Newsweek Spreads The Polyamorous Love
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
2:00PM, Thursday July 30th 2009
I think there is a polyamorous trio living in my apartment building. A man and a woman live together, with their dog, two floors above me; on my floor there is a second man, who lives with his dog. I think the three of them are together because we walk our dogs at the same time, and the three of them are always together. Plus, on the weekends I often see all of them leave in a car together, which makes me think they’re on their way to their house upstate or something. Besides, the two guys really set my gaydar off, but one of the men is definitely married to the woman. I assume they don’t all live together because the apartments in my building are, obviously (as this is NYC), on the small side and besides, maybe Man #2 wants more private time.
I realize all of this is not really proof that I’ve got polyamory goin’ down in my building, but ever since Anya James wrote about being in a polyamorous relationship back in November, I’ve noticed that three-way relationships have been everywhere. According to a study cited in Newsweek, “openly polyamorous families in the United States number more than half a million, with thriving contingents in nearly every major city.” Books have been written on the subject—including Jenny Block’s Open and Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up—and Oscar winner Tilda Swinton came out, so to speak, as being part of a polyamorous relationship.
Unfortunately, while society and the media are now recognizing that polyamory exists, the community doesn’t have much in the way of support, even from the gay community, which worries some polyamorists that associating themselves with a group that’s even less “mainstream” will have a negative impact on their pursuit of equal rights. Because of the “extra” people involved, and thus, extra emotions, Newsweek writes polyamorists are greatly misunderstood, with many lumping them in with polygamists or swingers. Newsweek defines polyamory (sometimes called a triad or “ethical nonmonogamy”) as “engaging in loving, intimate relationships with more than one person—based upon the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.” Unlike polygamy, men are not the dominant “head” of the family, taking on many wives, and the relationships have nothing to do with religion. Polyamorists are also different from swingers because the motivation isn’t casual sex, but commitment, with some relationships lasting as long as traditional marriages.
As James wrote for The Frisky, being part of a triad requires hard work just like a two-person romantic relationships does.
“There was twice the energy and convenience of a normal relationship. We all had a lot going on, but when one of us was busy, the other two were still able to spend time together. Jealousy just wasn’t there. We didn’t have to ration out love. It multiplied.
On the negative front, our problems turned out to be really the same as anyone else’s. Dan did dumb boy things and I did dumb girl things and Ellie just watched calmly and loved us like a true negotiator. Our situation felt totally normal to us, so much so that we often forgot that people didn’t expect to see a man out for Valentine’s Day dinner with two dates, or three people snuggling together on a plane.”
Certainly, being part of a polyamorous relationship takes the “right” people. Just like in a couple, if one person isn’t giving as much as the other or the lines of communication aren’t open, the triad can’t be sustained. James was correct to point out in her piece that there are “many stable societies in the world that aren’t based on monogamy.” Hopefully, as people start to open their eyes to the many happy polyamorous families living in our stable society, acceptance won’t be far behind.
[Newsweek]
Related:
The Frisky: First Time For Everything: A Polyamorous Relationship
Ask The Astrosexologist: My First Polyamorous Relationship
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Coral
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 01:44 pm: [report]
I support people who are into polyamory-it’s obviously not for everyone. But there is a fine line where polyamory can cross into the territory of polygamy-where religion or cult-like practices are involved. But is our society able to accept polyamorous trios/groups who want to raise children and have families together? It’s a difficult thing to teach your children about love and children who are raised by polyamorous parents are consequently going to have a different experience.
driftingfocus
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
It’s entirely possible they’re just friends. I lived with my best friend and his girlfriend for an entire year, and we did everything together - went on vacation together, went out to eat together, etc. To an outside observer, it would have looked like a poly relationship (since I’m female), but in fact it was just a close friendship. Then again, people already think I’m weird because my three best friends are all male.
abbylyn
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 02:31 pm: [report]
“...with some relationships lasting as long as traditional marriages.”
Uhh, how long does a “traditional” marriage last these days? Not to mention, just because a “traditional” marriage has lasted a long time does not mean it’s a good, healthy, nurturing, stable relationship.
amorsalado
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 02:32 pm: [report]
I was in a six year long poly relationship. The first two years we were a closed quad, and the last four years we were a closed V triad.
It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of energy. It takes a lot of understanding, and it takes a whole freaking lot of communication. Much like a monogamous relationship.
impoddity
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 04:01 pm: [report]
@ Abbylyn: I totally agree with you. But it ranking poly relationships with “traditional marriages” just might help the conservatives realize it’s not the end of the world.
skywalk
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 05:29 pm: [report]
Marriage is between a man and a woman, whatever that means. I’m so sick of this argument please if you want to fight something how about child abuse, global warming or hunger. The time and money people put into a non issue (as far as I’m concerned) is ridicules. We just legalized it in Maine and hopefully it won’t be overturned or overuled.
calenia
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 05:50 pm: [report]
@Skywalk you fight what’s important to you but the rights of child custody, death benefits, and health insurance are just as impportant to gays, lesbians, and transgenders as it is to heterosexual couples.
amorsalado
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 07:23 pm: [report]
@Skywalk—whether or not marriage is between a man and a woman isn’t a “non-issue” to a whole lot of people—people who vote and pay taxes and work, etc. etc.
paul
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 04:17 am: [report]
I subscribe to the theory of ‘Live and let live’. Marriage is a contractual relationship of many forms, so to allow for inheritance etc, let them enter contracts stating how they wish their assets be administered. Genetically there can only be one father, so he should ensure all his off-spring are registered in his name and be responsible for their care
skywalk
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 05:11 am: [report]
I think it should be a non issue, if a two men or two women want to marry or in this case 3 people it really doesn’t affect me or really anyone else. But I see thousands of dollars and tons of energy being wasted trying to prevent them from getting married and they could be fighting a cause that could really make difference. That is why it is a non issue to me, child abuse, global warming and world hunger are issues in my eyes. Just my opinion I understand other people are against gay marriage and that is there opinion I just don’t get it.
moonblossom
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 12:12 pm: [report]
Theoretically I don’t care what consenting adults do with each other. Realistically, these situations invariably turn into some man running around putting his peen in any hole he can find - just like the polygamists. If I truly believed that women were equals in these relationships I would buy it, but I don’t. Women invariable bear the burden in these situations - emotionally, socially, financially, physically, etc.
brandyalexander
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
OK, i am a big proponent of gay marriage, but polyamory makes me majorly uncomfortable. Maybe its some issue I have with myself, but I just don’t like it. I guess I take the kind of squemishly tolerant view that my parents have towards homosexuality… um, ok, do it in your own privacy, but ew.
driftingfocus
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]
@moonblossom:
“Women invariable bear the burden in these situations - emotionally, socially, financially, physically, etc.”
What about the poly relationships where the woman is the one with multiple partners? I’m not sure how she’d be “bearing the emotional burden” if she’s the one in charge.
skywalk
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 02:10 pm: [report]
When I read this article that was the first thing that came to my mind the woman being the one with multiple partners.
driftingfocus
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 03:19 pm: [report]
@skywalk: Yes, contrary to what most people seem to think about polyamory, more often than not it is actually a woman with multiple men, rather than a man with multiple women.
moonblossom
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 04:38 pm: [report]
@driftingfocus: what do we call women with multiple partners in this society? We call them sluts/whores…which was exactly my meaning when I said women bear the social burden. And I don’t necessary believe that the man doesn’t have something to do with the woman seeking out multiple partners. Maybe I’m cynical, but given the enormous social stigmas and accepted behaviors that polyamory is up against…I just don’t see this as a healthy situation for the women involved.
amorsalado
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 04:45 pm: [report]
As one of the women involved, I have to say that we did alright!
driftingfocus
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 06:23 pm: [report]
@moonblossom: Men who have multiple partners aren’t looked upon much better. Also - what are you referencing when you say “I don’t necessary believe that the man doesn’t have something to do with the woman seeking out multiple partners.”? I’m a woman in a poly relationship (my second one, in fact - though the first one was a successful relationship) and I have always been the one to suggest finding other partners. My boyfriend is wonderful, and I love him very much, and we generally have sex at least once a day, but I like the experience of being with other people. It’s nothing that he has done - it’s just me wanting to be able to connect emotionally and sexually with other people. What can I say - I like variety!
Then again, when anyone judges me, I tend to tell them to f*ck off, so I’ve never really been one to care what folks say or think about me. Why should I care about the sentiments of someone so judgemental?
skywalk
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
@driftingfocus: I think our society is way to judgmental and it drives me nuts, I don’t care whether your gay or straight, rich or poor, your ethnic back ground and whatever you do in your own home as long as your nice to me, my family, children and other people in that order. But all too often people are so concerned with what everyone else does or is. I have never walked in anyone else’s shoes so unless I know for a fact that they are rude, abusive or have sticky fingers I will be friendly towards them and treat them like everyone else. I think it was because I grew up poor and had nothing so I was judged but it works for me in my career I own and/or manage 722 apartments and own a bar, but I have always been like that.
Will
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
I’m okay with the idea of polyamory, though I don’t know that it’s for me. The part I have trouble with is what 2 heterosexual partners would get out of it. I could imagine it being paradise for someone bisexual.
Will
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 03:09 pm: [report]
“2 heterosexual partners of the same gender” is what I meant to say
driftingfocus
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 03:11 pm: [report]
@Will: In polyamory, not everyone is sleeping with everyone. For instance, you may have a male/female couple with a woman who has a second man she sleeps with, or with a man who has a second woman he sleeps with. Polyamory doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone is sleeping with everyone else, just that *someone* is sleeping with more than one person.
Will
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 04:27 pm: [report]
@driftingfocus: no, I do understand that can work like that, I’m just trying to figure out why. Is it just that the third leg of the triangle is still close, but nonsexual? Because otherwise, I’m just not sure what the appeal of a 3 person relationship is unless you’re actually in a relationship with both other people.
None of this isn’t a criticism in any way—if it makes all three (or more) people happy, cool. I’m just trying to understand it.
amorsalado
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 04:38 pm: [report]
@Will: I was one of the female legs of a V triad with a male hinge. She and I were VERY close—the best of friends really, but we weren’t sexual. I suppose it would depend on how you define intimacy, but there was a lot of intimacy between us. I would have trusted her with my life. I STILL would. However, I didn’t and still wouldn’t sleep with her.
Will
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 05:40 pm: [report]
@amorsalado,
OK, that makes complete sense. Not everything in a relationship is about sex, for sure. Most of it isn’t, actually.
GirlyLocks
wrote on August 2 2009 @ 05:43 pm: [report]
Did anyone else see the new Sunday secrets on PostSecret? One of them is from a wife in a poly situation.
crimsonletter
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
@Will. Just because someone is bisexual, attracted to people of both gender, doesn’t mean that they want to be in a relationship with someone of each gender at one time. Most bisexuals I know of want a monogamous relationship with just one person—that person just might be a man, or a woman. Assuming all bisexuals want or need a relationship with both a man and a woman at once, is simply not true. Sure, there are polyamorous bisexuals, but lets not propagate stereotypes about ALL bisexuals.
Still…. I think polyamorous relationships are interesting, and should be respected by others. The important thing is respect and commitment—so what if there is more than one person, as long as everyone involved is okay with it?