The Breakup Diaries: Five Ideal Rebounds

I am almost—oh hell, really—ready for my first post-heartbreaking split rebound. Some are surprised I’ve ever waited this long, but, frankly, I’m nervous about even kissing someone new, let alone, um, other stuff. Vaguely excited though too—I was, after all, going to go the rest of my life only being with the same person (which was fine by me!) but there is something oh so thrilling about the unknown. That said, unless you have a heart made of pure steel, the rebound requires much caution—the last thing you want is to A) end up falling in love so soon again, B) have someone fall in love with you, or C) cause further life drama. After the jump, five of the safest—but still exciting!—rebound types…

1. The Celebrity: You can laugh at the impossibility of this, but living in New York or Los Angeles, it’s actually not that crazy that an attractive lady could score one night of pure bliss with an actor or musician. That said, if you don’t live in either of these cities, you could still bang someone famous on a more local level. The appeal of the celebrity rebound is that, unless you are crazy, you’ll never develop interest in seeing it going any further than a one night stand, you’ll have a story that you can tell even the grandkids, and nothing will make your ex fell lower than the knowledge that you schtupped a guy way hotter, richer, and more recognizable than him. However, this does not apply if the celebrity is heinous, D-list, or has an STD. Ryan Gosling? Yes! Carrot Top? No.

2. The Much Younger Guy: I’m pushing 30, so while a 22-year-old who decorates his apartment from the sale bin at Urban Outfitters may be a hot piece to have a fling with, boyfriend material he is not. Rebounding with a guy for whom the “grunge” look is new, rather than retro, will make you feel sexy, in charge, and powerful. Of course, unless he’s a trust fund baby, you don’t actually want to date this kid, because rebounds should never, ever evolve into Sugar Momma territory.

3. The Foreigner: Remember when I was still engaged and I confessed to having a secret crush/affair with the hot Irish guy who was spending the summer as a doorman in my apartment building? Oh, I am so sad he’s gone back to Ireland! He would have been perfect flirting material—fresh off the boat, filled with big dreams about America, a sexy accent, and a return ticket home. That means no commitment, a desire to have an adventure, dirty talk in a foreign language, and a place to stay the next time you go for a European jaunt. Best options for finding this type of rebound? Frequent Irish bars, loiter outside youth hostels, keep your ears open for words you don’t understand, and your eyes peeled for guys in skinny jeans.

4. The Guy Friend: As Dr. V cautioned last week, this rebound is tricky to accomplish, but well worth it if done right. For starters, if you’re going to bone someone you consider a pal, you’ve got to be sure you’d never, ever consider them boyfriend material. Rebounds very rarely develop into relationships, so if you have a guy friend who you’ve held a candle for, don’t waste your rebound days on him—he’s better kept on the back burner until you’re ready for something more substantial. Second, make sure he’s not such a close pal that your on-the-sly humping will make things awkward when you’re hanging out with clothes on. Truly, the best guy friend to hump is the one you see only a few times a year as it is. He’s your buddy, but he’s not your bestie. The good news is that the guy friend rebound will be sensitive to your needs—physically and emotionally.

5. The Rerun: If you’d really, really would rather not add to the notches on your bedpost unless it’s something somewhat long term, consider calling up someone you’ve already done. It’s familiar, you know the sex is good, and you don’t have to deal with the whole song and dance to get what you want. My problem with this one is that every notch on my bedpost is either A) taken now, B) regrettable, or C) lives in another city.

BONUS POINTS: If you manage to hit a few of these categories at once, good for you! For example, if I managed to finagle a night in the sack with Robert Pattinson, I’d be hitting categories 1 (he’s famous), 2 (he’s 22), and 3 (he’s British)!