The Monogamist: The Name Change
Posted by: Annemarie Conte
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Tuesday November 25th 2008
My sister practically clutched her heart when I first told her. “But what about the children?” she demanded. I shook my head, completely speechless. Now, I have an answer: What’s going to happen to our—at this stage—hypothetical children if I don’t change my name? They’ll survive.
Maybe if I was a more patient person and I felt like spending half a day at the DMV, the social security office and countless other bureaucracies with long lines and excessive amounts of fluorescent lighting, I might consider it. But at this point, I’ve been living with my last name for decades and I’m happy with it.
I didn’t want to change my name. I never even considered it. Yeah, I’m a writer and I have the byline to think about, but there are plenty of women writers who easily change their names without their careers suffering for it. That wasn’t much of a factor, though I will use it as an excuse to shut people up if they’re pestering me too long about it. Mostly, though, when people ask, I’m straight up: I just didn’t want to change my name. For me, figuring out what it means to be a wife was a big enough change. I didn’t need a new identity on top of it. A new name just felt like a too-tight coat.
I think if I was a young bride—maybe I’d just graduated college and I hadn’t started my career and didn’t have pesky things like investments, credit cards, car insurance, and about a billion magazine subscriptions in my name—I might be more apt to change it. Maybe if I was a more patient person, and I felt like spending half a day at the DMV, the social security office, and countless other bureaucracies with long lines and excessive amounts of fluorescent lighting, I might consider it. But at this point, I’ve been living with my last name for decades, and I’m happy with it.
I have a friend who got married three weeks after I did, and she was over the moon to change her last name from an unwieldy and oft-mispronounced, nine-letter, consonant-filled, Polish monstrosity to the three-letter “Joy”… until she actually had to do it. She sent me a panicked e-mail about how she couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to change her name—she just didn’t. It had nothing to do with her husband. It just didn’t feel right, and it made her a little sad.
“Look, you don’t have to change your name immediately, or at all,” I counseled. “You can do it in stages, or you can wait until you have kids and see how you feel then.” That seemed to talk her off the ledge, and now, six weeks later, she’s proudly rolled out her first baby-step, a new e-mail ID. I applaud her for it. Whatever works for her, ya’ know? I’m not out to push my non-name-changing agenda on anyone.
And, for the record, I reserve the right to change my mind if we have kids. Or if one day it just feels right. But one thing I know for sure is that I’ll never hyphenate. It seems to work for some people, but it seems like too much when I’ve got a nine-letter first name.
I know for sure that I’m not going to make my kids hyphenate. I talked to Amelia about this, and she found the hyphenation to be annoying growing up (filling out forms was a pain in the butt, her ID doesn’t have enough room for her first name, and she always has trouble getting her airline tickets from the easy check-in kiosk). And what choice does she have if she decides she wants to hyphenate when she gets married? Drop the first last name and tack on the new one? Amelia Parry-Awesome? Hyphenate three times? Amelia McDonell-Parry-Awesome? Or create a new name, combining both names… Amelia McParsome? Or go the traditional route and be Amelia Awesome, which in this case is clearly the best choice because not only does she get a new last name, she gets to be a superhero on top of it.
There are a thousand options (the husband taking the wife’s name, for example). Andy and I had actually discussed taking the dog’s last name, which is McWaggerstein (she’s an Irish Jew), or changing our first names so we could see the look on someone’s face when they asked, “So, are you changing your name?” and I got to respond, “Yep, from now on, I’m Belula and this is Rick.” But really, I wasn’t about to do that for a few fleeting seconds of self-satisfaction.
In the end, it comes down to what works for me. I’m wearing a wedding ring so most people get that I’m married. They can figure out the rest from there.
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EastCoastMale
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 11:57 am: [report]
I would say in this instance I totally agree with you which might bea first for me on this site. I usually only share the outlook of half of a comment or article. Last names, as you said, are something that you definitely become accustomed to and gain a fondness for, I really find men who automatically expect their wives to change their last names to be quite…close minded lets say. Hearing stories of couples where there was a name issue and the male half become quite upset to the point that it would either hurt or end the relationship, I find that to be rediculous personally. Personally, I have always been keen on the idea of taking a females last name and/or changing my first to boot. Not that I dont like my current one but I dont place huge importance on it, at least as much as some do. They make it seem as if they are dicarding their personality or character, turning their back on themselves in they change their name. I say good step to your friend, have to start somewhere.
TheSavage
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 01:50 pm: [report]
I am so with you! I am a writer too, so that was my reasoning at first for not changing my name. Now I just don’t want to, and I really don’t think we have to. Amen Annmarie Conte.
bittermelon
wrote on November 25 2008 @ 02:33 pm: [report]
I tell people I didn’t hyphen my last name because it rhymed with my hubby’s and it would sound ridiculous. But really, I didn’t see a point in changing it. I mean, there was a movement! Even after we had a kid, I kept mine.
Also, it’s helpful when telemarketers call and ask for my hubby and then say, Oh, are you Mrs. So-and-so, I can truthfully say, no. They’re a little dumbfounded, who is this woman answering this man’s phone…Have we not evolved past taking the husband’s name, are we not in the 21st century?
Although I do think a woman has a right to whatever identity she wants to claim, changing my name is just not for me. Now if only my mil would recognize it.
juliePS
wrote on November 26 2008 @ 08:32 am: [report]
I plan to keep my last name (or maybe, MAYBE hyphenate) simply because I love my name. It’s unique, and my family is so important to me that I want people to know that’s where I come from. I actually had a drawn-out argument about this with a serious boyfriend—he had the most bland, boring last name, and I was like, oh hell no, I am too proud of being a PS for that. I’m sure I could have handled it much better but he was surprisingly insulted by the fact that our hypothetical marriage would not involve me changing my name.
besides, you can give your hypothetical kids whatever last name you want.
Amelia
wrote on November 26 2008 @ 09:17 am: [report]
I had decided, back when I was getting married, that I was going to take the fiance’s last name—I liked his name a lot and I wanted to have the same name as my kids. But in general, I am just kind of anti-taking his last name. So I don’t know what I’ll do the next time marriage presents itself.
Lyra
wrote on November 26 2008 @ 09:50 pm: [report]
Don’t surrender your identity. Giving up your last name is truly symbolic of giving up your past life… ridiculous and sexist. Also, Amelia, who says the kids shall receive their father’s name? My parents flipped a coin, and I now have my mother’s last name and my father’s as my middle name, though I don’t use it. Otherwise, hyphenate the kids’ names until they’re 18, and let them decide for themselves.
Girlie
wrote on November 30 2008 @ 10:44 pm: [report]
The end of the article is hilarious! I’m engaged and actually have the opposite situation. My fiance is from a different part of the world where the tradition is for the bride to keep her own name but I was anticipating taking his last name. We’ve had a few conversations about this but nothing definitive…we have a few more months to come to a decision.
catink
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 11:26 am: [report]
Good to hear I’m not the only one that doesn’t want to change their name.
My husband’s last name is already hyphenated from his parents’ last names, and it always gets spelled and pronounced wrong. We got married a year and a half ago and it hasn’t posed any significant difficulties yet.
However I feel pressure for us to come to some unified name to share with our children when that day comes.
Perceptible
wrote on December 2 2008 @ 11:44 am: [report]
I agree with Lyra. A woman surrendering her last name is residual sexism. How can we ever be seen as equals with these awful traditions that nobody questions? I have always thought that the children should have the mother’s last name, simply because those 9 months of pregnancy and countless hours of labor deserve that at least! But Lyra’s idea of hyphenating until they’re old enough to choose is great!
Other old traditions that perpetuate sexism and need to go away: the father “giving away” the bride, and using terms like Miss or Mrs (both derivatives of mistress meaning belonging to a man – and what should my marital status have to do with anything anyway?!).
Penee
wrote on December 17 2008 @ 09:35 pm: [report]
Since I have recently married many people seem bothered by the fact that I did not change my last name. I was divorced in 1983 and did keep my ex-husband’s last name only for the sake of the children. I discussed the name change with my now husband and he seems fine with me keeping my first marriage name. I wonder how many other women have done the same thing. Is it wrong? My Mom said that if I had married in the church it would not be allowed and I would be forced to choose my second husband’s name. My Mom feels I should change my name because it offends so many. Any input?