Sex Advice: How Do I Tell My Mom To Let Me Grow Up?
Posted by: Sexpert Lindsay | Filed in: Sex
1:00PM, Thursday October 02nd 2008
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“I am an 18-year old college student. I have been dating an amazing guy who is nine months older than me for over two years. He is also in college, but we go to different universities. We have been having sex since I was 17 and the only problem has been my mother, who has disapproved. I thought that when I was in college she would leave me alone. realize that I am an adult, and give me some freedom. But no. When I recently told her that I had spent the night with my boyfriend, she got mad and said that I should have asked her. She doesn’t know that we have sex (after two years, she could hardly assume two hormonal teenagers would behave like saints), but how can I tell her to back off and that I am not her little innocent girl anymore?”—Bird Who’s Left The Nest, via email
I am 11 years older than you, and my mother STILL bugs the crap out of me. At 29 years old, I answer phone calls, IMs, and texts from my mom at least 4 times a day. The woman knows EVERYTHING I do!
She has been that way ever since I can remember. It used to drive me nutso in high school, when she would attack my beeper (yes, I had one) if I was two minutes past curfew. I should have escaped her wrath in college, but due to logistical reasons I actually lived WITH my parents for the entire duration. Which meant whenever I was going to stay at a boyfriend’s house, go to a kegger, or stay out until 4 in the morning, I had to call and TELL her…every single time. Sounds fun, right?
It took me awhile (and a lot of screaming matches), but the thing I realized about my mom is that she just wants to feel like a part of my life. She wants to feel INFORMED. Sure, she’s been there to pass judgment plenty of times ("You’re dating WHO?!?"), but aside from the fact that she’s always right, I discovered that the more I told her, the less nosy she got.
I bet your mom wasn’t implying that you should have asked her permission per se, but was instead feeling that you should have TALKED to her before you decided to have sex. Sure, it’s unrealistic to expect your daughter to be a virgin after dating a guy for two years, but in her eyes you’re still her little girl…and will be that way forever (even when you’re almost 30 and over 6 feet tall, like I am).
Next time you talk to her, try letting her into your life, instead of fighting so hard to keep her out. Keep in mind that you’re an adult now, which means she can’t “ground” you anymore, or take away your TV privileges. Try talking to her about real things in your life: your boyfriend, your classes, your friends, etc. If you start communicating to her like an adult, chances are she’ll start treating you like one.
Now if you excuse me, I have to go call my mom. It’s been all day, and I’ve only talked to her twice!
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Rebecca
[report]wrote on October 02 2008 @ 02:26 pm:
I talk to my mom all the time. I omit things related to sex, including when boys spend the night or I spend the night with boys. She doesn’t ask because she knows better. But I agree, tell her more about the other aspects of your life and she may begin to leave that area alone.
Good luck!
Lynn
[report]wrote on October 02 2008 @ 07:11 pm:
I kind of disagree. If Bird is still financially dependent on her parents (whether they pay her tuition or her health insurance or any other big chunk of money) I think that they do still have a bit of power over her. I doubt that telling her parents she spent the night at her boyfriend’s house is enough to piss them off to the point of withdrawing all monetary support, but the point is still that they COULD if they wanted, so in some ways she is obliged to listen to them.
My mom is moving right next door to me in about a month. So even though I’ve been out of college for a year, she’ll suddenly be able to “observe” me more just because she’ll be right there. I’ve already started not telling her things. If she asks what I’m doing tonight, I’ll just say “I’m going out” and if she asks where I’m going or with who, I just say “with people.” At first I think she was kind of offended that I wasn’t telling her things, but I guess my point is that she doesn’t get to know everything about my life just because she’s my mom, and that I’ll only tell her what I want to tell her.
And seriously, if you don’t live with or near your mom, Bird, you don’t have to tell her things like that you slept over at your boyfriend’s house. Develop a filter!
Lindsay Goldenberg
[report]wrote on October 03 2008 @ 12:45 pm:
@Lynn:
I totally understand your points...but I think if her mom cuts off her tuition or health insurance for having a boyfriend, there’s a bigger issue there (and it’s called crappy parenting). I really do get the feeling that her mom just wants to feel included. After all, if she’s thinking her daughter is having sex, she probably wants to make sure her daughter is being smart about it.
Of course it’s an individual choice everybody makes how close they want to be with their parents, or in this case mother. Just speaking from experience, it’s kind of nice to share with my mom. After all, I spent 9 months inside her, and she knows me better than anybody...it’s instinctive. I try to treat her like I would any friend..with respect and honesty.
OF course when I was younger (and even now) there were/are certain things omitted, like you said. I don’t need to tell her about the sex I had with my boyfriend last night. But thankfully, she doesn’t tell me about the sex she just had with my dad.
I just think because the “bird” whose in college in only 18, and for all her mom knows is new to sex, she just wants to make sure her daughter is OK mentally with it, or even if she has any questions.
My main point is...it’s a nice gesture to include your mom in your life. And it feel pretty good (most of the time) as well.
Lynn
[report]wrote on October 03 2008 @ 04:20 pm:
Like I said, I don’t think her mom is going to cut of support because of it. I’m not saying that Bird should “obey” her for fear of that. But I guess I just think, if your parents are supporting you like that, you owe it to them to respect them and listen to them. Maybe it’s just all a mental thing that I made up myself, but even though my parents didn’t try to “ground” me or anything once I was in college, I still felt like they *could* if they wanted to because I was still dependent on them.
I’m definitely not saying bird shouldn’t include her mom in her life - she is her mom!
Lacey
[report]wrote on November 05 2008 @ 01:59 pm:
Bird, just take things easy on her mom. She loves you, and i’m sure you love her too. Am i right on this? Try looking at it this way, Moms will always care for their daughters as if they were still 2rs old. Its a mother thing. I’m 16years old and ill be turning 17 in a couple of days, and i am still on a short leash lol. I’ve told my mother over and over again, that i’m growing up and i need to live my own experiences. some may be bad choices, but at least i will be learning from them. I like to talk to my mom about alot of things, like whats going on at school, whats been up with friends, and just teen issues. I never told my mother when i first had sex but she found out by other people anyways. But i told her that i was going to make my own choices
vkolcuoglu
[report]wrote on December 21 2008 @ 09:03 pm:
Yapmayınya çok ayıp bu konular.Lütfen bunu ingilizceye cevirin.
Agata
[report]wrote on January 19 2009 @ 01:38 pm:
As for me, I don’t discuss with my mom the things related to sex. She has a puritanical view on this issue. But the only way to escape control - is to live separately, otherwise be ready to explain your every step.
signature: Adult toy is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Lyz
[report]wrote on January 19 2009 @ 02:17 pm:
If your mom is micromanaging your life then you need to draw some clear boundaries, which includes not discussing topics like this with her. Including your mom in your life is nice, when it is possible. But if she reacts in hurtful ways, you need to draw clean boundaries so you are not being hurt by her. But, you can’t tell her to back off. Or you can, but it won’t do any good. The only way she will back off is if she sees you living a mature, competent and happy life and even then it still is no guarantee. I am married. Have a job and a house and no drug problems and my mom still criticizes things (my crock pot, namely, poor crock pot). I have learned that her criticism is her way of trying to include herself in my life and still feel important. So I have found topics I can talk to her about and invite her opinion on that don’t hurt me. For example, I just took up the guitar and we talk music a lot. Also, she sews and I am having her help me with a sewing project. But other areas, where I know we disagree (crock pots, birth control) I don’t invite her opinion on. And if she brings it up, I change the subject or just tell her that that area of my life is going well and I am happy. And then I change the subject. You can’t change your mom. You can only change the way you respond to her.
irish
[report]wrote on February 13 2009 @ 07:00 pm:
My mom is 86.
She stopped asking me about my sex life around two years ago…
writergirl
[report]wrote on February 13 2009 @ 07:29 pm:
It is hard to determine from the letter whether the mother is being controlling or caring.
Controlling mother’s require a filter otherwise you will never, ever have a moment of peace.
Caring mothers should be able to enter into a conversation about any subject without biting your head off.
Determine which one she is, then act accordingly.