Three Questions To Ask Yourself Before Moving In Together
Posted by: Lindsay Goldenberg | Filed in: Relationships
12:00PM, Friday July 18th 2008
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It’s almost August 1…which means a couple things. One, I need to return that skirt I just bought or I’ll be broke at rent time. And two, leases are coming to an end, which means more and more couples will take the plunge and move in with each other.
As someone who just took the plunge and moved in with her boyfriend for the first time, I can tell you it’s everything it’s cracked up to be. It’s fun, convenient, cost-effective, and the next logical step in our relationship. But how are you supposed to know when it’s the right time?
If you move in prematurely, you could discover you drive each other crazy. Then you’ll be at another kind of trial (m-u-r-d-e-r).
I wish I could tell you there was some formula to follow, but there’s not. However, there are some telltale signs that can indicate whether you’re making the best decision in your quest for domestic bliss. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
1. How long have you been dating?
Sure, there are some people out there who moved in after a couple months of knowing each other and it worked out. For the other 98% of them, it didn’t. So do yourself a favor and be logical about it. You can’t really know all that much about someone after two months, but after a year you’ll know little things…like how often they cut their toenails, and what they do with the clippings.
2. How often do you hang out?
Are you one of those couples that lead two totally separate lives? Or are you the couple that prefers to spend the majority of their time together? If you’re the latter, moving in will likely be a smooth transition. If it’s more like you see each other a couple times a week, the transition might be a little more jarring. Before making the official move-in, try increasing the amount of nights you stay with each other as a sort of trial-run. If you move in prematurely, you could discover you drive each other crazy. Then you’ll be at another kind of trial (m-u-r-d-e-r).
3. Do you want it to last forever?
Moving in because your lease is up or because it’s cheap are not good reasons to start living with your boyfriend. They should be thought of as icing on the cake…not the entire fattening dessert. The main point of co-habitation is to take things to the next level. Some people even wait to move-in with each other until they’re engaged, showing that they plan on being with each other for the long haul. Bottom line is this: Don’t move in with someone unless you know you’re with the right person. You wouldn’t marry someone without this knowledge…so don’t move in with them either. Keep in mind that the hardest part of a divorce is usually the moving out part…
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Elle
[report]wrote on July 19 2008 @ 12:24 am:
Great tips! I agree with everything.
Annika Harris
[report]wrote on July 21 2008 @ 12:11 pm:
Great advice! I’ve actually been thinking about this lately. I do have one question though. Do you think a woman should live on her own before moving in with a partner?
Lindsay Goldenberg
[report]wrote on July 21 2008 @ 02:52 pm:
Annika!
That’s a great question. In an ideal world, I think a woman should live alone before moving in with her partner....but when you live in a city like NY, sometimes that’s not possible (because of crazy rents!). But whether you live with a roommate or on your own, you’ll get that independance that you need. Plus, you’ll get to decorate however you want!!
Annika Harris
[report]wrote on July 21 2008 @ 03:41 pm:
@Lindsay. That’s pretty much what I was thinking. I’m getting the itch to move out of my mom’s house, but rent is too expensive in NYC and I don’t want a roommate. I guess I’ll just wait until my guy and I get to the move-in stage. Hopefully that will happen in the next year.
Liz
[report]wrote on August 22 2008 @ 03:28 pm:
Sooo..my question is this. You’ve been with a guy for almost a year and a half. We finally got on a joint cell phone plan, but he’s in no hurry to move in. We talked about it and he seems hesitant but open at the same time (which is odd). Then at others, he says that he wants to see how the relationship plays out. I’m so confused because he’s so confused. You think he’d realize what he wants by now. 6 months in to the relationship he gave me a promise ring...now he made the comment that things just didn’t come together as he imagined. Thoughts?
Simosa
[report]wrote on August 22 2008 @ 04:08 pm:
Liz Sounds like you guys are inching along (cell plan first, etc.). You’re right - he sounds confused. I’d back way off because pushing him will only, well, push him further away.
lilo
[report]wrote on August 26 2008 @ 08:05 am:
@Annika, Yes! You should live by yourself before living with your guy. If you just can’t afford it, I really encourage you to make sure you carve out independent time too. Living on your own is a great rite of passage and very rewarding. Living with someone is even more so, but it’s great to have that alone experience first.
Lindsay
[report]wrote on August 26 2008 @ 03:26 pm:
Hi Liz!
In response to your post, I think that you need to sit back and think about what YOU want in this relationship. If you think you’re ready to move in with your boyfriend, and he isn’t...then this is something to consider! I don’t know why you guys are sharing a phone bill with one another...call me old fashioned, but it seems like you should wait to do something like that until you share a bank account or other financial responsibilities together (a.k.a. a house).
Regarding your BF’s comments about “things not coming together as he imagined...”, I say eff that! That sounds like some kind of game to me, and almost like a breakup threat, which you should have no patience for!
Keep this in mind: The “moving in” discussion should be an easy one...one that you are both excited about. If not, you might be with the wrong guy.
L
Lindsay Goldenberg
[report]wrote on August 26 2008 @ 03:29 pm:
Hi Liz!
In response to your post, I think that you need to sit back and think about what YOU want in this relationship. If you think you’re ready to move in with your boyfriend, and he isn’t...then this is something to consider! I don’t know why you guys are sharing a phone bill with one another...call me old fashioned, but it seems like you should wait to do something like that until you share a bank account or other financial responsibilities together (a.k.a. a house).
Regarding your BF’s comments about “things not coming together as he imagined...”, I say eff that! That sounds like some kind of game to me, and almost like a breakup threat, which you should have no patience for!
Keep this in mind: The “moving in” discussion should be an easy one...one that you are both excited about. If not, you might be with the wrong guy.
L
GrandmaHopes
[report]wrote on September 04 2008 @ 02:18 pm:
To Liz Dear,
How wonderful to be looking forward to living together.
Just remember, women often are drawn to home and men often see it as prison.
It is harder for them to relenquish their freedom, than it is for us to play house.
Of course he is scared.
Just because you are on different time frames doesn’t necessarily mean he is the wrong man.
Do you know what it probably means?
It probably means that you are on a different time frame.
The most risky thing I think you have done it to mix your money.
Someone needs to invent the financial CONDOM!
Safe money is important.
I do hope it works out beautifully for you both.
Take care.
GrandmaHopes
Nacho
[report]wrote on May 28 2009 @ 02:42 pm:
I completely agree with everything here. Moving in isn’t all romantic… it takes a LOT of work!
I lived on my own for four years at college before I moved in with my boyfriend, who I met the summer after Sophomore year. We celebrated two years of living together early this month, and will celebrate four years together on 25 June. It’s been rough at points, but you’re right—without love, the most powerful glue available, it’s likely near impossible.
scb197
[report]wrote on May 28 2009 @ 03:24 pm:
Totally thought of the NYC rents. It’s a bitch moving and such. @ Annika, do you want to be in Manhattan or are you open to other boros? I’m sure you can find a place for yourself no matter what your price range. In this economy, there’s plenty of room for negotiation.