Mickey Mouse Got A Makeover. But What About Minnie?

You know how our grandparents grew up yelling “Hello, Mickey” back at the TV during cartoon hour? Well, today’s kids seem to view the helium-voiced mascot as more of a logo, or maybe a hat design, than as a lovable character. I guess that didn’t sit well with the higher-ups at Disney, who want their iconic moneymakers to hold not just our attention but our hearts. So Disney is re-imagining Mickey Mouse. Next fall, in a video game called “Epic Mickey,” Nintendo Wii players will have the opportunity to mold their own CGI version of Mickey, who will travel through the Small World ride gone wrong and face a disemboweled robot Donald Duck, among other dilemmas. Mickey’s appearance will change through his adventures, with the way gamers make Mickey behave. In this universe, Mickey will be a rascally character, a la Bart Simpson, which was his original persona. Sounds great. But, uh, what about Minnie? And Donald? And Goofy? And Daisy? After the jump, we suggest how to bring them into 2009 as well.. [NY Times]

We say that it’s time for Minnie Mouse to ditch the bow—if she doesn’t think her dress and eyelashes didn’t differentiate her enough from Mickey, maybe she should consult a plastic surgeon or a breast enlargement hypnotherapist. Speaking of her dresses, we think it’s time she experimented with garments above the knee. And why not try out some blue? While her beau is getting all devious, Minnie’s gonna need some edge. Maybe she can play bass in a band? And ditch Mickey for a spot on “Rock of Love?”

Donald Duck can stay the same, but can he get a v-neck t-shirt instead of the old sailor uniform?

Daisy Duck should change her name back to Donna and acknowledge her real age—she was born in 1937. She should wear a lot of leopard print and hit on much younger, hotter cartoon characters rather than settle for grumbly old Donald.

It’s pretty obvious that Goofy should be bisexual—he’s always secretly had a thing for both Mickey and Minnie, right? I think Goofy is rich now, too. He’s the only cartoon to ever make money on the real estate crash, because he bought swampland from Disney back in the day. He’s obviously traded in the little cap for a fedora, and is now far too self-assured to say things like “Aww shucks.”

What do you think? How would you update the Disney stable?