Take It From Him: 4 Compliments That Guys Take As Insults
Posted by: Phil Dotree
Filed in:
guys
1:59PM, Friday September 25th 2009
Men can be remarkably thin-skinned. Sometimes even a compliment will send us reeling. We think things through too much (which might not ring true with what you think of guys, but stay with me here). Even the nicest thing can be misconstrued as an attack on our manhood and genitalia, which are inextricably linked, and we’ll retire to hours of crying on the couch while drinking and watching football, thinking about the horrible, horrible things that you’ve said.
Well, maybe not to that extreme. I can promise you that we will drink and watch football though. Here’s a look at some common compliments that guys will often take as insults.
1. “You’re not like my old boyfriend.” It doesn’t matter if your last boyfriend was Jeffrey Dahmer, guys just hear this compliment as “I was interested in this other guy, but now you’re here.” The more specific you get with the compliment, the more our little self-conscious minds will read into it. Especially avoid any sexual comparisons—even if you say something nice, we’ll wonder why the hell you brought it up in the first place. Never compare our anatomy (out loud, anyways). If you haven’t figured it out by now, men are overly sensitive about their private parts.
2. “You’re so sensitive.” Guys don’t want to be thought of as sensitive, especially, ironically, the sensitive guys. We want to be tough badasses. We want to be Patrick Swayze in “Road House,” not Patrick Swayze in “Ghost.” If you call us sensitive, we’re just going to cry about it. Try tempering the compliment with this instead: “Oh, you’re really sensitive underneath that rugged exterior and those strong arms that could probably disembowel a man in about two seconds if given the chance! I’m really sexually attracted to you.”
3. “You’re very thin.” This seems backhanded to guys. We don’t want to be thin; we want to be big, rippling, bulging sacks of muscle and grit, regardless of how unappealing that might seem. We don’t want to be a stick. Even if you’re just trying to tell us that we look pretty good with our shirts off, it’s better to say that we’re “fit.” That way, we can look in the mirror after you leave the room and try to look at our scrawny biceps and think about how we could conceivably make a play for the UFC featherweight title.
4. “I enjoy sex with you, even if I don’t have a big O.” Guys are incapable of believing that sex can be good without that O moment. It’s how we approach sex, as a means to an end, and most guys can’t get it through their heads that sex is fulfilling by itself for many women. If you’ve had great sex, but you didn’t get there, just don’t bring it up. Guys won’t read into it unless you call attention to what they’ll see as a “lack of satisfaction.” And by the way, I apologize for our lack of biological knowledge. We’re really trying. Really.
What compliments have you given guys that backfired? Post below.
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*sam*
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:12 pm: [report]
Oh gosh, I’m guilty of #1 & 4… on *numerous* occasions, and truth be told, on a regular basis.
another compliment that’s somehow managed to backfire:
“You’re better at sex than any of my previous partners”—b/c for some reason, guys apparently like to think that you were a virgin before they got with you???
“You’ll make a great dad one day”—b/c you’d rather I told you that you’d be a sh*tty douche bag, dead beat dad? I get it, it doesn’t scream “Rambo” but seriously guys, when’s the last time you saw Rambo get laid?
“You’re so cute!”—b/c “cute” is apparently unacceptable, even if you are cordially having a pretend tea party with your niece, and having a conversation with her stuffed rabbit.
H. Blue
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
I have been berated for calling a guy “nice.”
I haven’t exactly said #4, but I HAVE said “no, it’s ok” after being apologized to because I didn’t climax. And really, it is ok. Sometimes it’s not meant to be. And harping on it makes me feel like there’s something wrong with ME.
_jsw_
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
Phil, we’ve had our differences in the past, but I completely agree with you on this one, except I’d replace “thin” with “you’re very [adjective which could even conceivably be considered a bad thing even if you mean it in a good way because either we’re already sensitive about it - but don’t call us sensitive! - or we think you’re comparing us to your exes, about whom we don’t want to think]”.
@*sam*: I’ll get to #1 in a second. #4 always - always - comes across (no pun intended) as “you couldn’t get me to have an orgasm”. It doesn’t matter if it was a quickie in an airplane whose wing had fallen off and was plummeting to the ground. A guy, hearing that, will forget about his impending death just long enough to consider himself a sexual failure.
As far as the “you’re better at sex than any of my previous partners” comment: no, they don’t think you were a virgin, but they don’t want to think of you having sex with other men. We’re very visual. Believe me, it doesn’t take much for bad images to form. Do you like thinking of his prior conquests? Do you want to walk in on your parents doing it doggy style? No. Some things are best left alone.
The great dad comment seems fine with me. I don’t know what that’d be an issue, although it could come across as the preface to “with another woman”.
“You’re so cute”... it’s OK in private, but not usually around others.
_jsw_
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
To amend my comments: we understand that you women won’t always climax. We understand, intellectually, that it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re pathetically horrible and unmanly at the sexing of the ladies. But we just don’t want to have it told to us unless it’s not a typical thing and there’s some way to resolve the issue later. Problems solvers we are.
iamsamkeller
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]
i once made the mistake of telling my boyfriend that i never enjoyed sex with my ex because it was painful… he then got defensive and asked me if it’s because he wasn’t as big as my ex. 0.o
*sam*
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:34 pm: [report]
@_jsw_: ha! thanks for the clarification on a few points! lucky for me, I’ve realized that if I want to compliment a guy on his performance in the sack, all I really need to do, is lay there, panting, and unable to move.
Anything else is just superfluous, and if he asks whether he’s the “best,” I should just weakly shake my head yes, whilst still panting. I’m odd though, it really doesn’t bother me to hear a/b his previous encounters with other women, even her, so long as he’s using them as a means to illustrate exactly how awesome I am.
I think the only reason I’ve had (an ex) guy get upset over the dad thing was b/c they completely freaked out and took it as “I want to have kids with you, right here, right now. Strip down and impregnate me!”—which was NOT my intention!
_jsw_
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:36 pm: [report]
@iamsamkeller: You could say “no, his small penis was twisted like a pig’s tail and he wasn’t very good at aiming it.”
Unless your current boyfriend has a small, corkscrewed penis and bad aim, this should suffice. In these situations, truth isn’t always the best policy.
iamsamkeller
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]
Hahaha, I told him that I never really felt comfortable with my ex. Surprisingly, it worked and was true!
skywalk
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:40 pm: [report]
When we I first got together with my husband, I was cleaning out the junk mail and there was tall and fat mans catalog and I was like we don’t this as I tossed it in the trash and he was like what are you saying I’m short and skinny and he was pissed. I was like WTF, so I guess #3 is right on, us women wouldn’t be pissed if you wanted to throw out the plus size catalog because we didn’t need it. LOL!! Now that we have been together for 10+ years this wouldn’t be a problem at all, the only ones that would be a problem is talking about an ex in too much detail, but hello I would have the same problem. TMI!
effing hickster
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:44 pm: [report]
@_jsw_: However, that would make the helicopter maneuver so much easier!
effing hickster
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
It’s all in how you say it, ladies. I don’t mind being told I’m adorable or sensitive, as long as it’s followed by a pinch of my tush, instead of my cheek.
remembercedricdiggory
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 03:17 pm: [report]
iamsamkeller; I actually had the same sex life with MY ex, and it WAS because he was too big, and it was terrible. And my boyfriend is aware of all this, and doesn’t mind at all. I guess he’s weird. Or maybe because he can comprehend that TOO BIG IS BAD. Pain=/=good.
ksdancer
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 03:28 pm: [report]
What’s worse? If a guy can’t help you achieve orgasm, do you (a) NOT say anything at all and go take care of yourself in the bathroom, (b) lie and say it was wonderful, (c) fake it. Men are WAY too sensitive about sex…......they all want to think they know EVERYTHING about sex and pleasing a woman when they generally have no clue, won’t ask nor read a book either. Oh, and don’t listen when I tell them what I want!
_jsw_
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]
@ksdancer: It’s OK to help him to learn how to please you. It’s not OK, generally, to say the sex was good even though you didn’t come - unless you normally can and just didn’t happen to that time. It is OK to ask him to try new things to help. Oddly, I think most of us would rather hear that you want us to do something different than we would like to hear that you didn’t finish but that it was still OK. We’re strange.
develange
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 04:16 pm: [report]
yeah…seriously? I’m either supposed to come every single time from every sexual act, or say “yeah, that really sucked because I didn’t come” ? This is why women fake orgasms.
I have said the “I still enjoyed it” when I didn’t come, because it did still feel really awesome. I never though that would be taken as an insult.
LunaLena
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 04:16 pm: [report]
Oh my. Now I’m wondering if I inadvertently said the wrong thing to my boyfriend. Months ago, I told him “I enjoy having sex with you,” and went on to say that when I was with my ex, sex felt more like a chore than a pleasure. I don’t remember his reaction, and neither of us ever mentioned the subject again. Was that bad?
@remembercedricdiggory - Potter Puppet Pals FTW! :D
retro chic
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 04:17 pm: [report]
The N°3 backhanded compliment thing: So, we can’t say you’re thin, but if we say you look like you’ve been working out, then it goes “I’ve been trying take a few off!” Sound familiar with us? You know Phil, we’re not all that different, dont’ya think? We’re all in one big boat, just paddling in opposite directions.
As for the “O”? No one gets out of that alive, one way or another.
calenia
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 05:06 pm: [report]
I am totally guilty of #4 although I never bring it up, I have been asked point blank afterwards with new guys if I can come because they don’t notice it. And I can but not always the first time with a new guy who doesn’t know my spots yet. But I guess I have been giving them a bigger complex than I thought.
Pinky
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 05:06 pm: [report]
I guess my boyish tendencies are rising to the surface again, if I have sex I want an O…sorry I don’t see the point otherwise.
_jsw_
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 05:12 pm: [report]
@LunaLena: “I told him ‘I enjoy having sex with you,’ and went on to say that when I was with my ex, sex felt more like a chore than a pleasure. ... Was that bad?”
The first part was good. The second part wasn’t necessarily bad, but I’d say that, in general, it’s almost never good to talk about a specific ex in a sexual way - positively, negatively, or neutrally - for most people. General discussion about the past is not as sensitive, but, really, it’s almost never a bad thing to not mention prior sex. If it’s not the sort of think you’d want to hear your mom saying about your dad, it’s not good to tell him.
Except for retro chic, who seems to know far more about her parents’ sex life than most.
C.Munro
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 07:48 pm: [report]
Hell, I’ve said No.4 before. Yeah, that didn’t go over too well.
To be fair, it’s not like it was her fault or anything. Sometimes it just doesn’t happen, and by “sometimes” I mean when you drink half a fifth of Glenfiddich before gettin’ it on. Hey, it’s still getting laid even if your toes don’t curl, and getting laid is generally better than not getting laid.
But women seem to take it really personally when a guy doesn’t get off from sex, so is it any wonder that such a compliment rings false to us?
LunaLena
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 09:05 pm: [report]
@ jsw - haha, knowing my parents, it would be actually weirder for me to hear them saying they’re doing it than not. My brother and I often speculate about how we were ever conceived. That’s how bad my parents’ relationship is.
I get your point, though. I knew that bringing up sexual relations with the ex is a dicey subject, but I wanted him to know just how much I loved and appreciated being with him, and that was the best way I could think of to say it. I figured it was better than “you’re a much better lay than my ex!”
At least I didn’t say it when we were in bed.
roastchicken
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 09:17 pm: [report]
I completely agree with ksdancer. I’ve definitely done b and c because of how men perceive a woman’s lack of orgasm as a sexual failure. Wtf? Even if and when I do decide to be honest, they take is SO personal. I purposefully say things in a sensitive way because I know a man’s ego is so tied up in whether or not a woman has an orgasm. Even in that instance they take it badly. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that men care about pleasing us, but it’s not a bad thing if we don’t have an orgasm. It is, however, if we’ve told you repeatedly about something that’s not working and you decide to keep trying it anyway. How come they can’t seem to understand that what works for the other 10 women you’ve slept with is not guaranteed to work for another.
“yeah…seriously? I’m either supposed to come every single time from every sexual act, or say “yeah, that really sucked because I didn’t come” ? This is why women fake orgasms.” That is SOO true develange. From what guys are saying, we’re not supposed to say #4. Wtf, so what am I left with, either lying (which doesn’t help me talk to the guy so I can have an orgasm next time) or faking an orgasm. Who want’s to be left with those choices?
_jsw_
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 09:22 pm: [report]
@LunaLena: ““I wanted him to know just how much I loved and appreciated being with him…”
Awwww. That’s really endearing. No matter how you said it, if that’s your feeling, I’m sure it came across well.
_jsw_
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 09:35 pm: [report]
@roastchicken: The problem isn’t not having an orgasm, it’s telling us you enjoy the sex even though you didn’t have an orgasm. It’s great if you loved the sex. But saying you enjoyed it even though you didn’t have an orgasm just implies that you’re patronizing us and perhaps implies that you don’t really feel like we can help you to have one. It’s OK to say you didn’t have one and suggest ways to work on it.
And, really, most of us know that sex can be an enjoyable experience even if an orgasm doesn’t happen for one or both partners.
It’s just that being told that it was OK even though you didn’t have one emphasizes the “didn’t have one” bit. It’s OK to later admit you didn’t have one. Just don’t say you liked it and throw in, unprompted, that you didn’t climax… unless you want to help us figure out how to fix that.
twinkles
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 09:41 pm: [report]
I don’t ever mention orgasms at all. Several guys have asked me if I came, and that really frustrates and annoys me a lot. I have to be able to focus and not feel “pressured” into getting off. It’s a mind thing for me. When a guy makes a big deal about it, I feel as if he’s not truly interested in pleasing me, but in pleasing his ego. That’s just not fair.
writergirl
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 09:50 pm: [report]
But wouldn’t number four be preferable than asking “Did you come?” and the answer being, “I dunno.” Follwed by her going to sleep?
SCRMOM
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 10:01 pm: [report]
@_jsw_: I don’t think most women would say #4 without being asked. Instead, the guy asks if she had an orgasm, and if the girl didn’t and chooses to be honest about it, she feels the need to soften the blow by saying that she still enjoyed it. The emphasis is attempted to be taken off the “no orgasm” and instead, focused on her overall feeling of the encounter. While I understand what you’re saying about what a guy focuses on when he hears this, what is an appropriate response when the guy asks (in bed, immediately after sex) if she had an orgasm, and she didn’t?
roastchicken
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 10:30 pm: [report]
@ jsw: Patronizing? So women are supposed to walk around on eggshells when it comes to admitting that even tho we did enjoy sex, we didn’t climax just because men don’t want to hear the ‘we didn’t climax’ part? Huh?
I usually don’t bring up my lack of orgasm at all to a partner, because, as I’ve stated before I feel like I have to lie about climaxing just to spare his feelings. Meanwhile, I’m left out of actually having an orgasm just to sate his ego.
This is how the conversation usually goes:
*The lying version:
him: Did you have an orgasm? (Btw, most women HATE this question because it puts that exact pressure on us that twinkles mentioned above) If you EVER have to ask, then the answer is simply No. If it happens, you WILL know.
me: Yes. (Lie. Why, because I decided to sacrifice my pleasure in order to spare his feelings.)
*The truth version:
him: Did you have an orgasm?
me: No.
him: *pouting ensues*
me: But it doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. (At this point, I wish I’d lied. This is why we feel like we have to fake orgasms or flat out lie in the first place.)
him: more pouting
See, this is the way it usually goes for me. The guy is the one that brings up the whole did you or didn’t you thing. I don’t mention it at all. Men are the ones that are more focused the did/didn’t thing. Women aren’t. That’s why we usually don’t mention it. I mean, I see where you’re coming from, but if guys REALLY don’t want to hear the ‘even though I didn’t have an orgasm thing’ maybe they shouldn’t ask. We’re not intentionally trying to patronize you by saying that. We’re just trying to be honest.
roastchicken
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 10:35 pm: [report]
@ SCRMOM: Exactly.
_jsw_
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 10:36 pm: [report]
I think that, yes, if asked directly, then there’s really no good way to answer. I think the direct “did you come?” question is just never a good idea. Better to just say - beforehand - that he cares that you enjoy the experience and that he’s open to anything you want to tell him, and leave it at that. You should feel free but not compelled to provide any guidance you think might help.
And if it’s just fine by you if you didn’t finish, then it should be just fine by us.
_jsw_
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 10:40 pm: [report]
Sorry, I started composing a while ago, went away, and missed some replies.
I completely agree that it’s a dumb thing to ask, and, if you’re asked, feel free to reply however you’d like. If he pouts, it’s his own damned fault.
The only thing I was trying - poorly - to say was a bad idea was, unprompted, to tell him the sex was good even though you didn’t finish. That isn’t a good idea.
roastchicken
wrote on September 25 2009 @ 10:50 pm: [report]
@ jsw: That’s the point I was trying to make. We usually don’t say that sort of thing ‘unprompted’. We pretty much kno how it effects a man’s ego, so we try to avoid it altogether.
soboba
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 12:37 am: [report]
I think its kind of obvious when a woman climaxes and would hope that the man she is with would notice. I hate being asked that question. I really want to tell them to get a clue.
C.Munro
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 03:57 am: [report]
Does any post-high-school-age guy still ask that question?
I agree with those who say the post-coupling interrogation comes off more as the guy searching for reassurance or an ego-feeding than as genuine interest in pleasing his mate.
It’s far better to tell her that you had a good experience, and hint that if she has any suggestions you’re open to them.
And just to be clear, I’m not bothered by No.4. Sometimes it really is true.
effing hickster
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 07:08 am: [report]
@C.Munro: Well, seeing as I didn’t technically lose my virginity until after high school….
Have any women ever had a guy say #4 to them? Frankly, I’ve had to say it a couple of times, despite my enjoyment of the act. Since orgasm and ejaculation tend to go together (not always), it’s a little harder for men to deny the proof.
C.Munro
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]
@effing hickster: That’s one of the few really nice things about using condoms. Faking O’s? Yeah, done that too.
And I apologize for getting a bit off-course here, but women tend to think that orgasms are automatic for men. Maybe for some guys, but not for me. I’ve got about a 1 in 3 chance of getting off when I get laid myself, so maybe that’s why I understand things like feeling pressured to have one, or being able to enjoy the act without the big finale.
I can’t help but think I’m not the only one like this.
writergirl
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
@eh: //Have any women ever had a guy say #4 to them? //
I think there are enough illustrations above to show that this question does get asked quite often.
In all fairness, I would say it is difficult for men to tell on occasion, based on the intensity of the orgasm. Or if she appears to be on the edge, then for whatever reason doesn’t go over, but he orgasms at that time. That’s generally when I get asked, if I don’t make it known.
_jsw_
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 11:59 am: [report]
@writergirl: I’m not sure if you misunderstood; eh was asking if women have had men tell them that they (the men) enjoyed sex even though they (the men) did not climax.
As with the other men posting here, I’ve not finished, and I’ve mentioned that I enjoyed it anyway (which was true) and I’ve also faked it (as C.Munro pointed out, condoms make that possible) to avoid the question.
kast0135
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 12:12 pm: [report]
Once, after my boyfriend called me pretty, I said something along the lines of, “you’re quite pretty yourself.” I then realized what I said, made a face, and he responded with, “you know, we actually prefer handsome. No, make that ruggedly handsome.” We both had a good laugh at that.
writergirl
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]
@jsw—right. I flipped the answer with the question.
I swear, despite evidence to the contrary, I’m not an idiot.
LunaLena
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]
Just a random thought… I’ve never been asked if I climaxed, nor have I ever had to fake it, so I don’t know if this is a good idea, but perhaps one way one could answer is “You have to ASK???”
C.Munro
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
@LunaLena: Yes. It is much better to make a man feel stupid than sexually inadequate. And I say that as real advice, without a hint of sarcasm.
effing hickster
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]
@C.Munro: Nothing like feeling stupid AND sexually inadequate.
As for the women faking it thing, it’s sometimes the reason why I don’t climax. I’m so bemused and entertained by the whole act that I forget what it is I’m doing. Please just be natural, whether you have an orgasm or not.
roastchicken
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 03:18 pm: [report]
@ effing: Most of us are VERY good at putting on Oscar worthy performances. Ever thought that the reason she was so bad at faking it, was because she wanted you to know she wasn’t enjoying it?
effing hickster
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 03:32 pm: [report]
@roastchicken: I’m not THAT bad. I’m an artist. Always poor, sometimes temperamental (unpredictable, not angry), and quite liberal in my views. If the sex stank too, there would be no reason to hang around.
roastchicken
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 05:49 pm: [report]
@ effing: One would think you would WANT to stick around to at least TRY and please your partner. If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.
_jsw_
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 06:05 pm: [report]
@roastchicken: I think his point was that if he were bad at sex, he’d not have a lot going for him. I disagree, but that was his point.
effing hickster
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 06:33 pm: [report]
@roastchicken: I meant to say, “there would be no reason to hang around ME.”
Forgive me if I’m mistaken, but it seems from your last few posts that you feel: a) most men tend to suck in bed, and b) most men get pouty if you tell the truth about it.
I don’t know, but faking it because she wasn’t enjoying it sounds about as productive as jumping out of your car to hug and shake the person’s hand who just rear-ended you in traffic.
I’m no Superman, and far from being a Casanova, but after the first couple of experiences with women who faked orgasm, I’ve learned to ask questions and learn from my mistakes.
Still, I realize I am not perfect. There may be a lot of doofuses out there, but not every single man is one. Some of us do try to problem solve.
luke15chick
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 08:57 am: [report]
ok, so thanks to the guys on here, i tried using ruggedly handsome on my bf and I got lol, i shaved this morning. then i had to explain i had heard that guys like that. not so good. i think compliments are more individualistic.
brandyalexander
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 09:05 am: [report]
From RoastChicken “Ever thought that the reason she was so bad at faking it, was because she wanted you to know she wasn’t enjoying it?”
Good lord, could it ever be so bad that I would fake an orgasm in an obvious way to make him feel bad about himself? Holy passive aggression.
For the record, I’ve never faked it… why would I do that? Its against my best interests.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]
Are you really writing that people don’t realise that men are sensitive?! The myth that women are generally the more sensitive sex is incorrect. Sure, there are differences in every set of people but men may not come out and say it but they get upset about the teeniest, tiniest things (especially when it comes to sex) that women wouldn’t even notice.
It is time for the myths surrounding the sexes to be debunked.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]
1. Don’t make comments about the body of others. Why do people think it’s “ok” to say things like “you’ve lost weight, you look great!” or “You look so thin, you look great!” I NEVER mention a person’s weight or their appearance that they cannot change - such as weight, eyes, tattoos, etc. etc. Yes, I know one can “change” those things but for the slow readers out there, I am referring to the BODY. If I compliment a person, I say, “Wow, I really like that shirt/blouse or those trousers, shoes, etc. etc.” There is no need to comment on another’s body. One never knows how it is taken.
2. “You’re not like my old boyfriend.” If a man (boy) is self-absorbed and most likely depressed and takes that comment as anything other than a compliment, then he should be thanking his lucky stars every single night that he even has a woman and from the sound of it, one who is way too “together” for his childish self.
Have you ever been around those types of people who turn EVERYTHING into an insult? That is what we’re talking here.
If a man were to say “you’re not like my old girlfriend” and the evidence before the woman receiving that piece of information is that he has been kind, respectful and showed love to her then only a moron would take that statement as anything other than “This relationship is different AND better.”
Also, and this is the BIG ONE - NOT EVERYONE IS THE SAME so enough with the “this is what guys are like” or “this is what women are like” or whatever blanket cliche/stereotype a person can come out with.
I have travelled the world and been around people of all walks of life and I can tell you that the only ones who fit into that proverbial “box” are those who choose to do so AND those who are so afraid of being who they are that these blanket lists and statements DO apply.
The most interesting people - those intelligent sorts who are self-aware - don’t fall into any categories and we should all be the more thankful that they exist.
Be who you are and you won’t see insults that don’t exist.
AND, if you don’t feel the way you know is how you ought to be feeling in a relationship, then find a different one.
majicksand
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 11:59 am: [report]
If the guy I was with wasn’t getting me there, I just jumped in and helped. Unless it’s a matter of, “oh for God’s sake, just let me do it!”, they didn’t tend to mind. As a rule, being more involved in the sexual process is a good thing.
My husband has no problem getting me there, but sometimes he wants me to do it myself, so we can get off at the same time. It’s rather erotic actually.
draymond
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 02:50 pm: [report]
I will add this though. I would FAR rather hear number 4 than a fake orgasm., OK?
If you have to say anything at all, then it depends on where you are in the relationship. If this is someone new enough that you aren’t ready to get into the details just blame yourself and say that if your mood isn’t exactly perfect then it doesn’t matter what he did. If you are further along then suggest that next time he might use his fingertips more gently or with more lubrication or whatever. Most hurt feelings will be minimal because you used the magic words ‘next time’.
secretsquirrel
wrote on September 29 2009 @ 06:07 am: [report]
I’m with majicksand. I know I only cum with clit stimulation. Period. So I have my clit vibe and ask if that’s ok and get off with a man and it makes me a happy girl. If I choose not to be proactive in the bedroom, it is my own fault for the lack of orgasm. If a man asks, I am honest. I say no because I’m like the majority of the other women out there who need that sort of stimulation. If it affects their ego, that’s on THEM. Reality is reality.
roastchicken
wrote on September 29 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
@ brandyalexander: I’ve never ‘faked an orgasm in an obvious way’. I was being facetious when I said that.
But have I faked orgasms before to save someone from having their feelings hurt? Yes.
remembercedricdiggory
wrote on September 29 2009 @ 06:57 pm: [report]
@posirca; ...What? They’re definitely not insults…
alpikann
wrote on September 29 2009 @ 10:12 pm: [report]
i wasn’t under the impression that it bothered my ex but he would ask me straight out did i or didn’t i come. sometimes i multipled and sometimes i got nothing, so i always thought that he got that there were other factors involved.
i also called him pretty all the time and i told other people in front of him. but he was really pretty and i never thought anything of it until someone reacted in shock. he said he didn’t care but sometimes after i called him pretty he’d call me his handsome girlfriend. that was followed but laughter so i thought it was goodnatured teasing.
lareinedeslames
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 02:47 am: [report]
You know, I’ve never faked an orgasm at all, obvious or not. And it’s not because I’ve always had stellar sex partners, either. I learned how to “force” myself to orgasm, because I didn’t want someone to feel bad about being a bad lay, and there was really nothing I could do to improve the situation. It’s actually a pretty valuable skill, I’ve found.
#3: I tend to be attracted to “very thin” guys… I’m not entirely sure why, but I almost never find myself lusting after muscular men, or stocky men. (actually, I know part of the reason: my brother is built like an ox, and that would just be too weird).
#1: I just try to avoid comments about previous relationships as much as possible. Unless I’m directly asked, in which case I never talk about sex, and always focus on the positives of my current relationship, rather than harping on the negatives of my old one… if that makes sense.
CJ1432
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 07:54 pm: [report]
I had boyfriend ask me once if I liked it better when he was clean shaven or stubbly. I said I liked when he was clean shaved because he was soft and smooth, and also when he was stubbly because he looked rugged. He didn’t shave much after that and I wondered why since I liked it both ways. I thought maybe he was just lazy with it, no I think I really know why.
Ozymandias
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 10:06 am: [report]
Some of the women on here are ca-razy.
Derekj123
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:40 pm: [report]
#1 and #4 are classic! lol
butters84
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 05:14 pm: [report]
You want a guy to be more attentive and confident in bed, just act as though you are obsessed with his penis. Don’t compare it to others you seen (or had contact with). Just have a smile on your face and give a good comment about it here and there. Even after sex, make as though you can’t keep your hand off it. It’ll pay off exponentially.
Iammina
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 06:16 pm: [report]
A woman would have to be a drooling idiot to say any of those things to a guy.
If I don’t have an orgasm there would not be another date. That dude is history. Why go to all the bother of taking off my panties if sex with that person is not pleasurable. I could be doing something more productive like posting comments on frisky.
A hint to all the guys out there; if you make sex pleasurable for a woman she will want you more. There is nothing worse than a sexually frustrated female.
butters84
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 06:43 pm: [report]
“THere is nothing worse than a sexually frustrated woman.”
Yeah, I’m getting that feeling…
But I love this “women aren’t women unless they are like me” that I come across so much. I’ve known women who don’t need to orgasm to be satisfied. But let me guess, you’re going to say I was duped, right?
Right…
IronSatan
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 08:43 pm: [report]
Honestly sex is a trip the whole point is to get to the destination and have fun there, if the trip is fun the destination is that much better, but if the trip sucks then theres not much point in traveling that far, and if u never get where u are going then y are u even driving?
I currently have a girl that has thrown me for a loop. I have heard….generally in horror stories from other guys, that there are women out there that just don’t orgasm…and I laughed at them thinking well that just is cause u cant use your tool right, I have women screaming my name every time I have sex.
When I myself and my current girl first had sex I was dismayed to not hear my name at all and almost had to make sure she wasn’t in pain (cause i of course assume I am hung like a horse, let me keep my fantasy). When I learned she had never come before during sex i panicked and tried everything in my arsenal of woman-sexing techniques and not a single one brought forth the desired moaning. When we had finished (meaning i came and collapsed) she told me she loved it and begged for more in the future. I was puzzled beyond belief, over the next couple of times she has blown my mind and I have yet to get her to orgasm however not once have I heard her complain.
I am now a believer that women can survive without orgasms on rare occasion, men however would shrivel up and cease to exist if we didn’t get them….either that or our testicles would super-nova from the build up of blood. It pretty much on the same level of primal needs as eating and sleeping,Of course I don’t speak for all guys but I think the adverse is a rare anomaly, For some reason its not on that level with alot of women and I guess its just another difference between us.
Tzel
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 03:33 pm: [report]
on the topic of #4, there are plenty other ways to get your girl to have an orgasm. even if you’ve got the stamina of a cart horse and can keep going for hours upon hours upon hours, it may not be the best way to go about it.
for my girlfriend and I - she has an orgasm about half the time we have sex. if she didn’t have an orgasm, she’s probably still pretty wound up from the sex itself and I’ll do down on her until she does. an extra 10 minutes or so well invested, says I, and it works about 90% of the time.
now, I’m incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful (and easy to please) girlfriend, and I fully admit to that, but I’ve learned that just because she didn’t have an orgasm from sex doesn’t mean that the fun has to stop there for the evening. (or morning, or afternoon, if you’re in the mood.)
i will agree with the other guys here that there is nothing worse than making us feel sexually inadequate, no matter how you might intend for the words to come out. perhaps something like, “It was really good, but I didn’t come. want to help me fix that?” and bat your eyes a bit. I guarantee your fellow will be volunteering right quick.
majicksand
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 03:55 pm: [report]
@tzel: I’ve been known to look at my husband and say, “that was great, but I’m not done yet.” Granted, in my situation that means I’ve only orgasmed 3 or 4 times, but that’s not the point. He’s been quite happy to provide 6 or 8 more anyway.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 04:05 pm: [report]
@majicksand: Are your orgasms still intense with that many? For me, after a certain number, they drop off in intensity. This relates to multiple orgasms within a very short period of time - if there is a longer gap of time between them, then that doesn’t apply.
majicksand
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 04:29 pm: [report]
@scrmom: Actually they happen one after the other and increase in intensity each time. During an extended session, I get “the one” that’s completely mindbending. After that one, they go back to “normal”. The difference between normal and mindblowing is moaning and writhing versus screaming and “visual completion”.
Yes, I do love my husband very, very much.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 04:41 pm: [report]
@majicksand: For me, the first is always mindbending, but then after that, they aren’t as intense. For whatever reason, the odd number ones are more intense than the even number ones but they get progressively less intense as the number increases. [This sounds like more of a math problem than a sexual discussion.]
Just shows how women are different! And yes, I do love my husband very, very much too!
Iammina
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 05:08 pm: [report]
In all fairness, I was not attacking the males in my above comment. Good sex is a fifty-fifty partnership and some women just don’t enjoy sex and are unable to have orgasms for psychological or physical reasons. However, most of us do like it and have a healthy desire for sex. The idea for sex begins in the brain and then the brain tells the body what to do. Naturally if a woman is upset, worried or scared it will impair a woman’s ability to concentrate on having an orgasm. It seems to me that a guy has it much easier they to always be ready and eager for sex, and it doesn’t take them as long to have an orgasm as a woman. For example, what is it about watching me load a dishwasher that turns my husband on? I want to clean up the kitchen and he wants to got to bed at 6:00 pm. I might be willing but it is going to take longer to get me in the mood once we are there because I am worried about leaving my kitchen in a mess.
cooldad
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 05:37 pm: [report]
Go down on the woman first until she has an orgasm. Seems to always work. No faking, no questions. She feels good. I feel good
Tracy
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 02:31 pm: [report]
There’s a trick I’ve used many times and it’s never failed to generate a positive response, and nor has it ever offended. If I haven’t climaxed from intercourse, and have wanted continued attention to achieve that end, I’ve said “Why don’t you help me…” whilst taking his hand and guiding it where I’ve wanted it. This gesture has, in fact, often resulted in “round two” which, following his initial satisfaction, has invariably lasted long enough for me to have at least one orgasm.
vegan_eskimo
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 05:01 pm: [report]
My husband would be completely offened if I ever bought him pj’s or boxers that weren’t size LARGE!
Lucas Hardeman
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 09:33 am: [report]
The whole point being, ladies, don’t say anything negative, unless it’s how much sex sucked until we entered your lives.
Penises are not rocket science, and the nerve endings attached to those penii which eventually lead up to our very human, emotionally vulnerable brain, are easier to soothe and excite than these rules make it seem.
Cater to our ego, and everything will be hunky-dory.
ELLE0813
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 10:27 am: [report]
With the whole #4 thing, women freaking hate that question, my husband always asks me that and sometimes I don’t orgasm. Not because the sex wasn’t good but because it’s a mind thing for us women most of the time and i just wasn’t “in the zone”. I will tell you though, one quick way around this problem all together, at least in my experience, is to get oral first. I always orgasm with oral sex, usually very intensely and there is no faking that! The big O is outta the way, hubby is super excited to get in and everyone is happy. No questions asked!
chronicthinkr
wrote on October 27 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
i get tired of reading articles and comments on this site because they regularly make the same assumptions and lump every man/woman into categories… so tired of comments in which they start, men are/say/do this… as if everyone of us is exactly the same. I try to avoid lumping all woman together because i know a lot of different types of woman, and while they might have similar feelings about something, say loving the ‘Twilight’ series, I do know some woman who don’t.
But the posts about “men are so sensitive about sex or their penis” yeah, and what is the first line of attack for woman when they want to put a man down, he’s a lousy lay or he has a little dick, gee why might men then not want to hear anything along those lines?? I think its silly if your man can’t take advice in bed, I consider myself to be an above average lover(based on what I’m told) but thats because I do want to hear what she wants/likes, and I also like foreplay and cunnilingus, and most woman really appreciate that.
If you don’t want to hear that she didn’t get off, then don’t ask, because if you have to ask, you probably lack the skill or knowledge to get most woman off, at least until you do the smart thing and ask her what to do. You ladies know better than I that you are not all alike, some woman cum from straight intercourse, but most need serious foreplay before hand to prime the pump, so to speak, and some woman will not cum at all if they do not have some sort of emotional attachment to you. They just can’t get their body and mind on the same page, but I think that’s fairly rare in woman who are sexually confident or experienced.
But beyond all that, yes a lot of men don’t like to be called sensitive within ear shot of other men because the cave man in us wants to be tough, and its hard for most guys to see themselves as both sensitive and tough, but it doesn’t bother me because I know there is a time to be tough and a time to be sensitive, and they generally don’t overlap. The issue for the men that this article seems to speak of is that they lack self-esteem and or self confidence. If your girl is complimenting you and says you’re cute, better than her last BF whatever, see that it was complimentary and say thanks. If you would prefer not to be called sensitive in public, make a note of that to her after saying thanks, but don’t tell anyone, with a wink.
As a guy who has always been on the skinny side,at least my upper body, I knew it so I never had a problem when a girl noted that I was skinny, of course some of us men can confuse that with weak. But when those same girls who said I was skinny found themselves being tossed around on the bed or wrestling around with me and they say something like “wow, I didn’t realize how strong you were” you feel like the man, but you also realize that they thought you were weak because you don’t have rippling muscles, at least not that they can see through your clothes. I played sports my whole life, I have always been stronger than people thought, and more then a few men have been put in their place when they tried to punk me, so why should i get upset when a woman underestimates my strength for the same reason??
Learn to be confident in your self, and you won’t take things so persoanlly, that goes for both sexes.
ootie grl
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 03:54 pm: [report]
I called a guy sensative once and OMG, did he freak out. I didnt meen it as a bad thing. I didnt know being sensative was so offensive to a guy.
jenergy
wrote on October 28 2009 @ 05:04 pm: [report]
@IronSatan: women not orgasming probably has very little to do w/ the use of a dude’s “tool” at all. in fact, dudes’ obsession w/, and reliance on, their tools during sex is what KEEPS me from climaxing, because i do not come from intercourse. in fact, over 3/4 of women do not come from intercourse, and guys who argue that fact are being regularly faked at in bed.
here’s the scientific reason that intercourse =/= orgasm for most women: if we had the nerve endings necessary to facilitate orgasm in our vaginal canals, giving birth would be so painful, it would be impossible. that’s why the clitoris exists: it is biology’s way of making sure women can have orgasms (and, thus, stay interested in sex) whilst still being able to function as childbearers.
i only ever come from clit stimulation, and i’m consistently frustrated by men’s lack of sensitivity to this biological fact of female life, and w/ their rush to get to intercourse. think about it this way: the clit is basically a tiny version of the head of your penis. can you imagine reaching orgasm w/o having your dickhead stimulated? you can’t? hm…
don’t neglect the clit, fellas! for most women, it’s the magic button that opens the door to future sexual episodes. give your “tool” a break, and gimme some fingers and tongue.
lareinedeslames
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:56 am: [report]
@jenergy: there is no scientifically proven reason why women have clitorises, honestly.
I don’t personally enjoy receiving oral. I orgasm much more powerfully from intercourse/penetration than from clitoral stimulation. Every women is different.
And women DO orgasm from intercourse when their clitoris is being stimulated. It’s a question of technique.
While I understand your frustration, look at it from my (and the women out there like me) point of view: guys are frequently in a rush to tell me how awesome they are at going down, and I’m frankly not particularly interested. Then they go on to insist that I’ve never had “good” oral sex. And then they get upset when I don’t get mushy and excited.
to quote Monty Python’s The Life of Brian: We’re all individuals!
develange
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 06:37 am: [report]
scientific reason women have clitorises : when she sees the guy having an orgasm, she thinks, “uh, HEY, I want one of those.” So her clit gives her one.
majicksand
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 08:10 am: [report]
@lareinedeslames: I have personally conducted lots and lots of, ahem, “scientific experiments” as to why I have a clitoris over the past twenty years. I assure you there is a reason for it. Thankfully, my husband concurs! :cool:
majicksand
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 08:11 am: [report]
oops. That should have been
lareinedeslames
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 01:59 am: [report]
@majicksand: ha ha ha. I have conducted lots of “scientific experiments” to prove that my breasts are the perfect size and shape for groping.
..the government wouldn’t fund me. :(
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 02:15 am: [report]
@lareinedeslames: Have I got a lobby for you…I just started “Groping for a cure”. I personally test you for breast cancer while reporting my finding directly to the AMA and congress. Join today!
lareinedeslames
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 05:05 am: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse: Orly? I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on my breast cancer awareness… (ha! get it?) but in the interests of promoting awareness and your lobby, I will join.
majicksand
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]
I was going to suggest filming or photographing your experiments. Then you can call it performance art. You’d get a grant for sure.