The Four Most Common Excuses for Staying Friends with Your Ex

Arty
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 02:58 pm: [report]

How about this? My ex and I make much better friends than we did partners. Just because we still hang out doesn’t mean there are any “false hopes” lingering. I hate that every article out there seems to think that because we’re still friends, that means one or both of us really wants something more.

WinkyFace
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 03:01 pm: [report]

Amen, Arty. For a second there, I started feeling bad that I’m still such good friends with my most recent ex. But then I realized that we probably shouldn’t have ever gotten romantically involved in the first place, and we were mean to just be friends.

Capriccio72
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]

I’d like to add one more reason why it generally isn’t good to keep friendships with exes;  Looking towards the future, this can have a detrimental affect (or be another obstacle for the “new love”) on subsequent serious relationships.

prometheus
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 03:08 pm: [report]

Spot on. Works both ways too. The nicest, most sincere guys can enter a world of turmoil by trying to be ‘fair’ and caring for their ex’s while half-heartedly attempting to be friends. You want to be the nice guy… the one to do the right thing. You loved that person and it kills you to coldly turn off. The right thing is to know when to fold ‘em and move on. Never easy.

There really are very few benefits for remaining friends after an intense relationship. It almost always spells disaster. The temptation to stick with the comfort of endlessly reconciling is ultimately unhealthy for both.

For some, telling your ex that because you were (best) friends in the relationship, it’s a signal that you should be friends post-breakup. While the intentions may be good, it’s slightly manipulative.

People move on in their own way, and it may very well be painful for some, transitioning to a friendship so soon.

sam04
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 04:50 pm: [report]

I’m currently experiencing #3.  It sucks.  He broke up with me.  I was surprisingly okay with that because our relationship had been completely toxic the last few years.  He panicked and tried to take it all back.  Four months later, I’ve told him repeatedly that I don’t want to get back together but he just won’t let it go.  I don’t want to be nasty but I get tired of all the phone calls, texts and emails.  I don’t necessarily use “let’s be friends” as a cushion, I just don’t have the heart to tell him to get lost.

Lynn
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 05:06 pm: [report]

I’m with arty. This article is a bunch of BS. I’m *sure* that there are people out there who remain “friends” for a variety of reasons. But I’m friends with an ex and it’s for none of those reasons.

We’ve been friends for 4-5 years. We dated for a couple months in the middle there. We were friends before, then we thought a relationship would work and it clearly wasn’t a good idea. We had a period where we didn’t see each other so we could get digest it, but then we were back to being friends and it is FINE. We go on double dates, we hang out when he comes back in town, and we are friends just like we were before we ever dated. That “but there’s physical attraction” BS doesn’t fly, either - obviously we tried it out and it didn’t work. I think it’s a lot more F’d up to be friends with a guy you WANT to get with while you’re dating someone else. I’ve already been with that guy and it wasn’t something we wanted to continue. Been there, done that, kind of thing. Now there’s none of that “what if” nonsense floating around our friendship. We *know* the what ifs already. And we didn’t like the what ifs. So we stopped the what ifs.

But yeah, I’ll conceed to the fact that it complicates future relationships. My current BF and I had quite a fight about this the other night, actually. He can’t understand how anyone can be friends. He’s convinced one of us is still “hanging on” too.

I’m not saying that every relationship can end in a friendship. But just because it does doesn’t mean it’s unhealthy or that someone is hanging on. It’s a case-by-case basis.

Lynn
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 05:08 pm: [report]

That was a super long comment. Remnants from the fight with BF, no doubt

prometheus
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 05:23 pm: [report]

The article’s fine. It’s a helluva lot easier to be friends when the now-broken relationship hasn’t taken you through the mill. I’m a proponent of the theory that enough time has to pass before a friendship is possible. Let the emotions die down and sort yourself out.

If in 6 months or a year, you’re ready to look them in the eye without crumbling and having it all come back, you’re over the worst.

I could not imagine going from an intense relationship to sitting with my ex, discussing who we’re dating, or acting like there’s no physical/mental heartache still brewing etc. The relationship may have gone kaput, but the emotions are still there. I’m not really over it. And unfortunately, because I’m such a spineless willy, I can’t bring myself to meet anyone else (yet). Major guilt.

I know full well I’m denying myself opportunities, whilst wallowing in a sorry state of mind. I also don’t buy the ‘go be with someone to get over someone’ solution either.

landesign
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 06:42 pm: [report]

Number two. Almost blew our relationship away. Two years
with my girlfriend, sometimes living with her, sometimes not as I purchased a home for business,only to find out that she was constantly talking long distance with a former
lover who she used to jet off to meet every now and then
before meeting me. In the days we were apart I had no idea if she went to see him or if he had come to town for a couple of days. She had to have an insurance relationship.
I promptly blew my stack and left, and had a one night stand.
Long story short, my girlfriend called him and told him goodbye while I sat there.
I rationalized it off to a single woman, thirties, protecting herself, afraid to commit.
I married her. She turned out to be the nicest, most caring
woman I could ever meet.

Pipi
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 06:51 pm: [report]

Me and my ex were fine with each other as friends. We both moved on and had different relationships. But then he started talking about wanting to get back together and then we started having sexy time and #&@$% went to hell. I have become jealous of a girl who STALKED ME because he was I dont know having sexy time with her too and now I think I am hanging on because I am hoping we will actually get back together at some point.

But I am still looking for new people and believe things happen for a reason and happen when they are suppose to. So maybe when we are both looking for the same thing we will look to each other again.

IAMME
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 07:07 pm: [report]

I am friends with a few of my exes, and am on speaking terms with all but two of them.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with it.

My ex-husband just broke up with his gf, she is certifiable….and I am not jsut saying this, she is being charged criminally bc of what happened during their breakup (it involved our children.) Because of all of that, the order of protection, the charges, ect. my ex and I have been talking almost everyday lately, I have even joked about the fact that I talk to him more now than I did when I was married to him, but we have kids so IMO we have to be friends (or at least fake it).

SummerLane
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 09:09 pm: [report]

My ex and I had a very refreshing 40 minute telephone conversation tonight, about our past relationship and where we went wrong. We have two kids and have been apart for about a year now. We got married for all the wrong reasons and were honestly a horrible match for one another! But we make great friends and supports for one another. Neither of us have any interest in getting back together as we were never really “in love” in the first place. And I think that the friendship we have now is going to help our children be healthy and well adjusted as they grow up. It’s no good for them to feel hostility between the two people they love the most.

rsonnack
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 10:07 pm: [report]

Don’t try to remain friends with your ex if your ex is a psycho bitch. Like, oh, i don’t know, say my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Trying to remain friends with her might piss off your current girlfriend when the ex calls you at 3 in the morning to say that she’s horny and misses the two of you together. Just sayin’.

og217
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 05:29 am: [report]

Call me old fashioned, but I see no reason to hang out with exes, and never dated the guys with a herd of ambiguously titled “female friends” consisting of exes, hook ups, wanna-be girlfriends or whatnot.  It’s unnecessary, overly dramatic, and awkward.  And mostly, I don’t need to, or have time for that nonsense.  There is one guy I dated who is in my largest social circle (that being the 500 people I know by sight and can run into with a requirement to say hello) but I am not friends with him.  Friends are friends, and exes are exes.  I have never seen a situation in which 2 exes went on a double date with their significant other and all 4 people involved were comfortable and happy to be there.  Someone is always annoyed, jealous, resentful, catty, or defensive and it’s just not worth the trouble.  What’s the point, to show everyone how mature you are?

Titi
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 08:13 am: [report]

I’m with Arty and Lynn. I thought the article was very closed-minded and immature.
I always establish a friendship before a relationship. If I date a guy, it’s because I think he’s really cool. Sometimes the romantic aspects of the relationship just don’t work out. Friendships are entirely possible—not directly after the break-up, though (6 months to a year has been a good waiting period for me). I would never consider dating a guy who would have a problem with the fact that I have close friendships with several exes.

In fact, 3 of my closest friends were at one point serious boyfriends (one of whom I lived with for 5 years—who is now married to my best girlfriend). Even better, they’ve all become friends with my hubby, too. Yes, we go on double dates—and it’s fun. People do move on and grow up.

Pas Quotidienne
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 08:23 am: [report]

I think the article brings up good points, but they’re not universal.

I’m on speaking terms with all of my exes. I’d say that I’m honestly only good friends with two of them. And it isn’t to prove how mature I am or an insurance policy—it’s because when I met them we shared an interest or a personality quirk that made hanging out enjoyable. And I did the 6 month/1 year waiting period too, it was too awkward right after. The biggest problem now is that I get to see how immature they really are because they’re not afraid to open up to me, and they think because I understand them that I make a good counselor. (I should start billing.)

On the flip side, I dated a guy last year who flipped at the idea that I was friends (or friendly) with any of them—“Once it’s over, it’s over.” And who asked if we could still be friends after everything was over?

That’s right. (Somewhere between #2 and #3 for him…) Yeah…that’s not happening.

prometheus
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 09:07 am: [report]

og217 told it like it is. well put!

and i hate to flog a dead horse here, but the bottom line is that there’s a reason people breakup. why on earth do you need to prove how wonderful you are by immediately establishing friendship? allow both partners the necessary time to breathe again and not be ‘back in it’.

and who the hell double-dates with their ex’s, like it’s a badge of honor?

my small handful of ex’s are gone. moved out of the country, married with kids, reincarnated as household furniture or sailed into the abyss. yes, if i ever saw them again, i’d be perfectly civil and i’d be happy to catch up. but i don’t know that i’d start an ongoing friendship.

and for ‘Titi’, is it not understandable that a decent guy would have a problem with some of your ex’s as close friends? it’s natural for a him to ponder why that is. you don’t have to discount them based on that alone.

he likes you. he wants you. but he wants you for himself. and unless he harbors major possessive/jealousy traits, he’s allowed these reservations - at least until he’s OK with trusting that it’s 100% platonic.

no guy wants to be thought of as merely the next ‘soon-to-be-ex-but-still-friend’ right off the bat.

Arty
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]

Even though I’m still friends with my ex, I’m in agreement on the no double dating thing. I have no desire to meet my ex’s current girlfriend, which has been fine so far because she lives in another city. If I end up meeting her eventually, like if they decide to get married or something, that’s one thing. But I don’t have any desire to hang out with her or become best girl buddies—not because she’s dating my ex, but because aside from dating my ex, we really have nothing in common.

katatomic_chaos
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 09:36 am: [report]

In my experience this article contains good advice for the months directly after a break-up.
I have never truly been able to be friendly until a good hiatus in communication post-breakup, and then a year or so later we were able to talk again.
I have never felt truely comfortable hanging out with them, at least not alone, especially out of respect for my current boyfriend.
I will also admit it is hard to not want to show off when I do talk to them, talk about how happy I am, how amazing my current boyfriend is (well…its not like I’m boasting he really is a major upgrade), etc.
In the end its a personal decsion, but I wouldn’t completely rule out friendships with exes because it can (imo) help you get past the bitterness and move on.

Lynn
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]

I guess I just cannot see the point in investing so much time and emotion into someone just to throw him away.

@promotheus & og217 - uh, no. The point isn’t to show our maturity or for a badge of honor. The point is that we’re friends. When any of my friends starts dating someone new, I like to meet that new person because s/he is important to my friend and therefore, someone I want to know. I assume that all my friends would like me to meet their significant others (once they are significant enough, of course). And I want all my friends to meet my boyfriend. Why should this friendship be any different? If my friendship with my ex *is* so different from any other friendship to the point where I would be uncomfortable meeting his new girlfriend, then I think that would mean I was still harboring feelings for him. And if I was, then that’s not a healthy friendship to begin with.

Don’t you meet the people your friends date?

bellarose
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 10:24 am: [report]

I actually live with one of my ex-boyfriends, unfortunatly I thought our relationships and the feelings were over when I decided to move in with him and his brother, because of course, I thought I was over it, it had been well over a year and we had both dated other people. We ended up getting together the first week we moved in together, but once that was out of our system it never happened again. I’m now in a great relationship and its been a difficult journey with my ex, but we have developed a great friendship. We go out once a week on a girl hunt and I help him find dates and get girls numbers, it’s actually really fun, I don’t get jelous, I just want him to be happy like I am. But I still get edgy when my girlfriends are around because no matter how much I don’t want to get back with him the absolute worst thing would be seeing one of my friends with my ex and roommate, which is probably a whole other issue…

og217
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 10:31 am: [report]

As previously stated, my friends are my friends.  My exes are my exes.  So while I may or may not meet my friends’ paretners, it’s really not important.  Not to me, not to them, not to anyone.  It is only a major, scheduled and anticipated event (once of course they’re important enough, ahem) when this meeting is with people who have no business meeting!  Someone mentioned that they would “never date a guy who wasn’t cool with my exes being my best friends.”  Interesting. You’d be willing to drop a guy who likes you and who could be The One for… another dude.  And this is the right thing to do?  I think it smacks of high school desperation to assert oneself as an “independant woman.”  The reality is that no one want to have their partner spend time and intimate closeness, such as pillow talk and late-night drinks where invariably someone ends up smashed, half-undressed and blubberng, in the other “friend’s” apartment.  And anyone who IS cool with that is either totally desperate and will put up with anything, or is just not that into you.  I know there is supposed to be this “enlightened, non-jealous, mature” category, but I think that’s a myth so that guys who are not that into you can still sleep with you and so that girls can continue to emotionally cheat on their boyfriends.  It’s not a sign of maturity to accumulate “friendships” with exes, its a sign of low self esteem and a need to be around people who you think find you somewhat attractive.

Oliveira
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]

I’ve been with someone for three years. Then I broke up—the relationship wasn’t working anymore. Half a year later we met again. It is a year and a half later now, and he’s my best friend.

Apologies to the article writer for having reality burst her bubble like that.

theattack
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 10:38 am: [report]

I agree with Titi and Lynn.

We were friends before we started dating, and I don’t see anything wrong with continuing a friendship after we dated. A waiting period is necessary for me, and I assume it probably is for everyone to recover enough to have a real friendship without it having romantic or wishful undertones.
After breaking my longest relationship, I was really pissed at my ex (for reasons that aren’t relevant here), and I refused to talk to him for months. When he did want to start a friendship again, I let him know firmly that nothing was going to come from it if that’s what he was expecting, and if he started wanting it again, we couldn’t continue a friendship. We set terms and agreements to our post-breakup friendship beforehand, and it works wonderfully for us. He’s one of my best friends again, and I am his, but neither of us have any expectations other than that. Works for us.

Humble Bee
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]

I just wanted to be friends with my ex because I was um, you know, kind of, how should I say this?.... needed some sexual healing. It totally backfired, I guess he was nervous because he couldn’t get it up. I was SO frustrated, all I wanted was to get laid so bad, and I mean bad! I was really mad and kept asking what was wrong with him? wtf, man. Then later I saw his sad face, and he said. You don’t know how long Iv’e been waiting for this, please, have some patience with me. I gave him 5 more minutes and nothing, so I just put my clothes back and said f*ck this #&@$%. I feel like I’ve been on a sex sabbatical, dammit. I don’t want to sleep with any random guy because what if its not worth it? (like my ex).
I don’t want to take that chance. I tried the friends with benefits thing, but someone is always going to still be in love. My girlfriends think i’m looking for a man, but really I’m just testing the waters for a decent f*ck buddy. lol. So lesson learned, don’t resort to exes for sex. Someone will get hurt or in my case annoyed.

jojo32
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]

I wouldnt call my relationship with my ex-husband a “friendship”.  But we do talk on the phone, we discuss if and/or who we are dating…because we have a daughter together and we share custody.  I will be meeting any woman he brings around her.  Just like I had no problem having him meet my current boyfriend. 

Somebody did mention it, and it’s definitely different when you have kids together.  You have to at least have a civil relationship.  I realize that is not possible with every person, but I dont want my daughter to grow up feeling like her mom and dad hate each other.  We dont, we get along fine, (most of the time) now that we are apart.  It’s better for us and we both know it. 

I dont like these blanket-statements either.  Every person and every relationship is different.  Be friends, dont be friends…Let the individual decide.

PS @ Humblebee - I did the “ex-sex” w/ the ex-hubby because I was just trying to get laid at the moment too.  It was actually good (as it always had been with him).  But it was too familiar, and caused me a bunch of unexpected and unwanted emotions.  Never did that again…

og217
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]

So, wait, sometimes these friendships work but sometimes they lead to sex and totally backfire.  Again, why bother?  And why bother dating anyone so complicated and involoved with exes?  I guess maybe this is an instance of like seeking like.  I don’t see any purpose of having my exes in my life and I chose a partner who’s of the same opinion.  If my husband was one to call and be like, “I ran into this woman I used to sleep with and we’re going to eat, so I’ll see ya” I would obviously not find that acceptable.  But then again, if I had a roster of guys I was hanging out with I’d find all sorts of reasons as to why that is perfectly fine, mature, normal, open-minded, healthy, bla bla bla.  We all do what we want to do and basically justify it, because otherwise we would not be able to do what we want to do, right?  I don’t want to deal with weird innuendos, mixed feelings, jealousies, ambiguity, nor do I want to impose that on my husband, or on my exes’ new partners.  I just like to keep things simple.  Some people thrive on complicated entanglements, and some are your basic relatives-friends-partner-colleague ones who like to have exact categories.

loveitlala
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 05:28 pm: [report]

Exactly… you shouldn’t be friends with your ex.  And you know how love makes you blind?  Those of you with exes for friends are still there.

loveitlala
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 05:42 pm: [report]

Damn og, you’re arguements are solid.  I completely agree, people who crave simplicity tend to not want to have extended contact with exes.  We’re all friends with certain people for a reason… whether that be for social reasons, common interests, or respect.  When it comes to an ex, generally there are a lot of CONS to continue a friendship.  That also means there need to be more PROS than CONS for it to be worthwhile.  That’s a dangerous amount of PROS in my opinion.

Titi
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 06:34 am: [report]

I feel like I should clarify…I can see why some people would be judgmental about my position that you CAN be friends with exes.
Every situation is different. The exes that I’m close with are guys whom I’ve known for many years and the [amicable]break-ups happened several years ago. I’ve known a few of my exes since high school(I’m almost 30), so we have long, established friendships—and yes, at some point, we dated.
@og217 I’ll explain, bear with me…it’s not as strange as it sounds.

I became friends with “Red” at age 14, we began dating and living together at 18, and broke up amicably at 23. We got along famously, had a great relationship, and loved the hell outta each other. Our groups of friends were totally integrated too. He was the most caring, respectful BF I could’ve imagined. Toward the end of the relationship, our sex life had fizzled—we loved each other very much, but were no longer gettin’ down. Our break-up was mutual—he wanted to get married & have kids, I did not. We just wanted different things. Above all, I wanted him to be happy. We tried to be friends right after the break up, and needless to say, it was too weird. So we agreed to not make plans to see each other. We’d run into each other occasionally and it was cool, but we didn’t hang out. After almost a year, we were back to being friends and hanging out.
He married my childhood BFF of a few years back—with my blessing. They’re perfect together. There’s no weird feelings—everything is very much in the past. We broke up over 6 years ago.

I’m now newly hitched My hubs is now friends with Red and his wife/my bff. Yes, we’ve all gotten together and had a blast. Red knows me better than anyone—we spent 5 years together and neither of us would be who we are today if it weren’t for the other. I know there are no lingering romantic feelings (I think of him like a brother), but we do respect each other immensely.
Now he’s married to a wonderful lady and they have a beautiful baby. They’re really good for each other, a far better match than he and I were. His wife and I have been “sisters” since childhood and I talk to her daily, just like I always have every day since 1995. She and I have always been there for each other. We’re practically family. And I know he’ll always treat her like a queen, because that’s the kind of guy he is. She deserves nothing less.
I know this is an unusual situation, but it’s fine with all of us. There aren’t any dramas, complications, or people trying to prove themselves. Just old friends enjoying each others’ company.
My good friend “Sven” is also my ex. In the 17 years we’ve known each other, we only dated for one year—and it wasn’t serious. It just didn’t work out. We broke up 5 yrs ago and remained good friends. Does one year of dating negate 17 years of being friends? I don’t think so, neither does he. We still hang out and have fun together. He’s still buds with my dad, too.

There are several other exes that I’m friends with, but these two examples might help to illustrate what I’m trying to say.

My point is this: men, even exes, are people too. I don’t consider a person to be disposable just because we dated. If I date a guy, it’s because I think he’s an awesome person. I’m incredibly picky about who I date. I respect the hell outta most of my exes because they’re good guys. Maybe I’d feel differently if they’d been bad boyfriends or we’d had bad break-ups. I’ve had exactly one bad boyfriend (when I was very young) and no, of course I’m not friends with him. 

I’m certainly not saying that everyone should be friends with their exes—I realize this wouldn’t work out for a lot of people. I’m just saying that it’s possible. Don’t judge.

retro chic
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 07:34 am: [report]

Wow. N°4 kinda nails me to the wall w/ my recently ended 5 yr relationship, but more in reverse. We were passionately involved first, then during the pauses were genuine friends.* The only thing that has changed this time is the death of my mother which has forced me to think of what I really want out of life with/out him, and in general. What do you do when you have invested so much and can’t imagine each other banished forever? Otoh, am I holding myself back by not cutting the cord altogether? Would genuinely appreciate any tips…

*Our On-Again, Off-Again dynamic: Passionate and emotional involvement so powerful, we had to pause just to regroup and absorb it all (we never fought or hated each other—just overwhelmed). Our “Off-again” friendship almost seems like the part of the relationship that got ignored during the “On-again” times, but allowed us to truly understand each other.

We are there for each other and both have a hard time going more than a couple days without talking. It feels unnatural. We feel we have earned this friendship cuz we’ve been thru so much and can have the comfort of knowing that someone knows you inside and out. Again, any insights are appreciated.

prometheus
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 09:33 am: [report]

Titi—Not since ‘Wuthering Heights’ have I been so moved. Also, why do people put aliases in quotation marks (as if some journalistic integrity forces them to protect peoples’ identity)? What are the chances anyone reading would know who they are by their real names?

“Holy cow! Honey, get over here. They’re talking about Tony! Yes, gotta be the same guy. No, really. Dark hair, walks with two legs, wore a blue shirt and visited Aspen back in ‘88”.

Anyway, for most people it’s a case of ‘should’ you be friends, not ‘could’ you. And like most posters stated, it all boils down to personal feelings at the time.

I don’t think your ‘California Suite’/ ménage à lotsa people is necessarily strange… but it is unique. Some people simply prefer to leave the past behind, or allow a healthy passing of time to develop before restablishing friendships with those they once loved.

It’s apparent from the responses that people cannot (and I believe ‘should’ not) transition to friendship so soon after a breakup. Yes, they’re still human beings. Yes, you were both friends. But breakups are rarely mutual or amicable. So it seems reasonable to expect lingering turmoil and heartache to prevent an immediate friendship.

Down the line, and if you’re both comfortable with each other’s company—and if old feelings have subsided—then perhaps it’s possible.

You don’t have to hate your ex’s to opt out of a future friendship. You may be unable to get over the relationship and choose to cut yourself off for as long as possible.

It does take a huge leap of faith being able to count your ex’s amongst your circle of friends. It’s not for everyone.

Do I wish I could be friends with my very recent ex (I’ll call her ‘Hilda’)? Sure. But not now. Not until I’m over it. That takes time.

yinkus pinkus
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 05:42 pm: [report]

im guilty of #2 and especially #4.
needless to say ive been trying to break up with the same person for almost 2yrs.
sometimes you can be friends with an ex, other times you cant. guess it depends on the nature of the relationship you had with the person.

landesign
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 07:28 pm: [report]

Hi Retro. You are living dangerous. How can you expect to find someone who you have the same connection, but with no
off again periods. Someone that will be there 24/7/365?
My wife, then girlfriend almost blew it for us with a similar long distance relationship that I found out about.
She was only talking on the phone but who knows what could
have happened if we had an argument that kept us apart for
a few days. Thats all we needed was to have another person
ready to jump in for an ‘emotionally powerful’ interlude.
I told her to make a choice, him or me and she chose me.
Once she committed to me it was unbelievable. She went from
thinking of herself to thinking of us. I had 21 married years with her until she passed recently, and they were so
good, she was so caring and smart and sexy, that I know that there is no one out there like her.
Quit screwing around and realize if it was so good, you wouldn’t want to have any ‘off again’ times. You wouldn’t want to exist without being with each other no matter what,
through the good and the bad. Until you meet the person that you cannot be away from no matter what you don’t know
what a connection is all about.

JLSGirl23
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 08:53 pm: [report]

I have to agree with the people saying this article is a little close-minded.  I have been in this situation, and I know people in this situation.  First, I’ll start with myself.  This was five years ago, around the time of my junior prom. 

My ex-bf Dan and I didn’t even date that long at all.  Less than a week, actually.  I’m the one who broke things off, because I just didn’t see him that way, and didn’t really want to be in a relationship at the time.  We had been best friends for about 6 months, before he asked me out.  When I broke up with him, he was hurt and angry for a while.  Naturally.  The group was split, because he avoided me for about a month.  So, we couldn’t all hang out if both of us were there.  It was way too weird.  Eventually, a month later, he came around.  And, things went back to normal.  We’ve been even better friends ever since than we were before we started dating.  Quite frankly, we forgot we had even dated, until our friend brought it up to us.  Because, it was such a long time ago.  And, didn’t last that long. 

When his psycho ex-girlfriend Facebooked me to find out stuff about him, like she was doing with most of his friends, he explained the entire situation and that he had already broken up with her.  But, she was just fishing for information.  This bitch was fit for a straight jacket, and a year younger than me school-wise, so she was around his age.  He’s two months younger than me, but a year younger school-wise.  Because of her, he had stopped hanging out with his girl friends in the group, because she was paranoid about it.  We hardly ever saw him, and he hated it.  Once they broke up, he said he was relieved that he could be himself again and start hanging out with us again.  He told me everything about the relationship, and there was no awkwardness about it at all.  We laughed about the whole thing, and it was just the two of us, waiting for our friend and her boyfriend for dinner.  We were still able to joke about it months later with the rest of our friends at the New Year’s party at the firehouse.  No weirdness at all.  This all happened about 1-2 years ago.  We’re better off as friends, and we have no problem hanging out and talking about things.  Now, onto the second scenario.

I know of a couple where the girl is about 4 years older than the guy, and they’ve been best friends ever since they started working together almost 6 years ago.  They’ve had an on and off relationship over the years, not due to any fights or anything (they’ve never had a single argument, even though they are opposites in a lot of ways, but also alike more than people realize).  It’s mostly due to other people meddling or outside influences they can’t control.  Anyway, to this day they believe they are “it” for each other- soulmates, love of each other’s lives, whatever phrase you want to use. Both their exes are psychos.  Neither one of their families approved of these people they were involved with, because of their psychotic ways.  Anyway, it turns out that something tragic happened to end their relationship almost 2 years ago (their second go at it), and they broke up again. They were even more in love with each other the last time around than the first.  But, they remain best friends, even though her husband is extremely jealous and dangerous. 

However, they still work together.  Long story short, things got complicated when several months after their split, he got involved in an FWB relationship with one of their best friends.  She had always thought of him as a little brother, and helped them with their relationship over the years.  She even tried to get the girl to get a restraining order against her husband, when she left him (now, the girl is back with her husband, but unhappily).  She was one of their biggest cheerleaders, and is 3 years older than the guy.  Long story short, the two exes are still best friends.  But, this has caused some tension that just recently was resolved.  But, the girls’ friendship will never be the same again, and is very strained because of the fact they’ve both now slept with him.  And, that the two exes had a very serious relationship, where they were and are still adamant they are “it” for each other.  So, while the two exes are fine with each other, the two girls are not.  They all try to be as professional about it as they can, since the guy and the former best friend broke up months ago anyway.  They always have, though.

My point is that it can go either way.  It depends on the people involved, and how close the friendship was before they started dating, if they started out as friends.  It works for some people.  It doesn’t for others.  It’s a case-by-case basis.  But, I see nothing wrong with it.  On either side of the debate.

Titi
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 09:12 pm: [report]

@prometheus—Your post made me laugh out loud. I definitely appreciate the humor—people get so serious on here sometimes.
I gave a lengthy explanation of my experience because I was catching some #&@$% from other posters and thought I’d be a bit more specific. I’m not trying to “move” anyone with epic emo stories, just plead my case.
I do have a few girlfriends that visit this site regularly (that’s how I found out about it). Anyone who reads my posts and knows me will know it’s me, so yes, admittedly using quoted names is a bit silly…but, I’m not the only one who uses different names to protect the privacy of others (Chicken Parm, anyone?). I figure if I’m going to write about intimate relations, I should at least change their names. Although I think “Hilda” is a good name, as per your suggestion.
Perhaps in the future I’ll be more creative with the names…How about “El Caballo Sucio Magnifico”?

IAMME
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 09:43 pm: [report]

This is sorta O/T but I have a male friend who I have been friends with for over 20 years, his younger brother was my high school sweetheart, I was/am great friends with his ex-wife, I cannot stand his current girlfriend, but he and I have remained friends..strictly platonic..through everything, I talk to him on the phone at least once a week and see him every couple of weeks, usually just for a visit when he is passing through or something. My children call him “uncle” and his daughter calls me “aunt”. He is very much like a brother to me, I have crashed at his place during my first divorce, we loan each other money and have cried on each others shoulders many times. We have celebrated births and mourned deaths together, we are family.

My exbf however had a huge problem with this friendship and forced me to choose between the two of them. I realize that since this man is not an ex this isn’t the same thing but alot of the “anti-ex-as-friends” group here are using the same and/or very similar arguments as my ex. What is up with all this jealousy and need for control in a relationship? I just do not understand this mindset at all.

theattack
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 10:06 pm: [report]

Right on, Iamme.
I don’t view this situation as “Why do you still need to be friends with your ex unless you want something from it?” but instead “Why don’t you trust your partner enough to let them be friends with the people they choose?”
You should be able to trust your partner well enough to know that they can talk and see their exes without acting on it emotionally or physically, or even planning on acting on it. Those people become your boyfriends/fiances/spouses because they’re important to you, and you probably have a lot in common. Just because the romantic part doesn’t work out for you doesn’t mean that you should have to give up your entire friendship with them. It just means that you realized they weren’t right for you and you CHOSE your current partner over wallowing over your ex.

IAMME
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 10:33 pm: [report]

I agree, theattack, I trust my current boyfriend, and I refuse to be in a relationship with someone whom I do not trust. I do not understand ppl who have to know their SO’s where-abouts every second of every day.

I have a big newsflash for you folks, if they are going to cheat they will. You can try to control their friends, you can monitor their mail, phones, IMs ect, and if they are the type of person who is going to cheat they are going to cheat. There is absolutely nothing that you can do to cause or prevent someone from cheating on you IMO. This has nothing to do with you as a person, and everything to do with the cheater and I personally wouldn’t put up with it for a milisecond but some people are good and honorable and loyal and some are not, and some will be good and honorable and loyal when they are ready (ie. right time or person) but you will never be able to force that.

In my example above my exbf forced me to choose not my friend, but my freedom to choose my own friends over him, I had never given him a reason to doubt me, and had been friends for over 20 yrs without anything sexual, flirtatious, or romantic ever coming between us, and before anyone says it- no I do not use him as a way to “hang on to” my high school sweetheart, that was one of my exes favorite arguments, in the last oh….10 years…I have learned two things about my high school sweetheart from his brother….one is his wife lost a pregnancy and they were having infertility trouble, I felt very bad for them they are both wonderful people…about 5 yrs ago….and about a month ago he told me that they had had a baby, I was glad to hear it- they will make great parents…I didnt even know she was pregnant…and I live in a VERY small town so my lack of knowledge is amazing.

Titi
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 10:46 pm: [report]

@theattack : “You should be able to trust your partner well enough to know that they can talk and see their exes without acting on it emotionally or physically, or even planning on acting on it.” Hell yes, my sentiments exactly! This is what I’ve been trying to say. Right on.
IAMME—you also make a good point. If your SO is gonna cheat, they’re gonna cheat—nothing you can do about it. It’s about trust.

Jealousy isn’t going to make someone love you more, in fact, it can drive them away.

IAMME
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 11:01 pm: [report]

Titi: “Jealousy isn’t going to make someone love you more, in fact, it can drive them away.”

Yup, it will send me packing in a heartbeat EVERY time, life is too short to deal with such nonesense.

theattack
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 11:13 pm: [report]

Exactly! No one has the right to tell me who I can and cannot be friends with. I’m an adult and can figure that out on my own. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to disrespect my partner by putting myself in awkward or questionable situations with my exes or with anyone. I have better judgment than that, and I respect him, just the same way that I expect him to respect my decisions to be friends with who I want. I think an essential part of any relationship should be the ability to trust a person’s judgment beyond things that you know about. Yes, sometimes you may doubt or wonder, but getting past that and TRUSTING is the important part. By developing a relationship with someone, you should be developing trust and respect with that person - not control over their lives the same way you have control over your own.

blondie55
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 07:02 am: [report]

Yes, Landesign, there is someone out there for you, I promise there is.  You have integrity, and there are women out there who value that as number one, because they unfortunately didn’thave that reciprocated.
I’m sorry about your wife’s passing, but a widow or widower is actually very high on the list, if they had integrity, and have experienced the true agape relationship.
Don’t you worry! I just said that yesterday to my best friend, as I was sadly stating that I didn’t want to start that whole dating thing all over again. I said I wasn’t going to look for any reject, but if the time came, and I was ever to meet someone who lost their partner, due to death, that person would be worthwhile considering.
I’m sure a lot of women have thought that, not just myself. You didn’t leave a marriage, life just happened, and that is no one’s fault!
I wish you the best in finding another woman who treated you as well, with respect, integrity, and all the fixings!

landesign
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 06:44 pm: [report]

Thanks Blondie. Your comments are greatly appreciated.
As far as the other comments about being able to talk to
your exes, every case is different. Good chance that we all
have exes that turn into good friends, but we all have exes
that we know for sure would make life uncomfortable for a
current relationship if they were around a lot. Like theattack said, its about respect. My case, I said OK, I’ll
start communicating with my exes then, and that was not received well. So we made an agreement that we both honored from then on. Our relationship survived and turned
into a storybook marriage. For any relationship to turn into real love, there has to be a gradual change from a ‘me’ attitude to an ‘us’ attitude.

blondie55
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 07:19 pm: [report]

True about it has to be about “us” and not me. The real dang tricky part, however, is when your husband has done that for 10 years, and then switches over to “me”, and you’re there standing, holding the “us” sign, as befuddled as can be. Saying, what just happened here, and how did this happen unbeknownst to me?
Yeah, everyone thought we had that story book marriage, but apparently that book got shelved into the sci fi section!!!

retro chic
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 08:02 pm: [report]

@Landesign, sorry for your loss, as you know, I *empathize* with a similar and sudden loss. I realize it may still be fresh for you, and may explain your judgment of my situation, *very* different than your’s. You finished with: “Quit screwing around and realize if it was so good… [and ends with] ...you don’t know what a connection is all about.” There were no third-parties on either side, we work/live within 1/2 mile of each other, and didn’t pause ‘cause things were bad—just too much. We were more perplexed and concerned than anyone cuz of its deep but unconventional nature.

Everyone’s situation is different, and I didn’t get to be an evolved adult, raise a child, and not “know what a connection is all about.” But from what I was able to extrapolate from you, is that I need to cut things off for good to make room for someone new who can give me something more permanent, ie, no friendship allowed. And that is what I wanted to know. And for that, I thank you. And again, my sympathies.

landesign
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 08:48 pm: [report]

Sorry Retro, didn’t mean to shoot from the hip.It’s been
eleven weeks now. Just feels good to talk.
Your right, everyone’s situation if different. It just worked out for me & I hope it works out for you.

retro chic
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 07:56 am: [report]

@landesign, No worries. Talking’s great—from the hip is great. You’re still raw and living in the land of unforgiving black and white. Believe me, I know. Managing the journey of healing grief means actively talking, writing and leaning on friends, family… and maybe the pros (if you haven’t done so already). That includes forgiveness of yourself, btw. There aren’t any shortcuts—allow yourself all that comes with this.

Exes are tricky biz, and may or may not be good for you now. For me, I’ve never gone back to an actual ex, as I gave my all at the time, so there’s no reason to revisit. In that way, I’m raw ‘cause everything is new in my/my daughter’s lives’ readjustment without my mom (my greatest supporter), and leaving someone completely who’s my greatest supporter now thru all this is not easy. But we all go forward… Good luck to you as well. People with a good/long history of marriage tend to find it again.

og217
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]

I think the people who are of the “friends with exes” camp here are also people who had a friendship that became a relationship, so that they did or tried to get back to that friendship thing. 

The people who like me are not friends with any exes are peopel who just didn’t ever date a friend.  I have 2 guy friends for many many years and we even roomed for a couple of years in college, but nothing ever happened and no one ever wante dit to, to include drunkenness. 

I guess I like my categories clear and I put people (men)  in them quick - friend or romantic interest or professional interest or of no interest whatsoever.  Call me old fashined (at the ripe old age of 29) but I don’t get the whole ambiguous trend of “hanging out,” hooking up, friends with benefits or together-but-not-official stuff.  I dated men.  Now I am married so that’s obviously not happening, lol but with men I was interested in and who were interested in me, it didn’t take 5 years to hold hands or get naked.  I never had anyone “grow on me.”  Sounds fungal, lol.

IAMME
wrote on May 19 2009 @ 08:56 pm: [report]

I realize I am beating a VERY dead horse, but og217, your last comment made me sad.

I cannot imagine dating let alone marrying someone who I didnt consider a friend first. Maybe I am jsut more hesitant to date someone that I dont know well….

Capriccio72
wrote on May 20 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]

I AGREE WITH OG217 ALL THE WAY EVEN IF THIS IS A BATTERED HORSE.  I have read and have heard so many stories on friends with exes, but the bottom line is, in MOST cases it has not lead to happiness, it either causes too much drama with subsequent relationships or causes too much turmoil in the self or the other party and their relationships.  I do not feel sorry for og217, I understand her thinking as it is similar to mine.  I don’t understand why Iamme is sad about it???  I have never had a serious relationship with someone (like og217)I was friends with, previously.  It’s a chemistry thing.  I do require that my SO and I develop a friendship or something stronger/deeper than that for it to be considered a serious relationship, though. The difference being, it starts off with a romantic or sexual spark and procedes to a relationship or no relationship/didn’t work out.  That is a natural progression, isn’t it? (there has to be a spark or interest BEYOND friendship).  I’m not saying friendships can’t lead to something deeper, I definitely believe it can from all I’ve heard and seen (which leads back to the core issue of the article we are debating).  I’m just saying it never has for me (and I have a hard time understanding others when it does for them)and when I have had friendships, even long standing ones that even tip-toed into the sexual arena, it just lacked the chemistry to lead to anything more or to stay that way-it was or became awkward.

jojo32
wrote on May 20 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]

I just thought of this…so Gwen Stefani and the Tony Kanal (sp?) from No Doubt used to date, right?  They obviously have a relationship still.  No Doubt is touring this summer.  And Gwen is married w/ 2 kids to Gavin Rossdale.  OK, so it works for some people.  And just like she says in her song “After all that we’ve been thru, I know we’re cool”.

HA!

blondie55
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]

I’m looking for a thread, about grieving, or any words of wisdom, consolation.  All I can seem to do is cry my eyes out, and write poetry (if you can call it that). I’m trying to journal, talk only with 2 friends, cuz it’s so embarassing to me, that my husband played me, because I loved him so dearly, and trusted him so much.  And all those conversations we had about fidelity, and fidelity, blah blah blah, just words.
I’m vacillating so much from, shock, admitting what it is, grieving, anger, bartering, etc. all the classic symptoms of grieving. Do any of you have any pearls of wisdom, regarding a husband having an “emotional affair” for over 2 years, a co-worker of his, which I thought was my friend too. He’s out of the house now, as I need to sort my thoughts, and cry my eyes out.  You know, if I had been told this scenario, my intellect would have guessed that I would just kick him to the curb, and not put up with anything. But the hard part is that he says no sex transpired, but I have over 18 months of phone bills, with calls, texts, emails, etc, and days which he obsessively talked with her or texted, and he claimed that he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong.  Is this just a defense, to cover up?  I told him that I couldn’t possibly consider going on with this charade, unless he came clean on everything, which means unsuspend his cell phone account, and show the last months details.  He really hasn’t shown much remorse, at all, and just uses idle words saying he wants to get back together.  I’d love some male and female input.  Thanks!  Do people every write their poetry in these post a commment sections?
Blondie 55

jojo32
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]

@ Blondie,

I was a member of an online community for a very long time called DailyStrength(dot)org.  It REALLY helped me get thru the gut-wrenching time when I wanted to leave my husband.  You should check it out.  I think it might really help you.  There are a ton of different groups.  You can journal, post on the message boards, private message to friends, etc.  I made some true, lasting friendships on that site that I dont think I would have survived my divorce without.  Good luck.

blondie55
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]

@ Jojo
Thanks jojo32. I’ll check it out.  I’ll get on here for a couple days, take off a couple days, talk with only a couple dear friends, and then all around again on this carousel, and roller coaster. It’s still fresh, so…well u know!
Do you mind tellin me what happened in your case?  Did you land up leaving him or not?  You can email me, if you’d prefer to keep it more personal. Thanks again for the lead!
I’m off to daily strength, sounds good already!

joyy
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]

@Blondie - look at how much pain he is causing you.  Leave him and find a good therapist.

blondie55
wrote on May 23 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]

i’m in process of finding a therapist. I had one for work-related reasons, and always told him, I’m so grateful that I have such a wonderful husband.  Hmmmmhhh!
I’m considering going to his therapist with him for his 2nd session.  The caveat is that he said his therapist already stated something to the effect of looking inside the marriage for the affair. Not sure that is always the proper approach. No one makes a married male, look outside of the marriage, they should be honest and reveal concerns inside together, as partners. Had that occurred 3 long years ago, don’t think we’d be here, nor would I have to endure the intensity of pain! Just my thoughts!

retro chic
wrote on May 23 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]

blondie55——HIS therapist? Do you truly want the best outcome—be it divorce or reconcile? Then make a joint decision on a new therapist not known to either of you. This reeks of manipulation and bias already. He has the most to lose, right? You’ll be the one put on the defensive. Without a doubt, HIS therapist will “recommend” hitting the Reset Button, only to find yourself right where you are, madder and wiser. Want to cut out that step? Leave and get your own therapist so you can get on with your life. Good luck!