Last night I went and saw Katie Holmes in Arthur Miller’s play “All My Sons”. Now, originally I was going to compare Katie Holmes Broadway debut to Sarah Palin’s VP debate: As long as she didn’t run off the stage screaming, vomit, or totally blank on her lines, then it was a success. But then I realized, this was just too mean for the once lovable Joey Potter. Admit it, we all used to love Katie Holmes pre-Tom Cruise — before she became a robot and was renamed “Kate”.

Remember her on “Dawson’s Creek” as little Joey Potter who, both on-and-off- screen, dated the adorable, age-appropriate Pacey? Remember when she tried to seduce Michael Douglas in “Wonder Boys”, and we kinda wished he’d gone for her? Remember when she actually “acted” in “Pieces of April”, and came pretty darn close to pulling off quirky and deep? See! You used to like her! I did too! BUT, does this mean she belongs onstage opposite the fabulous Diane Wiest and legendary John Lithgow? Hell no, Xenu. But I’ll give her an A for effort. 

Watching Katie Holmes on stage was like watching a toddler attract his mom’s attention at a fancy adult dinner party. She really wanted you to know she was there—I imagine she’s had plenty of practice in her nearly two year marriage to Tom Cruise, who’s notorious for sucking all the air out of room. Holmes screamed, she thrashed, and she acted her little heart out. It just didn’t seem natural. Now, this is not just a Katie Holmes problem. Many screen actors have trouble making the transition to the stage. They don’t know how to project their voices, and thus end up screaming at the audience, which is exactly what Holmes did.

On the bright side, she looked great, remembered all her lines, and her arms were fabulous! Kudos to her trainers.

[Based on this review, I would go see Harry Potter’s ween in “Equus” instead, if I wasn’t cutting back on my theater-going because of the recession.—Editor]