Should I Move 3,000 Miles To Be With Him?

bjoontheupside
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 05:19 pm: [report]

I’ve moved to another state 23 hours away from my own to be with an ex before and it didn’t work out at all because I did give up a lot to move there and soon realized that it wasn’t worth it. He didn’t do much to support me when I got there. I guess he thought just being near him was all I needed. Big mistake on my part…

Knitter79
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 05:40 pm: [report]

I moved to Michigan because that’s where my ex was/is.  My career has gone nowhere in the five years I’ve been here.  We broke up two years ago and now I’m isolated here and can’t get out until I can get a new job and my house sells (for far less than what I paid for it).  Not long after I moved here he was looking for a job and applied to a few positions in California.  He didn’t understand why I was mad at him for it.  In his mind I moved once for him so why wouldn’t I move again a year later?

I like the advice.  If he’s asking her to give up everything to be with him, he needs to show her that he is worth it.  And she needs to be sure that she wants to spend the rest of her life where ever he is because it sounds like he’s never going to leave his family.

asongforsunshine
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 06:56 pm: [report]

I live in Maryland but my heart is in California. I made the move once for him…it didn’t last long. I’d do it again in a heartbeat though.

joyy
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 06:59 pm: [report]

So he’s not willing to move and the onus hinges 100% on whether or not she will do what’s convenient for him?  That doesn’t sound like compromise.  I moved 2,000 miles away from my friends and family - but it wasn’t “you do X or we’re done.”  He was going to move to a new city or settle where he had been for a while, and he let me make the call (since he was ok with either and can work from anywhere, lucky bastard!). 

I moved somewhere that *I* wanted to live - and that would be my advice here: don’t move anywhere you wouldn’t want to be - period.  Because if it doesn’t work out - what then?  And as Knitter pointed out, he doesn’t seem willing to leave where he already lives.  And after moving to somwhere I love, I’ve developed the theory that it’s hard to be happy overall if you really don’t like where you live.

Otherwise, that’s decent advice.  My bf put me up (I moved just after finishing college) and floated me for a few months until I was able to find work.

Emi
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 07:03 pm: [report]

It hasn’t happened yet, but I will be moving overseas to be with my boyfriend. In the beginning when we talked about it he was more than willing to move here for me (he has a great job, I don’t). I’ll be leaving behind a lot of family, but they’re already looking forward to visiting (as an excuse to vacation in Europe I’m sure).

draymond
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 07:18 pm: [report]

I was considering the possibilites both ways until it got to the last line of her question…“he says I have to do this or it’s over”.  Ultimatiums in something of this consequence is a complete negative.  Sure it may be that a really long term long distance releationship is unsustainable, but ultimatums?

Steph9668
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 12:10 am: [report]

I’ve made a big move twice for relationship reasons and it would take a heck of a lot for me to do it again. It was really hard to be away from family and good friends when the relationships fell apart and it’s very costly - emotionally, financially and in regards to time as well.

I wouldn’t tell someone not to do it… but my experiences were awful and it would be very hard to be motivated to do it again.

og217
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 02:59 am: [report]

I did this twice, and learned a hard lesson the first time. (Leading up to a happy marriage the second time).  The first time was a ridiculous mess, orchestrated mainly by moi.  I wanted the relationship to be more serious, plus it was super romantic, and the guy was in London, so it was also a cool place to move to - if he’d been in Iowa it would not have had nearly the same appeal.  He didn’t really ask me to come, it was more like, sure, go on.  I dragged all my furniture there, and of course realized upon arrival that the guy is a loser in his own element and that getting a work permit is next to impossible.  Just a total mess.  When another long-distance relationship arose and my boyfriend started making noises about how it would make so much sense for me to move to DC, I (desperately wanted to but) said no.  Because if we break up, he would have a bad couple of weeks while I collected my stuff and got myself out of his place.  But me?  I’d have to go live on my parents’ couch for YEARS to recover.  My resume would have a hole, that I would have to explain as “I was spnding this time being someone’s girlfriend.”  I’d have to rent out my place, and of course the tenant would not conveniently move if I wanted it back.  If I move, I’d get rid of a lot of my furniture as it would not fit / mesh, so I would literally be back to square one, like I’d just finished college - no job, no place, no worldly possessions, except I’d be 28 and not 21, so its a bit less hilarious to be a broke loser.  My boyfriend couldn’t move as he was in the military.  Well, he could, I suppose, but that was never a real possibility. So anyway, we commuted for a couple more months and when the cost of air fare started to seriously set me in debt and him in quasi-poverty, we fought.  I suggested a break, he asked me to marry him. 
Totally “rules” and old-fashioned, but honestly so smart on my part to not show up with a lamp and a suitcase over there!  I was much more comfortable as his fiance, much more confident, got a job possibly easier due to that, and everything went swimmingly.

wandawonder
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 08:59 am: [report]

Everyone’s comments on here seem to be negative. I however have a positive experience I would like to share. I moved from Texas to Massachusetts to be with my boyfriend and it has proven so far to be one of my best decisions. I’ve lived here for almost a year and we plan on getting married when he is finished with school. He has supported me financially and everything has been great for us.

amorsalado
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 10:12 am: [report]

I moved from Florida to Chicago to be with my boyfriend.  Now we’re married and trying to have a baby.  Sometimes it does work.

bogart4017
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]

You better be REAL sure about him. A man who moves a woman miles away from family and friends is very likely to “show his ass” knowing you are on his territory. And i do know of more than one case (personally) where the male suddenly revealed himself to be a first class physical and verbal abuser.
Come to think of it—-its not just the men. My best friend moved from new york to arkansas to be with a woman. Her friends hated him for no reason and she supported THEM. A few months later she started slapping him around because she didnt feel like he was handling things “like a man” (i.e-he was suppose to abuse her if she got out of line). She knew he grew up watching his mom get knocked around and thought it was normal since she grew up that way. That woman permanently damaged his psyche. 25 years later and he still isnt the same man he once was. horrible!

sarahprotzman
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 04:47 pm: [report]

My boyfriend is in the process of moving from Ireland to NYC to be with me. Instead of going whole-hog right away, however, we did a trial period first, where he came for a few months, just to be sure this was right.

It was fantastic, and now his company is going to transfer him to NYC. I’d recommend a trial move to anyone who can do it, especially if the idea of jumping in feet-first is a little nerve-wracking for you. It was for us!