Should People Vow To Have Regular Sex When They Marry?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
9:30AM, Thursday April 2nd 2009
In a recent Savage Love column, Dan Savage made a pretty provocative assertion that “when we marry, we’re signing up to f**k someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in f**king? Don’t marry.” He was responding to a letter from a woman whose husband, despite jerking off to porn three times a week, only had “quasi-forced, strictly missionary” sex with her “at most three times a year.” With an unsatisfied “sex drive of a 16-year-old boy,” she said she was at the point that she was ready to go f**k “a minor-league soccer team.” Savage’s response? She should!
I can’t say that I necessarily agree with his advice to stay married and have an open relationship, which is based on the fact that they have a kid together, and the assumption that their marriage is an otherwise happy and healthy one. He argues that if they’re compatible, they should stay together for the kid’s sake and have an open relationship that would allow for the sexually frustrated wife “to seek safe, sane, and nondisruptive sex elsewhere.” Personally, I think the whole sex issue is a symptom of something much deeper that can’t possibly be healthy for a kid to grow up around, and besides that, kid or no kid, people deserve to be married to spouses who want to f**k ‘em.
That brings us back to Savage’s earlier argument that if you’re not interested in having regular sex with the same person for decades, don’t marry him or her. With the exception of marriages designed to trick the system, I whole-heartedly agree with his sentiment. You know what we call relationships that don’t involve sex and intimacy? Friendships! I mean, barring serious illness or some physical problem that makes sex impossible or completely impractical, it’s just cruel and unusual to remain legally committed to someone without giving it up on a regular basis. Sure, some people are asexual (remember them?), but for everyone else, sex is a necessary component of a happy, healthy life. To deny the person you love of this basic human need is to fail as a spouse. Vowing to stay committed in sickness and in health is great, but when are people going to start vowing to stay committed in the sack, too?
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:37 am: [report]
Being a sex columnist as well as being gay, Dan Savage should not be allowed to comment on married people’s sex lives, not because he is gay or a sex columnist, but because he is young, and can relate to none of the characteristics the woman in the article wrote in about.
Rose
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:53 am: [report]
I don’t agree with everything Dan Savage says, but no advice-giver can be expected to have direct experience in EVERYTHING they advise people about. That being said, I think he’s right on about sex and marriage. Unless you negotiate sexlessness (and possibly openness) before you say I do, you have an obligation to keep the frisky in your marriage through good communication, trust, and regular booty. Otherwise, call it what it is: roommates.
vanya
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:23 am: [report]
Yes, I think married couples (straight or gay) should be having sex on a regular basis. I also believe that if one partner does not desire sex with their spouse, they owe it to themselves and their spouse to get whatever help they need to remedy the situation (counseling for past sexual abuse, therapy for post-partum depression, change of medications, etc., whatever)
Good sex, and frequent sex, and hallmarks of a healthy and strong marriage.
@Cheese, Dan Savage is young? He’s 44. I don’t consider that old; but it doesn’t strike me as an age at which people consider someone “young”, either.
Either way, he’s been with his partner for over 15 years; and they raise their son together. There is the possibility he has more in common with the subject than we know, I suppose.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]
@Vanya: Wow, he looks good for 44. Well, every time I’ve seen him on Bill Maher’s show that is, perhaps it’s the makeup. Anyway, it seems my point has been made moot.
retro chic
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
Good one, Wendy/Dan, and Meg is again pounding her table, “Yes! Yes! Yes!”...
Maybe marriage vows should be changed to “Love, Honor and F*ck Early and Often.” Not only should there be more formal premarital education in general (do not even bring up pre-cana), but training that EMPHASISES this important part of married life. Otherwise, don’t get married! Even the term “sexless marriage” is plain wrong.
40yrolddad
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]
I think when most people get married (@ least 1st time) they’re still young enough, early enough in their careers and usually childless so the idea of not wanting sex just seems incomprehensible. we had the young & horny phase, then careers taking off phase (travel for her & 24/7 on-call for me but still ~active), lucky us also had the infertility phase (that will f-up your sex life like nothing else), the babies < 2 yr apart AND travel/on-call phase (went up to 8 mo between) and are finally moving back toward “normal” (as soon as we figure out what that means). you keep adding moons that have to align (she’s in town & not on period, I’ve had > 2 hr sleep from on-call, kids aren’t sick, bills/laundry/dishes aren’t piled to ceiling) and pretty soon you’re fighting an uphill battle against the odds and invariably it ends up being a bad time for one when it’s a good time for the other. nobody sets out to do this but we all have to balance our calendars just like our checkbooks (& you can’t borrow time) & sex is frequently a tempting low-hanging fruit to cut that once you do it just gets easier to make a habit of (not doing)...
luckily for me Oprah’s done several sex episodes in the last yr (encouraging couples to “fix it”) which to my wife is effectively ex cathedra…
writergirl
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
Thank you, 40yrolddad…..
That is true, when you are married, and “real life” starts to happen, sex takes a back seat. We don’t mean it to, but with everything else going on, it is sometimes by far the easiest thing to cut and plus if one or both spouses are exhausted…it’s just not happening.
I don’t like the idea of scheduling sex. We too went through infertility and scheduling sex reeks too much of our sex life then. It was not good.
But having a set goal—we are having sex twice a week this month—works for us. Some times we fall short, sometimes we meet it, and sometimes we exceed it.
But if you don’t want the rest of your marriage falling down the chute, the best place to start fixing things is in the bedroom.
lemniskate67
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
I think a marriage that includes regular sex only with the person you’re married to is only ONE type of marriage. And if both partners agree on that, good for them. but if they agree on something else and it works for them, then good for them too. There’s no way only one pattern is going to fit everyone.
SaraAnne
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 06:28 pm: [report]
i feel like i have more questions than comments at this point. such as:
1. did they ever have sex in a position other than missionary?
2. did he always jerk off to porn? three times per week?
3. have they been to therapy?
4. is he depressed?
my thought is, that if he was like this before she married him, she knew what she was getting herself into. also, what if this issue doesn’t have anything to do with sex. maybe there is something much bigger going on in their relationship and it is manifesting itself in his not wanting to have sex with his wife…i’m just saying…
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 07:00 pm: [report]
@SaraAnne: Masturbate 3 times a week, really? I don’t know if it’s just because I am 23 or what, but 3 times in a day really isn’t a stretch on a Friday or Saturday.
SaraAnne
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 04:13 am: [report]
CheeeeEEEEse: I’m not saying that’s a lot. I’m just saying that if she has a problem with him masturbating three times a week, and he had done that all along, then what is she upset about?
I’ve been known to have a few Saturdays like yours.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 06:02 am: [report]
@SaraAnne: At least women can have those multiple orgasm thingies, I’ve only been able to do it once. More frequently I can get a full body orgasm, much like a full body stone. Eh, nothing much planned for tonight….
MoniMoni
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 10:11 am: [report]
Hello all. I’m new here so I just wanted to say hi. Also, I agree completely that sex and marriage go together. I don’t know how I would go through marriage with no sex, especially since I’m always horny (even when stressed…in fact, it seems to help stress)! I blame it on being a Scorpio. lol.
HusbandTribe
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
When it comes to prioritizing sex in marriage, I like the analogy of having chosen one fast food restaurant from which to eat for the rest of your life. So anytime you are hungry, you must go to that restaurant. I pick Burger King as an example. But what happens if you are starving and Burger King is closed? Too many spouses deprioritize sex to the point that they close the restaurant too often without consideration for their spouses needs. And in today’s competitive marketplace, there’s bound to be a Wendy’s across the street that advertises a 24 hour drive-up window… or a Chick-fil-A peddling their delicious sandwiches AND milkshakes! And while you are supposed to only eat at Burger King, the food across the street sure smells good…
My wife and I trust each other, but we also have a policy of keeping our restaurant open regardless of how tired we may be. It’s something we take seriously and our marriage is stronger and more satisfying as a result. And before someone whines about being too tired after working and bathing the kids and blah, blah, blah… don’t make excuses! You may not always have the energy to cook a Thanksgiving meal, but you can always muster up a quick happy meal. Besides, sex feels good… and it keeps spouses connected and refreshed, so never pass up an opportunity to put out for your spouse. But reciprocity is fundamental, so if you take more than you give, don’t be surprised if your spouse ends up feeling hungry. And that’s no way to run a restaurant.
sailorbev
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 04:27 pm: [report]
husbandtribe: Your analogy is awesome. That is all.
40yrolddad
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 05:39 pm: [report]
Oprah comes through again!!! :D :D :D
(wife just started watching today’s)
rsonnack
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 08:49 pm: [report]
I agree, that restaurant analogy is perfect! I’m only 20 but I live with my boyfriend and I feel like we are married sometimes just because we are both constantly busy with school, work, friends, etc. We’re both exhausted by the time we get home, but we’ve started the same agreement as husbandtribe: The restaurants are open 24 hours!!
Fast Eddie
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 06:44 am: [report]
The ravages of age take a toll, but I’d sad that our sex sessions has dropped to once every 3 months. I used to get 4 or 5 boners every day. Now it’s once a month if that.
My wife would like us to get together more often, but my fears of non-performance get in the way. At the same time I can do it by myself with the help of the Internet to get me started. I can imagine my bygone slim young hard body with a young lovely. In bed with my loving wife I look at her and I’m reminded that we aren’t.
This doesn’t mean I don’t love her. We have a good life together and enjoy our life…or at least we would if she’d put the cap on the toothpaste more often.
retro chic
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 08:09 am: [report]
@FastEddie, you should have posted on John’s Porn piece if you haven’t already! Why are men so hung up on the externals!? Why stop-gap or supplement instead of reimagining intimacy with Mrs? She’s missing it too. And what ‘fears of non-permanence’? Maybe the term “sex sessions” is getting in the way too. Sounds like work or pressure—that’s not fun unless, of course, your a porn producer.
retro chic
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
@Gabby1: I think you nailed it with determining sexual compatibility BEFORE you sign up.
‘Cause no matter what happens, if there’s the will of desire, then there’s a way. That’s too important for me/others to walk down that plank blind-folded.
Diana Daffner - IntimacyRetreats
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 11:00 am: [report]
Sex isn’t the Answer.
Sex is the Question.
YES! is the Answer.
Yes, yes, yes. Daily - or at least, frequent, joining of body, heart and soul is indeed the promise of marriage. But anything done so often has to be rewarding and fun - for both people. My husband and I have a daily ‘tantric sex’ practice that nourishes us in so many ways. I can’t imagine being married this long - 24 years - and NOT being as happy as we are. We love our time together so much (yes, we do schedule it) that we teach about it and have now written a book to let everyone know, hoping that they, too, will bring this amazing joy into their own relationship!
If you’re wondering - “Tantric Sex” refers to a way of being consciously and intentionally present with oneself and each other. It’s easy - doesn’t require a high libido, doesn’t require much of anything except showing up with a commitment to share the time together. “Tantra” is an ancient spiritual teaching that embraces sexual energy as a pathway to higher consciousness and love. It can inspire a “lover’s high” (you know, sort of like a runner’s high, where you slip into a zone of blissful peace?) that can renew a relationship over and over again.
This is an important conversation, keep it going, thanks!
Like all such things, it has to be tried to be believed.