Signs Your Lover Is Having An Emotional Affair
Posted by: Annika Harris
Filed in:
relationships
1:00PM, Tuesday January 13th 2009
The emotional affair is when your lover is looking for someone with whom he can experience an intense emotional experience. His primary reason for the affair isn’t sex. Since emotional affairs are more subtle, you’ll have to spend more time gathering evidence because this type of affair is simply easier to deny. Here’s what you should look for, according to Ronald T. Potter-Efron, Ph.D., M.S.W. and co-author of The Emotional Affair after the jump.
- He doesn’t share important aspects of his life with you, including emotions.
- He spends less time with you, his committed partner, and seems bewitched by his special friend, who seems to meet his needs. You’ll notice when he talks about his “friendship,” he seems to have stars in his eyes.
- Your lover and his special friend will seem to have eyes only for each other. Their eyes may brighten or their voices may fluctuate when they’re together. However, their intense connection is probably not sexual.
- He may pick fights with you because he sees his special friend as all good, whereas you are all bad. He may even blame his affair on you, saying “I’m doing this because of you.” You’ll probably get very angry and may want to retaliate, but that will only give him more reason and justification for having an emotional affair.
- He seems to avoid you at all costs. He may come home late. He’s probably not super busy, but may be trying to spend more time with the other person.
- He spends a lot of time on the computer. Most people have Facebook pages or are members of some other social networking site, which, along with online dating, makes developing an emotional affair easier. He may come to idealize an online friend, even though he has never met the person.
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Dmun
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
If you take an “emotional affair”, switch the guy to a girl and keep the other person female, wouldn’t you just call that “Your Best Friend?”
Annika Harris
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
Actually, you can have an emotional affair with someone of the same sex. If the third person is taking something away from the committed relationship, then it’s still an emotional affair.
Chelle
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 06:08 pm: [report]
I learned about “emotional cheating” from my ex. He admitted to doing this while we were together with this girl who gave him rides to work (he told me after we broke up). I thought it was kind of silly when he told me. But now that I think about it, he would start fights with me a lot (and our fights got very nasty anyway). He also stopped waiting up for me and would pass out on the couch (a way to avoid me). I guess it does exist after all.
Jesse
wrote on January 13 2009 @ 09:31 pm: [report]
To my knowledge, this has never happened to me. A sexual affair has. It seems like the emotional affair would hurt worse. :c
Provocative Girl
wrote on January 14 2009 @ 09:33 pm: [report]
an emotional affair could be the worst feeling in the world. when you’ve got a boyfriend but he has another “best girlfriend” that he goes to with all the typical gf issues so he doesn’t bother you isn’t cool. because then all you’re good for is a booty call.
VickyGeez
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 08:45 am: [report]
This is the closest thing I could find to my issue, and I’m really dieing to know what other people think, if I’m crazy. I moved in with my boyfreind Wayne October 10th 2008, I moved from Fort Wayne Indiana here to Cincinnati Ohio (3 hr distance). I’d only met him September 16th 2008 but late October found out I’m pregnant. He really seems like he couldn’t be happyer. I’m 23 and he is 43 but could easily pass for 30. He’s a quality electrical engineer works mornings and I got a job at a gas station which put me on 2nd shift to cover someone who went on vacation for a month. When your man works 1st shift 8am-4:30pm and you work 2pm-10pm it’s VERY hard to have any social life. Now he knows I’m very sexual, I love sex, hell if I could do it all day every day I’d be in heaven. He can only have sex once and pushing it 2 times but many hours appart. Every night after I got off work I’d feel for his penis but he’d say hes to tired or not into it it’s to late. So wed go a full week with no sex, he KNOWS this kills me. One day I went online and check the online history and find porn. I’m sensitive about it only because I live with him, and I could only wish my man would only have eyes for me, now that I know is insaine so I know it’s something I should push aside. The next day we went out to eat and I couldn’t help but be quiet and not say anything which he knew something was wrong because I’m always complaining about my food. I said I’d like to talk about it when I get back from work, I want more time to talk. He texted me while I was at work saying its killing him he wants to know whats wrong. After bugging me about it for so long in texts, I texted to him, “its more of a rule or limitation, but a question, and something I feel very stong about and if neither of us can come to an agreement, we wont be happy”. I really didn’t want to say anything but he asked for it. He got it, he knew what I was talking about which supprised me. I asked “what are you thinking about?” He said, “Thinking about how to say sorry for touching my monkey to cyber porn” was his exact words. I was furious. I told him I’dve rather talked about it in person, but I went off in text on how, I could see if I was depriving him, but I come home every night after work when I’d die for sex but hes already came thinking of #&@$% another woman. He said he never meant to hurt me, but to me its not about hurt its that he saw nothing wrong with it in the first place, AND if I hadn’t said anything about it, he’d still be doing it and probably would never stop. He didn’t say anything to that because I know its true. And that hurts me. He said he will stop, but in my mind, it’s almost a bad as cheating in that I didn’t get any love from him for a whole week, and he was OK with that. It wouldn’t bother me really at all if I wasn’t living with him and going to have his baby or maybe I’m just super moody because I’m pregnant. If I wasn’t pregnant I’ll tell you now though I was angry enough to have left him because of it. And what sucks in mymind, is Wayne and I have some of our “personal” pictures we’ve taken. Having thoes is quite enough for me, I don’t need to see other “hott men” to get me off, only my man. BUT also, it was the kind of porn he was looking at. I’m a bit of a bigger girl and I have big boobs. I wear a tight Double D, or a fit E. He’s a little guy 5’3 weighs little less then 110 lbs. I am 5’8 and 2x his weight. He seems to have no problem with it, but the porn he looks at is girls with small boobs, actually I think the sites called ihavesmalltits.com or something, which worrys me, I just don’t know, and I want to know what other people think of the situation, because it’s been 3 weeks and it’s still bothering me, though I hide it well now I think. Please help me out with thoughts and oppinions. And no I’m not looking for way out, I love every moment I spend with him and I know he enjoys his time with me. I am off that schedual and I work 3 days a week night shift which still sucks but better then 2nd shift.
-VickyGeez
OldSchool
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 04:49 pm: [report]
Annika is absolutely right that this emotional relationship does not have to be with the other gender. My ex-wife’s best friend relationship morphed into something of unusual strength and influence. Her girlfriend was divorced and wanted to have my wife as her sidekick and disciple, so she painted a rather rosy picture of what life would be as a single mom with a carefree life and busy dating calendar (and what a jerk I was for expecting anything from my marital relationship). Before it was over, the gf had evolved from best friend to confidant, mentor, opinion leader and ethics counselor (as in ‘chief rationalizer’). When I pointed out how poor our marital communication had become and how her “nuclear family” placed the gf in the center circle where I should have been located, it was, of course, all my fault (but she did not argue the facts). The gf introduced her to the “therapist” and divorce lawyer she had utilized herself as well as my ex’s first post-marital boyfriend (who was a rather weak soul unwilling to challenge the primacy of the gf). Of course, when the gf found a husband just weeks later, she jumped at the chance to remarry and left my ex-wife to find out just how tough it is to be a single mom at 40 and all on her own. (Yep, the new boyfriend wimped out.) Is that what you call a ‘frienemy’? Betrayal is a bitch! A least being single in my 40’s is a lot of fun for me.
Chelle
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]
@VickyGeez-Looking at porn on the internet isn’t emotional cheating (or cheating at all). He probably looks at the A-cup girls ‘cause he can see bigger boobs by looking at you so he doesn’t need to see it online. Porn is just fantasy that requires little imagination. Don’t you think it’s better for him to entertain himself with that than some other woman while you’re at work? Different work schedules can be very difficult. He probably is too tired by the time you come home from work. Think about how you’d feel if your schedules were the other way around. You also mentioned he’s older. Older men have less energy and sometimes less sex drive as a result. If he still doesn’t give it up after your schedules match up a little better then that would be cause for concern.
jbenmoss
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
The emotional affair absolutely *is* worse than a sexual one. My wife is ending our marriage partly because of an emotional affair she’s been having. No counseling, no trying to work it out, she’s just leaving. After 12 years of marriage (17 years total) and two beautiful children.
How do you compete in real life against something so intangible as a “cosmic connection”? How does that even begin to compare to the balance of 17 years of devotion?
bumbler
wrote on October 2 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
@jben I’m sorry you’re going through that, it must be devastating. Some of my friends who have been cheated on (physically and emotionally)have sung the praises of survivinginfidelity.com to me. They said talking with other people who had gone through the same thing really helped them cope.
When it comes down to it an affair is a fantasy, a lie the cheaters tell to themselves. Things may seem wonderful and rosy now but see how she feels once she has to deal with the day to day life with the other man.