Shun, Shag, Or Marry?: Bromantic Duos!

Paul Rudd and Jason Segal’s “I Love You, Man” opens on today, and Forbes says this breed of male comic duos are “more enlightened” and “less homophobic” than predecessors like Laurel and Hardy. Why do people pretend men weren’t friends before the “bromance” phenomenon? You think Jesus didn’t love his disciples? Those men were crazy emo. And “The Odd Couple”? Totes loved each other. Here’s who we’d shun, shag and marry…

SHUN: Jonah Hill and Michael Cera. They’re lovable, awkward, and exploring their sexuality. Cute. But in “Superbad” they were, for lack of a better word, superbad at relating to the ladies. Turn us down once we start barfing on the bedspread? Give us black eyes? No thanks. This is like when women are excited about taking a guy’s virginity. What’s the point? They’ll either idolize you or hate you for making fun of them when they only make it two pumps. It’s not worth the trouble.

SHAG: George Clooney and Brad Pitt. These two met up in “Ocean’s Eleven,” “Twelve,” “Thirteen” and again in last year’s “Burn After Reading.” Why would we want to shag and not marry? Cause every single woman in the world would kill for a chance to smooch either of these heartbreakers, and we’re not interested in being another of their female casualties. They’re both pushing fifty, but it’s not worth sticking around to claim inheritance if they’ll just leave you for a bartender or Angelina Jolie. Regardless, this would be a menage a trois for the history books.

MARRY: Paul Rudd and Jason Segel. Tallish, darkish, handsome, and FUNNY. These two have been in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and “Knocked Up” together, and now they’re playing the ultimate couple that we’d like to manwich in “I Love You, Man.” We’ve already seen Segel’s full-frontal (yum) and Rudd already played a gay man in “The Object of My Affection,” so they should have no problem with the long triangle marriage. Who cares if Rudd is already married? It’s an obstacle—not a wall. If we move to Utah, can we have both at the same time?