The 5 Creepiest Sex Toys Ever Made

Posted by: Phil Dotree Filed in: sex
8:30AM, Tuesday November 24th 2009

Comments (38)

The stereotype out there is that women who buy and use sex toys are sexually free, independent-minded souls, while men who buy sex toys shouldn’t be living anywhere near a church or school. Hey, sex is sex—no big deal. Nobody should be shamed for a sex fetish, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

However, that doesn’t stop the world from thinking that certain avenues of the sexual road map are, well, creepy.

Here’s a look at a few of the creepiest sex toys on the internet, and why they’re so disturbing.

5. Hello Kitty Vibrator (Babeland.com): This was actually already covered in The Frisky’s list of the “cutest sex toys.” Just because something’s cute, though, doesn’t mean it’s not insanely creepy. When you start to base your sex toys off of cartoons, well, at a certain point things get disturbing. And that point is precisely when a vibrator resembles a small cartoon kitten.

But maybe I’m overreacting. It’s not like the makers of the Hello Kitty vibrator are actively promoting the creepy innocence that this little vibrator exudes.

Creepiest Line From Product Description: “It’s finally back, and in three colors to boot, so pick up one (or three) if you’re looking for the perfect first-timer…” Oh, come on! Why even use the words “first timer” when referring to a cartoon dildo?

4. The Vamp Dildo (EdenFantasies.com): This dildo is pale, like a vampire’s penis. It also sparkles. You know, like a vampire’s penis.

Since the “Twilight” books and movies are the only vampire series to portray vampires as “sparkling” (thereby officially making vampires into gay guys at a Cure concert, only not as terrifying), I’m forced to assume that this is a dildo intended for “Twilight” fans. You know, teenage girls.

And, given the vampire cast from the movie, I’m also forced to assume that you’re supposed to use this dildo while thinking about what’s basically a 106-year-old man. Or, if you go with just the body, a 16-year-old dead boy. It seems to really effectively portray, you know, the whole undead, lifeless, worm-ridden corpse thing. And it sparkles. Look, the bottom line: this product is far creepier than any vampire movie.

Creepy Quote from Product Description: “The Vamp really does seem like a bloodless, beautiful, undead cock.” No word on how the reviewer knows what that would possibly feel like or who would possibly want that.

3. The Accomodator (TheAdultToyShoppe.com): The Accomodator, a chin strap with a big ol’ dildo attached to it, is designed for men or women to wear when performing cunnilingus. It penetrates the receiving partner, leading to a highly sensuous experience. All right, what’s wrong with that? There’s nothing creepy about using a bit of cool technology to help your partner have a good time. I don’t see any reason that the .... OH HOLY HELL!

The Accomodator just makes you look like the first draft of Pinocchio gone horrible, horribly wrong. It seems like there should be a lot easier ways to give someone an orgasm than making yourself look like someone put on Tommy Lee’s penis on Jay Leno’s chin.

Creepiest Line from Product Description: “The latex straps wrap around your head, allowing you to keep the dildo in place to to thrust it erotically!” Keep in mind that this is on your chin. If the receiving partner looks down, she’ll think you’re doing a “Night At The Roxbury” parody about ten years too late.

2. Magic Dalmatian Dog Penis Dildo (KinkyConsumer.com): OK, now we’re hitting some heavyweight levels of creepy. The Dog Penis dildo is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a great tool for simulating sex with a dog. The product description notes that it’s the medium-size model. They also note that ” ... we also have the Vixen, the largest member of the family; the Neo, a smaller member, and the Uni, the smallest.”

While I like that they named their second-smallest dog penis after Keanu Reeves’ character in “The Matrix,” that doesn’t kill the horror of knowing that one size of fake dog penis wasn’t enough. There’s enough demand that the fake dog penis company has four separate models of fake dog penis? That is, in the words of my grandmother, “a hell of a lot of fake dog penis.”

On the plus side, this product’s inflatable, so if you ever go whitewater rafting it could potentially serve as the world’s most awkward flotation device.

Creepiest Line From Product Description: “Without question this is the closest experience to the real thing that you can have. This product is worth every cent of its price.” This is clearly written by someone who has tried several alternatives.

1. RealDolls (RealDoll.com): Granted, we didn’t cover a lot of sexual ground in this article. Mainly, we’ve looked at various creepy dildos, and you’re probably wondering why I don’t venture off the beaten path (no pun intended).

Well, that’s because when you travel off the beaten path, you run into RealDolls. And they eat your soul. Oh, yes, they do.

RealDolls are designed to be the most lifelike possible simulation of a human being, though they can’t move on their own, of course. And you’ve got to give it to the makers of RealDolls; these things look a lot like people. The thing is, the closer you get to “replacing human contact with a masturbation toy,” the creepier you get, too. It’s compounded by the fact that there are entire internet communities set up around RealDolls. Seriously. This is icky stuff. Ryan Gosling made it look sexy, but, in actuality, it is not.

I’m going to forgo the creepy product description on this one to tell you all about the RealDoll Doctor. He’s an actual, real human being, not a RealDoll, and he cleans out and repairs ... er, used RealDolls. For a living. That’s how he makes his money. His site just went offline, and soon he’ll be back in the business of RealDoll repair.

Man, that Vamp Dildo is starting to look pretty wholesome.

Find a creepier sex toy? Post in the comments section below this article.

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Tags: vibrators, sex toys, dildos

Comments (38)

comments

AnitaBath
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 08:49 am: [report]

During high school, my friends and I learned all about the real dolls and were thoroughly creeped out. It started when my friend caught a special on tv called “Love Me, Love My Doll” about guys who treat their dolls like they are real girlfriends. CrEePy. And we saw this Youtube video online in a factory where they’re made, and the guy giving the tour grabbed the breast and said, “See how realistic it feels? Where a normal woman would say ‘stop’ or ‘that hurts’, the Real Doll can’t!”

I almost feel creepy for knowing this stuff. And I always wondered how the Real Dolls got, erm, cleaned, so thanks for that!

I Go To 11
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 09:03 am: [report]

For a brief moment, I thought that Real Doll was Britney Spears, circa 2002.

SEMI-girl
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 09:22 am: [report]

The “fleshlight” is a popular toy for men. It basically looks like a flashlight, but when you unscrew the top there’s a silicon &$%%y or just a hole. I can’t remember where I saw this, either a joke website or a pop-up ad that I subsequently blocked from my memory, but there’s definitely one that’s a mouth with vampire teeth. When the first rule of a BJ is no teeth, I can’t imagine why a guy would want to fantasize about pointy vampire fangs down there!

Rose
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]

The speculum kit you posted a while ago shouldn’t have been left out of this list.

msu.umich
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 10:37 am: [report]

a dog penis? really?

Knina
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]

Anything off of divine-interventions.com. They have a crucifix dildo named the Jackhammer Jesus!

alexadee
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]

i don’t… understand… is the dog penis for humans or for dogs? what are we talking about here, faux bestiality or sexual abusing canines? you know what, i don’t need this to be made clear. i just want to forget this all ever happened.

Ginger
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 12:48 pm: [report]

Nothing is creepier than the Real Doll. At least the other things you can laugh at (except the dog penis) but Real Dolls…
I need to go boil myself in water so I can feel clean again.

xxxWildFirexxx
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 01:44 pm: [report]

eeeewwwww!!! dog dick? i guess beastiality (however you spell it) has been happening for so long that some sex toy maker decided to bank on it..but thats so nasty!!!

draymond
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]

bogart4017
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 02:32 pm: [report]

Whats even creepier was the store Record Express in downtown Brooklyn NY. Sold cds, movies and sex toys.
Why the hell is a record store selling sex toys.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]

@bogart:
“You spin me right round, baby
right round like a record, baby
Right round round round
You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round”

draymond
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 02:45 pm: [report]

Sorry, I was trying to paste a link to a video.

Frankly I find anything by Tenga to be oddly fascinating and creepy all at once. However the Flip Hole is particularly so.

http://www.tenga.co.jp/e/products.html

I mean the Real Doll is kind of creepy, but it is just a matter of craftsmanship and does not strive to be better than a real woman. Consider what it takes by comparison to create the Flip Hole: An engineering department to start with; Materials science; 3D computer modeling; Many prototypes and testing; Focus groups. These guys aren’t just jerking off! A huge committment in time and money invested into making a vagina better than the real thing!

Ginger
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 04:14 pm: [report]

@draymond I’ve never heard of the Flip Hole so I clicked the link. Looking at it on the site made my head hurt.
It’s like some sci-fi movie prop that gets dissected in one of those movie companion books.

I can understand why it’s creepy. All that work to help people rub one out. It’s like Brave New World except less drugs.

Telephone
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 06:10 pm: [report]

There is nothing on earth more disgusting than cleaning out a RealDoll. Not that I know from personal experience or anything, but the documentary Love Me, Love My Doll kept me from eating for weeks.

asianchick
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 08:02 pm: [report]

Okay lots of my gf’s are into the vamp craze so the vampire dick is weird but I see the market…but the dog penis!!!??? That’s just too freaking creepy. Imagine finding that by accident in a drawer…ew. Ew…ew….ew….ew. Puts a whole new twist on “doggystyle.”

Yodar Critch
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 08:43 pm: [report]

2. Magic Dalmatian Dog Penis Dildo

“Without question this is the closest experience to the real thing that you can have.”

Oh this is so wrong on so many levels. :(

Spend the money and get a Sybian. You won’t regret it.

draymond
wrote on November 25 2009 @ 12:19 am: [report]

@Ginger Did you click on the video link further down detailing all of its advanced features? That it the really head spinning bit.

One thing I sometimes mention to ladies: If you wonder how a man can be intimidated by a vibrating dildo imagine if your guy stopped after a while and saying ‘sorry, this is nice but I need a little extra’ and then reaching in his nightstand to pull out the Tenga Flip Hole.

Ginger
wrote on November 25 2009 @ 03:13 am: [report]

@draymond I was too busy trying to imagine what it would be like to have a penis, and why someone with a penis would stick it in that contraption. So I didn’t even notice the video.
Maybe I’ll watch it tomorrow morning. Sounds like a good way to start the day.

majicksand
wrote on November 25 2009 @ 09:12 am: [report]

The utube video of the guy taking “family photos” with his real dolls was so creepy. The same guy shushed the camera man doing the interview because his “girlfriend” was still sleeping.

LadieBug
wrote on November 26 2009 @ 08:58 pm: [report]

There is a movie about a doll that a father uses to teach his kids lessons. In one scene there is a woman is having sex with it (it’s a male doll) and one of the kids watches while the other hears it. Effing creepy…

Link:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095871/

condomelite1
wrote on November 26 2009 @ 09:41 pm: [report]

@draymond I love everything about Tenga products. They are the most original and cool looking + they have the best ads and video clips.
http://condomelite.com/condoms/2009/08/09/apply-lubricant-with-pleasure/?preview=true&preview_id=540&preview_nonce=6b3a189f8b

ootie grl
wrote on November 27 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]

realdolls. thats so creepy!

Shosanna
wrote on November 27 2009 @ 07:02 pm: [report]

I think this article has ruined my libido for the next few days.

bootpants
wrote on November 30 2009 @ 07:00 pm: [report]

What about this one?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BatdqX-_2Lw

Iammina
wrote on December 2 2009 @ 12:02 am: [report]

Yes, creepy and funny. I was just picturing my husband wearing a chin dildo and I can’t stop smiling.

CarefulOne
wrote on December 2 2009 @ 01:48 am: [report]

The Accomodator isn’t thrust by bobbing the whole head, it’s thrust by moving the jaw. When it’s in use, all you see when you look down is the top of his head, maybe moving a little, just like when he’s doing cunnilingus normally.

JerzeeGuy
wrote on December 2 2009 @ 10:01 am: [report]

The Real Doll is quite creepy for sure, though its a bit funny to think of men actually spending that kind of money for a doll, a bit over board. And the hello kitty vibe, that creeps me out in a big way.

cataclysmicdiva
wrote on December 2 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]

@SEMI-girl…draymond posted the link for the product you are talking about…I know bc I’ve seen it too..they had a commercial about it on showtime or cinemax or something and i saw it…they also had a special about the Realdolls. That junk is crazy..definitely creepy. Also, I couldn’t tell by looking, but I thought they said the lady-parts were detachable for cleaning. Creepiest things about the real doll: it has three holes for penetration (you know where they are), and on the newer models, it’s tongue moves!!

cataclysmicdiva
wrote on December 2 2009 @ 10:11 am: [report]

ooops. semi the product is the flip hole LOL

cataclysmicdiva
wrote on December 2 2009 @ 10:12 am: [report]

@ bootpants OMG Topanga is selling sex toys now?!?!

Domina
wrote on December 2 2009 @ 01:06 pm: [report]

i have a friend completely hello kitty obsessed (like everything she owns is hello kitty), and i got her the hello kitty vibe for xmas last year. she was so creeped out by it and refused to use it for masturbating, but couldnt help but keep it and display it cuz it was hello kitty. she just kept it in a pen cup so that only hello kitty’s body was showing.

323Felicity
wrote on December 3 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]

Cracked.com did a list like this too, but theirs was a little longer. Anyway, they showed this one dildo called the Whale. And I don’t know what a whale penis looks like, but apparently this was supposed to. It was so creepy! It was over a foot long and it kind of looks like a crooked unicorn horn. Is there someone out there wanting to have some whale sex? eww…