Real Chick Lit: “The Smart Girl’s Guide To Getting Even”
Posted by: Chelsea Kaplan
Filed in:
relationships
10:30AM, Friday August 29th 2008
After J. broke up with me my senior year in high school, I was pissed. Livid. Just a few weeks earlier, he told me he loved me, we went to prom and all was glorious in the world. What the heck? After a few weeks of having an intimate rebound relationship with a box of Kleenex, I became dead-set on making his life as unpleasant as he had made mine.
In order to exact my revenge, my best friend and I went to the mall where the kids who went to his high school always hung out. We approached every high-school aged girl we could find, asked if she knew J., and then told her to stay away from him and his terrible case of back-ne. Mature? Hell no. Satisfying? Undeniably.
Though I think my plan was rather brilliant, I probably would have received some nice inspiration had Alison Grambs’ book “The Smart Girl’s Guide To Getting Even” been around in 1994. In it, she offers all sorts of perfectly legal yet wholly satisfying ways to get back at the Js —i.e. the complete and total jerks—of the world. After the jump, find a sampling of her I-will-not-go-down-quietly strategies.
The Charity Case: Getting dumped can make a girl feel terribly exposed. Vulnerable. Naked. So why not give your ex a taste of what you’re going through? Unless your ex resides at a nudist commune, chances are he depends on his clothes. So, imagine the predicament he’ll be in when he opens his closet to find only the hangers remaining. Bag up all every single item of clothing he owns—underwear, shirts, jeans, suits, ties, socks and shoes—even that ridiculous rodeo belt buckle he paid $500 for on eBay despite never having sat on a horse. Stuff everything into some heavy-duty garbage bags and deliver them to the nearest thrift shop for donation. Your former Knight in Shining Armor? Well, now he’s just a Knight In Hairy Nakedness.
Cain & Enable: He said he wanted to see “other people”. Well, why not see some “other people” yourself then? Namely, his brother. Imagine how awkward Thanksgiving dinner will be for your ex when he is forced to watch you and his (more handsome) bro canoodling across the table the whole time. If that gelatinous canned cranberry sauce his mother insists on serving each year doesn’t cause him to lose his appetite, your newly restored place in his family will! And that’s something to be most thankful for during the holiday season!
Beeeeeeeeeeep!: There are two sides to every story, and breakups are no different. You can bet your best lip gloss, however, that your ex hasn’t been truthful with his friends and family about just how cruel he was to you. Why not use the marvels of technology to help clarify the situation? Change his outgoing voicemail greeting or Facebook status to say, “Hi, I’m not here right now. I’m too busy breaking the heart of a loving woman who gave me everything, and asked for so little. Please leave a message at the beep and I’ll get back to you when I’m done being a complete jerk.” Tsk tsk. All those girls he gave his number to last night at the bar? Something tells us they won’t be leaving a message. Boo-hoo.
Make The Breath Of A Bad Situation: Communication is the key to a good relationship, but fresh breath and a polished appearance is the key to a hot date. And your ex is about to find out how terribly wrong things can go. When you stop by his place to remove the last of any personal belongings you have stashed there, ask to use the bathroom before you go. While in there, relieve yourself in his mouthwash bottle and maybe slip a little hair remover or pink dye into his shampoo while you’re at it. Looking good, stud boy.
Perfect His Playlist: Your ex messed with your head… now it’s time to mess with his. Swipe his mp3 player when he isn’t looking, and remove all his favorite music from it. Replace all his classic rock tunes with the recording of elderly tortoises mating on the Galapagos Islands that you picked up at the Discovery Channel store. He thought dating you was a headache? Ha! Just wait until he tries to work out at the gym to this soundtrack.
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Ben Dover
wrote on August 30 2008 @ 05:31 pm: [report]
The facts are the more of a jerk you are to women, the more fun you can have with them. Nice guys finish last and who really cares what women think, especially if you are like most rich guys (like me) who will never marry and will date and have sex with the hottest young women, without cohabitating (or giving them my key) or getting married. Getting married is a very bad business deal. Only a fool would do it.
Steve
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 02:00 pm: [report]
Almost all of those revenge tips are against the law, and at worst, petty and childish.
Glenda
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 07:56 pm: [report]
Actually, NO reaction is the best revenge. Most high drama freaks are looking for your tearful reaction to them summarily dumping you. Otherwise, they would not have pulled the rug out from under you, would they? They would have let you see it coming, but they didn’t. Most guys who do the blindside “dump” suffer from low self esteem and are looking to your tearful reaction as confirmation to their virility. Dont give it to them. If dumped, just sniff, and say, Oh really? Thanks for telling me. No reaction at all. They will wonder what’s wrong with them or if you actually heard them correctly. They will probably try to get you back - NOT LIKELY! Then proceed to live your life successfully and happily WITHOUT THEM, The best revenge anyway. Works every time.
Mavis
wrote on August 31 2008 @ 10:30 pm: [report]
The concept of the perfect body is a myth. We believe that the stress caused by the unrealistic expectations of society is very damaging. Naturists practice body acceptance. When you visit a naturist environment you’ll find all types of bodies in all shapes, sizes, ages and colors — many of them with the signs of a full life. Naturist looks like you and I and come from all walks of life. You will find it to be a relaxing lifestyle that is free of the daily stress we all experience. Naturist groups like naturistmingle.com are looking for people who are open minded and want to enjoy the company of others of a like mind.
Budlight Lime Gal
wrote on September 3 2008 @ 09:05 am: [report]
I guess I don’t see the point in getting revenge, even if they did something terrible I don’t hold grudges. Just pick myself up and move onto the next one.
DoubleMint Twin
wrote on September 4 2008 @ 07:08 pm: [report]
Pee in your xbf’s mouthwash bottle!?!? One of the reasons I dumped my last long term gf was because she had…ummm….bad physical hygiene issues. Urine flavored mouthwash would have been an upgrade for me {{cough…cough}}
Well she got married to her previous boyfriend within 6 whole months of me breaking up with her. Guess she showed me!
Caroline
wrote on September 4 2008 @ 07:40 pm: [report]
Other fine suggestions:
1) Set his favorite car ablaze. It only takes a little squirt of lighter fluid, a match, and whoosh!...Enjoy the warmth of nice car fire. Oh, and don’t forget to cancel his car insurance for him days before the ‘incident’.
2) Call his parents and fake a pregnancy…what fun you can have with that one.
3) Go his workplace and act real crazy, throw stuff around, smash things, scream and yell alot…then screw his boss to get him fired…you can always hire someone to do this for you too if you don’t have the gumption.
Gloria
wrote on September 5 2008 @ 10:46 am: [report]
Hey Ben Dover,
I’d like to bend you over show a broom handle a place where the sun don’t shine.
Let’s get together soon.
david
wrote on September 7 2008 @ 06:31 pm: [report]
more reasonable suggestions:
1) fake your own death and send him the suicide note!
2) burn his house down
3) steal his credit cards and identity and buy an island
4) Kidnap his parents and make him grovel hands and knees.