The Breakup Diaries: Damn The Distrust!
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
12:30PM, Monday November 3rd 2008
I’ve come to the conclusion that the absolute worst part of going through a breakup is that one of the common reactions is insane distrust—distrust of yourself, the person you were with, and of the relationship’s meaning. This is something I’ve been struggling with throughout my break/breakup/“separation” from my fiance, which has officially gone on for seven weeks exactly. Unfortunately, I may be aware that I’m filled with doubt, but I haven’t quite figured out how to stop doing it. After the jump, about 10,000 questions totally plaguing me.
DISTRUSTING HIM: Because I was caught so off-guard by our sudden “break”—he told me yesterday he considered it a “separation”, not a breakup, at least, not until I decided it was—I was left wondering what else I didn’t realize or know about him. I was always pretty trusting, but clearly he wasn’t telling me everything. What else didn’t he tell me over those nearly five years? Throw in a pretty active imagination and you have a recipe for disaster—I envisioned all sorts of disastrous scenarios that made no sense for the man I knew, but I also felt like I didn’t necessarily know him as well as I thought. Did he have a secret lover? Did he cheat on me even just once and impregnate someone else? Did he secretly think I was an awful shrew? Was he actually just a complete bastard and I didn’t know it? What if he was an ax murderer?!
The times I talked to him, I felt myself over-analyzing his words and his tone, looking for any sign that he was totally schizophrenic and I had never noticed. I also got a little sneaky, I’m ashamed to admit, desperate to know what puzzle pieces I might be missing. I obsessed over the fact that he might be schtupping someone else, planning on running off to some foreign country to marry her instead of me. That even if he didn’t, he would meet someone else and I would pale in comparison.
DISTRUSTING YOURSELF: If any of the above were true, how could I have been so utterly stupid and blind? How could I have missed any signs? How could I have trusted him and believed in him and been so stupid as to believe he wanted the same things? If I didn’t see the break coming, what might I not be seeing now? My instinct was off before—should I not trust it now? Or did I ignore my instinct all along? Most of all, with the distrust of your own instincts comes the realization that you have to learn to trust them again. If things are completely over, if I meet someone new ever again, I know I’m going to have to choose to trust them. But fool me once, shame on you, fool we twice, shame on me. Will I be fooled again?
DISTRUSTING THE RELATIONSHIP’S MEANING: I thought we had the stuff that lasts forever. Now that is totally up in the air. Was I wrong? Did the relationship last longer than it should have? Was I the only one in it for life, while he wasn’t, and therefore it was unbalanced and not nearly as happy as I thought? I worry he will look back on it and see it as just another monogamous period in his life with some random girl that he mistakenly almost made his wife; or that I’ll look back on it the same way. I worry that either of us will see it as a waste. I know, in theory, that nothing is ever wasted, especially if you learn something, but when you want something to be so much more than a learning experience, how can you be anything other than disappointed when it’s JUST that?
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Simosa
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
All of this is ego and ego is what keeps us in relationships longer than is good for us. Ego is what keeps us hanging on even when it’s over. Ego is what makes us want them pining after us for the rest of our lives and looking back on it as the best time in their lives. But, wanting all of that keeps us living in the past. Easier said than done for sure but what if he looks back at it as a waste? That’s his to deal with. Decide for yourself the meaning of this relationship…decide for yourself without taking his perspective into consideratioin. Set your standards and live by them. If he has character flaws…those will be his to live with….leave them with him. It’s time for a new love adventure. Every trip is different and we always take things from the old and carry them into the new. Undoubtedly if you were robbed on your last adventure then you’ll watch your pocketbook more closely next time. Just don’t let it it keep you from traveling again.
Kasi
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
Amen to all this. I would add, though, the questions of wondering what to do with all the lost soul-mate feelings. Like, I’ve never really believed that there is just The One out there, yet at the same time it’s so hard to fathom that our connection wasn’t somehow truly different or special or unique. My Ex broke up with me and crushed my heart, and yet I can’t shake the feeling that I somehow have this duty (and desire, of course) to view and protect (to myself) our relationship as sacrosanct. It’s maddening, especially when (as in our case) he didn’t do it to date anyone else and hasn’t moved on and insists he was happy in the relationship, but was afraid to commit to marriage.
Kiki T
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 12:54 pm: [report]
I feel for you, because I have SOOOO been there before. It sucks to have to question yourself, others and everything… but it’s one day at a time from here on out and there is no other way to do it. I wish there was and if you do figure it out, hit me up and let me know because it’s rough out here!
Wendy
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 01:44 pm: [report]
I was in something similar to your situation. I was with my fiance for almost 8 years. He proposed to me in Oct 2007. We are set to marry in March 2009. I dont know what happened to him but also out of the blue in August he decided our relationship meant nothing stating he felt we were rushing things, even though we have a 6 year old daughter and we have been together since i was 14, (yes, i had my daughter at 15 in case you were wondering). It came as a total surprise to me. Reading your articles has kept my spirits high hoping we could fix our problems.Fortunately i had my daughter keeping me busy. I am happy to say the wedding is back on. After hours and months of talking wondering what went wrong, he finally decided it was his mixed feelings and cold feet that was overshadowing his love for me and his family. I hope everything works out for you, as it did for me. Good Luck in everything!!!!
Lindsay Goldenberg
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 01:48 pm: [report]
I totally agree with Simosa that it’s an Ego thing…when we’re the one whose been broken up with, we get a “How Dare They!” attitude that really comes from our deepest, darkest place of fearing that they are right to leave us (or at least that’s my analysis of it).
All I can say is this: For all the times I’ve been left, cheated on, or broken hearted…I don’t look back at any of those guys and wish I was still with them. In fact, I feel truly blessed (and I’m not religious) that they let me go.
Instead of mis-trusting yourself or HIM, trust that this is happening/has happened for a reason. However hard that may be.
ClatieK
wrote on November 3 2008 @ 06:52 pm: [report]
Poor ‘Meels… All of these doubts are totally valid. This whole life thing is a big leap of faith. You never know if there’s going to be solid ground when you put your foot down, but march on, sister!
Alex
wrote on November 4 2008 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
I too have been in this situation…and in the long run was glad it didn’t work out. I think that those questions in your mind may not be completely false..I always think where there is smoke there is fire…I dated this guy in college and moved home to my family for a few months…the whole time we were still together..and then when it came time for me to move to the east coast he told me he met someone else. I still ended up moving but didn’t tell him. SO we ran into eachother at a mutual freind’s party and he had moved in with his new girlfreind but want to spend the night with me…yup that’s when I knew it was much better to not be with him..becuase he would have just cheated on me too…
BKjazzed
wrote on November 5 2008 @ 11:03 am: [report]
I’m scratching my head over my own recent break-up, wondering why I didn’t see the signs that things weren’t right, wondering if I will ever be able to see clearly again. I think it’s normal and maybe even productive to be in this introspective state after a break-up. At least, I’m trying to look at it that way. Hopefully, it helps us to get to know ourselves better and improve out instincts for future relationships. Don’t be so hard on yourself, girl!
Elisha
wrote on November 6 2008 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
Amelia, I feel for you. But more than that, I am thankful for your honesty. I admire you for airing out your feelings in public in a frank and meaningful and thoughtful way, allowing the rest of us to realize that we are not alone. The experience of heartbreak really made me feel like I was alone in my destruction. But, of course, its almost a universal experience.
toyen
wrote on November 11 2008 @ 05:22 pm: [report]
I went through a break-up at the same time and have been having all of those same doubts and questions. A book I just started reading (am only a couple of chapters in) that’s been helping a lot (especially when I get the urge to call) is “He’s Scared, She’s Scared.” It’s about commitmentphobia, but also turns the gaze inward as to why we attract men who have problems committing. Good post-breakup reading…