Real Chick Lit: The Handjob Handbook

E., my best guy friend in college, believed that women should eliminate giving handjobs from their hook-up repertoire. “They always end up either hurting or not being satisfying at all,” he asserted.  “The bottom line: there’s no way you can do it as well as he can.” It did make perfect sense. Why should I—or any woman, for that matter—attempt to please my guy with something of which he’s perfected the art? That would be like making Italian food for Mario Batali, or giving Spencer Pratt of “The Hills” lessons on how to be a douchebag.

While the handjob may very well be the lowly stepbrother to the far more glamorous blow job, there are times when only an HJ will do. It’s fun, practical, quick, and it’s always safe. If for these reasons you’re determined to hold on—pun totally intended—to your love of the high school hookup standard (or, simply, aren’t a fan of HJ’s far more glamorous older brother), the key to success may be reviewing Marsha Normandy and Joseph St. James’s new book, “The Handjob Handbook: A Work of Non-Friction.”

Normandy, a 32-year-old happily married woman, and St. James, a 30-year-old gay man, claim they’ve had enough frank conversations with their girlfriends to know that women don’t always know what to do “down there”. “When most people think of a handjob, they think only of ‘The Basic’—the one your boyfriend has been giving himself since he was 13,” St. James says. “However, there is more than one way to give a handjob.” According to the Normandy and St. James, there are actually at least 25. Their techniques include “The Candy Cane”, “The EZ Pass”, “The Jiffy Pop” and “The Taffy Pull.” Each “job” is detailed and, oh yes, illustrated, including a scale of difficulty and a suggestion of when it’s most appropriately performed (“quickie”, “appetizer”, “a special occasion” or “easy for your guy to perform solo”). As a bonus, the authors include a cheeky guide to “man-atomy,” a few cautionary tales and answers to frequently asked handjob questions (“Is there anything I can do to speed things along?”, “What do I do if he’s uncircumcised?”, “What do I do if my hand gets tired?”). Also included are a list of Handos and Handon’ts (Do: Clean up, listen to your man, Don’t: Wear jewelry, get distracted). 

With all of this instruction, there’s really no reason you can’t bring the passion and sexual power of the handjob within your — ahem — grasp. And why not – if you’re willing to revisit the reinvented New Kids on the Block and “90210”, why not give the handjob the same opportunity? Maybe I should get a copy for E.’s girlfriend…