So I’m Engaged: Do I Have To Say Fiancé?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Thursday March 13th 2008
Engaged people can be obnoxious. That’s what I thought before I was engaged, and it’s what I think now that I am. For starters, engagements are by definition a lil’ flashy. Literally speaking, there’s the ring. I was always noticing women wearing big rocks, little rocks, enviable rocks, ugly rocks (Pear shaped diamonds?! Patooey!), when I would ride the subway. Sometimes I would find the bragginess of a big ol’ diamond annoying and contemptible. So now I turn my ring around on the way to work so I just look like a married lady with a wedding band.
Then there’s the wordage associated with engagements. I completely loathe the word “fiancé.” First of all, I am not French. In fact, I basically came thisclose to failing French in high school, but the kindness of my hot lesbian teacher, Mademoiselle McNally, saved me with a respectable D-. So why do Americans use the word fiancé to describe their betrothed? “Boyfriend/girlfriend” is so low key, mellow, unassuming, and friendly. Fiancé screams, “HA! HA! I am better than you! My relationship is so great, only a French word can describe it!” Unfortunately, there is no other word in the lexicon to describe my once-boyfriend, now future-husband, other than the hateful fiancé. I’ve tried to think of others, but “partner” sounds like we should be lesbians having a commitment ceremony at a backyard barbecue, while “lover” is as pretentious as “fiancé” only ickier. Eww, I would never refer to M. as my “lover” when speaking to my Dad.
Relationships with friends change after you get engaged. It’s not necessarily in a bad way – all friendships change as you grow from juvenile adults (the early 20’s) into mature adults (late-20’s, hopefully) and it’s not even because I’m necessarily coming off as a smug engaged. Because my love relationship has suddenly gone to the next level, sometimes I think my opinion on matters of the heart is considered suspicious. For example, before I would always be the person my friends would tell their relationship problems to and I was always adamant that they should expect the kind of relationship they deserve and never to settle – based a lot on my own decision to stop settling which led me to true love. Now that I’m a smug engaged, I almost wonder if my friends still think I get them and their relationship struggles, as if the ring on my finger indicates that all problems of my own have ceased to exist.
Then again, maybe I have changed too, when it comes to my friends and their relationship drama. I don’t really get it anymore, why some of my most wonderful friends stick with the most….blah guys. I can’t sympathize as easily. Grow up! Branch off on your own and try being single and stoked about it! But I know that suggestion would be met with, “Yeah, but you don’t know what it’s like…you’re engaged!”
And I am. But I wasn’t born engaged and I did spend 28 years and two months or so not as a smug engaged and I even lived for 24 years being totally 100% single (sometimes lonely, sometimes loving it), so my opinions are shaped less by the last two months and more by the previous 28 years. Who you are and what you think doesn’t change so dramatically when you wake up one day as a, gag, fiancé. I’m a pretentious Frenchie to the one person who doesn’t care that I can barely spit out bonjour, but I’m still the same smug singleton that I always was on the inside.
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Syphrite
wrote on March 13 2008 @ 07:18 pm: [report]
Wait until you get married. Your friends will stop calling altogether. :p
Alabama
wrote on March 17 2008 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
Yikes. No wonder I am so ambivalent about the idea!
atlgirl
wrote on March 18 2008 @ 03:51 am: [report]
It’s no more annoying than incessantly referring to your new husband as “my husband.” Girl, don’t change!
Amelia
wrote on March 18 2008 @ 04:27 am: [report]
Totally. Husband, fiance, boyfriend, WHATEVER, the dude has a NAME. Someone please strangle me if I ever refer to M. as anything other than M. more than 25% of the time.
JessicaWakefield
wrote on March 18 2008 @ 08:23 am: [report]
I think you should call him your “Sig.” As in significant other. “My sig and I went to this awesome new restaurant.” “My sig is so funny.” Etc. Yes? No?
Amelia
wrote on March 18 2008 @ 08:42 am: [report]
Kind of like how when he was my boyfriend I called him “the beef”? Honestly, I am totally in mourning because I can no longer call him that, technically.
Elle
wrote on March 18 2008 @ 09:44 am: [report]
You should call him whatever you want. If it makes you uncomfortable to call him fiance then don’t. I view marriage as extended dating. Nothing really changes from living with your boyfriend to living with your fiance/husband so why do you have to change? I was uncomfortable with saying fiance/husband at first, but then I got over it. It’s not about being smug or anything else, it’s about being comfortable with who you are, and your relationship. I personally think “the beef” is cute and you should keep calling him that as long as you want.
Slainna
wrote on April 15 2008 @ 07:36 pm: [report]
I refer to mine as one of the pet names I gave him, almost every time. Sickeningly cute? Probably, but I don’t really give a #&@$%.
Anon
wrote on September 4 2008 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
Betrothed? It can be used as a noun. Less annoying because you rarely hear it used anymore.
Denise M
wrote on January 10 2010 @ 02:54 am: [report]
I was married to a abusive man for 10 yrs. He broke every vow possible to break. Speaking of breaks he broke my finger-nose, and fractured my neck. I had two children by this monster. I was a CHRISTian therefore, I did not want to divorce though after he messed my neck up, and tried to slit my throat I finally came to my senses. That was many many yrs. ago. During our marriage my best friend Patty was killed by her abusive exstranged husband 2 weeks before her divorce was final. My Aunt Sue sent me a note when that happened saying for me to stay away from my husband or he would kill me too. Here is the deal my Aunt & cousins are friends with my ex now they send him loving friendship comments. To me this is a slap in my face, and a stab in my back from my family or friends who would do this to me. BTW none of my friends have done it. I am still a CHRISTian GOD tells us to love & forgive our enemies & everyone which I have. Though that does not mean I have to hang out with this ex of mine who is not sorry for his actions. I forgave him so I could go on live my life without anger, and be well/productive human being. I have always been civil at family functions, and his family has been nothing but rude to me in every way to this day. He remarried but after yrs. of abuse his wife left him. This man has told vicious lies about me on web sites that my family members have read, and still they befriend him. I know for a fact if I befriended their abusive exes they would be hurt. Being civil is one thing but being his buddy I feel is just so wrong. Though it bothers me, and hurts my feelings I do not dwell in this mess. I do not say anything to them either because they would try to justify it some how. I know for a fact that I would never do that to them. I would never befriend a person who hurt them like he did to me. When my children would visit him after the divorce I had to get supervised visits from the court because he was abusing our children. He had to pay $10 a visit per hour so he only showed up twice. The kids are all grown now, and they see him rarely except for one who has troubles of her own that she created (she lives with him). She acts like him her temper is awful, and I raised her to be a loving person. Just like him she became addicted to drugs/booze, and leads a life of bad relationships with really disrespectful men. I love her I love all my children though that does not mean I have to take any guff from him. Please pray for my Jamie-GOD BLESS