The Dos And Don’ts Of Emailing Online Dating Matches
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Thursday September 24th 2009
When a friend of mine who’s dipping her toe back into the world of online dating recently asked for three quick rules to remember when emailing potential matches, it occurred to me that if she needed a bit of a refresher course, some of you probably do too. After all, as convenient as it is, email is rife with opportunities to shoot yourself in the foot and hurt your shot at making a real connection. So after the jump, eight dos and don’ts to remember when emailing a potential online dating match.
1. Do keep it short.
Think of an email as an appetizer. Don’t ruin his appetite by feeding him entree-sized portions before the main course. Keep him hungry for more.
2. Don’t double-email.
One email for each email received, OK? Writing two or more emails before you’ve gotten a reply to the first not only makes you look a little obsessed, it also makes it seem like you don’t have anything better to do with your time.
3. Do ask at least one question in each email.
Some people have a hard time figuring out what to write in an email, so make it easy by giving at least one question he can respond to. Unless he’s got the personality of corduroy, he should be able to carry the conversation for at least a paragraph from there.
4. Don’t rant.
A quick, funny line about people in your building taking the elevator for just one floor is one thing; composing a five-paragraph essay on the growing laziness and general self-absorption of people today is just obnoxious.
5. Do wait at least half a day to reply.
Not only do you risk looking like you’ve got nothing else going on besides waiting by your computer for an email from him, replying too soon can make him feel a little stressed over keeping up with your pace.
6. Don’t confess all.
This isn’t therapy — save your secrets, insecurities, and stifled anger at your mother for your best friend or shrink. If you want to confess something, confess that you skipped your weekend workout to hit a fringe theater fest in your neighborhood instead. At least that gives him an idea about your hobbies and interests.
7. Do be cautious sharing personal info, including your last name, off-site email address, and, of course, home address.
This should go without saying, I hope.
8. Don’t give details about where you work.
It compromises your job and your personal security.
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Riley
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
Man, that laptop looks like something out of the Flintstones.
amandabear
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
9. Don’t ask a person out in your first email. It’s weird and off-putting and will probably make them not want to talk to you even if they’d think you’re super awesome otherwise.
Oliveira
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]
“Do wait at least half a day to reply.”
Oh yes, and spend that time obsessing that if you write xxx he might think you’re yyy but if you don’t he’ll think zzz so perhaps write him but not yet because he’ll think you’re easy so maybe tomorrow but then he’ll think you’re ignoring him so…
bethlynn00
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
I’ve noticed that a lot of people do the double email. I do it and I think it’s okay, but then when a guy does it to me, it freaks me out. I also don’t wait half a day to reply sometimes, but I;m so use to at work getting an email and replying right away, that transfers into my personal life. I;m sure I scare lots of guys off on-line!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
@Riley: Hey! I had one of those!
Riley
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]
@Bethlynn00 - I’m used to the same thing, quick e-mail response or text response because that is what I do at work. I have to try to remember that not everyone is used to that or appreciates it.
@Cheese - I apologize for nothing! I’m sure it played solitaire splendidly before the battery died after 30 minutes.
tigerstripe
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 12:46 pm: [report]
OKCupid did a post with statistics and everything about what kind of messages get the most replies.
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/2009/09/14/online-dating-advice-exactly-what-to-say-in-a-first-message/
_jsw_
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 08:21 pm: [report]
I don’t buy #2. Sure, don’t send many emails. But never send a second email? No way.
I also disagree with #5. Half a day? So, if that’s followed all the time, and the others are followed as well, that leaves you with exactly one short email every day (he sends one, you wait half a day, you send one, he waits half a day).
I agree: Don’t reply instantly every time. Don’t flood his mailbox with a million unrequested emails. Don’t write novels every time.
But I think that these tips are suitable for the very initial days of meeting someone. Afterwards, I think you need to do more in order to establish a rapport.
effing hickster
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 10:44 pm: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse and Riley: But it would sooo come in handy if the guy showed up at her work. She could beat him over the head with it.
brandyalexander
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 07:38 am: [report]
Yeah, and tell tell the person how hot or beautiful you think they are… creepy.
Tart and Soul
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 09:33 am: [report]
Online dating was always a no-no for me until I ran an event called The Man Panel (in which a panel of men answer questions about relationships from an audience of women). I did a panel on online dating which featured the CEO of a dating site and five men who’d tried online dating. Lots of juicy, helpful information for everyone.
Check out my blog post about it – Online Dating: Help or Hindrance?
http://tartandsoul.com/2009/02/01/the-man-panel-online-dating-a-help-or-a-hindrance/
christophe
wrote on September 29 2009 @ 02:15 pm: [report]
I give online dating advice to men and I actually agree with a lot of these rules. They apply to men as well, although I fully support taking it to the phone as quick as possible. Who has time for endless emails?
Props for posting these rules!
Christophe
http://www.internetdatingtipsformen.com