Shun, Shag, Or Marry: The Men Of “Couples Retreat”

“Couples Retreat,” the flick about four couples who receive couples therapy on a paradise vacation, killed it at the box office this weekend, pulling in $35.3 million by Sunday night, which is pretty impressive since critics have been slamming it. My brother even claims it was worse than “Joe Versus the Volcano,” which is the film to which we compare all bad movies. But neither success nor criticism can distract us from the most important question of all, which is, of course: Which cast members would we shun, shag, or marry? I cursed the day that I would have to shun any of these fine gentlemen, but, unfortunately, journalism is a cutthroat vocation and sometimes you’ve got to break some eggs to make breakfast.

• SHUN: Vince Vaughn Stop your whimpering, ladies, there’s an explanation. Yes, Vince Vaughn is adorable, hilarious, successful, and manly. Yes, I would toooootally sleep with him, but for the sake of the game, let’s look at his romantic history. He’s slutty. Sure, he’s engaged to Kyla Weber, but that happened last February and there appears to be no wedding date in sight. After his on-again, off-again shenanigans with Jennifer Aniston, we think Vince isn’t really ready to settle down. An insider says that he’s still flirting and that his pals won’t be shocked if he calls off the engagement. And Vince himself has already alluded to his reluctance to marry. He said, “I know that men marry women hoping that they will not change and women marry men hoping that they will change, and inevitably everyone’s disappointed.” Yes, his flirty persona is part of the charm, but ... next! [Press Association]
• SHAG: Jason Bateman Jason has magically looked almost exactly the same for three decades, since he was a “Tiger Beat” child star in the twice renamed “Valerie/Valerie’s Family/The Hogan Family.” But we love him most for his award-winning performance as Michael Bluth in “Arrested Development,” which secured his spot as the Jason the shag-able. But, most importantly, he’s hilarious and has had to work his butt off to get back on top. Along with his sister Justine, who starred in “Family Ties,” Jason supported his parents; when it had been a long while between roles, he called his agent and said, “You have to look harder. I shouldn’t be this good at golf.” He might have married actress Amanda Anka and made a baby Bateman already, but he’s still playing the charming, cocky, trouble-maker role and, let’s just say, it suits him. [USA Today]
• MARRY: Jon Favreau Everything about Jon proves that he’s a nurturing, endearing guy. He pretty much made his bestie Vince Vaughn what he is today. After the pair met on the set of “Rudy,” Jon wrote “Swingers,” which brought both of them a ton of opportunities. But the fact that Jon is a gifted writer and actor is what makes him marriage material. Not to insinuate that actors are dumb, but having writing skills, especially of the cinematic variety, shows spunk. It’s even hawt that Jon credits Dungeons and Dragons for giving him “a really strong background in imagination, storytelling, understanding how to create tone and a sense of balance.” The kind of balance and romanticism that he brings to his happy marriage with Joya Tillem, who mothered his three kids. I guess when choosing between the cocky, womanizing men or the brainy quiet guy who used to like role-playing games, the nerd always wins in the long-term! [LA Times]

Editor’s Note: I want it on record that though I support Olivia’s right to Shun, Shag, and Marry who she wants, I am in complete disagreement on her rankings. I would shun Jon, shag Vince, and marry Jason. Just sayin’.