The Frisky’s 8 Things That Should Be Sexy, But Aren’t
Posted by: Simcha Whitehill
Filed in:
sex
12:20PM, Tuesday October 7th 2008
Ironically, many of the items marketed for sexy times are actually huge turnoffs. Like a skirt-chasing guy who reeks of desperation, they’re gross, they’re unnecessary, and they make things uncomfortable. These eight products can be used to show of your goods, but we don’t recommend it:
Chocolate Cooch Hugh Hefner’s #1 girlfriend recently gave him a very intimate birthday present: a chocolate mold of her vagina. They just broke up, so apparently it wasn’t enough.
Banana Hammocks If you wanna Wang Chung tonight, do not put your junk in a sling. Lime green spandex is a handicap, even for the fittest stripper. Butt cheeks and tiny underwear are eye-catching, but the hammock is just too swinging. Gentlemen, there are better ways to show off your assets.
Mirror On The Ceiling Sex is chock full of stimulation for your senses, but do you really need that extra eyeful? Normally, when it comes to getting naked, we can just roll with it—no need to remind us of the reason our jiggly butt is behind us. The last thing you want to be in the sack is self-conscious.
Leather Pants My grandma’s got a pair of these things, nuff said. Unless you’re Sheryl Crow or into to them for fetish purposes, leather pants will make you look like you’re going through a midlife crisis.
Free Porn It’s true, the best things in life are free. However, not every freebie is hot. Just because someone has a video camera and a willing partner doesn’t make their doing it steamy, or even watchable. Intercourse can be performed by amateurs, but film making should almost never be. Leave porn to the professionals!
Edible Undies Sure, we all like to get munched on, but a fruit rollup for your crotch isn’t tasteful for either party. Who wants corn syrup sticking up their vag when they’re try to do it?
Dick In A Box With Halloween coming up, slutty costumes are on everyone’s minds. However, we’re pretty positive that no one who wore last year’s super popular Saturday Night Live “Dick in a Box” outfit got laid that night. Yeah, Justin Timberlake is irresistible and has a great sense of humor, but a funny guy that tries to lure you into his pants with a “surprise” is creepy year round.
Fishnet Mesh Shirts You want to show off your bod, but casting that wide a net over your torso, just makes it seem like you’re not that choosy, and also cheesy. Case in point: Right Said Fred. You think you’re too sexy for a shirt? That’s so unsexy, it hurts!
- Today’s Lady News: Jaycee Dugard’s Family Speaks Out Against Proposed Porn
- Girl Talk: Guys, Keep Your Porno Fantasies To Yourself
- Jenna Jameson Made It Possible For Female Porn Performers To Say “I’m Not Gonna Do It In The Back”
- A History: Sex Tapes We Weren't Suppossed to See (Maxim)
- Celebrities Who Look Way Older Than They Are (Starpulse)
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
HyperSexualGirl
wrote on October 7 2008 @ 12:28 pm: [report]
I disagree on the homemade porn advice. Almost all pro porn is tedious and boring. Looking at homemade porn my sweetie and I made gets me all worked up.
atlgirl
wrote on October 7 2008 @ 12:37 pm: [report]
I have one to add: Hot candlewax! Messy and ouch.
Oh, and another: “sexy” use of ice cubes.
J.D. Bauchery
wrote on October 7 2008 @ 12:43 pm: [report]
I totally agree that watching your own porn can be super hot, but watching someone else’s grainy screen humps is usually not. And yeah, there is lots of crappy porn out there, but a ton of good stuff too… if you know where to look. In my experience, porn made by women is way hotter and almost always makes sure that everyone gets off and has fun. Definitely not tedious or boring.
-J.D.
http://www.HotMoviesForHer.com
HyperSexualGirl
wrote on October 7 2008 @ 07:22 pm: [report]
“but a ton of good stuff too”
I think your standards must not be the same as mine. A great majority of porn, in my opinion (and I have watched a lot), whether made by man, woman, or wombat, is derivative crap. From the absurd-looking actresses to the fake moaning to the ridiculous clothes to the laughable set-ups to the ubiquitous four-positions-then-a-popshot, it’s a bland smorgasbord of sameness. I also hate how, in so much porn, nothing is shown of the man above mid-chest—he’s a faceless mannequin—and he never says a thing.
In my opinion, if you can’t deliver a line of dialog (as most porn “actors” can’t), then you can’t bonk convincingly on-screen, either. That’s my biggest problem with the great majority of porn—the people on screen are screwing, but it’s just not convincing one bit. Thanks to Caverject and Viagra, the men are hard, they’re pistoning back and forth, the women are moaning, but it’s so obviously fake and bad it’s just not hot to me.
As lousy as the lighting and production values may be in amateur porn, with a few exceptions, the best stuff I’ve seen is made by hot-looking people in their own bedrooms, not in Chatsworth. The quality may be crap, but the lust is real.
I will check out your site, nonetheless, and have bookmarked it on my blog.
Sarah
wrote on October 7 2008 @ 11:36 pm: [report]
I also very much disagree with the “free porn” comment. I would rather have a homemade shot with a couple who seem to be enjoying themselves than over-airbrushed and silicon laced girls who (generally) fake orgasms, anyday.
Optical
wrote on October 8 2008 @ 01:21 am: [report]
n-th about the ‘free porn’. There *is* good commercial stuff (and also seconding on the aspect of women-made films being much better IMO) but real is real; I ‘ve found candid recordings of couples that oozed hotness but more importantly, *enjoyment*. You can’t fake that. They may not be perfect-body models, lighting and camera handling may be clumsy, but the real expressions and reactions, well….
jwms
wrote on October 8 2008 @ 08:24 pm: [report]
Another problem withthe edible undies. getting up to cahange the sticky sheets. Or deciding who sleep in the “sticky” spot.
duckie
wrote on October 9 2008 @ 05:10 pm: [report]
My boyfriend and I use the show the L word as porn.
Sylvie
wrote on October 9 2008 @ 08:26 pm: [report]
I agree with everything but the mirror on the ceiling… I have always enjoyed everything a little more with the mirror. It may also be noted that all the guys that had one were all very attractive though…
Owl Farm
wrote on November 5 2008 @ 12:15 pm: [report]
sorry - have to disagree about the free porn and the mirror. both can be very sexy and add a voyeuristic element which can be fun.
Mackenzie
wrote on February 7 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
Another vote for mirror. My ex didn’t have one over the bed, but next to it, and I didn’t consciously look but every once in a while would catch a glimpse and it was waaay hot.
CuteCora
wrote on February 7 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
Another Vote: Pro Mirror and Pro Porn…. I can do without the ediable undies..lol