Shun, Shag, Or Marry?: British Royals

This weekend, Prince Harry was seen snuggling with his ex, Chelsy Davy. Two months ago, Chels broke it off because she wanted to stop partying and start getting serious about her law career. Apparently he got her to take him back by wearing an Alice Cooper wig and taking her to a rave. Classy dude, that Hank. Does it run in the fam? Here’s who we’d shun, shag, and marry from the royal menagerie…

SHUN: Prince Charles. Um, because nobody likes a CHEATER. Ever since he ditched Diana by saying he wanted to be Camilla’s tampon, this dude has given us a serious case of the icks. Prince Up-Chuck does some good stuff, like speaking out on climate change, but then he whines that nobody listens. Seriously, after that tampon story, can you think of anything else but bloody gauze while watching his lips move? Um, no, didn’t think so.

SHAG: Prince Harry. With his ginger fringe and penchant for all things drinky and druggy, Harry is a good-time boy who goes for extremes: painting his toenails pink one day, joining the military the next. Sure, we’d go for ride on his army-issue helicopter—and come back for seconds. But his habit of getting into nasty scrapes would get in the way of our more serious affections—who wants to stand by a dude who dresses as a Nazi for Halloween or calls his battalion mate a “Paki?” In February, Harry was forced to enter sensitivity training after saying one too many racist things. But who needs sensitivity if all you’re looking for is a rough roll in the Buckingham hay?

MARRY: Prince William. This real-life Prince Charming has it all: devotion to his girlfriend of seven years, Kate Middleton; highest honors at St. Andrews University; and a hankering to follow his mom’s footsteps into charity work. Aw. Wills made himself ever hotter (as if that was possible!) when he took over as patron of Britain’s Child Bereavement Charity, a group Diana founded and which obvs has special meaning for the orphaned prince. He’s active in the army, like his bro, but instead of going full-on army brat he is dividing his time between army duties and the charity stuff. A French newspaper is reporting that he’ll propose to Kate any day now…if she says no, you know who’s first in line with her fake tiara.