The Breakup Diaries: Embracing The Grace Period
Posted by: Leigh Raines | Filed in: Relationships
3:00PM, Thursday November 06th 2008
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There are many post breakup stages that a person can feel—anger, sadness, resentment, hatred, insecurity, just to name a few. However, at some point, one of your bolder friends will make that typical fast fix suggestion that “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” Do I agree with this? Ehh. For some, a rebound only makes the split hurt more. I would suggest starting with a little flirting, maybe some kissing, and take it from there. But one thing I do believe in is “The Grace Period.”
Breakups can be intense. They can take a toll on your mental psyche and emotional health. A whirlwind of feelings can break you down and the constant up and down of your mood levels can leave you exhausted. You need time to recover. How can one jump into a new relationship when they aren’t fully healed from the old one? Give yourself time to let all of that emotional baggage clear out. My parents always tell me to make something more important than my relationships with guys or just with friends.
My suggestions: Find a project you’re passionate about. Start going to the gym. Join a class. Read a new book. Catch up with friends you haven’t seen in awhile. Do something with your family. Get into a routine that’s about you. It’s okay to be selfish for a little while as you get back on your feet. Being a little selfish and self-sufficient seems to be underrated these days. Entertain having a crush and keep yourself open to flirting with new people, but don’t think you need to jump into something else just to feel secure again. You’re the only person who can really ensure your security.
Now I know some people are probably thinking “This is such typical advice! What do you know?” and they want to just lay on their couch watching “True Blood” re-runs while they dive into some Kraft mac ‘n’ cheese. That’s fine for a little while, but it’s not going to make you feel that much better in the long run. Take it from somebody who really doesn’t like to be alone. Embrace “The Grace Period” and you’ll find a little peace of mind. It’s a fact that when you’re at peace and happy with yourself, you are more attractive to others. And that is when it’s time to get back in the game.
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par3
[report]wrote on November 06 2008 @ 04:05 pm:
i think the worst part is having to obsess whether the other person has already moved on to the next thing- that’s a killer. it’s not good to be the one to move on first (you’re an ass), neither for them to do it before you
(ouch) so it’s like f’d if you do f’d if you don’t. you just gotta deal with the pain and do your thing but be humble/discreet about it and don’t use it as a tool for revenge/proving something.
Texas24
[report]wrote on November 06 2008 @ 04:06 pm:
Well, of course it depends how long you were with someone. If you just came out of a long relationship, then it’s only healthy to take some time off, even if that other person was mentally or physically abusive. With long-relationships, you need to heal before you move onto someone else. Short term relationships are a different story. When you get rejected or someone suddenly stops calling you and you’re hurt, the best thing you can do is go out with your friends or start dating a new guy.
Either way, being single for a long period of time can lead to sadness and insecurity and lots of “remembering” past relationships...sometimes you need someone else to form new memories with and you will finally move on.
Rebecca
[report]wrote on November 06 2008 @ 04:42 pm:
It seems to me that many of the people around here cannot stand to be alone for any amount of time, and that’s just not ok. You need to know yourself before you can ever truly give yourself to someone else. Every relationship changes you, and you need to take time to figure you out before you move onto the next one.
Seriously, if you can’t stand to be alone with yourself for any length of time, you may want to start asking around for a good therapist.
Amelia
[report]wrote on November 06 2008 @ 04:46 pm:
@Rebecca “many of the people around here”? To whom are you referring? Most of us are single and pretty stoked about it. The only one who isn’t is me, because I was supposed to get married and got kind of railroaded by my breakup. But before my last relationship, I was alone for years and years and year and quite happy with it.
Perceptible
[report]wrote on November 06 2008 @ 04:54 pm:
I’ve always had a relationship half-life theory. The length of time it takes to be truly, fully over a relationship is equal to half the time you were together. I was married for 9 years, and right about at the 4 year mark was when I really started feeling good about my future and happy with myself and my single situation. I was truly okay with the possibility of being single for the rest of my life (no one really believes me but it’s true). Of course, I met someone at the 4 1/2 year mark, but I was in a really good place to let that happen. (1 1/2 years in to that relationship now and very happy.)
Rebecca
[report]wrote on November 06 2008 @ 05:08 pm:
@Amelia,
I don’t know, but it feels as though most of the time i’m reading about women hopping from one relationship to the next, and i just don’t get it. I have no problem if that’s what you want to do, but if a person can’t spend time alone then that’s not healthy. Just my opinion.
By the way, i didn’t know you were for sure single. I thought you guys were still kinda sorting it out.
Amelia
[report]wrote on November 06 2008 @ 05:18 pm:
@Rebecca Oh I totally agree with you. Frankly, I loved being alone. I only preferred being with one other person.
I still am not sure where you’re getting idea that most of our material conveys some sort of relationship-to-relationship advice.
Katia
[report]wrote on November 07 2008 @ 02:43 am:
It’s been a month and for the most part, I’m doing well and have no problems being by myself. But what I am having a difficult time with is moving on when I don’t know why things fell apart. We were close friends for 4 years and then things suddenly turned romantic. Afterwards, it was like he turned into a different person, a stranger, and began saying the most hurtful things to me. He knew every button to push to humiliate me. I don’t know where any of this came from or why. I can be objective about myself and my behavior, but in this case I can honestly say I didn’t do anything to provoke him. It was like he had some kind of emotional shut down and he stopped all communication when I tried to discuss with him how badly he hurt me. I never heard from him again. Not only did I lose a potential lover, but I lost a dear friend, which is the most painful of all and still, I don’t know why it happened. So how do you find a sense of grace, a sense of closure when you have such a big void and so many unanswered questions?
BecomingMyself
[report]wrote on November 07 2008 @ 11:23 am:
@Katia,
The most important thing to realize is that he is very, very flawed and that this is no reflection upon you. When he was “just” your friend, he could show you only his positive points. Once he became your lover, he could no longer hide his internal anger. That’s for him to deal with (and he probably won’t), and for you to let go of.
I just bought the book “Why Does He Do That; inside the minds of angry and controlling men”. Haven’t started reading it yet but it may be helpful. Good Luck, spend time with old friends and find yourself again.
miss dee
[report]wrote on November 07 2008 @ 11:41 pm:
I think you’re right. You’re absolutely right.
Tomorrow, I’m going to do some work as a favour to my officemate, and then I’m going to go sign up for yoga classes and then go out for a drink with one of my best friends. We just have to keep moving on, you know?
Katia
[report]wrote on November 08 2008 @ 12:20 am:
Thank you “BecomingMyself”. I think you are absolutely right. You’ve given me some ideas to consider.
I try to learn something from every life experience, good and bad. I’ve really discovered what great and caring friends I have as well as that I have to look after myself and my needs. When someone mistreats you, you have to take a stand, let them go and move on with your life. I’m really proud that I never compromised myself and was not a doormat.
Chris
[report]wrote on November 08 2008 @ 06:33 am:
My theory, and this works:
Go out with your best, coolest female friends, get them to bring lots of friends along, shoot the shit with them all night, get drunk with them, pass out with them even, but DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THEM. It can be done, and it restores your faith in women as funny, cool, unselfconscious friends instead of “that vindictive, manipulative, insecure b**tch.”
The grace period is essential, but it should be spent having platonic good times.
John
[report]wrote on November 10 2008 @ 02:15 am:
Or in other words: how to rationalize a series of empty relationships as “growth” experiences.
If you have a plan for how to handle “breakups,” you have no business being in a relationship in the first place. Just sleep around.
And it’s “lie” on their couch.