The Breakup Diaries: A Dream Ends In An Epiphany
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Thursday January 15th 2009
Yeah, yeah, I know I said last week’s column was going to be the final Breakup Diaries post, but then something amazing happened and I couldn’t resist an update. Last week I wrote about how, despite having made significant strides in recovering and moving on from my breakup, my ex still was haunting me in my dreams. On almost a nightly basis I was finding myself dreaming about him, begging him for answers—clearly, the thing holding me back from completely moving on was just questions about what got us there in the first place. The unfortunate thing about those dreams was knowing that I may NEVER get the answers I was seeking. I could only hope the dreams would go away sooner rather than later. Which brings me to last night…
I dreamed about him again, but this time the tone was decidedly different. The details are vague, but I remember that I was supposed to meet him out at night and when I got there, it was clear that we were back together—that our breakup was just a mix up, a miscommunication. He had never wanted to break up, I had misunderstood. We were together! Hooray! Everything was back to normal. Only it wasn’t. In the dream I remember feeling panicked and genuinely disappointed that we were back together. The time apart in real life had allowed me to see how the fit between us wasn’t quite right. That I missed him terribly and was happy to see him again, but I didn’t want to BE with him again.
In the dream I felt a weird obligation to let my life go back to the way it was—like I almost didn’t have a choice. At one point I remember noticing things he would do in real life—but exaggerated—and feeling very irritated. Like the things that made him not right for me were suddenly apparent in the dream and that I didn’t have to ignore those things anymore. Like I didn’t have to hold on to that relationship as the end all, be all for me. I woke up this morning and felt a huge weight lifted. My subconscious was confirming what I had been thinking for a little while now. That things worked out the way they were supposed to. I had a wonderful, fun, exciting five years with that man, I was lucky enough to be a part of his family during that time, and I grew so much as a result of our bond and our relationship—but that he wasn’t my partner for life. And that is okay.
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Michelle
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]
You know? After I separated from my daughter’s dad, I kept dreaming of him for months, and each time, his physical presence was less evident, like dreaming an idea of him, until I emailed him, expressing for the first time how much he had hurt me and our daughter with his behavior. Then, same thing happened when my father died, I kept dreaming my father on a daily basis, and we always had something to argue about. But those months of conflicted dreams ended when one evening, I suddenly thought “well, after all, I am finally closer to what I always wanted to be”. My father ceased to appear in my dreams doing those crazy things that scared and freaked me out, like knocking on my window (I lived then in a 4th floor!!) begging me to let him in! That was a stressful period again. And then, the same night my current bf asked me to move in with him, I dreamed both my father and ex! My dad was finally happy, just a witness, and though my ex was silent, his presence made me feel angry. So one morning, after dreaming with him again, I decided to give away all the toys he gave to my child (she hadn’t use them for years anyway) and all but one of the remaining pics I had of the three of us. That certainly cleaned my mind and lifted my spirit, so much so, that I dreamed the following week that I told him I was away and fine, and didn’t need him in my life. I am now in the process of moving my things to our new flat, and getting used to the idea of having a family, and I feel full of hope and plans for the future. But hell, yeah, the mind has a rather stressing way of bringing to the front things that are hidden deep in its caves and corners.
Michelle
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 11:50 am: [report]
Lol! Since I am so thrilled with my life at the present moment, I forgot what I really wanted to say: congratulations, Amelia, welcome back to the “happy you”!
Lynn
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]
I’ve had that same dream experience! A couple months ago, I saw an ex a couple times. It wasn’t anything big - while cleaning I had found something important of his that apparently got shoved away when we broke up, and we met so I could give it back. It was nice to see him and like, know he’s alive and happy, so then we went out for coffee once after that. He told me that he still loved me and wanted to be with me - and I had absolutely zero interest in getting back together with him.
I know that doesn’t match your story yet.
But a couple days after that all went down, I had a dream about him where he wanted me back, and I felt like it was expected of me to get back with him, and I felt obligated. And I actually spent the whole dream trying to sneak out of the house and get away from him! It was the most bizarre thing. And I was SO relieved when I woke up and realized I didn’t actually have to “escape” him.
Simcha
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 06:25 pm: [report]
Yay! You did it!
prettydarnkim
wrote on January 17 2009 @ 05:53 pm: [report]
This is happy! I remember dreaming of my ex and getting back together but I had that same feeling—something was horribly wrong. Dreams are so cool!
Amelia
wrote on January 17 2009 @ 06:06 pm: [report]
@prettydarnkim It’s really crazy how dreams can be totally bizarre and out there, and then other times they can be so so so revealing of what your subconscious is feeling and thinking.
megpants
wrote on January 25 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]
congratulations on finding some closure. it takes guts to do that! my ex moved out over the summer, but it’s only been a couple months since it finally started to become clear to both of us (clearer to him than to me, unfortunately) that it’s time to stop holding out hope that we’ll fix things. i can’t wait to get to where you are… but i have hope i’ll get there eventually! there’s something so reassuring when going through a horrible breakup about being reminded that so many of us go through this exact experience, and emerge on the other side often for the better. ughhh!