The Most Orange, Crispy Tanning Horror Stories You’ll Ever Read
Posted by: Nina Carbone
Filed in:
style
2:00PM, Saturday April 11th 2009
Dear Dr. Derm, forgive me for what I’m about to say.
So, yeah, “tan me” is way hotter than “pasty-and-pale me.” (And by way hotter, I’m not intimating that I’m incredibly good-looking—or even a little good-looking—it’s about that little bit of bronze that balances out my sometimes ruddy skin, makes my hair look blonder without the $250 highlighting bill and let’s me walk out of the house with some Aquaphor on as lip gloss and nothing else). But, since tanning is universally known to cause bad stuff (hi, cancer), I refrain and instead hit the bottle.
Either way you go, the bottle tan or the UV-ray real thing, getting bronzed often produces the most brutal (and totally hilar) stories. To wit…
I went tanning before a date once, because I was feeling a little pasty in the dead of winter. I tanned in the buff, and went for the full 15 minutes. Not a good idea when you haven’t seen a ray of sunshine since August. I burnt my butt and my chest. Not cute—and of course it made me pray that the date wouldn’t go that well. The clothes had to stay on!—Nat, 31
My senior year of high school, my friends and I went down to Cancun for spring break. As we basked in the sun, a friend rolled over and asked me if I wanted any of her sunscreen. I told her no, I wanted to wait a little before applying so as to get a little color and said something stupid about my “natively Floridian skin” being able to take the heat. Flash forward to later that night, when my skin had turned bright red and blisters had started to show up across my belly and shoulders. I spent the rest of the vacation wrapped up like a mummy while my friends called “not it” on sharing a bed with me; by the end of the trip, my skin was peeling off in long, clammy sheets and the big joke in the morning was to wake up, find a strip of my skin in bed and guess which body part it had come from as in “Oops! There’s her forearm!” or “Hmmm, I think this is her right flank.” Eleven years later, I’ve had no less than three suspicious moles removed, all in the vicinity of my Cancun burn. Clearly, my “Floridian skin” couldn’t handle the heat.—Janey, 29
I should have listened when the front desk girl winced and recommended five minutes less than what I asked for at Hollywood Tans. I was fried—and had to go to a wedding that night, where I was seeing my ex for the first time since the breakup. Needless to say, it wasn’t the I’m-hot-and-you-so-regret-breaking-up-with-me moment I’d envisioned.—Kat, 30
When I was 12 years old, I wore my first adult bikini ever. It was a J.Crew pink bandeau top with white polka dot bottoms—I have never felt so chic. Granted, this was at a time when my nickname was “tomato on toothpicks” for a reason – I still had a surplus of baby fat in my middle region. Anyhow, my friend and I decided to play some cards which turned into an all-day tournament. By evening, we were burnt to a crisp. That night, when I took off my bikini, I not only had a bright white stripe where my bandeau top had been, but bright white stripes where my stomach rolls had blocked the sun from reaching. For about two weeks, I had a lovely bumble bee, perfectly horizontal-striped pattern from chin to thigh. Talk about shame.—Emily, 29
In college, after going out and having a few drinks I would come back to my room and decide that it was a great time to apply self tanner. Being that this was 10 years ago, the formulas weren’t what they are today—there wasn’t any gradual build up of pretty, golden color a la that Jergens stuff. So, I’d get home, slap it on and go to bed. Not only would I wake up to a hangover the next day—but an orange streaked face and entire body parts without color. Don’t mix booze with bronzer.—Kim, 26
A few years ago, a friend talked me into going tanning. It was the dead middle of winter and I think I was see-through I was so ghostly white. So, we walk up to the reception desk and she’s singing the praises of going tanning—“It feels really nice and warm! You’ll have a tiny bit of color when no one else does. It’s make any zits go away,” blah blah blah. Well, between her and the front desk lady, they had me signed up for the ten-tan package. I’m into this! Yeah, no more zits! The second I get undressed and step into the booth I have a panic attack. Something about the neon-coffin closing on top of me totally wigs me out—I go running, yes really running, from the booth. Couldn’t take it. And that ten-pack never got used.—Sara, 24
And just to prove that guys have their own tanning fiascos, too:
I was maybe 11 when a friend shared his bottle of Beach Boys-brand tanning lotion with me. We were really concerned with being cool and looking tan when the swimming pool opened for the summer and this seemed like the quickest and smartest way to go about it. I faithfully applied the lotion, which looked and felt like sunblock, each day before I spritzed my hair with lemon juice and peroxide. About three days into the experiment, my mother was staring at me from across the dinner table and told me to go wash my face, that I had dirt all over. This seemed weird because I hadn’t been playing in dirt, but being a kid it was very possible that I got dirty somehow—so I followed instructions. This scenario repeated itself the next night and I began to think that just maybe it was my bitchin’ tan she was noticing. The tanning lotion, at this point, had turned my face a rusty red—but not all over, the color was clustered in certain areas of my face, giving me the overall appearance of having competed in a mud pie-eating contest. Coupled with the copper color that my hair was turning, I was cultivating quite the look! Thankfully, mother threw away the tanner, but it took another week or so before all of my face was the same shade again.—Tommy, 31
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mikeyellenlee
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]
My sister got skin cancer from those tanning beds. She still goes, and now she even takes my neice…sigh…
Angieliz
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
I avoid the sun like the plague if I can help it. I worked at a swimming pool the summer after I graduated high school. I used SPF 60 every day and still looked a sight darker by the end of the summer.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 03:34 pm: [report]
My skin is weird. I am naturally bronze-ish, not pasty white, I don’t go outside unless I have to, and my genes doesn’t explain it, I am Russian, Irish, German, and Norweigian….why am I not pasty?
Tamara
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 08:56 pm: [report]
I avoid the sun unless I’m covered in sunblock, I’ll make the occasional mistake of going out without sunblock when on vacation in Fl and I end up paying for it. I’m in the process of moving there and on the look out for the best kind of sunblock to invest in and a big floppy hat to keep my face out of the sun. I lost my aunt to skin cancer a few years ago and cringe everytime my friends go tanning. I may be pale, but my skin will thank me later on in life when it’s not damaged and cancer free. Now, as a smoker my insides are a whole other story.
Lexie
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 09:38 pm: [report]
I worked at a tanning bad and never tanned. My skin was a pasty white, and the my manager said I was representing the salon badly, so I got fired after 2 weeks when I refused to try the spray tan booth.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 09:58 pm: [report]
@Lexie: You could of probably sued in the case.
suntanedu
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 07:15 am: [report]
for those of you that do not have a familial relationship to skin cancer AND choose moderation and responsibility when it comes to obtaining a cosmetic tan and want to reduce the risk of sunburn…
The Sun Angel by Ergoline. A state of the art skin sensor detects your skins sensitivity to UV and adjusts the output of the sunbed so that when used properly, it virtually eliminates the risk of sunburn. Combined with aromatherapy, body misting, face and shoulder tanners, “concert hall” surround sound (with ipod docking station), body air conditioning, and contoured acyrlic, all customers enjoy a full 20 minute session of spa-like nirvana!
Read more at http://www.sunangel-ergoline.us
Chelle
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 08:02 am: [report]
I tanned when I was a young teenager. That stopped because my mother had to have surgery to have a peice of skin cancer (well, it wasn’t exactly full blown cancer) removed. My dad had the same thing done years later. My moisturizer has sunscreen in it and I wear sunscreen when I’m in the sun for more than a 1/2 hour. My momma always said pale was beautiful and pale I will stay. I think being tan makes you look older too. Some people think I’m ten years younger. I’d rather be ghostly than get skin cancer anyway. I also hate the fact that as I get older, I seem to get a new mole on my arm anytime I forget to wear sunscreen. @cheeeeEEEEse-Your dark complextion probably comes from the Russian part of you. I used to work with this Russian girl who almost looked Hispanic. Some Russians have darker complexions.
joyy
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 08:17 am: [report]
I never tanned when I lived back east, and there’s more opportunity to just go outside to fight the pastiness, there’s no reason at all to bother. Now that I live somewhere that has ~ 300 days of sunshine/year, I’m much less pale than I used to be (at least in the summer).
I am big on wearing sun screen, but I’m still out so much in the warmer months that I end up with a half-decent tan (I’ve never been able to go really dark, which is fine with me because it wouldn’t look right on me). I really don’t get why people pay for something that can usually be had for free (depending on where you live, of course).
What really gets me with the sunburn though is when we go to the desert in the winter. I’m such a sucker for the sun after tons of snow (which I also enjoy) that I always end up with a slight burn on my face at least once, regardless of whether or not I wear sunscreen.
wolfjinx25
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
I am a Floridian and i totally avoid the sun as much as possible. I was an avid golfer back in high school before Freshman year of college. Now I’m 25 going on 26 and do as much as I can to avoid the sun. Last time I got caught up in the sun was a year ago at work for field day. My scalp got burnt since I forgot to wear a hat. Never again.
I get paranoid of getting skin cancer. Even on my last cruise with my ex, I hated getting in the sun. He wanted me to be as tan as he was by trying to get me to apply tanning stuff, well it only made my face red as a lobster. So therefore I’m glad he’s an ex and I never associate with him anymore since he’s so obsessed with tanning and making me tan.
mikeyellenlee
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 11:30 am: [report]
What is it that makes people so obsessed with tanning?
PamelaSC
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 12:39 pm: [report]
I gave up trying to tan when I was 16, because I’d already had several bad burns where I blistered. I figured a tan wasn’t worth ruining my skin. Fortunately, both my kids are religious with the sunblock. But I remember trying the tan-in-a-can in high school, and ending up a shade of orange that Lindsay Lohan would have been proud of. LOL
retro chic
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]
Haha… Welll, mikeyellenlee, in LA, at least, I believe tanning is a requirement before obtaining a Driver’s License so you won’t offend anyone’s narcissistic sensibilities by ruining the view (tic, I’m 3rd gen’ LA, so I can say that). I noticed from the Bravo “Real Housewives” series, that the the OC, NYC, Atlanta and now NJ ladies are well-tanned, so besides having extra money it’s just an unspoken bi-coastal condition for which there is no known medication.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 01:12 pm: [report]
Tanning: Dealbreaker or not?
A resounding no.
Why the hell do they call it tanning anyway? In England all of the tanneries were kicked out of the cities and towns because of the horrible smelling caustic chemicals, why would they want to associate with that crazy amount of pollution? Well obviously most people aren’t familiar with how leather products are made, but I am out to educate if I can.
Bean's Girl
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 05:53 pm: [report]
I avoid the sun like a vampire and don’t go outside unless I have to either. You can probably tell from my picture at the left :D.
LoveIsCool
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 06:09 pm: [report]
I was the stereotypical sun worshipper in the 70’s and now I’m paying for it. Luckily I never liked my face to be brown so I don’t have the “leather purse” look but I’ve had spots caused by sun damage freeze-burned off my legs by a dermatologist…not fun! I’ve always been very vain about my shapely legs and now I’m embarrassed to show them in public because of scars and sun damage. Sunscreen will keep you young!
lindssaurus
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 06:46 pm: [report]
only went in a tan booth once, before prom. was burnt the employees thought i could handle 7min. nope. i’d rather be pale and apply sunscreen religiously and wear a floppy hat than look like a leather couch. what is worse are people who claim sunscreen doesnt work or dont want to use it thinking its going to ruin thier tans. they will pay for it later.
shannac02
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 07:15 am: [report]
Americans love to tan because historically, only the wealthy can afford to sit in the sun all day and do nothing, hence the wealthy have sun tans. In the Philippines (sp?), they are very big on Skin Bleaching, because the darker people are the poor people that work in the fields all day.
The Brits love to nip to the sun beds since they have very few days of full sun, they love to go just for a few minutes and soak up some UV rays…
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 07:22 am: [report]
@shannac02: Sorry to burst your bubble Shanna, but until the 1930’s with the advent of womens bathing suits and the new independent woman did tanning come into vogue. Up until then you are correct, white was better, because it meant you could stay inside, which meant you didn’t have to work due to the wealth you had amassed. Gotta love societal changes.
wawmama
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 08:00 am: [report]
I’m pale, pale to begin with, so I stay out of the sun, slather on sunscreen daily, etc. It must being paying off, because I don’t look my age.
Arty
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 08:29 am: [report]
I embrace my alabaster skin! In high school my friends used to say “When Miss Info tans she goes from white to pale.” I don’t mind, though.
shannac02
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 08:32 am: [report]
If I tell my bestie I’m on my way to tan, He says: “You mean you’re going to lay in a bed and burn”... Hater.
sklut
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
As a pale Floridian that lost her very close grandmother to a horrible case of melanoma 5 years ago, I avoid tanning like the plague, self tanners are my best friend and so what if I’m a little white? At least I won’t die a horrible death from skin cancer, or have all my friends talk about me behind my back because I tan so much my skin feels like leather.