Sex & Celluloid: Harry Potter & Muggle Sex

It’s time for a new Harry Potter movie, which opened at midnight last night/this morning, and judging from the posters/trailers, this will be the one with all the sex in it. Right? I don’t really follow the Rowling’s continuum but from what I gather, when young wizards hit puberty they make out and have sexual urges just like you and me.

While I can still recall the first HP film and how young Harry and Ron and those kids looked, that was (almost) a decade before last fall, when the titular actor showed off his little Daniel Radcliffe to audiences on two different continental stages in the play Equus . That was a big deal! We’re in an era in which Jason Siegel flashing his penis in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” or seeing a quick glimpse of manhood from Kim Cattrall’s lust-object in “Sex and the City” barely garners an R-rating. Yet there was something about Radcliffe’s decision to bare-all in that horse sex play: It was almost the boy’s Bar Mitzvah. Last fall, Daniel Radcliffe made the decision to become “a man.”

Which means that now you don’t have to feel weird about reading all that Harry fan fiction (I recommend: AlbinoBlackSheep where somebody replaces every use of the word “wand” with “wang” in the Sorcerer’s Stone). Radcliffe is almost 20! Which means…how old is Zac Efron? And more importantly: How long until we see the Disney star doing art films with Vincent Gallo involving a 10-minute on-screen blow job?

So how much action will we see in this new HP film, considering it’s still technically a kid’s film? A lot, apparently. Director David Yates told the Telegraph, “It’s all about sex, drugs and rock n’ roll…Okay, maybe we should take the ‘drugs’ out. Really, this film is more sex, potions and rock n’ roll; but there are all these wonderful things in our story.” I’m assuming this translates to Ron and Hermione in heat, but since these movies are all PG-13 (for now!), we’ll see a graphic bloodbath before we see so much of as a glance of Watson nipple or Grint’s famed Scabbers. (Side note: Get better from swine flu Rupert!)

For now, we’ll have to turn our dirty fantasies to what may have happened backstage on the Potter films, where, as Radcliffe recently admitted, “..we were all unbelievably horny from about the third film to probably about the end of the fifth; then it all settled down. But, God, for a few years…”

Rawr, muggle sex.