The 15 Different Kinds Of Guys That There Are
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
guys
11:00AM, Wednesday April 8th 2009
The Stranger‘s has a hilarious column called “The Different Kinds Of People That There Are: A Complete List,” which is, of course, not a complete list by any means, but is still hilarious. Here’s a sample:
People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You’re Having: Please, please, please just order your own lasagna.
People Who Studied Abroad in a Third-World Country: Congratulations.
People Who Are Secret Hookers: They’re your friends, but they’re hookers! Ssssh!
After I was done laughing, I realized there’s a similar list to be made about the different types of GUYS there are. Check out 15 generalizations, after the jump!
1. Guys who will do just about anything, but chop off their nuts, in order to screw without a condom.
2. Guys who consider their sneaker collection more valuable than family photos and cherished memories.
3. Guys who would never admit to loving “Real Housewives,” but totally do, especially NeNe, she’s the bomb!
4. Guys who always leave the toilet seat up and never put out a new roll of TP.
5. Guys who are so comfortable with their sexuality that they are totally down for a little anal play. Just don’t tell anyone.
6. Guys who hook up with women on the first date and then act like these same women are sluts for hooking up with them.
7. Guys who think menstrual cramps aren’t really painful, but get sympathy pains when they watch a guy get kicked in the nuts on YouTube.
8. Guys that are always broke, because they’re chasing their next big cash in…which never comes.
9. Guys who want to marry their moms.
10. Guys who consider themselves feminists because they never, ever pay for a date.
11. Guys who never, ever, ever call you again, even though, seriously, the date went f**king awesome.
12. Guys who don’t see the point of having a top sheet when the fitted sheet works just fine on its own.
13. Guys who don’t cry, except for when their favorite sports team loses the big game.
14. Guys who don’t wear deodorant because they think their natural scent is manly.
15. Guys who seem really progressive and supportive of your goals and career, but then slowly start to reveal that they’re just looking for a June Cleaver to cook them dinner and make them babies.
[Images: iStockphoto]
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Ogbu
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
Number 5 - My honey bunny. I can #&@$% you in the ass, but I can’t tell a soul. Eh ... could be worse.
keightee
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
Great list!
Although I must admit that I am the one guilty of #12…it just gets tangled so what’s the point?
I’ve dated multiple guys who live by #14, which was always completely disgusting. I don’t know how I even find these people sometimes…
Annika Harris
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]
#16 The guy who will drop everything to run out and get you tampons because you’ve been absentminded lately.
Sofjna
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
Aw, I’ve had my fair share of guys on this list whom I’ve dated, screwd, worked with, or roomed with. But I can’t use the top sheet either. I somehow always manage to wake up with it tangled around my neck and arms.
Naneenya
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
My brother is #8. Absolutely.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
No top sheet for me either. It’s makes me too warm, and it strangles me.
5 is kinky.
lilafly
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]
The guy who’s afraid of the period.
lovely_j
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
My brother is #1 one. That’s why I have a nephew and another niece/nephew on the way.
lovely_j
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]
Correction: #1 -“one”
Also, my husband does not qualify for any of these. Probably why I married him.
Amelia
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
Re: the top sheet issue—you know, I think it all comes down to how restless a sleeper you are. I sleep like a mummy in a tomb, barely move at all. I wonder if this means men are more likely to move around a lot when they sleep? I’ve always assumed the lack of a top sheet has to do with being lazy about bed-making and laundry, since it’s another piece to have to deal with.
joyy
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]
I think having a top sheet makes laundry easier since linens are easier to was than some blankets are. *shrug*
On that note though, my bf constantly makes the bed sideways. Yes, the dimensions are more square on a king bed than others, but there are FREAKING STRIPES on the sheets that go from the top to the bottom of the bed - it’s not that difficult.
At least he makes the bed though! (cause I sure don’t
)
joyy
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
*easier to wash.
And I just finished reading the whole list on The Stranger. Awesome.
Humble Bee
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
I’m guilty of #11, I’ve had about 5 awesome dates, with 5 awesome guys and I never call them back, or even answer their calls. IDK why. I really don’t know why. I just don’t.
retro chic
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 01:07 pm: [report]
Haha, so true, but just 15?... and, 9, 10 & 15 are conjoined triplets:
#9 Marrying Mom. Except THEY don’t know that. I knew one that claimed to want Ms. Independent, met her, then ran for the hills, retreating to a former GF that didn’t even drive (big thing in LA). I’ve personally married off 3 guys this way. “You think you want to marry to me, an independent woman?, well, have no fear. You will get married, just not to me. Consider this the one just before THE ONE!,” would be my warning label.
#10 Cheapskate feminists. What a magical world they live in where all they had to do to make global changes by just clicking their heels and saying “I support your cause—here’s the bill” to make it so… Why didn’t I think of that?
#15 See #9
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
New one: Guy that turns women to lesbianism.
One guy I know had 3 successive girlfriends go lesbian after dating him.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]
@Truth King: It means you are taking it in the #2.
Alison Wonderland
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 02:38 pm: [report]
Amelia: I have to ponder this now. My bf doesn’t ever have a topsheet on his bed and he’s a restless sleeper. Then again he’s pretty lazy about bed-making/laundry too so the evidence is inconclusive…
Yellow
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 03:45 pm: [report]
I do laundry at least once a week and make my bed almost every day. I also regularly wake up in the exact same position I fell asleep in. I just hate topsheets! I think it has more to do with the fact that I have a kickass comforter, and I don’t want anything in the way of me and it. If I had some regular old blanket, then probably a topsheet, and I insist on them in hotels.
shannac02
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 03:53 pm: [report]
1, 2, 3, 8, and 10 are all my most recent ex… I win!!!!!
courtnea
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 07:19 pm: [report]
i hate the top sheet….i’s constricting and the down comf. is sooooo much nicer
DancerNinja
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:20 pm: [report]
Still, to this day, am bitter and angry about a guy turning into a #15 on me. “I want someone to follow my career and raise my kids” he says. “Why the hell are you with me” I says.
Oliveira
wrote on April 8 2009 @ 11:52 pm: [report]
I outdo all of you lazy #12 people. I had to google to check what a top sheet was.
(I’m not a native speaker, but you’ll admit that sounds really bad.)
retro chic
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 01:19 am: [report]
The MIA top sheet thing kills me, Amelia… the funniest thing on the list. It is but one in an arsenal of many “efficiency coups” guys live for in their enterprising, little corner-cutting minds.
And where is this sheet?... in the window? sold with the 2nd pillow case to a friend?…
VannaMarie
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 07:19 am: [report]
I live with a number 4, and can say that another characteristic of this fellow is the habit of taking the trash halfway to the door and leaving it there. The intention is that he will take it out next time he walks ‘all the way to the door’. Only he usually doesn’t.
Erin G
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 08:04 am: [report]
I think its kinda gross to not use a top sheet. Men and women alike do this, too. You get old skin, sweat, and oil (not to mention the smell that goes along with all of it) on the comforter…and we all know that almost NO ONE washes a comforter.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 08:07 am: [report]
@Erin G: I wash my comforter!
gillybeans
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]
I dated #14 and I literally wanted to puke on several occasions when he’d put his arm around me. The stench was unbearable. You know that overwhelming kind of BO that takes over the entire subway car? He had that. But he was super hot so I put up with it for a year, just blocked my nose during sex and dancing etc.
writergirl
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]
My husband is a #4….I keep emailing him the YouTube video of “Mad About You” where she shows Paul how to replace the toilet paper. Hasn’t made a dent yet, but I have hopes.
Regarding number 12…I sleep in the same position and never move. I could get out of bed and simply fold replace the covers and the bed would be fine. My husband tears the fitted sheet off, and wraps himself around the comforter. Which now stinks to high heaven—yes there is a point to the top sheet. And I wash my comforter. We now need a new one.
I tell him his inability to use a top sheet and sleep properly (ie without moving) costs us roughly $500 every five years for a new comforter. (Because he also has “softness” issues so I can’t just get a $99 comforter.)
Chelle
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 02:29 pm: [report]
Every guy I know is a restless sleeper. Even my son. They all seem to completely remove the top sheet from the comforter while twisting it all around. They also have a habit of pulling one corner of the bottom sheet off the bed. WTF? How do they do that? This is one reason why I’m glad I’m single now. I’m like writergirl, the bed is still halfway made when I wake up. When I went to get the rest of my stuff from my ex’s, the bottom sheet and comforter where in a pile in the middle of the bed! No top sheet anymore of course.
Alison Wonderland
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 03:21 pm: [report]
Chelle: WTF is right?! Aforementioned restless sleeping, lazy, top-sheet omitting boyfriend pulls the corners of the fitted sheets off the bed too! His bed doesn’t have a headboard either and I suppose as a result of all his thrashing about pillow usually end up wedged between the mattress and the wall. I have to hold on to mine for dear life so he doesn’t take it after his go missing. Plus, I make a specific point to claim the one that has a pillowcase. Needless to say, I don’t sleep well when I’m there…
The Spartan Sweetheart
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]
I hate the “I studied abroad and it changed my life” people. It’s why I refused to go on any of those trips in college. I really don’t need the same picture of me at the Guinness factory, since I’ve already seen ten thousand of them from my friends.
The Spartan Sweetheart
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]
I have a theory about the four types of guys in journalism.
The Sporty Guy: loves sports, monosyllabic, baseball hat.
The Music Guy: indie, tight jeans, in a band.
The Gay Guy: future fashion and lifestyle reporters, usually dress like Chuck Bass.
The Creepy Fiction Writer: black t-shirts with ironic/immature/insulting slogans, usually writes for gaming/tech sections, wants to show you his large collection of dragon chalices and D&D;books.
Sofjna
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 04:57 pm: [report]
@hartcons- that’s what my ex and I used to do; it was so much easier
grapefruitdiet
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 04:02 pm: [report]
aww. my guy doesn’t fit into any of these categories.
he’s more like a
#16 - the kind of guy that wants whatever you want and focuses the majority of his time on your happiness, but as a result lacks any real ambition or dreams of his own
and topsheets are a rather big waste of time. I only use one because I have a cheap comforter, so I figured I’d get some nice sheets and suck it up.
Dmun
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 06:53 pm: [report]
Screw you, the toilet seat stays up.
Lazy asses.
torimom
wrote on April 15 2009 @ 08:11 am: [report]
I’ve been with the same guy for the past 16 years, and we got married in 1996, so this article was hilarious for me to read! Some things never change - either live with them or decide it’s a dealbreaker.
I am sure my hubby would draw up a list of his own on me, but my faves from this list about my hubby are:
- will put toilet seat down, but won’t replace TP.
- no sympathy for the menstrual period thing, but heartburn or a headache will lay him up for three days.
- I don’t care about a topsheet either - it always seems to come off the bed. But I do believe in clean sheets and bed linens.
- Don’t talk to my hubby if Auburn loses at anything.
- Yep, I have figured out that he expects me to be his mom, but I’m not, so get over it honey.
- My hubby will mow the yard, but forget about the rest of it. If I want anything else done (like weedeating), I have to do it.
- My hubby won’t take out the garbage. He will let it pile to the ceiling.
Some things my hubby is not guilty of, but gross me out are:
- No deodorant. I was madly in love with Matthew McConaughey until I read that he hasn’t worn deodorant in 20 years. YUK!!!!!
- Why does he believe that poop time is bonding time? He comes in the bathroom every morning to take a big dump while my daughter and I are in the bathtub. Maybe we need to start wearing gasmasks in the tub.
My mama always said, you never know someone until you live with them, and I believe those words of wisdom 100%. I love my hubby very much. But you gotta take the good with the bad, and realize that it all balances out in the end.