Seven Ways To End A Relationship
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
1:30PM, Tuesday March 17th 2009
A recent article from Men’s Health lays out 16 ways a guy can save his relationship with his lady, most of which are remarkably idiotic. While I agree that talking to your girlfriend rather than you best buddy about your relationship (#8) is probably a good idea, I’m worried that the other 15 suggestions are just leading men down long, lonely roads of cold shoulders and sexless nights. After the jump, a few of the so-called relationship-savers that sound especially destructive.
#2 No screaming matches lately? Have one, fast. If she’s screaming at you, she still gives a damn. Silence from a woman means something has died. (Or will die. Tonight. In his sleep.)
The best way to insure a woman doesn’t kill you in your sleep probably isn’t instigating a screaming match with her right before bed. Call me crazy, but it seems like there are plenty of other ways to find out whether she “gives a damn” or not, like, I don’t know, engaging her in grown-up conversations.
#5 Maul her for 10 seconds when she least expects it. A mini-maul here, a mini-maul there. Next thing you know, you’ll have a strip-maul.
Unless “strip-maul” is a euphemism for a busted lip and a face full of pepper spray — and I don’t think it is — that’s not what you’re going to have after mauling your girl when she least expects it. See, women are funny in that they don’t really enjoy being mauled. I know, so confusing! Next thing you know, we’ll be telling you how much we like flowers and chocolate.
#9 Go Gomez Addams on her. Speak Spanish. Dance the Mamushka. Kiss her from her wrist to her armpit. Blow up a train set together. Cara mia!
I don’t even understand this. Blow up a train set together? Are we 8? And speak Spanish? That’s your big idea for saving our relationship? Hola?! That’s what going to keep me invested? And…just stay away from our armpits already, seriously.
#10 Commit an unsolicited act of cleanliness.
If you are such a slob that one single “unsolicited act of cleanliness” is going to be a huge blip on the radar, you’ve got bigger problems on your hands than a relationship that’s heading south. Here’s an idea: practice cleanliness and good personal hygiene on a regular basis and maybe keeping a girlfriend around won’t be such a hard-core challenge.
#11 This weekend, take her to the grocery store to buy ingredients for a great dinner. Also pick up food specifically earmarked as body paint.
Why do we have to be dragged to a grocery store just because you want to make us a great dinner? Wait, are you even making us a great dinner, or are you just accompanying us to the store to make sure we buy “body paint” before we’re suckered into cooking dinner for you? I’m confused. How about you go to the store on your own, buy ingredients for a lovely dinner, and cook it up for us later without bugging us or help every 5 minutes? And leave the “body paint” in the condiment aisle, please.
#15 Organize a cheesy diamond-commercial moment—like reproposing to her at Trafalgar Square in front of family. Overwrought? Yeah, but do the math: jewelry + effort + pigeons + her parents = months of rough sex.
Every part of this equation is wrong. If you’ve already proposed and we’ve said yes, you can’t just “repropose” every time you want to win some brownie points. It doesn’t work that way. And even if you could “repropose,” doing so in front of our parents is so lame we might just say ‘no’ this time around.
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EarthGoddess
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
My hubby and I regularly partake in #5 and it’s great. Keeps it spicy, and he knows he has a better chance of hot sex later on if he gives me little “surprises” all day.
Simcha
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
I do have a thing for Gomez Adams, but not a guy who does impressions of him. Yuck!
toyen
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 02:25 pm: [report]
I don’t think these are all entirely awful, actually.
Lynn
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]
oh my GOD I hate it when men try to speak Spanish and think they’re being hot. NO it doesn’t turn me on, it just makes me laugh at how goofy you’re being. I don’t understand the need to bring a foreign language into the bedroom. Especially when it’s one I don’t know and I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re saying.
The only time Spanish in the sack would be hot is if I was having a one-night stand with a Spanish man who didn’t know English. But if you speak English to me on a daily basis, don’t bust out anything BUT English when you’re trying to get in my pants.
Isabela Laval
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]
Lynn, I will have to respectfully disagree; a man talking dirty to me in Spanish makes the hair on my arms stand on end! But yes, he has to be authentically Latino, or else it’s just cheesy.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 03:40 pm: [report]
@Lynn What about Chinese?
retro chic
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]
#2: Never liked the “litmus test” of screaming, arguing or displays of jealousy to spontaneously (dis)prove someone’s real intentions/affections. Juvenile and destructive, even if they’re right.
________
So, add Mr. In Denial/headgamer. “We didn’t REALLY break up, that was just a spat…you’re imagining things!” You see, sometimes they’re patching up something that’s already done. I dedicate that list to him.
In general, most of those are moot, ‘cause he doesn’t realize/accept that she’s gone already.
Jill
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 03:50 pm: [report]
@ CheeeeEEEEse: My boyfriend is chinese and for the first year or so I’d get so turned on hearing him speak Chinese. Now I’m pretty used to it but I still think its so cool. I think it was just something new and exciting which is why I got turned on.
I found most of these to be extremely offensive. They reminded me of something my old coworker would have said. He once told me that this piece of advice from his dad was the best relationship advice ever: “Marry a girl who loves you way more than you love her”
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 03:54 pm: [report]
@Jill Well I am white, and not very good at Chinese. I can pick up when they talk about me behind my back though.
Chelle
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]
After all the screaming in my longest relationship I can’t stand it anymore. It happened only twice in my last relationship and it upset me so much (I guess I’m traumatized) I’m still not over it. So the screaming match is a terrible idea! Great way to make me run away though. The foreign language thing makes my skin crawl. If it realy was a foreign guy (which I have yet to experience) I guess it wouldn’t be so bad. Also, their #16 (saying “it’s up to you”) is awful. My most recent ex said that to me several times. It was like he wasn’t willing to negotiate anymore at all. Which wasn’t good enough for me, that’s why he’s an ex.
Nan
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
I’m pretty sure the “blow up a train set part is a joke”—it’s something Gomez Addams used to do on the Addams Family.
Yellow
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
I’m surprised you left their number one off this list!
“1. After your next screaming match, right before the makeup sex, don’t bother with the “I love you” cliché. Just tell her, “You know, you’re the only person I’d ever tolerate talking to me like that. You’re that amazing.”
Umm, my man-to-woman translation reads “you’re such a bitch, I’m so much better than you, and hi, I’m passive aggressive, nice to meet you”.
Enjoy your solo makeup sex, #&@$%, I’ll be killing you in your sleep tonight.
Jill
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 04:30 pm: [report]
UGH I KNOW! I HATE the “its up to you” line. I chewed my man output recently for saying that. I tell him “i know damn well that what I do is up to me, but I ask what you want for a reason”
The Nomad
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 06:08 pm: [report]
Number 2 kinda makes sense. At least a little. If you don’t care anymore, you don’t fight back- or at least I don’t. I just kinda zone out and smile and nod a lot… yes, I’ve been a bad gf. Mmmhm. Yes, I have taken you for granted. Sure, you’re the best I’ve ever had… You get the idea.
As for the foreign language, it made me laugh. Just a few hours ago, my man, who is from SE Europe, called out some crude words in Spanish while we were getting friendly. It definitely gave me a chuckle.
wild-ting
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 08:59 pm: [report]
LMAO…this is just bad advice all the way around.
Perceptible
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 06:45 am: [report]
Wendy, I agree 100% with your analysis of this ridiculous list! Nicely written, thanks!
Blonde Bomber
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 08:19 am: [report]
Its usually a bad idea anyways for men to give advice to other men, about women. Its like the blind leading the blind.
retro chic
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 08:20 am: [report]
^ Exxaactly. Just silliness. But the hazard is, the clueless brethren will take this stuff seriously, and are in dire need of some kind of “Occupational Therapy” for dating. Until then…
To “The Publishers of Men’s Interests:” Use your grown-up voice—it’s good for the reader and for your business. Those dudes are starvin’ out there.
June
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 09:21 am: [report]
I was reading this anonymously and had to create a user name to add my story…
I went out with a guy once who during dinner got a cell phone call from his ex-girlfriend and proceeded to lie to her about where he was right in front of me. It was like, “Hi, nice to meet you. Let me show you what a #&@$% I am”
Lynn
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 12:48 pm: [report]
@ CheeeeEEEEse - I’m going to go with no. If that is your native language and you are just so turned on by our passionate sex that you can’t help screaming out in a non-English language, then that’s fine but it’s definitely not going to *add* to my horniness. But if that isn’t your native language, it’s cheesy and distracting!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 19 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]
@Lynn: No it’s not, it was a joke. But cheesy is me.