The Breakup Diaries: Get The %$#@ Out Of My Dreams
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
12:30PM, Wednesday January 7th 2009
This is going to be my last Breakup Diaries column, I think. I feel like I’ve reached an end to the deep mourning process that is a breakup and with 2009 being a new year, I’m ready for a fresh start. While my mind feels ready for that, and my body too (thanks $527 make out!), my dream life apparently hasn’t gotten the memo. Since the breakup occurred, I’ve dreamed about my ex, in some way, at least every other night. And it’s starting to piss me off.
The night before the big Officially Official Breakup (four days prior to the $527 make out, for those keeping a calendar), I was in Vermont, visiting my best friend from childhood. I had an awful, terrible dream where I was desperately trying to find out from my ex why he left, what I could do to change his mind, what he could do to make me understand. I got nowhere. In the morning, my friend told me I was whimpering and crying in my sleep, which was both embarrassing and infuriating. Hadn’t I cried enough over that fool during my waking hours? Why couldn’t my dream life be a nice cushy escape filled with Ryan Gosling and puppies?
The dreams are all the same echoing my desire, even now, to know what the hell happened. They’re less about being devastated or angry than they are about finding out answers. I think this is obviously because I still don’t know what happened between him and I, when it happened, and whether anything could have been done—had I, you know, been included in his decision making process—to save it. At this point, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s for the best, that we clearly weren’t right for each other on a truly long term, till-we’re-old-and-gray basis. No man that I would want to spend my life with would cut me out of his life in such a swift and decisive and emotionally detached way. But still. You think you know someone and then you don’t and then it feels like they are gone and all you want in the world is answers. I’ve stopped seeking them in real life, but clearly my subconscious hasn’t given up yet.
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Kiki T
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 12:46 pm: [report]
To a big beautiful future filled of new possiblities!!!!
TexasGirl
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]
When this happens to me, I always settle in with a bottle of wine, drink steadily and pass out. I never remember my dreams after a good heart to heart with a bottle of wine.
Amelia
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
@TexasGirl Yeah, I drink wine every night. Not helping!
Humble Bee
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
Amelia,
who drinks wine to forget??? Go for the Tequila! Now we’re talkin’
HitOrMissJudy
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
After my mom died, my dreams of her were extremely vivid for quite a while. It sucks, but it just takes time. Your subconscious is still working it out and you can’t rush it.
Diana Vilibert
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 01:26 pm: [report]
I’m having the same exact issue right now—split from my bf last month, and since then have either had insomnia, tossed and turned all night, or wake up in the middle of the night from one of those whimpery/crying dreams. I wasted enough of my waking time on him—is it too much to ask that I can spend a few hours sleeping and NOT thinking about him?
Amelia
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]
@HumbleBee Oh I drink wine to quench my thirst
vanya
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 01:50 pm: [report]
It’s only happened to me twice, but those two times I’ve been plagued with dreams of an ex, they haven’t gone away until I’ve slept with someone else. Both times they went away, and didn’t return. I guess there really are times when you can’t get over someone until you get under someone else.
Lynn
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 02:09 pm: [report]
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Dreams can really shake you, even when you know they aren’t real and even when you know it doesn’t necessarily mean you want him back. Is it too much to ask that we just remain unaware of what happens in our brains during our unconscious hours? Apparently so.
yarngasm
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 02:32 pm: [report]
About 3 weeks after my trainwreck of a breakup, I dreamed that my ex was driving me somewhere, then had a heart attack. Even though we weren’t a couple in my dream, I tried to help him. Then I realized that it wasn’t worth trying to help him if he wasn’t going to help me. I woke up before he died, but I saw him in a lot of pain and got some sick satisfaction from it. Not that I’d do that in real life, but it was kind of cathartic in my dream.
Here’s to livin’ fine in 2009. No more phantom exes here, either. Onto bigger and better things.
AJ
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 02:57 pm: [report]
Oddly enough, I’ve started having dreams about my ex recently. Several times in the past month. Some sweet, some sexy, and some just random.
We’ve been broken up for a year and I’m in a nice, stable relationship now with someone else.
WTF, right?
Dreams have an inevitable way of betraying our true thoughts and feelings, regardless of the facade we put up.
Alison Wonderland
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]
I still have dreams about an ex I broke up with 3 years ago. I didn’t really have the ‘what happened’ dreams but now I find that in these recent dreams I am with my ex-boyfriend, usually at his house when suddenly, and overwhelmingly I realize I have absolutely no desire to be there. From then on the dream consists of my trying to sneak away (but not in an I’m trapped, creepy sort of way) without him noticing or having to explain why I’m leaving. Since the explaination would be, “Because I just remembered, I can’t stand you”.
hawaiianpeach
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 04:20 pm: [report]
Try watching ridiculously cheesy porn before bed and read some old emails/letters from older boyfriends. Works like a charm bracelet, love.
Daphne
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 04:58 pm: [report]
Oh Amelia .. I wish I could say it gets better with age. Sadly, I am sitting here at 43 right where you are. And this is the first time I have had drama dreams like this since I was in college! So .. I am mixing him in with dreams of finding myself one credit short for graduation! Not very restful!
But regardless, I think you are exactly right. These dreams are all about asking questions and trying to figure out what the hell went wrong. That and realizing .. in my case .. that I really have no idea who he turned into and why I never saw this coming.
Good wishes to you, my dear. Hoping you heal soon!
effnancy
wrote on January 7 2009 @ 11:11 pm: [report]
It’s been five years since I broke up with the bf (that I was convinced was “the one”). A few months after we broke up, I would have dreams about us during happier times. As time went on, his face would be obscured but I knew it was him I was dreaming of. I thought I was over him completely (no dreams for the last couple of years!) then poof! Just last week, he appeared in my dreams two nights in a row. No idea why…
Chelle
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 07:55 am: [report]
The dreams you are having are telling you that you need closure. If at all possible, you should try to contact him and say that you would like to sit down and talk about what happened. Just be straight up and say you just need closure. Try not to argue with him though, just listen. My ex did that with me and even though I thought it was strange, it was a good idea. The process might be a bit painful but it will help you to release those emotions. You’ll feel so much better afterwards. That is, if he’s willing to do it.
d8ergirl
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
Ugh! I feel your pain. I was dating a guy who I was completely in love with and had a dream that he was going to dump me. The next morning I woke up disoriented and upset, and what do you know, he broke up with me that night. It turns out he had been cheating on me, and I think my brain had figured it out, but I wasn’t ready to realize it. I hope you meet the man of your dreams, instead of having that man in your dreams. Good luck in 2009!
dirtyboots
wrote on January 9 2009 @ 10:02 am: [report]
I tend to think dreams can be a way of working through things, so you know, as flaky as it sounds try visualizing what you want to dream about when you are getting ready to sleep. It has helped me before. Maybe a Ryan Gosling photo-collage on your night stand would help too!
jannatu
wrote on January 10 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
seriously. boyfriend (i’m still not over him in waking life either though, so i guess these dreams are pretty obvious in their meaning) who dumped me 2 and a half months ago has appeared in my dreams twice in a row now. and last night was one of the most vivid dreams i ever had, in which we got back together and then were having an awesome time together. the reality of the dream made it ultra-disappointing when i woke up. goddamn. it’s enough that he’s in my daydreams, so get the (*&%# out of my real dreams too!
momo
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 11:50 am: [report]
I’m going through the same thing right now too. We broke up a month ago and I moved on to someone else who I’m really involved with but I keep having dreams of my ex. It’ll be like a normal dream, and then my ex comes in and starts yelling and screaming at me and it’s just like “why?!” I’ve completely moved on so why am I still having dreams of him