The Ickiest Sex Scandal Quotes Ever

The best part of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitting he’s been having an affair – with tax payer dollars, no less! – with a mysterious woman named “Maria”? The fact that some of the love letters he sent her have been released! It is true poetry, peoples. Ahem…

”You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light—but hey, that would be going into sexual details…”

Oh please, do continue!

”In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul.”

Yowza! That’s, uh, sexy stuff. But how does it compare to the words exchanged during other famous sex scandals? Let’s take a walk down memory lane…

“You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and you would have your back to me and I would take that loofah thing and kinda’ soap up your back…rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water…and um, you know, you’d feel the tension drain out of you and uh you would still be with your back to me then I would kinda’ put my arm—it’s one of those mitts, those loofah mitts you know, so I got my hands in it…and I would put it around front, kinda’ rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard…‘cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs…So anyway I’d be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda’ kissing your neck from behind…and then I would take the other hand with the falafel (sic) thing and I’d just put it on your p**sy but you’d have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business…” —Bill O’Reilly (allegedly) to Andrea Mackris, who sued him for sexual harassment

”I want to be reincarnated as your tampon.” —Prince Charles to Camilla Parker Bowles

”What would you do if I masturbated in front of you?” —Pat O’Brien to an “Access Hollywood” producer

Mark Foley: did any girl give you a haand job this weekend
Underage Congressional Page: lol no
MF: good so your getting horny
UCP: lol…a bit
MF: did you spank it this weekend yourself
UCP: no… been too tired and too busy
MF: wow… i am never to busy haha
—Representative Mark Foley to an underage congressional page via IM

”S**t. I need it real bad.”
“Definitely will dream about you. All love songs, I think about you!”
“You were my girl for as long as I can remember. I was too young and stupid to know. I promise for the rest of my life you will be my girl.”
“You were kind of wet last night, inside and out. LOL.”
“Not till death do us part.”
—Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick to his assistant/mistress via text message

”Who has pubic hair on my Coke?” —Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas (allegedly) to Anita Hill

”Man, if a f**king camera could blush it would be f**king red because you are so f**king pretty… I F**KING LIVE ON PORN! What are you talking about? You’re so sexy, you are so f**king sexy. Where’s the zoom on this f**king piece of #&@$%? You’re f**king gorgeous (laughs). Baby, you’re so f**king beautiful, man…. Aw, the battery’s dead…so is my f**king c**k.” —Colin Farrell to Nicole Narain in their unauthorized sex tape