Should She Confront Her Date Rapist Via Facebook?

Kiki T
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]

She should say what she has too—seems that is one way it can help her make peace with the situation more…and if she says nothing, that is like saying it’s okay. She can’t expect he is going to say anything to give her peace of mind—although he might…but what she has to be is responsible for herself and I think speaking up is one way for her to do her part for herself and hopefully for this guy who did what he did. otherwise, it’ll be another 5 years and she will still wonder what she could do, instead of saying, “today, I am going to do something about it.”

babybritain
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]

She should only contact him if she is comfortable just telling him how she feels and what happened and getting any or no response including denial or a lot of anger. If she wants him to say “ok, I’ll never do it again” contacting him is a really really bad idea, the only people rapists say that to are police and judges.

Jamie Lee
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 11:30 am: [report]

if she can take it or leave it, i say leave it…because chances are he is going to be a big d-bag and totally deny it if she does confront him. Or he might not even respond…but if she feels like she has to say something, go ahead do it and if he doesn’t reply after a day or two..block him so that it won’t be a constant reminder everytime she logs in and sees his face there. And if he does respond, leave it at that…don’t start any back and forth or anything. Read the response, block him and move on

writergirl
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 11:30 am: [report]

I think she needs to see a counselor first to help her learn whether or not she was really raped.

I know two girls in college who were date raped.  It didn’t take them five years to determine that was what had happened; they knew it was GOING to happen and they couldn’t stop it.

Situations differ, I am sure…

But I think she needs to get her own head stablized before she trys to confront her alleged attacker.

retro chic
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]

My God, yes to both: See counselor first… she needs the pros behind her to deal any confrontation with the date-perp. He knows what he did, and believe me, he’s ready for her accusations… and I don’t mean in a good way. There will be untold reactions that could ripple thru areas she didn’t count on and she’ll need support and training for that.

If she doesn’t confront this, she’ll continue to blow off bigger, more dangerous situations, with her weakened self-esteem, unable to detect or defend.

BTW, she has no control over whether the date-perp truly understands his actions or if he’ll ever do it again. Grrrrrr… back to my bowl of cereal sprinkled with plutonium on it.

retro chic
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 12:03 pm: [report]

PS to my post above:
I have read more of the others’ posts, so to be clear… She.Was.Raped. But confrontation in FB is NOT the way to deal if she wants to help herself… the real goal here. Five years is nothing compared to the continued damage that will result if she does nothing.

Everyone, men and women should know:
The elements of rape are that she was vomiting and lapsing in and out of consciousness FIRST, which legally and morally speaking means he violated an incapacitated person who no longer has the ability to give consent. This goes waaaay beyond the distastefulness of not holding her head while she vomited or not seeking help if necessary.
Wise up, my chickens. Hope none of you ever go thru it. *(((  )))*

thegr8brownie
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 12:46 pm: [report]

I know this may sounds really cold, and i know as a man i will never really understand, but…

If you don’t do anything, then it is ok for that man to rape.

That’s why rape is such a problem, because most of the time, there are no consequences because the women never do anything about it. Stand up for your self and send that #&@$% to prison, or at the very least, call him out!
I don’t know why women are so affraid, or embaressed, or ashamed of being raped, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT! Its his, and he shoudl be affraid and ashamed and embaressed.
And thats not going to happen as long as women let men get away with it.

lalaland
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 12:54 pm: [report]

Nope, sorry, clearly you don’t get it. And saying things like “If you don’t do anything, then it is ok for that man to rape.” Doesn’t help!

HitOrMissJudy
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]

Wow. “If you don’t do anything, then it is okay for that man to rape?!?” Are you kidding? Or just mind-blowingly stupid? If I kill someone and I don’t get caught, then is that okay? A lot of women don’t confront their attackers for many different reasons, but that does not make it the woman’s fault that she got raped. Men shouldn’t need women to tell them not to rape. To say otherwise, insults all men.

Also, do you know the percentage of rape cases that result in a conviction? 54% wind up acquitted or dismissed. 21% of those convicted are never sent to prison. Good times for their victims, right?

retro chic
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]

Amen, Brother Brownie!
Sooo glad to hear a man speak out on this… much more empowering for her too, I’m sure. Unfortunately, short of video, and after five years, the DA will not prosecute. Whole other can right there (abuse by that system, etc). But he does need to be called out!

thegr8brownie
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]

well maybe you don’t get it, so think of men as a dogs (which should be easy for most of you)

if your dog pisses in the kitchen, and you don’t punish him, guess what? he thinks its ok, or rather, he doesn’t know it isn’t ok.

like i said, i know its cold, but doesn’t it piss you off that men can do that and get away with it?
bottom line is, i hate rapist as much as you do, and i want them to face justice.

Amelia
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]

@thegr8brownie No one is saying you like rapists, but you also haven’t educated yourself about the statistics or thought deeply about the reasons why a woman might not report a sexual assault. Judy is right—the stats on how many rapists are prosecuted let alone convicted are extremely low. The system needs to change, then maybe women would feel more encouraged to report their attackers. Comments like yours don’t help.

EastCoastMale
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]

She should see a counselor if she feels she needs to.
Letting him know how she feels may help give HER piece of mind but I think that in no way does it increase the chances that he wont do it again. If someone is ok with being that low of a human being, someone telling them how they feel from an incident that was some time ago is unlikely to suddenly open their eyes. If she needs it to feel complete or find closure in her own mind then go ahead. I also want to echo some of the comments made in that, why didnt she do anything at the time but now wants to pursue this all of the sudden? and not even to legal measures…
What surprises me is that she only thought to seek this closure after some sort of notification on facebook…does this say something about us as a society in general? as in, we dont remember that we might want to confront someone who raped us until it is put in our lap on a social networking site.

thegr8brownie
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]

First of all, I didn’t bring up any statistics.
Second of all, what makes you think those statistics are even close to being accurate? Im guessing that if they don’t feel comfortasble enough to come forward, checking a box on a survey isn’t going to be much easier.

Im speaking form personal experience, the majority of women i know, did nothing about it. The majority of thier attackers, had no consequences, and for all i know, are still raping.

No, my comment doesn’t help any more than anybody elses. Im just trying to shock people into some kind of action.

And being charged with rape still puts you on the sexual offenders list!

WinkyFace
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]

@EastCoastMale: it does, sadly, speak volumes about our society when someone only wants to say something to their rapist when they see them on a social networking site. What that message is, I’m not quite sure, but it is disturbing.

I was personally sexually assaulted 9 years ago, and haven’t seen the guy since (he was a friend of a friend). I also wonder what I would do if I ever saw him again. Would I have the balls to confront him? Was he even aware that what he was doing was wrong (we were both under the influence and I was lucky enough to get away)?

I never reported him to anyone, though I did tell all my friends, because, like many victims probably felt, I wasn’t sure if anyone would believe me. I was also embarrassed and confused, and, let’s face it, very young and naive. If this were to happen to me today, it would be a different story, but when you are fresh out of high school you become so afraid of how people will perceive you. I basically just wanted to forget the whole thing.

If the guy ever did pop up on my Facebook, I don’t think I’d say anything. But that is just MY point of view. Obviously this girl seeking advice is much more traumatized. Not only does should she seek counseling, but it would give her peace of mind to speak up to him. As someone said before, send him a message, and the block him from contacting her so that she will never know if he does or does not respond. It can be very cathartic, I’m sure.

bislane
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]

“If you don’t do anything, then it is ok for that man to rape.”
wowwwwww…there are so many things wrong with this statement, i’m not sure where to begin.

doridori
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]

I think that this woman should leave it alone.
She’s wanting to confront a person that has caused a lot of mental and emotional anguish 5 years AFTER THE FACT on a social networking website? Why re-open wounds, especially if you’re not going to seek any legal retribution? If she should proceed, who’s to say that the***hole that raped her will even be sympatric or remorseful? You can’t force an apology.
If she could take it or leave it, she wouldn’t have brought it up. She’s still healing and it would do her a world of good to go see a therapist about this.

peacock
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]

I think what brownie means is that if a man rapes, and the victim does nothing then he/she is sending the message that it is okay for him to do it because there are no consequences.  If the woman acts like the even is not a big deal to her, why should the man act as if it was anything more?

And as to Judy’s statistics, when you google in “rape conviction statistics”, its seems like you just used the first website that popped up. The article is from 1996, so the statistics are probably a little outdated. And the statistics that you give are only cited with the name of an article, so there is no way to tell where those statistics actually come from.

Erin G
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]

I think what brownie means to say is “If you don’t do anything, then the man may think it is ok to rape.” Predators (note this applies to both men and women) think in a very basic manner, like a child, who would only not steal a cookie from the cookie jar because he or she would get in trouble, not because it is wrong.

I think this girl should go some other route besides FB. I’m afraid what his reply would be: “hur hur b**ch, you should have just put out, think of yourself as lucky” etc.

retro chic
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]

Whoa, Rebel WOAC, Who Faces West. Welcome back. But, it’s important to educate yourself first. Sorry, but maybe only those that have had contact with this can know of the repression that is involved, and because the person was known to them makes it that much more confusing.

As I mentioned, and Judy, the system doesn’t mean H-E-L-P, only cases they can win. But I agree, FB is not the place to confront; but do understand, it was the trigger to reopening an unhealed wound. And Judy, reality and “should” are two different things. Some men DO need to be told not to rape because of unclear definitions from role models and many objectifying factors during youth.

wouldntitbenice
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 02:34 pm: [report]

By contacting him she gets to say what she wants to say, and tell him what she thinks/ demand an apology. But then she gives him the opportunity to say whatever he wants, and I doubt she’s going to like what he has to say because it’s super unlikely that he’s going to respond with, “I know and I am soooo sorry! I’ve spent the last X-many years beating myself up over it!” It’s going to be something rude and most likely traumatic. He’s probably going to deny it and say things that will hurt her. I say don’t contact him—block him so he never pops up on her facebook again, see a counselor to work out her feelings. She doesn’t need to tell him he’s an #&@$% to know he is one. IF she does contact him, it should be after speaking to a counselor and realizing that she absolutely cant work though it without confronting him.

aminata
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]

A lady in her situation should be cautious about confronting this man about the date rape.  He could respond in such a way that undermines the progress that she makes to heal.  She may want to send him a message detailing her feelings, then immediately block him, so he cannot respond back.  She should also seek counseling.

As for women doing something to stop guys, I think more GUYS need to stop guys from attacking women.  As a woman who was violently attacked by a man and know other women who have as well, I can tell you that the men in law enforcement frequently do nothing to capture rapists or they try to turn the tables on women, suggesting the woman is at fault for what is happening.  THAT is the reason why so many women do not try to get justice through the system. 

The system puts more emphasis on crimes like murder and drug dealing than it does on rape, whether it be the rape of a woman or even a child.  We can look at how many child molesters are free walking the streets compared to how many drug dealers are in jail to see the fact of the matter. 

GUYS need to stop guys from these actions by letting men know sexual violence will not be accepted, instead of looking the other way, or blaming women for not retaliating via the justice system.  Why should women have to seek justice after the fact?  That doesn’t stop violence.  We still bear the brunt of those actions, even if we get our day in court. What we need is male self control.

vanya
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 02:47 pm: [report]

I, too, think she should choose a different venue than Facebook and seek counseling prior.  His reply is likely to be hurtful to her, even if, or especially if, he has no recollection of her at all.

theoldman
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 07:36 pm: [report]

I am going to comment because I have seen what this does long term to the victim. Leaving the issue unresolved will make it very difficult for her to develop a trusting intimate relationship with any man where her new love doesn’t pay a heavy price for the sins of rapist. My lab partner in an astronomy class my senior year had this happen the year before when she was a freshman.  By the end of the first semester I was her safety date (an officer and a gentleman by act of Congress) she could use to decline requests for dates from other students.  I was safe because I already had orders sending me to Viet Nam after graduation. Any bad behavior on my part would be dealt with by the UCMJ. So I eventually learned why she hated all men except her father by being an ear she could bend.  She missed out on a LTR and the children she wanted. 

Traumatic issues like this need to be addressed by professionals as soon as possible.  Don’t wait 30 years like I did for accident that occurred in the Army.  The price is too high.

As to the young scum who posted at her site, no chance he doesn’t remember dating her.  She is one of his conquests and a part of his self esteem.  My guess is he is looking to repeat his conquest.  That makes dealing with him important because otherwise he will appear again and again like a bad penny.  How to deal with him?  The judicial criminal system isn’t an option.  No concurrent report and at this time a problem with the statue of limitations in many states.  A medical professional should help her devise a plan to deal with this guy.  She has to come to terms with what happened and get him out of her life for good.  In Texas a protective order under the Family Code would keep him away both personally and on line under pain of prison.  Rapists and spousal abusers don’t fair well there.  Don’t drop the soap.

As to how to fix this, parents (mothers and fathers) are going to have to teach young men to respect women.  Women are going to have to listen to Aretha and follow her demand.  Sadly peer pressure doesn’t seem to work.  The US Army now has a specific program to deal with this while complaints filed and resulting disciplinary action has doubled in the last couple of years there doesn’t seem to be a decline in the number of assaults , groping,  lewd behavior or comments.  Then consider how the Navy admirals defended the Tailhook scandal.  It is like the greed on Wall Street some people just don’t “get it”.

Tamara
wrote on March 26 2009 @ 10:35 pm: [report]

I’d write him a letter and express how I felt, but save it for the moment. I’d begin working with a rape counselor to help me deal with the old emotions and damage, along with the new that’s come on from seeing and knowing he’s still around. It may sound stupid, but that man knows what he did, he knows it was rape and if he’s done it once, he’s probably done it again and again. If he’s out waking around free and on facebook, this means no one has ever taken a stand against him and if they have it’s never gotten far.

If it were me I have friends who are cops, I would have his name run and see if there have ever been any charges brought against him, or any accusations for similar crimes. If there have and there are any that are unresolved or pending, I’d contact the prosecutor or cops on the case and tell my story. He probably won’t ever be charged on my behalf, but it could help others.

FriskyDrew
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 12:19 am: [report]

First and foremost, this is about HER. I would think about seeing a counselor. I would also be thinking about how anything you do will benefit HER.

Many daterapists think it’s ok. If the goal is to express herself, it may be a good idea. If the goal is to stop him, well, that’s less certain to be successful… worthy, but less certain.

As for confronting the man…douchebag, sack of #&@$%, whatever…I would think about how it will go. The guy would either say “sorry”, be neutral and ignore, try to initiate contact with her (not exactly ideal) OR he could get pretty mean and try to retaliate.

The point: If he’s going to feel sorry, then he’ll do it whether he knows your real account or not. I would block HIS username from your real account and start a different account under a different name. Send him a message from the new account and IF he will feel like a jackass from confrontation, then he can feel like a jackass without YOUR REAL account and *hopefully* she wouldn’t need to think about retaliation…assuming he doesn’t know her family or her friends or her workplace or her school. (Then again, if they have common friends, that might be the PERFECT chance to get social support and confront that MF in a group!! Wouldn’t that be fun!!)

There are lots of ways for him to “get” that what he did was wrong. 4 guys with baseball bats is one way, a letter from an anonymous source, or an anonymous Facebook message may be an ok idea too.

Whatever she decides, keep HER OWN safety and care in mind.  I’m not saying be demure, I’m saying think about doing what she can handle in a way that’s most beneficial.