Sex Tips That Will Turn Women OFF
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
sex
8:30AM, Thursday June 11th 2009
As the guys over at Men’s Health have proven time and again, they’re pretty sure they know exactly what makes a woman tick. Too bad they’re REALLY WRONG! This time they’d like their readers to believe they’ve got the secret sex tips (33 of them, in fact) to turn a lady on in no time flat. Check out their most ridunculous tips after the jump.
1. Buy Her a Silk Thong
A gift of lingerie is cliched, right? So twist it. Give it to her when you (seemingly) don’t expect sex right then and there. Pass it under the table at a restaurant and ask her to go to the ladies’ room and change into it. “It’s a little naughty, but she has a chance to play back,” says Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a relationship therapist in Seattle. Not recommended for a first date.
Um, no, just, no. This isn’t naughty or sexy — it’s just cheesy and annoying. What kind of dinner are you taking us to that you’d think it okay to pass us a silk thong under the table and ask us to go try it on? We’re trying to enjoy our meal! You go to the bathroom and undress and put new underwear on. We’ll just be here sneaking fries from your plate and draining our wine.
5. Skip the Flowers
Blooms at the office are overdone. If you want to stand out, send a card instead. “It’s really the thoughtful things you do at nonsexual times that make a woman want you,” says Paul Joannides, author of Guide to Getting It On! Go with a thank-you. Write out a few things you’ve never thanked her for—making breakfast on Sunday, cleaning your stubble out of the sink. An appreciated woman during the day is an appreciative woman at night.
Okay, and from now on, we’ll just show our appreciation for you with a magnetic poem on your refrigerator. After all, blowjobs are so overdone!
10. Apply Her Lipstick
“Grooming a woman is kind of a role reversal,” says Linda De Villers, Ph.D., a California sex therapist and author of Love Skills: A Fun, Upbeat Guide to Sex-cessful Relationships. “She’s being doted on and served, and it shows that you think a certain part of her body is attractive.” Other ideas: Shave her legs, paint her toenails, or brush or wash her hair. According to a menshealth.com poll of 3,200 men, 76 percent said they have shampooed their woman’s hair. And Men’s Health readers don’t waste their time on things that don’t work.
Apply her lipstick?? Really?! Show of hands, ladies — how many of you would be turned on by a guy applying your lipstick? Just as I thought. NO ONE. It’s creepy. Don’t waste your time.
15. Give Her a Massage
But make it interesting:
- In hot weather, roll a chilled can of soda along the backs of her thighs.
- In cool weather, warm a towel in the microwave for 10 seconds and massage her with it.
- Season her belly with a little salt, and then slowly lick it off. Add tequila to taste.
- Turn winter gloves inside out, put them on, and massage her with the soft side.
It was all good until you got to the “season her belly with salt” bit. Did you think you could throw that in and we wouldn’t notice? WE WOULDN’T NOTICE A GUY SALTING OUR BELLIES LIKE WE WERE A PIG ROAST and then using our bellybutton as his personal shot glass?! Salt is not an aphrodisiac, guys.
31. Make It Easy
For oral sex, stand while your partner kneels or sits on the bed. This angle lets her take more of you, gives her better control, and is less tiring.
Wait, is this about what turns us on or what turns you on? But, you know, really thoughtful of you to figure out a way to make giving you a blowjob less tiring. We’ll be sure to send you a thank you card.
32. Let Her Give You a Pearl Necklace
But not a real one. Lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation. The beads feel warm and smooth, creating a new level of sensation.
Okay, so we are talking about what turns you on.
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Jessica Wakeman
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 08:41 am: [report]
No, I think writing a love note or love letter is a cute idea! And I’d LOVE it if a guy washed my hair for me.
But yes, silk thong slipped underneath a restaurant table is very trashy.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 08:48 am: [report]
Yup, it’s about us…wheeee! live it, love it ladies.
shannac02
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:02 am: [report]
Um… Sorry, but, WTF? Is someone puts a cold can of Coca Cola on the back of my legs when its a billion degrees outside, they’re getting punched, not laid.
jubee
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:04 am: [report]
If I had a real pearl necklace why on earth would I want to lube it up and jerk a guy off with it?
Perceptible
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:10 am: [report]
“Okay, and from now on, we’ll just show our appreciation for you with a magnetic poem on your refrigerator. After all, blowjobs are so overdone! “
ROFLMAO!!! Oh this was great. Can you imagine that in print? They just don’t get it, do they? Ironically, if you read a women’s mag about how to get your man off, it’s all really about him. So both women’s mags and men’s mags are all about how to get a man off. So glad we have The Frisky!
Muttface
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]
Lighten up ladies. It a magazine that is usually read by gay men obsessed with aging and their muscles. You think they are experts in the field of turning a woman on?
Jessica Wakeman
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]
@jubee HAHAHAHAHAHA
Queen Frostine
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:22 am: [report]
Putting my makeup on for me or shaving my legs is wicked creepy. And rubbing me down like I’m a piece of pork is borderline psycho. The next thing he’ll be asking is for me to put the lotion in the basket.
Perceptible
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]
@queenfrostine, lmao! put the lotion in the basket! LOL!!!
retro chic
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:34 am: [report]
If I was presented with any of these scenarios, I would instinctively think (or laugh/vom) “He just read this somewhere in a men’s mag.” haha…
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:36 am: [report]
I agree with Mutt. If I wanted sex tips or ways to turn women on…..the last place I would look would be a magazine much less Mens Health.
sam04
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
I love how #32 was “LET Her Give You A Pearl Necklace” Well done, guys.
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:42 am: [report]
While I do think that the wording of the phrase was a bit off some things when it comes to sex or relationships are an act of one person allowing the other. I think that the LET part isn’t an issue but deciding what the actual act is may be.
jojo32
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]
RE: “#31 Make it easy” I was trying to picture in my mind how the guy standing and me being on the bed makes it any easier for him to go down on me…
And then I got it. Gee, thanks.
LOL
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]
lol jojo, yea it does seem to mislead at first.
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
Just completely wrong. If any guy believes this crap, he deserves the complete lack of sex he’ll have. Ugh.
Riley
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
Every other guy should follow this, and all advice from these magazines. It will make me look better.
MzScarlet
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
Love this whole riff ... but, I gotta disagree with the silk thong critique. Maybe it’s not for everybody… but it totally works for me!
Rose
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]
@Riley - lol!
bogart4017
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]
Ladies—-smart men do NOT follow advice from any magazine for sex tips. Women are way too diverse. What turns one on sets one off. You’ll start off trying to set a mood and wind up ducking frying pans.
spark
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
haha, jojo, i thought the exact same thing!
sparklestar
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
Awww… my guy has painted my toenails before. I love it!
magz
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 03:04 pm: [report]
No wonder I dumped the guy with the Men’s Health Mag as his bathroom read…hmmm…
missduplicity
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 05:16 pm: [report]
Yes, because next time I wear my grandmother’s pearls out to a fancy dinner, I really want the other guests to notice the pube hair stuck in between the beads and start to wonder why my neck smells like strawberry-flavored KY.
yougot10minutes
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 09:02 pm: [report]
I wish one of the tips was, “Let her take a nap.” With 33, you’re gonna be pretty busy.
duckie
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]
@ Muttface ECM and Bogart: obviously you guys are ahead of the curve- though I don’t think this is really a rant its more of a OMG I can’t believe this advice exists.
Obviously the best advice is to get to know your partner, and remember what she says, does, likes- also the most comfortable position for a women to GIVE oral sex is for her to GET it first
Tiggs
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:18 pm: [report]
@QueenFrostine: LMAO!
solo92
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:27 pm: [report]
I agree, we are talking about what turns guys on.
Panties under the table is dirty, not the good kind either. It’s stupid. Why would you bother us from eating just to give us a damn thong and then tell us to go change into it? Your just going to piss us off. I don’t think that giving oral standing up is great for guys, and it’s hard on girl’s necks. I have my partner lay down on the bed, or have him propped up on some pillows before I give him oral. And it’s easier on my neck. Guys, if you actually follow this load of crap, I’m sorry, but it will ruin your chance at a relationship.
Seriously, if a guy rolled a ice cold can of soda on my thigh, I’d be pissed! I don’t think jerking off a guy with a pearl necklace is hot, I think it’s a waste of money, when I can just do it myself than using something I could be wearing. I do think a guy shampooing my hair is nice though, it’s thoughtful and plus your getting a nice head massage as well, if he knows how to.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:41 pm: [report]
@Solo92: You don’t know what a pearl necklace is do you?
chloe
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 06:19 pm: [report]
i think a guy putting lipstick on you is the sexiest thing ever.
BayAreaBeauty
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 07:34 am: [report]
Wow. Just wow…
MissJennLynn
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 10:45 am: [report]
I read a few of these to my boyfriend and he just nodded… what does that MEAN? haha hoping he wasn’t shocked that were turn OFFS…
demi-angel
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 08:47 pm: [report]
while i agree that most of these are a load of bull for men to get off, the lipstick thing is kind of a turn on for me, the key is slow and sensoouse. it’s like the moment right before his lips meet mine, the anticpation of them that i love about it, but bogart4017 is right. differnt things for different girls, this just works for me.
Isista
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 10:04 pm: [report]
...A nice thank you note for things that I didn’t think he noticed/appreciated would be awesome! That’s not unthoughtful, or at least not to me. And if it’s a million degrees outside, I would be glad to have my boyfriend use anything cool (within reason) to cool me down, why the hell is a soda can so offensive (although I agree with the salt and tequila, wtf??). And maybe it’s just me, but given the right kind of situation (aka not a nice dinner with the family lol), slipping a pair of sexy panties under the table for me wouldn’t be dirty in a bad way, I would love it. But hey, to each her own, I suppose.
Fast Eddie
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 07:06 am: [report]
WTF happened to numbers 16 through 30???
Antiquity
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:06 pm: [report]
@Missduplicity: haha! This totally just made my evening!
Bunny25
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 01:32 am: [report]
Ummm, yeah I have to say that those above things seem like good ideas to me, or at least if you did a little variation it would be cool. I would loooove it if the man that I was in love with and in trusting, proven relationship passed me some new panties under the table to try on. Hadn’t thought of that one and its delightful to me. Also, I’m a geek for flowers, and I’ve always had a fantasy about my husband brushing my hair. Besides giving head can be thrilling, and its kind of selfish if you never derive pleasure from giving pleasure. Massages - sensual massages- can be sexual, and seems like it might be fun to take shots off each other, but mixing the two ideas seems messy and maybe not tasty.
pixieonacid
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 08:46 pm: [report]
oh how i do love a cold can of soda down the backs of my thighs:P
lol weird
NaeNae78
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 09:42 am: [report]
Wouldn’t you want to wash those underwear before wearing them?
Having a guy paint your toenails is actually pretty sexy…having him put your lipstick on is sorta Silence of the Lambs Wild Bill-ish…creepy
thegirlnextdoor
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 08:43 pm: [report]
Finally. I have begging my boyfriend to let me give him a pearl necklace. I hope he reads Men’s Health!
Isabel K.
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 12:54 pm: [report]
I’ll take the tequila, pass on the salt!
HayleyIB
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 01:34 pm: [report]
haha just ridiculous.
maybe they should have women write their columns
verdecillo
wrote on July 24 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
Haha! There sure is lots of criticism going around in the comments. I figured I might as well give my own (both positive and negative):
1. I actually like the silk thong idea. My fiancee likes wearing sexy underwear/lingerie, and this probably would be a turn-on for her. (Although I’m not sure slipping it under the table in a restaurant is necessarily a good idea). Nonetheless, I understand how other women think this is not their thing- everyone’s different.
5. I agree with this one as well- writing a note lets your partner know that you love and appreciate them. What’s wrong with that? It may make them feel a surge of love for you, and you know where that might lead…
10. Meh- I’ll stay away from this one- my fiancee is kind of particular in her make-up application- I’d probably mess it up. I understand how it would be nice to some women though.
15. Yes! My fiancee loves massages. However, we stick to the old-fashioned way- skin against skin/hands on body (with some kissing thrown in)- none of that weird chilled soda cans or salt stuff.
31. I really did LOL at this one. Although it is considerate to make it easier, that is all it is- being considerate- it’s not a turn-on.
32. An even louder LOL! This is just silly. I’m not saying that it would not be pleasurable for the guy, but how is that supposed to be a turn-on for the woman? Want the true advice? Give HER a pearl necklace. A real one. (I actually did give my fiancee (then my girlfriend) a real pearl necklace for her last birthday, and she was indeed very, ahem, “appreciative.”)
fullupfrontal
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 08:55 am: [report]
Those tips really are ludicrous. Wow.