The 10 Strangest Things About Being Suddenly Single
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Monday September 29th 2008
So I’ve concluded week two of being “on a break” from my relationship. Newsflash: It still sucks. So far, I’ve progressed from the “so damned depressed I may never emerge from under the covers” stage to the “okay, this may actually be real” stage. I’ve got no idea what week three’s stage will be, but I hope it’s better than this. Still, in the last two weeks, I’ve tried to pay attention to the changes in my life that have come as a result of all this upheaval. What follows are 10 strange things about being suddenly single.
1. Nobody says: “Have A Safe Flight!”: I’m not that anxious when it comes to flying, but I’ve always felt grateful for the times I’ve had someone sitting next to me with a hand I could squeeze. Flying alone, it feels like good luck to have a quickie phone call with someone saying, “I love you! Have a safe flight!” before shutting down my cell at the pilot’s instruction. Not so this time.
2. Using The Padlock: The idea of a home intruder freaks me out. When my now former live-in-boyfriend would travel, I’d make sure the windows were locked and the door was double-locked when I turned in for bed—two things it never occurred to me to do when he was home, because, for whatever reason, he made home feel safe. Now, it’s my nightly ritual. My dog just doesn’t give me that same sense of security.
3. TV? Not As Fun: Last night, “Dexter” and “Californication” premiered, and there was a new episode of “Mad Men.” Sure, my favorite shows were still entertaining to watch, but I found myself pouting there was no one to A) have sex with when the sight of Dexter humping Rita made me horny, B) crack up with when Charlie and his wife discussed snorting cocaine off his penis on “Californication,” and C) cheer with when Draper sucker-punched Jimmy Barrett. “Gossip Girl,” though, is still fun—possibly more so because now there isn’t someone mocking me for watching it.
4. In A Crisis: No More Mr. Fix-It: The other night, I left my laptop in a cab. I never lose anything, and my laptop is what makes The Frisky happen. I went into full-on panic mode. The boyfriend/fiancé was excellent at calming me down and helping me fix whatever crisis had occurred. At first, having to solve it myself looked fruitless. Three hours later, the cab driver came back to my apartment with my laptop. He figured out my exact address because I’d left my prescription for birth control in my bag. Thank God for the Pill.
5. I Cook What I Want: I love to cook. Some of my specialties didn’t sit well with my live-in. I have a recipe for whole wheat pasta with broccoli rabe and Italian sausage that I love, but he always thought it tasted too bitter. Guess what I’m having for dinner this week?
6. That I’d Be (Briefly) Unhappy To See My Period: A week after “the break,” I got my period. For about two minutes, I was really freaking sad. Not because I imagined being suddenly pregnant with his love-child would fix anything—because it wouldn’t, it really wouldn’t—but because if it doesn’t work out for us, we’ll never have a child together. If we don’t, it’s not meant to be, but I guess I’d planned on that fantasy for so long that getting my most recent period cut deep. With him, I wanted the timing to be right. Now I have to face the fact it might not ever be right. And that sucks.
7. That I Still Feel So Close To His Family, But It’s Different: One of the saddest parts about this break for me is that I may never become a part of his wonderful family. I have a wonderful family of my own—my mother and brother have been especially supportive—but who doesn’t want to expand their immediate family to include more wonderfulness? I hope we’ll stay connected, in spite of what’s happened.
8. That I Have To Learn To Be My Own Best Friend: I’m on a plane as I write this. Today, I read a quote from Diane Von Furstenberg. She says becoming your own best friend is one of the most powerful and important things a woman can do. While this situation has rocked my world, it has been refreshing to rely on me, myself, and I for the first time in a while.
9. That Sometimes It Feels Right To Be Insanely Sad: This weekend was hard because it was the first one where I was totally home alone, without house guests or friends. It was raining. I felt profoundly sad. I could have done something to ignore it or distract myself from it: go out with friends, see “The House Bunny,” watch the Sarah Palin interview with Katie Couric. But it sort of felt right and almost good, in an odd way, to feel the sadness, cry over it, and let it pass.
10. Sometimes It Feels Right Altogether: During the last few weeks, there are times when “the break” has felt right and good and justified and appropriate and for the best. And that’s made me feel guilty. This is not to say I want this break to be permanent, or that I’m not hopeful for a reconciliation, or that I haven’t considered that not reconciling might be okay, too. But the uncertainty about what’s to come, while unfamiliar after years of feeling like I was with the person I would grow old with, is not an altogether horrible feeling to have.
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Lindsay A.
wrote on September 29 2008 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
Have a safe flight!!!
HitOrMissJudy
wrote on September 29 2008 @ 02:13 pm: [report]
Ms. Von Furstenberg is so right. Except for the part about marrying the gay dude. I’d advise against that because Barry Diller definitely ain’t gonna do you during Dexter.
And yes, have a safe flight!
Simcha
wrote on September 29 2008 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
Aw, buddy! If you were already ready to like party it up and hump strangers, that’s when we’d worry about you! You’re doin’ a-ok and before you know it everything is gonna be all right. For now, stay under the covers. I recommend Beck’s Sea Change and Mutations for those times you roll around in bed alone.
notaslacker
wrote on September 29 2008 @ 08:56 pm: [report]
no one should ever mock gossip girl—it’s heresy in my book. also, getting your friends involved in your tv habits really improves the experience. let’s just say mondays have become very big on my social calendar.
bunnymatic
wrote on September 30 2008 @ 07:53 am: [report]
i don’t understand something about a lot of boyfriend/girlfriend articles these days- why is everyone living together! maybe, granted, i don’t know how long you’ve been together, but unless a long term committment (not even necessarily marriage) is in the picture, why do so many people live together? i don’t know, i guess it’s not a practice i’m too familiar with, although i hope to live with my boyfriend if and only if we decide to get married.
however, i completely understand this time off thing. it just really sucks. however, what have i learned from a month and a half of time off? it’s all mental. and despite the fact that we know it’s all mental, we still torture ourselves. bury yourself in the solace of friends, thats what theyre there for.
Amelia
wrote on September 30 2008 @ 08:17 am: [report]
@bunnymatic Well I think there’s a couple factors—I live in New York City, where rents are atrocious. A lot of people I know move in together out of practicality. I would say I did, but also I moved in with him out of love. We moved in quick though, after six months, BUT we did last for four and a half years (well we may still last, we’ll see). Anyway, I personally am a fan of moving in before marriage because I think living together is a really important indicator of whether you’re truly compatible.
Wendilynn
wrote on September 30 2008 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
When I was first single after 11 years of marriage, I used to keep all the dirty clothes piled on “his” side of the bed so I wouldn’t feel all alone when I was sleeping. *chuckles*
As for the living together important to marriage comment, living together first has been statistically proven to not help determine if the marriage will work. Over half of people who have answered various surveys about divorce said they lived together first.
Beas
wrote on October 2 2008 @ 11:17 am: [report]
Great article. You got it dead on. Sometimes I try to remind myself of all the crappy things he did, instead of reminiscing about the good times. One crappy memory will shut that down real quick. Oh, and you are very lucky lady to have escaped seeing House Bunny!
Marya S.
wrote on October 2 2008 @ 07:30 pm: [report]
I really liked your article. I am on month 7 of my first break up ever (I was married for 17 years - left for another woman - it came out of left field ) and I’m just now starting to settle down. I liked knowing that some of your reactions are the same as mine. Thank you for keeping it honest - I’m glad I stumbled upon it.
Good Luck - and Chin UP!
Christine
wrote on October 3 2008 @ 10:38 am: [report]
I’m so sorry and know exactly how you are feeling as my fiancee just left me 3 months before our wedding. We did live together in NY as well, and I just moved out last week (he left immediately). He left me cold without any real reason, explanation, or attempt to fix whatever he thought was wrong. I was completely caught off gaurd as he always doted over me and seemed excited for our wedding. Come to find out, he says he felt pressured to propose. WHATEVER. Thanks for your insight. I’m sorry you are going through this but is comforting to know that I’m not the only one feeling the same things. I thought these things only happened in movies…I hope everything works out for you both! Keep staying busy and around close friends and family. They are truly a saving grace.
Amelia
wrote on October 3 2008 @ 10:40 am: [report]
@Christine Want to come over to my apartment this weekend, drink a bottle of wine, and watch The Rachel Zoe Project?
Christine
wrote on October 3 2008 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
I live in the West Village. We should meet up for a drink!
Mik
wrote on November 2 2008 @ 11:41 pm: [report]
Recently broke up with my first everything after 4 1/2 years. No friends or family to help me out.
Will R
wrote on November 10 2008 @ 04:12 am: [report]
10 Things that are Better Now.
1) If something bad DID happen on the flight, you no longer have worry about the fact that while you were watching the safety video, he was reading Maxim and looking at bewbs. When he’s trying to figure out how to get his oxygen mask on and can only remember that that one girl from that one show has a great rack, he’ll miss you.
2) You are now free to enjoy the whole bed. Sleep snow angel style.
3) TV = Less fun. But innerwebs = much much more fun. Go wallow in the goddess worship that nerds will provide any girl on the internet.
4) Everything in the kitchen will be delicious. Remember all those things you bought because he liked them that filled up the fridge? No mas!
5) You know that thing he likes? During sex? You know, the wierd thing. The next guy probably won’t want you to do that.
6) You know that thing you like? During sex? That thing he wont do. The next guy probably will. Like… all the time.
7) Two words - Ladies night. Say goodbye to paying for drinks.
8) You know those terrible chick movies? The ones about the girls who overcame the odds and is required by law to have at least one “having fun montage” where the girls clean or cook or shop to some 80’s song. You can watch them without constant sighing.
9) Clothing in hamper, not on the floor next to the shower.
10) Pandas. Seriously, they are the only reason for living.