Take An Alternate Dating Route From Michelle Obama, Says Blogger
Posted by: Annika Harris
Filed in:
relationships
12:00PM, Wednesday June 17th 2009
Single women can learn a lot about dating from Michelle Obama, but one guy advises black women to take a different route than Michelle did, before another man passes them by. Most of his advice is logical. Some of it, I have to admit, I’m not ready to hear and probably never will be.
The Advice That Gels With My Dating Perspective
Even though Barack and Michelle Obama represent the quintessential black couple, it’s unfair to compare every regular guy to the president. No man will ever be able to fill his living-legend shoes. And while we’re at it, let’s stop comparing Barack to regular black men. He may seem like the dedicated and doting husband, but he also had a playa past, which Michelle had to forgive. Swerdlick also says that women have to have something more to offer than a master’s degree and a flexible body. Now if only someone could tell me how to stop comparing guys to my ex and I’ll be set.
The Advice That Strikes A Nerve With My Dating Perspective
Swedlick writes that women should “stop looking at his checkbook and start updating [their] playbook.” While marrying for money is something that’s frowned upon, no woman should be so brain dead that she doesn’t take into account a man’s finances before dating him, especially if she wants to settle down. That would be like diving into an empty pool blindfolded. He also suggests that if a woman has a five-year plan to getting a three-karat engagement ring and a summer home on the beach, then she has to keep her true motives to herself or the guy will flee. Hmm, whatever happened to finding someone whose goals are similar to your own?
Like Swerdlick, my mother has advised me that I have to kiss a few frogs before I find my “prince.” Basically, women can’t brush off a potential mate because he has a few unattractive traits, likes, or hobbies. But no one should ever tell a woman she can fix up or change a man. If it were possible to make a guy do, say, and act in the ways we want him to, then we wouldn’t need any dating advice at all. I, for one, don’t want a project or a fixer-upper boyfriend. I want someone who will enrich my life, even when we disagree.
I realize I’ll probably get a lot of flack for what I’m about to say next. And I realize a lot of this probably has more to do with my issues than anything else, but here goes… Swerdlick says black women should start dating white, Asian, and Latino men because “black women hoping for a monopoly on black men have to realize that they’re like General Motors in a Toyota world—either develop your own hybrid technology or prepare to go out of business.” So basically, I have to start dating outside my race because I’m not up-to-date enough to compete with all the other women vying for the attention of black men? Well, that’s not going to happen because I’ve had way too many experiences with men of other races making assumptions about my sexual prowess because I’m black for me to trust their advances. Also, I still believe in the black family that consists of a black wife/mother with a black husband/father and know that some of my other beliefs would be in a head-on collision with an interracial relationship. This doesn’t mean I’ll judge anyone who has tried interracial dating or is considering it. It’s just not something I would do myself.
This advice from Swerdlick, like a lot of dating advice, isn’t one size fits all. But he does make some valid points amidst the bull. However, I caution against fully adopting his dating game plan because every game has a loser.
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CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
Interracial babies are adorable.
Shasta
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]
Huh? Just who is this Swerdick anyhow?
I’m white and live in Chicago and gotta tell you, we white girls have it easssy compared to the sistas.
This is actually a very serious and very touchy topic that shouldn’t be treated like an episode of the “Bachelor.”
There are societal issues at work that have nothing to do with a girl’s “playbook”. Educated black women shouldn’t have to settle or have to marry outside of their race.
Annika, don’t apologize. Theew are plenty of women/people who will only marry Catholic or Jewish or whatever. Marriage shouldn’t be about making a point.
WTF?
nthomas00
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
Barack Obama? A playa past? Now who would have thought that?
-Nikki-
1 dollar ebooks
subpar
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 01:47 pm: [report]
You should never force yourself to date someone because of their race. I’m biracial, but I’ve only dated white guys. I’m not going to veer torwards someone just for the sake of dating outside the box. Everyone has a type, race usually plays a role in that. Besides, my (black) mom obviously digs white guys, so maybe I got it from her?
Lynn
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 03:08 pm: [report]
I don’t think you’re wrong for saying you don’t ever want to date outside of your race - you tried it, and you have experiences and reasons to back up the decision you’ve made. Sure, not every white guy or asian guy or indian guy will treat you like the guys in your past did, but you’ve experienced enough of them to know that you don’t want to waste your time taking that chance again. And that’s OK.
The only thing I found really weird about what you said was that you still believe in the “black family.” What?
kmatter
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 09:30 pm: [report]
i think it was a little ridiculous to point out the dating outside of one’s race bit… at least from where i am and what i’ve seen, it doesn’t seem to be a huge problem. my boyfriend is half mexican… but you’d never know unless he told you. i always thought it’d be much more interesting to date a guy who wasn’t white. (just coming from me, a white girl)
canadiancutie
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 09:31 pm: [report]
subpar, my own story goes a little something like this: “I’m biracial, but I’ve only dated white guys. I’m not going to veer torwards someone just for the sake of dating outside the box. Everyone has a type, race usually plays a role in that. Besides, my (black) mom obviously digs white guys, so maybe I got it from her?”
LOL. No, you can’t force yourself to change what you like. But I do think we women in general would be happier if we just dated more like men and just went for attractive, kind members of the opposite sex who are willing to date us. I think that, in general, is probably the most efficient path to happiness.
canadiancutie
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 09:34 pm: [report]
“The only thing I found really weird about what you said was that you still believe in the “black family.” What?”
Lynn, what she means is that the nuclear family unit within the black community is basically becoming a myth, a pipe dream. She’s saying no matter how statistically insignificant it’s becoming, it’s still what she’s after. I’m saying she’s nuts because there aren’t enough black men in the U.S. in ratio to black women PLUS they’re the most likely to be in prison. And that’s taking out all the other factors (do we have a lot in common? Do we share similar values and goals? Would my mom like him? Is he healthy/am I attracted to him?).
No offense, Annika, but I think black women like you are just straight-up nuts. And will probably die alone (once again, no offense. Just my opinion).
thierry3
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:15 am: [report]
I am a black professional woman. I date everyone irregardless of race. I understand Annika’s point though. On a number of occasions I have dated white men and they have made aggressive and sometimes lewd advances towards me. I think it is due to my race because in american culture black women have either been oversexualized by the media or thought of as a mammy. Since I am young and attractive I can’t help but think it is the former in my case. It is a real turn off.
Lynn
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 03:06 pm: [report]
@canadiancutie - I knew what she meant, about believing in a black nuclear family, but my “what” was more shock. I believe in happy families, but when I think of my ideal future family, the race of my husband/children isn’t a factor and marrying another white person isn’t really a “dream” or goal of mine.
Lynn
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
...and I guess I was surprised to see it laid out like that, in terms of race, by someone. Like she doesn’t believe in having a happy family with an Asian guy or a Hispanic guy, etc.
Annika Harris
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 08:35 am: [report]
@Lynn I think I laid out my whole feeling about dating outside my race, so I can’t see why you’re shocked that I would want a black husband.
@canadiancutie Thanks for explaining accurately my “black family” comment, but whoa on me dying alone. Sure the odds are stacked against me, but anything worth having isn’t acquired easily. I’ve had luck in dating black men who are on my level, so I remain optimistic. And living in one of the greatest cities in the world makes my chances even greater. Your comment sounds a lot like Swerdlick’s black women/auto company metaphor.
marirene
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 08:51 am: [report]
I am slightly confused… Would Obama and his family be a “black family” when he himself is mixed? This is an issue that I struggle with when it comes to my son… My husband sees our son as Black and I see him as American. I know I seem naive but unless we stop this us versus them feelings will we ever really evolve? I am just as proud as my grandparents who came here from Germany, Ireland and Czechoslovakia within the last sixty years and want to foster that as I am of my husband’s family but would like our son to celebrate all sides of that regardless of whom he chooses to marry.