Don’t Do It: Dating A Guy With Children
Posted by: Annika Harris
Filed in:
relationships, video
12:00PM, Monday January 5th 2009
If you’re a 20- to 35-year-old woman without any children I caution you against dating a man with kids. I did this once and, let me tell you, I learned my lesson. I dated The Cop off-and-on for about six years and I have to admit that love kept me from realizing just how big a problem his children were in our relationship. Recently, he and I made plans to have a friendly, totally platonic drink to celebrate my promotion. He canceled the day of because his youngest daughter had hit her head and he’d spent the previous night in the emergency room. I totally understood why he had to cancel, but the situation also reminded me why he and I could never work and why I will never date a man with children again.
The Cop has two daughters and a demanding job, obviously. His youngest daughter was extremely sickly or maybe just accident-prone. It was difficult for us to make plans because we had different schedules, and, to make matters worse, his daughter would get sick (or whatever) when we had plans. The girls’ mother also had a demanding job, so she never seemed available to deal with her own children.
So this brings me to my first point: If you date a man with children, you can never expect to come first. I’m a rational person, so I realize that a man’s children should and will come first. But this creates a conflict because a woman wants to feel secure and wanted in a relationship, but if she demands greater importance than his children, then she comes off as an insensitive bitch.
Another big issue in this type of relationship is baby mama drama. Most men try to avoid conflict with the women in their lives at all costs, so it’s a pretty safe bet that he will go along with whatever ridiculousness his children’s mother puts him through. I think it was much more than a coincidence that The Cop’s ex was never available to pick up their daughters early from school or take them to doctor appointments. Also, the father will always be connected to the mother, and she has the perfect excuse to intrude on his life whenever she wants to, like calling at all hours of the night.
I’ve not only dated a man with children, but I’m also the child of a divorced man. My dad started living with my stepmother when I was really young and as I grew older I started resenting their relationship. I viewed her as the evil woman that took my father away from me and my mom. If you date a man with kids, then you will inevitably be deemed the hated stepmother. You’re too young and cute for this title, and no one needs a complication like this in a relationship.
There is, however, a rare chance that his children love you, but you just don’t see a future with him. Now the breakup is even more difficult because there’s a third party involved. You have no rights to visitation and it’s unfair to put a child through more separation anxiety.
Obviously, there are exceptions to this rule of not dating a man with children, but before you embark on a tumultuous relationship like this, you should heed my warning and save yourself a headache and heartache.
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HusbandTribe
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]
I was a single dad who dated all kinds of women, including the selfish “me first” and the fake “I luv kids too” types. But men, especially single dads, want to be with a real woman, not another spoiled child. I always protected my son from any woman until I knew that she was genuine. I was lucky enough to meet and marry the most amazing woman after a miraculous meeting, ridiculously romantic courtship and a fairly tale wedding… Sure we have issues with life, including my son’s mother, but that’s life. It’s always either one issue or another, nobody can escape that. But having the perfect person (for me) by my side makes every situation, no matter how difficult, much more manageable. We still have the fairy tale… but neither one of us would have achieved this level of happiness if she discriminated against single dad’s. True, it was not an attribute that she sought, but it was also not an automatic deal breaker. She judged me on me. My son was just part of the package, as she says.
What this post also forgets to mention is that your boyfriend of today may be your husband of tomorrow. And its nice to know in advance what kind of a father he will be to your children and what kind of a husband he will be to you. How good of a father a man is could also be the greatest indicator of a man’s true character… if such a thing is important to you, of course.
eatmybook
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]
Wow. Also totally right, and the reasons are the same for not dating a woman with children.
I just broke up with my boyfriend because he complained constantly about my child. He was wrong and out of line, but entitled to his opinion. I gave him several opportunities to back off the child-rearing advice, which he would take for a little while and then just start in on my child again. I was always in the middle, but leaning towards my child.
It’s sad but true. You are always a parent first and a woman/man second, it just has to be that way. The only way around this is to date a someone who also has children, and then everyone’s expectations slacken a little bit.
Or ... keep the dating on a level so casual that the two never coincide. This only works for a little while—but really? It’s the best.
eatmybook
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 01:36 pm: [report]
Husbandtribe? You give me hope ...
nicefrenchgurl
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 02:08 pm: [report]
well i agree on the kids’ mother bitching point. and as i mentioned in an earlier post, i had to break up with my dream man last year for the very same reason. no wonder those men just ran away from their wives.
i have several pets, and it is the same problem with men who don’t understand what a responsability it is to care for a sick old dog or have to rush to the vet’s.
btw, would u mind writing an article about dating and pets? im sure plenty of your readers have some funny experiences to share.
Little Lamb
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 07:08 pm: [report]
As a single mother, I look forward to my daughter coming home from a weekend with her dad (her dad and I have a civil relationship at best), and telling me about the girlfriend that she met. There have been a few different girlfriends, and I have not met any of them. It is just nice to know that my daughter is getting a little bit of girl time. Yes, there have been times when she has been upset that one girlfriend is gone, but losing people is life. People die, people move away, people just go different ways. I think it’s very much okay to have it happen now when she’s still young enough to REALLY talk to me about it…give her eight more years (she’s eight now), and she’ll be dealing with these things via myspace with her friends.
To eatmybook: I have been dating my boyfriend for about 10 months now, and I cannot imagine what it would be like to feel like I had to take sides. If anything, my boyfriend encourages way to much bad behavior (silly stuff-belches, farts, just plain orneriness). But when it comes to serious stuff, I started consulting him right away, and it eased the transition to shared control. It worked for me anyway…but I found a good one!!!
crmsnkatt
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 09:14 am: [report]
It’s true that you’re a parent first, then a woman/man. I’m a single mother to a wonderful 3 year old little girl.
If I think the man I’m dating is worthy of meeting my daughter, they have to pass the Time Test… 6 months of dating before ever even THINKING about meeting my baby. I don’t want to parade people in & out of her life and make her even more scared that everyone leaves (I was in the Navy for 6 years, and my only deployment after her birth was especially hard).
My current boyfriend didn’t have to pass the Time Test. He already knew my daughter, as he’s a friend of the family. So yes, I have it easy in that there’s a previous relationship there and she already knows, loves, & respects him.
My daughter’s father is in the military, and not really in the picture beyond paying child support, so I don’t have Baby Daddy Drama following me. I also know that not everyone is in the situation that I’m in.
Believe me, I’ve seen enough Baby Mama/Daddy Drama in my lifetime, being a child of divorce, myself (although I get along wonderfully with both my step-mom AND my step-dad). But to completely exclude dating single parents because of the fact that they have a kid is unfair.
og217
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]
I married a man who has children, but neither one of us expected his children to come first, and they don’t. I don’t think that it’s a fair expectation - what woman would be interested? Only those who feel and probably are second-tier, come with their own children, or have a ton of other issues and hope that if they accept less than, that at least they will have a man. I’m sorry if this is “unfair” to the children, but that is really a) life and b) not my issue. Just because I am older doesn’t mean that I should be the one who is stuck with the “unfair.” When they grow up, their dad will not be their #1 priority. Who will take care of him, love him, keep him company, listen to his dreams? That’s what a partner does, and to place them second is unfair. People get their knickers all would up but my husband is a good father, he meets all his obligations and then some, and if these children were ours, everyone would go, “Aaaw! Look how much he loves his wife, isn’t that sweet? Even children haven’t dimmed their love, sniffle sniffle, how beautiful!” It would be wonderful then, but because these children are not from a woman he loves but from someone he dislikes, he’s supposed to place them above the love of his life? I don’t think that makes sense. We live in a very child-centric world, if someone dares to say that children are not the crux of the universe and that their needs and wants do not always take priority, the mommy brigades will slaughter them. But this wasn’t always so in society, and it still isn’t so for lots of people. Obviously if my husband felt differently, we never would have dated. He is really happy, and we are incredibly happily married, and I don’t see why it is viewed as somehow inappropraite that after a miserable decade he gets to do what he wants, follow his heart and to be happy.
stalwart1
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
Who needs to “come first” with their partner 24/7? I’ve been dating my sweetheart for six months. He has two children, and it does mean that he’s not always “at home.” But if he didn’t have his sons, I’d still understand if he had a personal emergency, chronically sick relative, etc.
I’m not one of those “Let’s be joined at the hip forever, darling” types. So I’d be careful advising -all- women to avoid men with children. That presumes that everyone wants the kind of relationship you find ideal.
SingleDad61
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 03:45 pm: [report]
Well just bury me with my deceased wife then because of no fault of my own I ended up a single father with 2 beautiful loving children and 1 step-child. One of those children 2 months after losing her mother was diagnosed with terminal brain tumors and is surviving. I guess I am glad that my life does not follow your idea of my life. I have a beautiful loving fiance with a child and my children love her and we take our time to be alone, we take our time to have adult times seperate from kids time and any emergency that breaks plans is an emergency and thats it. It happens.
Alison Wonderland
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]
Anika did you watch the episode of S&TC;last night where Miranda dates the single Dad and slams the door in his sons face before he catches her peeing, or is this just coincidental?
Alison Wonderland
wrote on January 8 2009 @ 04:19 pm: [report]
Ah damn. Totally overlooked the post date. Fail.
menotu
wrote on February 10 2009 @ 11:03 pm: [report]
Wow, I’m totally going through this right now. I actually met his child first, the child was being babysat by the friend (the same1 who introduced the dad and I) I didn’t care for the child then. The child was bratty, but I blamed it on the child’s young age. A few weeks later I met the dad; at the time I didn’t know he was the child’s father however I did know he had a child. After dating for a few weeks and really connecting I found out that the child I didn’t care for was his and the he raises the child full time. I have always treated the child wonderful sometimes even going overboard and I even started to like the child some even though the refuses to like me (the child want it’s mom and dad back together and blames me for them not) . Nevertheless, it’s been hard to deal with how demanding his child is; sometimes it feels as though the child plots out how to spoil the dads and my plans because the child succeeds 90% of the time. I know and understand that the child comes first but I need my time to. Did I mention that I am in my early 20’s and he’s in his early 30’s. So, I still wanna have fun but between working around the clock and raising a child he’s whipped. His relationship has been so hard for the past year and half I’ve been battling within myself if my love for the dad is worth the headache of the child. I know that in the future I will not date some1 with child and I agree with the author NEVER date a man with child especially if you are young. In the end it is truly up to the individual if relationship is worth dealing with the issues that arise when a child is involved.
Gingee
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 10:20 pm: [report]
I married a father, and it was the happiest time of my life. Met their dad, then met his kids, who were almost as wonderful as their father was, they like dme, I liked them, and we became a family.
Never pretended to be their mother, more like good buddies, and it was a happy package.
Cheers.
Brianna886
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 10:07 pm: [report]
I remember reading this post about amonth ago and so glad I kept this in mind.
I agree with this topic entirely. Do be cautioned. My relationship was early only about a month or two and even in that month all the red flagz were there.
I’m 21 and learned my lesson as well, i dont have time or patience for the mind games these men try to play. I said I would never date a male with kids and after giving life the benfit of the doubt i see why.
Don’t let them fool you these men are just as selfish if not more, and are ready to pull every excuse out of the hat, to the childrens mother, to the children themselves.
Money and providing means nothing when you have the mind of a child yourself. I’m so happy I got rid of this guy. Single unattached ladies you will sleep better at night.
I got the impression these men become desperate serial daters. Ready to have sex or a connection with anything attractive that walks or breaths. And willing to take anything and anyone down misery lane with them.
I’m good on that.
Thank you.
I appreciated this post.
lawyrgrl
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 10:49 pm: [report]
I am working very hard on my relationship with a father of 3. I loved him when we were dating 20 years ago and kept loving him the entire time we were apart because he had to marry a “wife and mother” type that he thought I could never be. Flash forward 18 years later and she was not the loving “earth mother he had thought. We have been back together for 2 years now and he is still dancing to her tune on a nearly daily basis. She calls the shots and he just deals because “that is the only way to deal with her.” She is 50 years old but I really think someone needs to give her a good spanking. And not the fun kind!
Only one of the children will even meet me. She is wonderful and we get along very well. The other 2 refuse to even consider it and he wants to wait for them - at 13 and 10 - to decide on their own when it it is time. They will not even come to the house when I am not there because my things are around. The see him only when they “feel like it.” Apparently she has raised them to believe that they never have to do anything they don’t want to and that is simply that. He says that he doesn’t blame me for missing the time with them but I worry that he will in the long run because unless HE does something to change the situation, it simply is not going to change.
I love him with all my heart and I plan to stick it out. I waited too long to be with him to give up. However, if the unthinkable/unimaginable happens, I will NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS be with another man with children!
melat
wrote on October 11 2009 @ 08:14 pm: [report]
I’m currently dating a single dad, or shall I say on the verge of a breakup. I’ve been dating a single father who from the beginning until now has been a wonderful man. I fell in love with him after recognizing his devotion to his daughter whom he goes to visit every other weekend. When we first met, he was open about his relationship with his ex wife and the ex-mother in law. I thought it was nice and civil but was disturbed by (what seemed to me) unusual weekend visits where he spends nights at his old house where the ex-wife continues to live.
Being a good listener that he is, he minimized the weekend stays, and started driving two hours to pick up daughter and drive back (totaling four). I felt guilty but the thought of him sleeping in the same house with the ex was too much for me to handle. Although he has convinced me that they are good friends, I continued to find it unusual that he goes to her for advice. Even though we have been dating for 4~5 months, I would have liked for him to confide in me. Overtime I sensed that he has not let go of his wife, and thought that I should end the relationship. Love being stronger than ever, it was a hard break up and we got back together. During the attempt to break up, I had explained to him that I felt that his obligation should only go to his child and not the mother, hence why he should possibly minimize his communication with the ex (unless it has to do with his child).
Although he says he is trying and needs time, I feel that his “special” friendship with the ex-wife is too much for me to handle. I already feel that I’m sacrificing a lot as I am in my late 20ties and dating a man older and with a child. Am I over reacting?
Bratislava
wrote on October 18 2009 @ 09:59 am: [report]
I agree with the author about never dating a guy with kids. The moment you learn that he (or she) has children, sprint the other way. Don’t even have coffee with him or have “casual” sex in case he turns out to be a good conversationalist or great in bed.
Men (and women) who have children DEFINITELY have baggage—- why do you think they’ve got no partners? It’s bad enough that they made bad choices in choosing their mates, but to also bring another life into the equation?! Yeeesh.
Guys and gals, stay away from them who have kids. You’ve got better things to do in your life.
Skinsy
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]
og217, thank you for your comment—it was so insightful and I was majorly comforted by it. I think your message is pretty much what my boyfriend has been trying to get through my skull, whereas I’ve not been hearing it. I grew up in a single parent household and grew accustomed to believing that my mom belonged to us and therefore had to place us first. She reinforced this idea by claiming that she did this even while consistently not doing that at all, just making things bitter for all. Naturally I carried this view with me without ever examining it.
You’re right. A partner shouldn’t feel like less and come second. We’re on an equal and even keel.
Our situations sound similar (my love spent a miserable eleven years in a marriage that deteriorated from the outset). I’m the love of his life, and he is mine and we are happy but I’ve struggled and now I’m seeing that I truly struggled for nothing. His expectation has never been that they come first, although he has explained from the beginning that he loves them dearly and they are his charge, I expect no less. But he’s never asked me to be 2nd. I’ve been in the passenger seat by his side, not in the backseat with his kids.
Again, thanks for posting your comment OG217, I needed to read that.
jesbea
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]
So I am dating a guy for about a year and we pretty much live together except when he has his kids(which is pretty much every Friday night). He has two kids a daughter who is 8 and a son that is 12 and a ex wife. He has been divorced for 3 1/2 years. He is an excellent father and thats one of the things that I feel is one of his best qualities. Im just not sure what to do about our relationship.
Let me first say that I myself am from a divorced family so I can understand how it can be for a child. My parents both had multiple relationships and people coming in and out of my life, and that I definitely believe that children should come first, but when has it gone too far?
When is it an appropriate time to meet his children? He has never introduced anyone to his kids and neither has the ex wife. They made and agreement that unless it was serious they wouldnt introduce anyone. I have met his daughter once and she freaked out and started crying and immediately wanted to go home, so I left. I can understand that it must have been difficult for her.
For awhile he was trying to talk to his children about him having a girlfriend, but he is no longer doing so after an incident a couple of months ago. What happened was his daughter was with her mother and they drove by his house and saw my car in the driveway. His daughter immediately called him and asked him whose car was in the driveway and he said that it was a friends and changed the subject. the daughter returned to the subject and asked what friend and he decided not to lie to her and he said Jessica and she quickly got off the phone with him and was crying and the mother sent him a text that said your daughter is hysterically crying and its all your fault leave us alone. He tried calling her several times and the mother wouldnt answer so needless to say it was a long night. After that incident I can no longer park in the driveway and have to park at the parking lot down the street for his fear of daughter seeing it and getting upset again.
The other incident that bothers me is that on the weekends he goes to all of their sporting events (which I think is a great thing) but which means I have to get up at 8am and go back to my house and stay because his kids may want to stop by and I cant be there so when I leave I have to take all of my belongings with me. This weekend I stayed there while he went to the game, but had to keep my phone on me just in case. Thats the other thing I never know what his schedule is on Sundays so I could see him or maybe not because the ex usually doesnt give him the schedule of the events until last minute.
We have had instances where it is a Saturday night or any other night where we have plans together and his daughter will call and want to stay the night so he will break plans with me and have her over very last minute usually within 5 minutes. The most recent event was last night where we had just ate dinner and it was about 7:30pm and his daughter called asking if she could stay the night because they did not have school the next day and he said oh well its late why dont I pick you up early in the morning and she insisted and got her way so I in my pajamas had to gather all my things in a rush and scurry out the door so he could pick her up. I think its great when she wants to spend time with him and sleep over but there never seems to be a schedule and I am the one who is stuck rushing and changing my plans last minute and being by myself because the plans change so quickly. he knew that I was kind of upset about last night and sent me a text that said everything is ggod I know that we had a quick change in plans last night but my daughter is all excited so than I feel bad for even being upset about last night.
Another time it was Thursday and he was supposed to have them Friday night and he finds out at 8pm that the ex wife has something planned for them on Friday so he gets them Saturday instead when he and I already had plans and I am left by myself again. He never knows when he is going to have them on Holidays I am still waiting to hear what is happening with him on Thanksgiving.
He doesnt have a set schedule with the kids with his ex wife it is just verbal and if she gets mad she will restrict the kids from seeing him so he walks on eggshells around her. He is supposed to be going to court and getting a schedule and honestly if he doesnt go through with getting a schedule I am going to leave him.
I just need to know what I should do. My friends and family say that I should just leave, but I do love him and want to be patient and respectful of his relationship with his kids but on the other hand I dont want to get taken advantage of either.
Bratislava
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 05:00 pm: [report]
I am sorry to hear about your situation. It will be VERY, VERY hard for you to leave him because you love him. But this love you feel so intensely now WILL fade in time if this type of stress continues to weigh on your relationship. Eventually, you will resent him for not honoring YOUR boundaries and needs and he will resent you for not being “understanding” enough. Count your blessings you are not living together yet. You deserve a better life for yourself - walk away. All the best!