Six Rules For Being Friends With An Ex
Posted by: Ami Angelowicz
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Monday August 24th 2009
So you’ve made it through the horrifying breakup with someone you cared about ... now what? To be friends or not to be friends, that is the question. Most of the time I like to make a nice clean break adhering to a “no contact” and “no getting back together” policy. I’ve learned from experience that this is a necessary move for me to heal my ailing heart and move on. In time, I am usually content to be “acquaintances with history,” exchanging an email every once in a while or having friendly drinks with the exes that I still respect. But that’s only after time has passed and I’ve removed the rose-colored glasses that I used to gaze at him through. And, of course, there are the guys that I know I won’t ever see or speak with ever again ... those that have committed offenses of the heart too heinous to be forgiven in this lifetime. But it’s not always so black and white. Some people are worth keeping in your life.
After three years of love, friendship, and co-habitation, my relationship with Jeff suddenly unraveled. I called him up while he was on tour in Europe with his band. I had been up all night crying after I received an email from him telling me how much he missed me and I knew that it was time to be honest and do one of the hardest, most dreaded things I would ever have to do. I had been trying to talk myself out of it for days, but I just couldn’t.
“Jeff, I need to talk to you.”
“Oh no, what?” he said. He must have known on some level.
“I have feelings for someone else,” I responded.
“No,” he said, “No.” It was silent.
“Yes,” I said ashamed.
“No,” he said again.
“Yes.” I huddled in the corner of our bedroom realizing for the first time that it would no longer be ours. We cried together on the phone. It was devastating.
After moving all my stuff out and starting my life over—new place, new relationship, new me—I realized that Jeff was like family and I missed him. He knew all my friends, my family, everything about my life, and although I knew we weren’t meant to be together romantically, I was determined to have him in my life as a friend. Luckily, he felt the same way. Sure, it was rough at first, but in time we were actually able to make our friendship work, which is a testament to the bond we share. How did we do it? There were some guidelines we both followed that made it possible. Here are six rules for making that awkward transition from lovers to friends.
1. Mourning period: Give each other time to mourn the death of the relationship. The longer you two were together, the longer it will probably take before you are ready for friendship. It could be two months or two years—feel it out. You’ll know when the time is right because both of you will feel ready for it. Let hearts heal and flames fizzle out before hopping on the friendship train.
2. Keep it platonic: No sex, no kissing, no hand-holding, no flirting, no monkey business. At any time. Ever. Even after nights of heavy drinking.
3. Set clear emotional boundaries: Feeling down, having issues, looking to get your emotional needs fulfilled? Don’t go to him. Keep the friendship simple and without too much emotional entanglement. Talk about the things you have in common, shared interests, the things that made you friends during your relationship.
4. Seek out a love life: Meet other dudes. Date other dudes. If you’re pretending to be friends with him as you wait for him to fall in love with you again, then it’s not truly a friendship. Sorry to break it to you. On that note, no need to discuss your burgeoning love life with your ex. Not because you’re trying to spare any feelings, but rather out of respect and decorum. Call me old-fashioned. There may come a point when it’s cool for the two of you to discuss it. If it works for you and there’s no jealousy on either end ... be my guest!
5. No relationship analysis: If possible, avoid analyzing your relationship. Do that with your other friends, your therapist, or your journal. Keep the focus on your friendship instead. If there is some closure you still need and you want to discuss it, wait until you have some distance and perspective and can talk about it without getting too emotional.
6. More than friendly feelings: If you or your ex starts to have more than friendly feelings toward the other, back off and evaluate. Some people do get back together, but you should be very mindful about opening that door again unless you are sure. Also, unrequited love makes for a very bad “friendship.” Duh.
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bjoontheupside
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 09:22 am: [report]
I have this kind of friendship with one of my ex-boyfriends to which I am very proud of. Unfortunately, the problem I seem to have now is that I keep getting back together with another one. We are currently together as I type this. We’ve been on again, off again for almost three years now. It’s silly really because we’re both very much aware that we work best in a “friendship only” relationship, yet here we are again…
ootie
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
Every time I’ve stayed friends with an ex, I’ve ended up having a thing with them again. There was one time I think it was really good that we got back together, but in general we just fell back into it because we missed each other (and not because anything had necessarily changed). I guess I’m not the best at the staying friends thing.
Humble Bee
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]
I feel bad for my ex, he’s having a really tough time right now, but at the same time I don’t want to get close to him again because I don’t want to drag this wet blanket all over the place. He thinks I hate him because he keeps emailing me and I don’t reply. I’m not ready to talk to him again just because I know myself, I’m too nice and I feel a little weak minded in that I know I’ll feel sorry for him and let him in my life again. If he wasn’t benefitting once, he won’t be this time around either, I feel like he’ll only drain me with his problems. I just rather not, I should just follow your rule #5&6
I don’t want to meet new guys right now, I’m not ready for their crap either. It’s so hard to just find simple people that enjoy their life. I have problems too, but the difference is I know how to handle them and keep them where they belong whether its work, school, etc.
Thanks for this post.
Joey Daytona
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross had it right, whether it’s physical death or the relationship version… you feel grief adn respond to that.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally, Acceptance.
Good luck.
Pipi
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 03:04 pm: [report]
Oh god and absolutely never let your ex’s new girlfriend drag you into their relationship. This is how my ex’s now ex started stalking me. It pissed me off so much I started making moves on him again.
ccal
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]
I’m currently trying to figure out if I can be friends with my ex, we just broke up recently but it’s difficult to figure out if it possible after being on and off like we were. I don’t like that we broke up but I understand where he was coming from (he just started a job working a lot more hours and we live about and hour away from each other). He has told me many times that he still loves me but it just can’t work and that I’ll still see him just less often. I can’t figure out if he means he wants to be able to be friends or if he is saying I’m always going to love you so if I see you I wouldn’t mind hooking up with you. I know that we can’t be friends right away seeing as I’m still in the mourning period where even talking to him still hurts like hell, but I can’t decide if I can be friends with him even after I can talk to him and not want to cry.
develange
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 04:24 pm: [report]
I’d like to be friends with my ex, but…I think I’m just way to physically attracted to him to pull of #2. Plus, I can’t imagine NOT being jealous that he’s dating/doing someone else, unless I have someone…sigh.
Titi
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 08:17 pm: [report]
Damn fine article!
I’m very good friends with almost all of my exes, mostly because of these rules.
ChoJinn
wrote on August 25 2009 @ 11:01 pm: [report]
Waited until he was in Europe touring before breaking up, after three years, over the phone… Priceless, and probably makes up for a disproportionate amount of American male jerk behavior for the year 2009.
Being friendly with an ex is totally fine, if not responsibly adult, but me being true “friends” with one would require some physical indifference. Otherwise good rules to follow if you’re so inclined.
veronicainla
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 01:02 pm: [report]
I am great friends with an ex now, but at the time we parted ways I can assure you I thought we’d never speak again. It does take time- really, it’s taken somewhere between two and three years- but it can be worth it to step back, let it all go, and eventually just be friends. Although the circumstances regarding the breakup can have a lot of influence on any future relationships with an ex, friends or otherwise, so I don’t think this would work so easily in all situations. (On a side note, we actually get along better now than we did when we were dating! Weird, huh?)
Neo
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 12:18 am: [report]
“He was ok to f**k for three years, but geez, you can’t stay with someone forever. Now he’s my pet.”
BlueVibe
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
Looooots of elbow room.
I never stay friends with exes. I’m not angry, I don’t hate them, I don’t actively avoid them, it’s just much cleaner and simpler if we fade out of each others’ lives. We’re friendly, but we’re not buddy-buddy any more. Yeah, I miss stuff about them, but it’s worth it not to have tensions in my own current relationship, or to cause tensions in my exes’, and never to have to deal with their touchy new girlfriends.