The Lies Men Think All Women Tell
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
10:30AM, Wednesday July 15th 2009
Well, the secret is out, ladies. One of our own has let the cat out of the bag. Writing for AskMen.com, female “relationship correspondent,” Madeline Murphy shares the five lies she says every woman tells. “All women lie in certain situations and your little angel is no exception,” Murphy writes, adding:
“Sometimes she’s only fibbing a bit to protect her own feelings or yours. Sometimes her motives are less laudable, like lying to cover her tracks. Whatever the case, certain lies occur much more frequently than others. It’s up to you to learn the five lies all women tell, and how to handle them.”
So just what are the five lies every single one of us is guilty of telling? Find out after the jump.
1. “I’m not mad at you.”
Murphy writes:
“Oh, yes she is. Don’t think you’re getting off that easily. This lie is one of the most frequently used in relationships. Typically, women who have been hurt by men in their lives—often inadvertently—use this phrase as an emotional defense. For example, if a guy forgets his girlfriend’s birthday, calls her by his ex’s name or commits any of the other minor screwups that most men do on a daily basis, women usually can’t just let it go. They dwell on it, letting worries whittle away normal feelings of well-being like a dog gnaws on a bone.”
First of all, forgetting a girlfriend’s birthday or calling her by his ex’s name aren’t exactly a minor screw ups most men do on a daily basis. And they certainly aren’t relationship offenses that women should shrug off and not dwell on a little. Frankly, they’re big ol’ red flags and anyone who says otherwise is delusional or in deep denial. I once had a boyfriend who called me by his ex’s name three times in less than a month. Rather than tell him I “wasn’t mad,” I let him know how pissed I was and totally called him out on still being in love with her, which he denied, denied, denied, and guess what? Two years later they got married!
2. “I don’t mind if you go to strip clubs with the boys.”
That’s funny — I know plenty of women who tell their boyfriends and husbands they mind very much if they go to a strip club. I feel pretty ‘eh’ about it myself. I know it’s not my guy’s thing, so it’s not something I really think about, but if, say, he got invited to a friend’s bachelor party and the guys made a stop at a strip club, well, no, I wouldn’t really mind he went along. Frankly, my relationship — not to mention self-esteem — is strong enough that I’m not gonna feel threatened by a few hot ladies in pasties. Now if it were an every day thing ... that’d be another story, and I’d definitely speak up about it, and I imagine most other women would, too.
3. “I’m just not ready for a boyfriend right now.”
Murphy writes:
“Once again, this statement is almost always false, although at least it’s told with the best intentions, in order to soften rejection. It might be followed by an additional excuse such as: “I just came out of a bad relationship, and I don’t want to be hurt again,” or “I’m just too busy with my career right now to have a boyfriend.” The truth is, if the woman is single and at all interested in you, she will certainly make the time to date you. It’s that simple.”
Okay, I sort of have to agree with her on this one. I can’t remember a single time I ever uttered the words ‘I’m just not ready for a boyfriend now” and didn’t really mean “I’m just not ready for YOU to be my boyfriend now…or ever.” Fortunately, the older I got, the easier it was to be honest and tell a guy, “I’m just not feeling it with you, sorry.” Surprisingly, the revelation never killed any of them.
4. “I don’t mind picking up the tab tonight; you always pay anyway.”
Murphy writes:
“Not true. Although this lie doesn’t apply to all women, most still do expect men to pay for things, especially if the man asked them out in the first place. They will secretly think that the guy is cheap if he wriggles out of the bill on a regular basis.”
Well, at least she qualifies her statement by acknowledging the rule doesn’t apply to ALL women. I think most modern women, while they still enjoy men picking up the tab — especially on first dates — like to return the favor or a pretty regular basis. I’m a little strategic in my paying for dates when my fiance and I go out. I’ll let him get the more expensive dinners out and then I’ll “spring” for hot dogs in the park or a few happy hour drinks after work. I figure he makes a lot more than I do and is paying off less debt, so it makes financial sense for us to pay what we can afford. I genuinely like treating him a couple times a week and I think most women feel similarly. Am I right?
5. “That was f**king great!”
Murphy advises men: “When it comes to sex, that most sensitive of topics, it’s safe to say that you should take most things she tells you with a grain of salt.” Ouch. It’s possible, you know, that sometimes, some of us actually, gasp, tell the truth in the sack…or, you know, don’t have reason to lie in the first place. A novel idea, I know.
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bogart4017
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 10:54 am: [report]
its easy to tell when my wife is lying to me. But i don’t care because its usually about something thats none of my business anyway.
majicksand
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
1. If I’m mad, I’m gonna tell you. Nothing is worse than bottling up your feelings and letting them fester.
2. As long as there are no plans to sit at the runway ogling or spend your whole paycheck, I’m fine with it. Hell, I’ll go too if it isn’t a “boy’s night” thing.
3. I said that right after my son’s father and I split. I ended up caving and wish I hadn’t. My gut was right—I really wasn’t ready to be with anyone new.
4. This one definitely depends on relative income in an on-going relationship, but if a guy asked me out on a date then expected me to cover my own tab? He wouldn’t get a second date. On the flip-side, if I asked him out, I would pay.
5. If is isn’t great, say nothing. Then later, suck it up and broach the subject of your preferences. It can be an uncomfortable minefield trying not to bruise egos, but it’s worth it to communicate what you like and ways to improve the experience for both of you. This, of course, assumes a committed relationship that you wish to continue.
newmakcity
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]
The part I hate most about these articles is that it implies that those of us who are upfront are somehow insensitive or mean. Articles (especially those written by women) shouldn’t qualify lying by saying it’s what “nice” women do to “save feelings”. People (of either sex) often lie because it’s just plain easier than telling the truth.
_jsw_
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 09:51 pm: [report]
Obviously, since these things are not typically texted but are instead actually spoken in one’s presence, you’d normally be able to get a decent read from expressions and body language. That said, without any clues but the words themselves, here’s my perception of what these mean:
1. “I’m not mad at you.”
In my experience, this is typically a lie. Generally, when someone’s not mad at me, they rarely need to tell me that.
2. “I don’t mind if you go to strip clubs with the boys.”
Doesn’t apply to me, as I don’t like strip clubs. Always struck me as being similar to going to a steakhouse, watching them cook the steaks, maybe rubbing some of them on you, then leaving, still hungry (after paying for the steaks anyway). It’d be cool if they didn’t mind if I went, but I wouldn’t go.
3. “I’m just not ready for a boyfriend right now.”
Always a lie. Granted, there are times when pretty much anyone wouldn’t be ready for a relationship with 99.999% of the population, but there’s always at least one person they’d love to be with.
4. “I don’t mind picking up the tab tonight; you always pay anyway.”
This strikes me as usually being true. I mean the “not minding” part. If it’s said, I think it’s normally true. The “you always pay” part suggests a reasonably long term relationship, or at least a fair number of dates, so the guy should know by that point if it’s true.
5. “That was f**king great!”
This is always false, because when it’s that great, they usually pass out or babble in tongues or stare at me in disbelief. If they can speak coherently, it wasn’t good enough. On the other hand, if, hours later after the IV and smelling salts take effect, they slightly re-order the words as “now that was great f**king”, then it’s always true.
retro chic
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 10:46 pm: [report]
I think N°s 1–4 are borne of varying degrees of insecurity – learning to be straight up honest without fear of rejection. Dare to be honest – it’s liberating. I’ll add “It’s not you – it’s me” to N° 3.
But N° 5, he-he. Ahhh…yeah. I pretty much have to agree with jsw. When it’s that great, there’s nonsensical “missing time” for recovery, then the affirmation.
If my (now ex)SO mumbled post-recovery “That was awesome” and clearly we knew it was, I’d come back with “Hm. It was just… *OK.* That would get him going all over again. Not a lie, but a tease.
writergirl
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 04:15 am: [report]
Hmmm…No.1 could be the truth. If my husband comes home and finds me wound tight and asks if I am mad at him, “I’m not mad at you” generally is the truth. However, I should probably follow it up with the clarifying sentence of “I do have issues with your devil spawn at the moment.”
No. 3—I really don’t mind. I don’t mind any “guy time” he may have. And I think I remember making fun of him and his friends for not hitting a strip club for one’s bachelor weekend.
No 5…..uh…I must recover more quickly than most, because I can’t remember there being a very long time between the “great” and me stating that fact. My husband however, is ususally slunk in witless bliss. Ha.
friskyman68
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 06:22 am: [report]
I think its a shameful and hurtful that we lie to each other. Guys do it too. I understand why we do it and looking at some of the comments above, I think a lot of us do. It just ideal to think that maybe we can learn to live above it
_jsw_
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 08:23 am: [report]
@writergirl: “If my husband comes home and finds me wound tight and asks if I am mad at him, ‘I’m not mad at you’ generally is the truth.”
Ah, good point. I was interpreting it as “I’m not mad at you.” I suppose that could sometimes be true but needn’t often be said. Your interpretation of “I’m not mad at you” makes a lot more sense as a non-lie version of it.
I suppose there are variants:
“I’m not mad at you.” [someone else is, and you’d better watch out!]
“I’m not mad at you.” [“disappointed” is probably coming]
“I’m not mad at you.” [I’m mad with you… those bastards irk me!]
bumbler
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 08:34 am: [report]
Ugh I have to admit to lying on the “I’m not mad at you” one but I swear I have a good excuse! My husband wants to hash everything out the moment it comes up and usually in an audible voice no matter where we are: the movies, dinner with friends, parties with family etc. I’ll lie in the moment and bring it up when we are alone because I loathe airing out our dirty laundry in public. Even if I say “I’m a little annoyed at something but I’d prefer not to talk about it until we have some time alone” he’s a dog with a bone.
dlc910
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 04:14 pm: [report]
I agree with the “I’m not ready for a boyfriend” part, and, have to admit, the “I don’t mind paying” - other than that, the rest is bull.
VocalVal
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]
I am totally guilty of #1 and #5. What is my punishment?
wonderfultonight
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 08:44 pm: [report]
1. Seldom a lie. If I am mad, it is about something or someone else. He doesn’t assume that I’m mad at him in the first place.
2. I would mind if he went to strip clubs. And I wouldn’t lie about it. But it isn’t something he’s into, anyway.
4. I enjoy taking him out for a date. Usually, I get tickets for a game or concert or a movie he’s dying to see, even though I will usually have to grin and endure it. Thanks heavens I can make the snack bar runs.
5. We have a very good time in the sack together - no need to grade the action.
wonderfultonight
wrote on July 20 2009 @ 02:59 pm: [report]
_jsw_ if a man rockets me into the stratosphere I am barely able to form the word “WOW” silently. I would hate to leave this blissful state via smelling salts, though, but the IV idea would have been useful a few times. Funny comment.
writergirl
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
@jsw—didn’t see this until today.
Funny, I didn’t read it any of the way your italics alter the meaning of the sentence. I read it as it was written: I’m not mad at you.
Funny how emphasising different words can change the meaning of a sentence.
Symian
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 10:56 pm: [report]
Wow, I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am. it’s not cool to say all of women do anything, just like it’s not fair to say that all men cheat, lie, watch porn, and like sports.
1. There are plenty of other things to be angry about (work, kids drew on the wall with gravy, I dented the car).
2. Why would I care if you go… if at times I go with my friends without you?
3. Single does not equal desperate. If I just broke up with someone or had a major life event or and trying to achieve something other than having a boyfriend then I’m not ready for a relationship, my focus is somewhere else.
4. I’m just as much a part of this relationship and I don’t have any problem with picking up the tab sometimes.
5. If it ain’t grrrrrrreat, you’ll know after you wake me up afterwards, I don’t feel the need to stroke anyone’s ego if it hasn’t been earned.
It’s no wonder why so many relationships are transient and meaningless, we don’t care enough about the other person to tell the truth because it’s so much easier to lie.
Gingee
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
Bloody ‘ell. If I am mad, I say so.
Going to a strip club? I do mind.
“Not ready for a bf right now.” Nah. I’d say, ‘Thank you for your interest. I’m not available.’
I DO mind picking up the tab, unless I was the one who did the inviting.
“That was f*ing great.” If it were all that great, I wouldn’t be able to speak.
If you cannot afford to know the answer, do not ask the question.
wonderfultonight
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 08:17 pm: [report]
@Gingee That’s a great post,especialy #5. Why do guys ask?lol
onewriter
wrote on July 25 2009 @ 08:23 pm: [report]
good comments
fullupfrontal
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 08:06 am: [report]
Sadly, Chris Rock was right (or whoever his writer was), women tell bigger lies, men tell more lies.
The difference is women don’t want to be accountable for their lies and will take great pains to keep up those lies. Men on the whole do not do that, unless it’s about their pride.