Should A Rape Victim Be Obligated To Report Her Attacker?
Posted by: Amelia | Filed in: News & Culture
3:30PM, Monday July 07th 2008
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One of the sites I read quite frequently is Jezebel. I wrote for them for a little while before I launched The Frisky and really respect them as a cool and smart site for women. Many of their posts I find to be laugh-out-loud funny and others make me think deeply about and even reconsider positions I have taken on issues. But lately there’s been some controversy on the site in regards to the issue of rape and I thought I would bring them up here to see what Frisky readers think. In particular, I wanted to discuss the question of whether a rape victim has a moral obligation to report her attack(er) to authorities.
I had no idea what having sex would feel like and besides, I had told him I didn’t want to! And it was dark! And I was drunk!
A few of the Jezebel bloggers have shared the experience of date rape in which they didn’t go to the authorities and maintain that they had no moral obligation to do so. One of these bloggers also has discussed the issue of “gray rape”, a term used in a Cosmopolitan article some months back, describing rapes in which the victim doesn’t say “no” but also doesn’t say “yes”. While I think the term is a bogus one, and one I don’t think should make its way into the lexicon, it has made me recall an experience of my own which has kind of shaped my own opinions on the subject.
When I was in college, and still a virgin (hush, I was a late bloomer), I went out on a date with a guy that I met at the coffee shop I worked at. We went to sushi, drank quite a lot of beer, then went back to his place to make out. Sometime mid-make out session I dropped the virginity bomb, as I had become accustomed to doing. I was definitely super over being a virgin and had no intention of remaining a member of the club for much longer, but I didn’t really think I wanted to give it up on a first date with this dude. Which I explained, which he heard, which he said he respected. We kept making out and somewhere down the line we progressed to more, um, unclothed activities, but didn’t go all the way. Or so I thought.
A couple dates later, we had sex. I was so giddy afterwards and couldn’t help expressing my glee. “I can’t believe I finally had sex,” I said in naive wonderment.
“Uh...” the guy stuttered. “We had sex the other day.”
You see, it turns out the dude pulled what I have since called “the switcheroo”—exchanging his hands/fingers for his penis briefly, and without my knowledge. How, you may wonder, is it possible for a person to be conscious and not realize she was having sex? I liken it to doing a blind taste test of a totally new food and being unable to identify it. I mean, I had no idea what having sex would feel like and besides, I had told him I didn’t want to! And it was dark! And I was drunk!
“I told you I didn’t want to,” I said said to the guy, who was looking at me kind of incredulously.
“I couldn’t help myself,” he said, by way of explanation. I could tell he was offended that I couldn’t tell. Oh, and by the way, he didn’t use a condom. Real winner, obviously.
Despite the fact that the experience of losing my virginity kind of falls into that “gray rape” category (didn’t say no, exactly, but didn’t say yes, either, and certainly didn’t know it was happening, and he was pretty sneaky about the whole thing), I went out on a few more dates with him and had sex with him willingly a few more times. Honestly, I think I kept seeing him because then, inside, it made me feel like what happened wasn’t bad and therefore I didn’t have to deal with the emotional issues associated with it. I broke it off with him because we disagreed on politics and I kind of found him revolting. But I never said to him, “What you did was unacceptable” and I certainly never reported him. I don’t think what he did was out of malice, but I do think it was without regard for my expressed desires and I’ve often wondered whether he’s done that same thing again to another woman. I can’t say that the experience hugely scarred me, but I do think the biggest damage that came out of it was that it contributed to my mistrust of men’s motives. Still, do I wish I had reported him? No. Because what would I have said? But I definitely wish I had told him exactly what I thought of him and his inability to help himself.
But what about in cases where the sexual assault is less...up for debate? Where the attacker doesn’t just “take advantage” or “fail to ask permission” but shows a complete disregard for the victim’s safety, emotions, well-being, and rights? Certainly deciding what to do should be up to the person being victimized. But should she think of the repercussions of not reporting her assault, like the fact that the attacker could act again? Or does being a victim herself wipe away all responsibility as a witness as well? It’s a tough question to answer in my opinion, especially since it’s very difficult to get a rape case prosecuted, especially resulting in a conviction. But what do you all think?
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Kiki T
[report]wrote on July 07 2008 @ 04:50 pm:
It’s each person’s responsibility to keep our society as safe and just as possible and I’d hope anyone in that unfortunate situation would use the best judgment they could, rather than letting fear or embarrassment hinder their choice.
As for that selfish guy, he sounds like a grade A PIG.... and fingers versus penis, big difference. If your virgin vadge couldn’t tell the difference, then yikes, sucks to be him. His life sentence: small peen syndrome.
LovesIt
[report]wrote on July 08 2008 @ 08:37 am:
Thanks for sharing such a personal story, Amelia. While I do agree with Kiki that it’s up to the individual to make society safer in many instances, I think rape is especially traumatizing for many women and they shouldn’t feel guilty for “letting fear or embarrassment hinder” their ability to report the crime. The psychological effects can be disastrous enough without feeling morally obligated to face publicly one’s attacker or go through the pain and humiliation of a public trial.
This whole gray area thing is very disturbing, btw. When/where did these guys learn to ignore yes/no?!
Amelia
[report]wrote on July 08 2008 @ 09:01 am:
@LovesIt I was chatting with a friend about this and I think one of the biggest factors is how utterly difficult it is to get a rapist prosecuted. If you feel like A) no one would believe you, and B) the authorities wouldn’t be able to do anything anyway, why would you prolong an awful experience I guess. I don’t know. I think women need to be encouraged to not be ashamed and to seek justice, but the justice system needs to be fixed as well.
Deirdre
[report]wrote on July 08 2008 @ 09:45 am:
I had two pretty frightening experiences. Once time I was physically attacked when I got off a subway (this was over 10 years ago when NYC was not as safe as it is now). I was not raped but I was beaten so violently by a male stranger that all I could think of was “if I survive, this guy is somehow is going to pay for this”. Unfortunately after a police search and a few line ups this guy was never caught but I feel a twinge of guilt that he was not busted. Why couldn’t I fight him off and beat him to a pulp (well being 110 pounds at the time did not help)?. I use to think of other women he may have attacked.
Another time a roommate left the window by the firescape open. We lived on the 2nd floor. One early morning when she was not home someone climbed in! Hearing the noise I hid under my bed. We were robbed ( not much to take- he even left our crappy TV behind) but at the time, I was seriously “preparing” to be attacked. I was certain he would look under the bed and find me, which did not happen. I was shaking and sweating. I had a comb in my hand, which I thought I could use to “stab” him. Coincidentally there was a rapist that use to rape women in that area by breaking into their apartments. For a long time I use to think maybe the guy who broke into my place was the rapist. Maybe I could have stopped him. I would fantasize about stopping him. So I guess yes it is your duty to report a rape or any crime where you feel your personal space and security has been violated. Any man who takes advantage of women physically is not only pig but a sick twisted coward who will continue to pick on women because they see them as the weaker sex and I believe their acts will get more violent and bold as time goes on. Just my opinion.
AnnikaH
[report]wrote on July 08 2008 @ 01:33 pm:
I agree that women have an obligation to report a rape, in order to prevent an attack on another woman. Maybe if rape was less of a hush hush topic it would lose its stigma, and therefore more women would be willing to speak up. I’ve always wondered if a rape victim becomes the “weak, violated woman” because that’s how she feels or because that’s how the media portrays her. I also don’t think there should be a statute of limitations in rape cases because once a rapist, always a rapist. And I’m equally afraid of the term “gray rape.” I hope it doesn’t make it into our lexicon because it will give license to loser’s in possession of roofies.
Cate
[report]wrote on July 10 2008 @ 05:14 am:
I’m really uncomfortable with the term “gray rape”. When the whole Cosmopolitan gray rape thing first happened about a year ago, it really bothered me. I understand that there are different degrees of rape, but at the bottom line, you were forced to have sex against your will. Rape is rape. Putting a less threatening color in front of the word “rape” doesn’t make it any less horrible.
Hugo Schwyzer has a very interesting take on this matter and the concept of “enthusiastic consent”. He says that, ““The opposite of rape is not consent. The opposite of rape is enthusiasm...I always argue that anything short of an authentic, honest, uncoerced, aroused and sober ‘Hell, yes!’ is, in the end, just a ‘no’ in another form.”
I agree with him 0. And as far as what Moe and Tracie were saying - I think that they’re incredibly irresponsible, and an embarrassment to the feminist/women’s issue’s community.
LovesIt
[report]wrote on July 10 2008 @ 07:27 am:
@Cate: Right on. Rape is rape. @AnnikaH: I think she feels like a “weak, violated woman” because she is… literally.
Amelia
[report]wrote on July 10 2008 @ 08:09 am:
@Cate I totally agree with you and Schwyzer. I think there’s the idea of “gray rape” though, because people feel the need to distinguish between rapes that leave the victim extremely emotionally damaged and ones where maybe the victim doesn’t feel as...I dunno...scarred, like, I guess, in my case. It’s a real tough issue, but the point of the matter is that no one should think sticking a color in front of the word rape somehow makes it more okay.