The Kiss Of Death: 15 Signs Your Relationship Is Doomed
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
1:45PM, Thursday July 31st 2008
Last night, our own “Mind of Man” columnist was trying to tell me that couples moving in together was the kiss of death for their relationship. I think he’s crazy—always, always, always move in together before you commit to marriage, trust me!—but it did get me thinking about what some real kiss of death moments are for couples. Check out “15 Signs You’re Headed For Bed Death”, after the jump. Just don’t be mad at us if you decide to dump your boyfriend as a result.
1. You’re A Lot Smarter Than He Is: Let’s face it, guys can’t handle when a woman knows more than they do, about anything. “And lord knows, an intelligent woman would never waste her time with a guy with pea soup for brains,” says Bea.
2. Residual Immaturity: No guy completely grows up (says the girl whose fiancé spent three hours playing NCAA Football 2009 on his PS3 last night), but a passionate interest in something truly juvenile will wear on you eventually, if not immediately. “I discovered his secret stash of comic books; I started to notice that the reason he got up early on Saturday mornings was to watch cartoons, and guess what? Pretty soon I stopped getting wet,” says Katie.
3. Differing Opinions On A) Meal Responsibility & B) Palate: If s/he’s not accepting of the fact that you will not ever cook for him/her (A), and especially not a steak because you’re a vegetarian (B), your relationship is well-done and charred.
4. Grooming/Bathing/Hygiene Take A Back Seat: You discover skid marks on his underwear or witness him picking his nose without shame, while you also haven’t bothered to shave your legs in four months or wear anything but your worst period underwear in front of him. “After my boyfriend and I broke up is when I finally bought new bras and undies,” admits Sarah. “I didn’t care about maintaining any sort of sex appeal for him, but all the new guys on the horizon? Hell yeah.”
5. Girl-cations/Man-cations: This is okay in the beginning or even months into a relationship, but, guys? Once you’ve been a couple awhile and she suddenly wants to use her precious vacation time (not to mention money) to travel with her girls to Las Vegas, be warned, she’s probably weeks away from announcing she hates you. Ditto on when he announces he’s going backpacking with his best friend Tommy in Peru.
6. TV In The Bedroom: No matter who decides to buy the 60 inch plasma and install it directly across from where “the magic happens”, TV in the bedroom is an instant mood killer, both sexually and mentally. “The fact that my ex and I happily chose Seinfeld reruns over, you know, love-making definitely signaled the end of our relationship,” says Clara.
7. Having Rugrats – If you can’t agree on whether to have kids, that’s a major dealbreaker. But be warned procreators! “Once you have them, your sex life is over,” says Susie. “Sorry. I speak from experience.”
8. Peeing/Pooping In Each Other’s Presence: Separate bathrooms, or at least separate bathroom schedules, are key to a successful relationship. “The one thing in their relationships that all of my divorced friends have in common,” says Kim, “Is that they regularly had their morning pee in the bathroom while their significant other was brushing their teeth. Don’t do it ladies. Maintain a little mystery.”
9. King-Size Beds: Even if you go to bed mad, something about a forced snuggle in a small bed is like an unspoken “you’re forgiven” and allows everything bad between you to dissolve away. A king-size mattress lets the tension rest comfortably between you and a fight can go on for days.
10. Half Truths to Girlfriends: “I always know a relationship is doomed when I start telling my friends only part of the story about a squabble with my man,” says Kelly. “I need the release of the confession, but by not telling the whole truth, I’m leaving out the part that would make my friends scream ‘He’s not right for you!’” Chances are, you’ve probably already judged his actions yourself and are scared of your friends telling you what you already know – that you deserve better.
11. Expressing Interest In A Threesome/Orgy: No matter what he says, having sex with you AND another person/people, is really just an excuse for him to bone someone new. Period. “Let me tell you what happened when my boyfriend and I had a threesome,” warns Jessie. “In the throes of passion, it was clear he was much more interested in what she had to offer. After we broke up, they started dating. They did break up, however, so apparently threesomes are the kiss of death for the couple AND the guest star.”
12. A Drastic Change In Appearance: Many times after a breakup, a woman will chop off her hair or dye it a radical color. If she does it while she’s in a relationship, she’s sending her guy a message and that message is, “I don’t give a flying f**k whether you think my ears look too big with a pixie cut.”
13. Masturbation Frequency Increases: We are very pro-masturbation. Alone and horny? Go for it. Giving him a show? GREAT! He’s sick in bed and you just watched that hot love scene in Atonement? Why not?! But if having sex with yourself has replaced sex with him, that’s no good, sister.
14. Momma’s Boy Or Daddy’s Little Girl: If either one of you respects the opinion of a parent more than the opinion of your significant other, you’re headed for trouble. “When my boyfriend would call up his mother and ask her for her advice on work, money matters, and, seriously, even what to wear to Easter brunch, I realized he was never going to value my opinion as much or more than hers,” says Lisa.
15. “Oops, I Mean…” Moments: She or he calling you by the ex’s name outside of the bedroom is a reason to be alarmed. Inside the bedroom and you should probably just forget you ever met.
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theothergyllenhaal
wrote on July 31 2008 @ 03:03 pm: [report]
“I discovered his secret stash of comic books; I started to notice that the reason he got up early on Saturday mornings was to watch cartoons, and guess what? Pretty soon I stopped getting wet,” says Katie.”
Everyone’s entitled to their opinion, but damn, comic books and cartoons are that offensive? It’s not like the guy sucks his thumb and wears footie pajamas.
Amelia
wrote on July 31 2008 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
Or DOES HE?
atlgirl
wrote on July 31 2008 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
Number 10 is so true. When I find myself adding, “...but really it’s great” to my girlfriends, then I secretly know it’s time to get out.
Elle
wrote on July 31 2008 @ 08:44 pm: [report]
I think #8 is BS. We have an open door policy in our home and before we shared bathroom time before we had the luxury of having two bathrooms. I will say that it annoyed me because Mr. likes to camp out for like a half an hour and read and I’m like dude I gotta go!
Amelia
wrote on July 31 2008 @ 09:28 pm: [report]
@Elle Yeah but would you take a dump in front of him while he brushes his teeth?
Peter
wrote on July 31 2008 @ 10:56 pm: [report]
#2, #3, and #8 are all stupid. Boys like boy things like comic books, girls like to shop a ton. I personally have a strong passion for playing the guitar 24/7. If a girl has a problem with that, then she find a guy who sucks at guitar. And #3: I hate to cook. But, if I love her, I will make her a thanksgiving meal every day and serve it to her in bed. Love is selfless. And yeah, #8 just doesn’t have anything to do with anything.
Amelia
wrote on August 1 2008 @ 05:12 am: [report]
@Peter But playing guitar isn’t an example of latent immaturity—that’s just cool.
ela
wrote on August 1 2008 @ 06:37 am: [report]
i have to say this: everyone leaves skidmarks. stop denying it. i love my man and there’s nothing he can do to gross me out… esp to break it off.
a measly skidmark in his hanes or pooping while i emtpy the washing machine…who cares?
they are natural and normal human functions. being grossed out and breaking up over it is latent immaturity!
Budlight Lime Gal
wrote on August 1 2008 @ 08:27 am: [report]
I respect everyone’s opinion, but there is not a chance I could ever urinate in front of my man. Just personal preference.
LovesIt
wrote on August 1 2008 @ 09:08 am: [report]
@Budlight Lime Gal. Agreed. Total romance killer—some things about a lady should be left to mystery. That being said, I wouldn’t dump a guy over a skidmark… just buy him better toilet paper. Problem solved.
Elle
wrote on August 1 2008 @ 09:53 pm: [report]
@Amelia. I draw the line at poop. He will go for it if I’m in the bathroom, but that’s my sacred time and I like my solitude.
bittermelon
wrote on August 4 2008 @ 04:29 am: [report]
Re #8, we have no problem with it. And if it’s a particularly strange/long/nasty one, we call the other over to check out the dump (like http://www.ratemypoo.com... careful, that’s a really nasty site). It’s not a sexual thing, we just find it funny. It’s that immaturity thing that balances out the more common times when we act like an old married couple. Ditto with skid marks, which is uncommon but funny when either of us get them. The ability to laugh at stupid things is one of the things that keep us attracted to each other.
bunnymatic
wrote on August 4 2008 @ 07:02 am: [report]
you know, i don’t quite understand what’s the issue with most of these things, minus the decline in self-maintenance and the calling a different name ones. isn’t this all part of “the weather”? if these things are referred to as new habits, meaning they will be practiced over time, i might understand. but hating on a guy that reads comic books and watches cartoons in his spare time? oh please. i’d love it! king size bed woes? sometimes you need to stretch out. tv in the bedroom? oh come on.
Dorothy
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 10:36 pm: [report]
The rugrat remark about killing sex life and Suzie says she speaks from experience is not true for everyone. I have 5 children, and my sex life with my husband has never been better..Very frequent, at least 4 days a week, and never boring!!!
Sean
wrote on August 15 2008 @ 07:17 pm: [report]
yea whoever wrote the comic books one needs to get a life u cant accept him for who he is then its not the guys fault for hanging on to childhood its your fault for being stuck-up and judgemental
sickofhismom
wrote on August 17 2008 @ 06:19 am: [report]
#14 “The love of my life” has gone from just that, to somone I would love to see anyother place than where I am. I blame is mom. She has babied him so much for 40 years now, it makes him impossible to get along with. They talk 5-6 times a day, and he even has a secret phone to do it with since I started tracking his calls on his personal cell. He confides in her for money matters, personal matters, and even hygenic matters.. She used to shave his BACK!!! EWWW A momma’s boy will never change. Stay away….
Skid mark solution
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 01:17 am: [report]
Don’t dump the guy due to skid marks! My solution? Ditch the tighty whities for grey, navy and even black undies. That way I won’t get grossed out if I am doing the wash.
Mik
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 12:08 am: [report]
As a lover of porn, I have to completely disagree with #6. I don’t do my porn watching in the living room, that’s strictly bedroom stuff. I am very forgetful and I don’t need random family members finding my copy of Tattooed & Tight in the DVD player.