Sound Bites: How Many Sexual Partners Is Too Many?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
sex
3:00PM, Tuesday August 12th 2008
Whoopi Goldberg recently revealed on The View that she’s had 50 sexual partners. Carla Bruni, pop singer and wife to French president Nicolas Sarkozy, has had 30. And little ol’ me has had 15. The three of us are comfortable with our numbers—though I am not necessarily psyched about the dudes in particular who occupy the notches on my bedpost. Though we retired the debate over what makes a person a “slut”, it nevertheless remains the case that each person has some general feeling on what number of partners they’re comfortable with, for themselves and for their partners. For one person, it may be five, for another 5,000—after the jump, some sound bites from women on how many notches are too many.
“I have friends who sleep with a different girl every week, practically. I’m okay with it, but I’m not sure I’d want to sleep with them, at least not until they settled down and could be okay with just one girl. So for me, the actual number might not matter as much as their attitude. That said, 100 sexual partners is a little promiscuous and I think 20 to 50, over a lifetime, is my limit. I don’t think I could sleep with more than that without feeling gross, personally.” —Jenni
“For dudes it’s a tough question. I will probably think that any guy has slept with too many and I would say the average for a guy is probably 40 to 50 women. That is just too many. Ideally, I would like a guy to sleep with 15 to 25. Personally, I’ve slept with 14 and I would rather not sleep with more than 30 in my lifetime. Also, what about if you sleep with boys and girls? Say you’ve slept with 20 dudes, but 50 women…is that too many? I don’t know.” —Lana
“More than 30 sexual partners for anyone is too many…actually maybe more than 25. Thirty is a lot too. I would say that goes for anyone, but I don’t really care how many people my friends sleep with as it doesn’t really affect my friendship with them. So I guess it matters more to me for sexual partners.” —Liz
“At 25, when I was able to tell my long-term boyfriend that he was my 10th, I felt like that was a good number for me—someone who had some relationships, dated, but no long-term commitments. I felt that 10 wasn’t so high that i screamed ‘easy’. However, if my boyfriend and I broke up tomorrow I think I would be quicker to sleep with men earlier on in dating than I was when I was 20 and worried about being called a slut in college. Now that I’m more comfortable with sex and sexuality in general, if we broke up tomorrow I could hit 20 by age 30 and I would be fine with that. And I would hope that if I were single at 35 I would have lots of partners as opposed to only a couple more. Sex with different men is what I envy about single women at this age and older. Sleeping with one or two more men for fear of being labeled sounds like a really boring way to spend my late-20’s and early-30’s if I were single.” —Casey
“I think over 100 is really excessive. People who stay single longer are obviously going to have had more partners, but now there are all sorts of things even condoms can’t prevent. If a friend of yours got crazy and slept with someone new once a month, I probably wouldn’t blink twice. But if they never have a dry spell or never get into a serious relationship through their entire 20’s, that puts them at approximately 120 partners by age 30. And usually my head snaps back when I hear someone, other than a porn star, has slept with over 100 people.” —Megan
“If a guy told me he slept with 200 women, I would be put off, but mostly because I would be worried about disease, not really about him being a womanizer.” —Erin
“I don’t really have a number that seems like ‘too much’. I think that sometimes very high numbers indicate that a person might be pathological. Of course, age and personality are factors, as is relationship history. I’d say anything over 50 for either men or women would make me take pause, not necessarily in a negative way, just in a ‘Dang, Gina!’ way.” —Laura
“Over the course of someone’s life, assuming they don’t get married and settle down—which presumably puts an end to the racking up of bed partners—all bets are off. If I had no desire to settle down and just went from relationship to relationship the way most people do, with little droughts and little slutty phases in between, I could very realistically be talking hundreds of partners by the end of my life. I don’t know that that would be excessive. As long as you’re not endangering your health or cheating on a monogamous partner or trying to fill an emotional void, I see nothing wrong with getting your swerve on regularly.” —Tanya
“Honestly, I never really think about it or care, but I guess once you hit the 20’s I think it’s kind of trashy.” —Emma
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ClatieK
wrote on August 12 2008 @ 11:27 pm: [report]
I love how arbitrary this is.
And also, what counts as a “sexual partner”? A penis in a vagina? So lesbians and folks who go with anal sex are virgins? It’s all so complicated and ridiculous.
Amelia
wrote on August 13 2008 @ 05:08 am: [report]
@ClatieK EXACTLY. The definition of “virginity” is totally up for debate.
Alabama
wrote on August 13 2008 @ 08:38 am: [report]
That’s a great point. Reminds me of a girl I know who played round-robin with an entire fraternity pledge class in college (in one session, that is) but only gave bj’s so they couldn’t say she sleeps around. Obviously, people have varying perceptions of sex and the acts and labels that define it.
k paul blume
wrote on August 13 2008 @ 10:19 am: [report]
me, I’ve ‘slept with’ thousands, of all genders and ages
people I’ve actually ‘had sex with’ I could probably count on the fingers of one hand
...there may have been more but I was asleep at the time
Kiki T
wrote on August 13 2008 @ 10:57 am: [report]
I say when you’re itching, scratching and burning down there 24-7, you’ve had too many, hee hee
no, seriously, i think, it’s not the number, but the judgment behind it that would make ME want to love or leave. Like if you go to an orgy, you could easily wrack up 10 in a night, but be a prude the rest of your life…go ahead, experiment…but, if you go out every night to look to do anyone, just to fill a void in your life, then well, I would consider that cause for pause…however, if you love sex and truly love trying new partners, then lucky are you for being able to find that many people that can fit your needs.
michael
wrote on August 13 2008 @ 11:23 am: [report]
no one’s business. In my opinion, it is between two consenting adults. (or 3, or 4 etc.)Just an excuse for others to become judgemental.
bluewater
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 10:31 am: [report]
I say, as long as you are safe and smart about it, hump away. I dont keep count because i dont ever want to give someone the satisfaction of being able to judge me. The numbers game is ridiculous. Just be smart about the baby making.
lily
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 11:02 am: [report]
the numbers game assumes at some point you’re gonna meet your “one true love” and have to admit that person is not your one and only. me, if i wind up married it won’t be until my 30s. until then i plan on having an active and fulfilling sex life. if that racks up the numbers, well, hey at least i’m enjoying life and connecting with others. the important thing is that people practice safe sex, and by that i mean both using condoms, dental dams, etc, and being conscious of each others’ feelings and consent. for a great resource on consent and respecting our partners’ boundaries check out this article:
http://www.anarcha.org/sallydarity/consent.html
k paul blume
wrote on August 14 2008 @ 06:19 pm: [report]
ah, precisely why I’ve given up on sex, that last comment
if, after that first, rubbery-tasting, dental dammed kiss the first thing you see is a clipboard, it isn’t sex anymore
(and probably never was nor would be)
it’s a survey
Laura
wrote on August 18 2008 @ 12:34 am: [report]
I’m not willing to name any number as too high, I think it depends on whether you were respectful to and honest with your partners which includes the constant use of safer sex, as long as your not spreading diseases around everywhere or lying about your intentions in order to sleep with someone, I don’t think it’s anyone’s right to judge how much is too many.
Personally, I’m 25 and have only been with 4 people (3 men and 1 women) And although I’m in a healthy and very sexually satisfying relationship in a lot of ways I still want more experiences with a larger variety of people, and I don’t really know what that number would be, it’s more the experiences that I can about, that could mean 3 more or 30 more I have no idea.
John
wrote on August 21 2008 @ 12:56 am: [report]
My previous girlfriend had sex with many hundreds of men in her 20s and early 30s, often having sex with two or three new men every weekend.(And, no, she was never a prostitute.) She didn’t know the exact number and couldn’t begin to remember everyone she had had sex with, but it was in the hundreds. This bothered me, though I tried hard to accept it, since she had stopped being promiscuous like that over 15 years before I met her. And she was faithful to me. But what I finally couldn’t accept was her attitude about sex. She considered sex to be just scratching an itch, just an act of biological pleasure. She was adamant that love and sex are not the same thing and have nothing to do with each other. She didn’t like much foreplay and didn’t like to kiss, and, though I know she cared for me deeply, when we had sex there was no sentiment of love involved. It was just sex. Eventually we had a painful breakup, for that and other reasons. I could never figure out if her attitude towards sex was the result of having had so many men, or if it was the other way around. But I think that if you have mostly meaningless sex in your life, then sex itself becomes meaningless. And how sad is that?
brooke
wrote on August 21 2008 @ 05:01 pm: [report]
Who freakin cares? Is there a hidden tally somewhere on the man’s body that I have not been informed of? If not, then we are all just taking someone’s word for it anyways. I say have sex whenever it’s available and you decide to. Aside from incest and pedophelia, it shouldn’t be a moral issue…it is, after all, one our basic needs. Are we going to start asking our boyfriends how many #&@$% they have taken in their lives?
shelleatualive
wrote on August 22 2008 @ 11:12 am: [report]
I think the whole numbers game is just another way to make women in particular feel like “sluts.” Are you really willing to hold yourself back from what could be a fun, passionate and satisfying encounter simply because you have already had X number of partners and you are half way to the arbitrary lifetime limit you have set for yourself? I’m not, thats ridiculous!In my opinion, if you are protecting yourself, being tested regularly and having consensual adult sex then the number of people they have slept with is a moot point. As long as a person can assure me that they are healthy and have been tested I do not need to know all their dirty little secrets.
Nicole
wrote on August 26 2008 @ 06:50 pm: [report]
My fiance is my 9th. I am happy about that. After my ex I told myself the next man I’m going to sleep with is going to be my husband. Low and behold 2 years later we met on my birthday at a bar. We didn’t hook up that night. but threes months later we finally did it (christmas night) and it was great. I never thought 9 was too many. I used to, but honestly I wouldn’t change it for the world. Because the other 8 guys have lead me to the man of my dreams. If I hadn’t have had all those relationships and the bad experiences…..I still be single and horny!!! (LMAO)
helen
wrote on September 9 2008 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
I just turned 25 yesterday and ive slept with 68 (i think but my list is at work!!!)
I have annual trips to the clinic
I choose not to have a boyfriend but like sex so 68 over 9.5 years (thats when i popped me cherry isnt many each year, its not like i sleep with a different person every week!!!)
Hannah Wiggin
wrote on September 9 2008 @ 01:24 pm: [report]
Ive slept with 109 this year, i decided to start counting on 1st Jan and by end of Jan had slept with 15
I am 33 and slept with over a thousand maybe 2 thousand men and women. I love sucking cock
I say just have fun, you only live once!! God gave you a fanny to be used!!!
elliott spencer
wrote on September 13 2008 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
i have slept with over 500 men i personally feel you havent lived unless you have had over 100 cocks in you
k paul blume
wrote on September 15 2008 @ 10:30 am: [report]
...but eliott, surely not all at the same time?!
roxyraw
wrote on October 5 2008 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
I don’t think there is a limit - there is no ‘too many’ sexual partners. F**k that! We live once and coming on a cock is the best feeling in the world… Why not do it as much as possible? It doesn’t make you a slut, it makes you a person who enjoys pleasureable sensations. Noone should ever be called a ‘slut’... These are modern times and casual sex isn’t a no no anymore. It’s up to that person. The only thing I can say about this is that condoms should most definitely be worn otherwise its just selfish to pass on these diseases. However, if the person your having sex with didn’t bring up a condom then, hell, they knew there was a risk!
Arsenic
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 09:29 pm: [report]
Isn’t this just an extension of the slut debate?
>>> http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-death-to-this-debate-slut/
TaraB3ar
wrote on April 22 2009 @ 11:22 pm: [report]
wow no wonder there are so many STD’s. All these comments kinda make me sad, while im not exactly virginal I still think sex means something and shouldn’t be as common as shaking hands :/
I definitely try to not judge people and I dont think people should be up tight about sex. However, ‘It doesn’t make you a slut, it makes you a person who enjoys pleasurable sensations,’ is not a very good argument, alcoholics and drug addicts could make the same claim. There is such a thing as self control.
Sawyer
wrote on January 15 2010 @ 01:34 am: [report]
This is kinda frightening to me. Well, maybe because I am young and have only slept with one person (many times).
Isn’t the average 7 for men and 4 for women?? I’ve read that many times! Where are these double digit and triple digits being pulled from?
MuchoMacho
wrote on January 15 2010 @ 01:49 pm: [report]
i’ve been using the number 7 since before it was true…
AnitaBath
wrote on January 15 2010 @ 01:56 pm: [report]
I think, so long as YOU are happy with your number, it’s not too many. I personally have only slept with 2 people and am fine with that number. If I were to become single soon, I would probably take advantage of it. I put a lot of importance on sex, and for me it’s very personal. I may try a one-night stand or a fling or two, but ultimately I wouldn’t be completely comfortable having a ton of sex with people I wasn’t in a relationship with. That’s just me though.
Queen Frostine
wrote on January 15 2010 @ 02:24 pm: [report]
I think it’s a personal question that varies depending on your own personal morals, beliefs and spirituality. To me, I had a small number (3) and sought a man with an equally small number (3) because of the way that I view and place importance on sex.
For me there is a great importance behind the act of sex. Almost spiritual. I don’t believe in casual sex and I do not want to be with someone who does or has before. It’s about being with someone who shares my values and spiritual perspectives.
Sex in any shape or form (for me) is reserved for serious committed and loving relationships. So it makes sense to me that I dated people who shared that same perspective. If a relationship wasn’t taken to that level, I did not engage in sex. I understand and respect others who do not share my views. To each their own way. It is a personal choice for all of us.