with a guy “seven times” or even a few months where nothing has really happened. I’m really not going to care. If I stop hearing from him, I just consider it done, no questions asked.
Although if you’ve entered into the “he’s my boyfriend” “she’s my girlfriend” stage then yea, don’t be a pansy and just end it, face to face. Not via text message, or e-mail, or by using that new iPhone app that sends you right to the voice mail so you don’t have to talk. Because then you will still be considered a pansy;)
always_sassy
wrote on December 4 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
The “Slow Fade” is absolutely the worst!! To go from some type of communication every day to wondering when he will call/text/email again is torture. If you don’t want to see someone any longer, just tell them. Doesn’t matter the reason, just let them know so they can get over the anxiety of waiting to hear from or see you again. I promise, it will be okay to just let her know.
MediaExecutive
wrote on December 7 2009 @ 08:13 pm: [report]
The best way is to let the girl break up with you.
Learn early what the deal breakers are for her and start doing them. However she breaks up with you, you will be relieved because you know you want out too.
Does she insist you call her every day? Start forgetting. Does she like to drink herself to oblivion every night? Stop drinking with her. Does she want you to buy her #&@$% all the time? Stop buying her #&@$%.
Before you know it she’s the one telling you “I’m sorry but its not working out”. Pretend to be sad and move on.
We men start the relationship and we let the women end them. Today’s women feel so entitled its easy to drop them when you are done with them.
theattack
wrote on December 7 2009 @ 08:34 pm: [report]
@MediaExecutive, I used that tactic in high school. First, it never worked when I used it. The guys just worked harder to keep me when it seemed that I wasn’t showing much interest (maybe because they were in high school/early college). But that approach is really passive-aggressive, and it’s just plain disrespectful to your SO. The dealbreakers in my relationships are things like never hitting me, never cursing at me in anger or calling me names, never doing anything plain mean to anyone else on purpose, etc. The other annoying things that guys may do aren’t usually dealbreakers. They’re just things that I can either overlook and accept, or I can’t. Hopefully you don’t commit the really serious dealbreakers and just do things to annoy her, but I would seriously consider coming up with a more grown up technique for ending things. No offense.
develange
wrote on December 7 2009 @ 09:01 pm: [report]
@The attack, I agree
@MediaExecutive, I’m that sorry you’ve dated some women with too many demands. But I hope you’re not applying that breakup tactic to every relationship. It’s dishonest, passive-aggressive, and manipulative. Seems like an unnecessary amount of work, too.
Lexington
wrote on December 7 2009 @ 09:21 pm: [report]
@Frederica- but sometimes there’s no way for them to improve themselves- they could be doing everything right on paper, but in reality, it’s very difficult to say to someone, “I’m just not attracted to you, you’re not my type, it’s just your personality that bugs me.” There’s no way for a person to do anything about that, and it’s a very harsh thing for someone to say, especially if you hate confrontation like me. I’m not excusing what I did, because it was a jerk thing to do, but I will say that no, we weren’t texting every day (more like once a week) and we hadn’t seen each other in 3 weeks. I’m not that much of an ass.
Yodar Critch
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 07:47 am: [report]
I agree that honesty is the best policy.
However, perhaps one reason for the “fade” is that the person has found it easier to fade than to face a confrontation when being honest? This does not make it right, but it might help to understand the person.
If a person you are just starting to date, tells you that “I don’t think this is working out…” what is your reaction?
Do you accept it, sadly, but with civility?
Or do you make a scene and try to talk them into staying (not a good idea in my opinion)?
I am sure we all know men and women who do not respond to such honesty (being dumped) well. If you have never experienced such men or women, consider yourself lucky. It can get ugly.
As I wrote, this does not excuse the “fade” at all.
But if it is your experience that the men or women you date all seem to “fade” on you, perhaps some self-reflection is in order. Are you, through your actions, unconsciously, “training” your dates that it is easier to fade on you than to be honest with you?
brandyalexander
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 08:20 am: [report]
The fade is disappointing, but the way you react to it is quite important. A person who tries to fade out on you thinks they are your priority. Don’t call them either, and they’ll have no idea who is fading on who. Its all about keeping your damned dignity intact. A fade is pathetic, the only thing that makes it worse is if you’ve slept with the person… so, get a grip on the situation before you take your clothes off, and these high-school antics will seem like just that.