Reader Mail: How Do I Attract A Good Man?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]

I am the male version of this reader.

PinkRanger
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]

I would love to punch that ex square in the nose. I dealt with a guy like that in my highschool boyfriend. He seemed to think I was lucky to have him, and I was young and stupid and figured he was right. He tore my self-esteem to shreds by the time we broke up and I went off to college. But for a relationship to work, you just need to feel equally lucky that you found each other. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, grad school and all *wow! congrats for even making it that far!* so you really sound like a catch to me!

writergirl
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]

The key is self-esteem and it isn’t about “them” its about you.

Until you tell yourself “I deserve to be happy” it probably isn’t going to happen.  And to some extent, it is true.  Once you realize you DESERVE to be happy, you generally won’t settle for someone, you will find the guy that makes you happy.

True story—I had a knack for dating guys who wanted to get married.  Just not to me.  For SEVEN YEARS every guy I dated married the very next girl he dated, like clock work.  It was absolutely AMAZING.

Underneath the jokes of starting my own dating agency (Want to get married?  Date me for three months and I guarantee the next girl you date will be the one you wind up married to within a year)  I, of course, wondered: what was wrong with me?

Turns out…nothing.  (You know, relatively speaking)  But until *I* admitted that to myself, I unconsciously projected “something” that there was something wrong with me and guys—like dogs picking up a scent—realized it and went off to the next one.

So it is simple, but true—getting out there is important—but telling yourself you deserve more than the jerk will ensure you wind up with the Prince.  (who may or may not change the toilet paper roll).

WinkyFace
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:03 pm: [report]

Oh Amelia. You are so right, again. “You can never be enough for someone if they are not enough for THEMSELVES.” I came to terms with this over the last few days when I started wondering if the break I’m on will roll over into a breakup.

Don’t you think all men in their 20’s should be required to take some kind of spiritual journey to discover themselves? It should be something like wandering in the desert for 40 days, but with less God and more commitment.

Amelia
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]

@WinkyFace YES! Instead of waking up one day in the middle of their Saturn Return Quarterlife Crisis, unwilling to even consider the fact that they should have a little therapy.

hiyahails
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]

i loved this article
so motivational!

wawmama
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]

I want to do very bad things to this chick’s ex. (And not in the nice way.) He sounds like a douche bag…wait tramping down her self esteem to make himself feel better and breaking up with her? He IS a MAAAJJJOOORRR Douche. Sweetie date yourself first…sounds stupid, but you will find out what an awesome chick you are that way.

lalaland
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]

How is it that most women (that i know at least) have their sh*t together by their mid to early 20’s and men are still clueless at 30!?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]

@lalaland: You are speaking huge generalizations.

lalaland
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]

@Cheeese,
you right, sorry! Just the men I seem to date… (and this poor young woman’s douchy ex!)

Amelia
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]

@CheeeeEEEEse If only more men were like you and hung out on chick sites like this, we’d be better off honestly.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]

@Amelia: Agreed.

bogart4017
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]

to lala and amelia—-maybe we’re too busy sowing wild oats in our twenties to put our lives in its proper perspective. The scary thing is if we did what you did we would probably wind up marrying everyone we date!

alliecat
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]

I’m in a situation similar to the reader- I’m a tomboy by nature, I’ve got my eyes on the prize as far as my education and career goals, and my self-esteem is probably at an all-time high. My guy friends that tell me they’d marry me tomorrow are the ones that are already married, and the single guys give me the “let’s just be friends” line. So Frustrating! I’m trying to network, though - I’m honest with my friends and tell them if they have any single guy friends, I don’t mind being set up on blind dates. I look at it as an adventure; a sometimes annoying, irritating, downer of an adventure, but an adventure nonetheless!

nemesis1
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]

Be nice.

That’s it.

Fizzy
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]

@bogart
This is true. In fact, I think my ex is becoming a Serial Fiance.

bogart4017
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 01:31 pm: [report]

missinformation—-
I know—my younger brother became “evolved” at 22yrs old and he is currently extracting himself from his fifth marriage. Hey bro—at some point you gotta realize it ain’t them, its you!

shannac02
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 02:18 pm: [report]

I’m that chick too… Great job, smart, a guy’s girl, educated, etc… always the friend, never the bride… It only takes one jackass to completely trample your self esteem, then its a long road of second-guessing yourself and trying to re-find yourself… but it gets better! today I wore a shorty little black dress to work, and felt like a billion dollars!

Rose
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 02:30 pm: [report]

I just wanted to comment on the “not enough” thing; I’ve been dumped by a guy who said I was “too much” (and he meant my personality, not bod).  It’s all the same - they’re blaming you for what’s wrong with them.

escape
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 03:51 pm: [report]

I <3 Amelia.  Exactly what I (women everywhere) needed today (always).  Long live The Frisky.

Rusty
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 07:03 pm: [report]

@ Winkyface-For men the spirtual journey of self discovery is the 20s. Usually by the time the 10 year high school reunion comes around, men say “Sh*t, how’d I get here?” At least that’s what happened to me last year. Then the question becomes one of “Maybe now I should start to think about a future family…” Remember Ladies- Men are like the Catholic Church-Change never comes overnight.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 07:41 pm: [report]

@Rusty: The catholic church doesn’t change, it adapts, much like an alien plague adapts to penicillin (Crappy movie plot aside).

We are not like the catholic church, we accept condoms as a method of preventing STDs and forgo pregnancy. We are not like the catholic church, we masturbate, accept it, like it, and will keep doing it. We are not like the catholic church, we do not exclude women on the basis of their gender.

From your quote the only thing I can say that ‘we’ have in common is your saying “Change never comes overnight”, which I take to heart, because I can come several times in a night.

theoldman
wrote on April 9 2009 @ 08:46 pm: [report]

Ladies, men are fishermen. Some men catch women unhook them and throw them back. Others catch them and keep them. You have to figure out which one you are dating.  Set your standards and make him toe the line. This is not original with me. Steve Harvey has an excellent book out on this and it is discussed here at Oprah.com. http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/03/23/o.steve.harvey.love.advice/index.html There is a big difference between immediate gratification and long term.  I have learned having both. One was the hottest thing in my high school, the other rather average in looks but beautiful beyond words in intelligence, personality, and standards she held both herself and me to. I intend to find another like her 30 years was not enough (I wear a pink ribbon in her honor).

dream316
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 02:08 am: [report]

@hartcons Can you suggest ways we can give them the can?  If the guy is too dense to pick up on the traditional signs that we’re into them, but seems like they’re probably into us but too shy to do anything about it, how exactly do we inspire them to initiate things?  I don’t want to scare him off, but I sense that if anything is going to happen, I’m going to have to give it a solid push in that direction.

One thing I will say for 30something men over their 20something counterparts…whether or not they’ve found themselves yet, men over 30 seem to be significantly better at initiating!  Unfortunately, I suspect this might be because I am 25, and men might be more inclined to pursue younger women (perhaps I watch too much Millionaire Matchmaker to be un-cynical about this!).

nemesis1
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 06:35 am: [report]

I just HAVE TO reply to this:

” @hartcons Can you suggest ways we can give them the can? If the guy is too dense to pick up on the traditional signs that we’re into them, but seems
like they’re probably into us but too shy to do anything about it, how exactly do we inspire them to initiate things? I don’t want to scare him off, but I sense that if anything is going to happen, I’m going to have to give it a solid push in that direction.”

I see this time and again on this site. Half the posts bewail the loss of adherence to ‘tradition,’ and the other half mocks tradition. Like most American women, you folks like to adhere to tradition when it’s convenient for you, and discard it when it’s not convenient for you.

MAKE A DAMN DECISION ALREADY AND STOP PLAYING BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE!! You can’t have it all. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. Economics 101, girls!!

If you are indeed a liberated and empowered woman, and you are interested in a man, do what an empowered and liberated person does - APPROACH HIM!! Don’t all-of-a-sudden become a passive waif that puts the burden of risk and reward on others.

Do ANY of you get this?!!

Here’s the deal. Women don’t like to approach men, because there’s inherent risk in the process. That risk is ‘rejection.’ If you approach someone, they can either accept or reject you. There’s also work involved. That work includes thinking of something to say, and getting up the courage for the approach.

The majority of the time, women prefer to pass this risk and work off to men. From an evolutionary perspective, men have traditionally been the risk takers and the workers, so it’s no wonder. Equally from an evolutionary perspective, a woman required a man to make the approach in order to test his ‘alpha-maleness’ and to see how he handled himself. She did this because her primary role as caregiver and nurturer required a mentally and physically strong male to provide for her and her offspring.

For aeons, these mating methods have been hard-wired into our DNA.

However . . .

The mating ritual has changed. Women are now assuming more of the roles that were biologically hard-wired as traditionally male, and men are likewise assuming more female roles.

The problem lies herein; our evolutionary roles are changing, but we’re all in denial. We accept the change in certain aspects, but reject them in others. For example; we like the changes in the workplace, but dislike them in the mating ritual. Well, that’s just too bad, because things change regardless of whether or not we like them. A change in one evolutionary sphere innevitably means change in all the other spheres. Look at it this way: it’s nice to have computers, but you can’t power them sufficiently or for long with 100 year old electrical outlets. Sooner or later, the outlets have to change.

This issue has nothing to do with self-esteem, valuing one’s self, etc, etc. It has to do with recognizing that evolutionary change necessitates change in all spheres. Most contemporary problems in the mating ritual have to do with the inability to recognize that we are in the midst of a profound evolutionary change. The inability or unwillingness to accept this change means that we cling to old customs and roles when those customs and roles are no longer viable.

Simply put: women need to put themselves out there more and assume more of the approach-risk if they are going to meet someone suitable. The ‘traditional when it’s convenient’ role is no longer going to work. Likewise, men are going to have to accept the idea of being approached by women.

I’ll make it even more simple: write up a list of all of the best qualities that you look for in a mate; then, BECOME THAT PERSON. Don’t whine that you can’t find someone interesting and worthwhile. Become interesting and worthwhile yourself. Like attracts like. The pay-off is that even if you don’t find someone, you’ll still be an interesting person.

I DO know this; the MAJORITY of the conversations women have with one another about this are completely innefective. If they were effective, there wouldn’t be so many women talking about it, right?!! They’d be out there finding good men, because the information they were receiving from other women would be valuable.

I have to say, from years of experience, and from having dated and been friends with women of all stripes, women are off their rockers with this subject. They know no more than men, and yet they editorialize ad nausuem for hours on end. Then, when intelligent and honest men and women givd them the answers they seek, they discard those answers as being inconvenient or judgemental. I’m starting to think that all these “Where are all the good men” discussions are big whine-fests. if you want to find a good man, start by taking at look at yourself. The answer lies therein.

Fast Eddie
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 07:53 am: [report]

From my male point of view, rule #1 is Get Out There.  Nobody is going to knock on your door because your putting out psychic messages.  OK you already knew that, next step is are you ready for it to happen, that is “let it happen”, because neither you nor anyone else can “Make” it happen.  I went decades before it happened.  There were a lot of failed relationships and lot of dates that didn’t make to “Having a relationship”.  Stick to your core values be they: having children, religion, fancy clothes, whatever…  I had to pass on some women that there was a conflict in some area that was not negotiable for me.  I had to wait a long time to get to the point that I was ready and the rest was easy.

dream316
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 02:29 pm: [report]

@hartcons, Thanks for the advice!  I would love to have a guy texting me bad poetry and making me CDs!  I will try what you suggested, probably with the help of some liquid courage.

@nemesis1, I really hope that lecture is not directed at me :(  I am sorry to have offended you with the word traditional, but I was merely referring the traditional flirting signs (arm touching, eye contact, compliments, etc.).  I have no problem initiating and putting myself out there, I just have no interest in creating an awkward situation, ending up with someone who isn’t that into me but is going along for the sake of convenience, or putting men off by being the pursuer rather than the pursued.  I understand your frustration with the persistence of outdated gender traditions, and it would be nice if in all realms men and women *could* meet each other halfway and operate as equals, but we have to accept that sometimes, men and women are suited better to different things.  And how fortunate you are that we are the ones stuck with childbirth in that equation!

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 02:38 pm: [report]

@dream316: Don’t lose sleep over nemesis, he is the resident troll.

dream316
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 05:58 pm: [report]

Thanks CheeeeEEEEse.  I <3 you.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 10 2009 @ 06:26 pm: [report]

@Dream316: Not enough people do open carrot three me. I do appreciate the sentiment though.

Muttface
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 01:19 am: [report]

What is all this tomfoolery about a quarter life crisis? I have never heard of it, and I am in my late twenties. I think its bull, kind of like “healthy” butter.

Erika
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]

What attracts men is not your looks, it’s your vibe.  How present are you?  What is your belief system when it comes to men and dating?  How in touch are you with your own emotional reality?  Do you judge other people or love them?

- Erika from www. awakeningfromthedream. blogspot. com

nemesis1
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 03:20 pm: [report]

“but we have to accept that sometimes, men and women are suited better to different things.  And how fortunate you are that we are the ones stuck with childbirth in that equation!”

Boo hoo. And women have the unilateral right to end a pregnancy or give birth - hence universal legal control over reproduction. Men are handed an invoice or a death certificate.

BTW - as far as women and men being suited to different things, Lawrence Summers said that at Harvard, and was fired for it.

You’ll all be happy to know I’m not coming back here anymore. You’re a bunch of snivelling brats.

powplz
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 05:44 pm: [report]

@Muttface - agreed.  I’m in my 20s and had to wiki “quarter life crisis” when an old buddy from high school referenced having one in her facebook status.  Check out the wiki page for it - you’ll get a good laugh.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 07:17 pm: [report]

@Joyy: Great, I’ll just add another neurosis to my list. Thanks….

PinkRanger
wrote on April 12 2009 @ 05:38 pm: [report]

@nemesis1: Awesome!! Have a great life void of women!! *they don’t like it when you hate them*

LenR
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 01:52 am: [report]

I don’t know about anyone else, but when women make $1 for every $1 that men make, then I’ll approach a man and take the inherent “risk”... until then, sorry… he can bear the brunt of it,

retro chic
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]

100%, LenR. Money (same job/same salary) is not just the great, but only, equalizer in all things.

Penthesilea
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 03:11 pm: [report]

I feel that the guy who told that girl she wasn’t “enough” was probably saying she was too much!  I’m in a similar boat—finishing up my Masters, going for my PhD—and I get told by men that I’m too intimidating.  All I can say is, SFW?!  I tried to “dumb it down” for a while (and found it’s easier to be underestimated as a blond), but I still found myself in crappy demeaning relationships.  While I don’t have an answer, being single at 30 myself, all I can say is never change who you are for someone else.  If you do change, let it be growth and improvement for yourself.

@retro chic: I agree completely, but I’d add “education” to the list.  I’m an IQ snob.

Perfect Girlfriend
wrote on April 13 2009 @ 03:29 pm: [report]

LOVE yourself & BE yourself!  Sometimes you meet the right person when you’re not looking/thinking about a relationship ... let it happen naturally.  Just my 2 cents.

retro chic
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 01:11 am: [report]

@FrommmmAAAAge, The Saturn Return (age 27-31) is more real and specific than the quarter-life-crisis. Not so sure about that one—and begs the question: How many 100-year-olds do we know?. See Kiki’s article/post:
http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-welcome-to-hell-the-saturn-return/

Personally, I and others also found that’s when the gravity of adulthood, hopeful let go of childhood issues, is fully realized; and you begin knowing what you want, or at least, what you don’t—generally, the longest moment of truth you’ve ever had up ‘til then. It neatly coincides with the biological peak to marry and mate. That’s when you hear about some men approaching 30 eagerly running to the altar. Now, you can’t say I never spoke French to you…

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 06:59 am: [report]

@Retro Chic: I have a 100 year old distant family member (Not by blood), I got to go to his centenarian party. He was wicked cool to talk to. His invitation was a picture of him at the Capitol in his late 20’s early 30’s at Roosevelt’s first inauguration in ‘31. So awesomely cool.

retro chic
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 07:25 am: [report]

Haha! You *would* be one of the few that knows one! I speak French to you, and impart celestial wisdom, and that’s all you can say?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 08:01 am: [report]

@Retro Chic: I would prefer nǎi lào (乾酪) or gān lào (奶酪), I also don’t know what you are talking about. Is Saturn going to hit me in the head or something?

retro chic
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]

@Chee…se, go to Kiki’s link above (or g-search), all will be revealed, young Fromage. You mock and “meh” now… but wait 4-8 years and you will see…

hartcons1
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 09:35 am: [report]

@Penthesilea - i like smart women. there’s so much more to talk about. but i must admit i also like girlie things like when they fuss with their hair and do big curls or use a hair straightener or play with false eyelashes or try different clothes/perfumes. so for me smart is great as long as she still likes doing some girl stuff, too.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 14 2009 @ 09:42 am: [report]

@Retro Chic: All I got from that article is that the universe doesn’t stop turning.

Gingee
wrote on April 17 2009 @ 08:35 am: [report]

If ya want to get married to a good guy, the best advice is from a book by John T. Molloy.  Date only men who are marriage minded.

Mr. Molloy offers specific advice, and if I were on the market, I would be doing as he says to do.

Men who are ready to commit vary a bit, by age and education:  The more highly educated, the later he’s going to remain single.

When you meet a potential mate, one who is good enough for you, let him spoil you for at least six months. Do not do any of that chore work, cleaning his house, any of it.  As one guy said, “No one marries the servant.”

Another rule:  If he can’t pay, he can’t stay.

Gingee

powplz
wrote on April 17 2009 @ 09:18 am: [report]

@Gingee - “If he can’t pay, he can’t stay.” ???  How shallow.

Gingee
wrote on April 17 2009 @ 10:01 am: [report]

Shallow?  If you think so.  If a gal wants a guy enough to pay his bills, and support him, while he is doing nothing to improve himself,  there is an endless supply.

I deserve better.

Gingee

sambabriza
wrote on April 18 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]

@Gingee: surely you must be mentally handicapped? You believe that you deserve a male who is like a vending machine that requires no money! Well, honey, you are wrong, and your previous comment was absurd!

“The more highly educated, the later he’s going to remain single.”

Ridiculous. You know that??? You didn’t even explain what this means. Yeah, guys who are educated think marriage is stupid. What’s the point of spending all that money just for memories that you’ll probably forget anyways. Hell, if he doesn’t marry you then that means you’re not good enough for him. What kind of statistical BS does this guy talk about?

Gingee
wrote on April 19 2009 @ 07:27 am: [report]

Nope.  Never SAID that I deserve any such thing.

Context is everything. When and if I ever decide that I deserve a leech, I will be the first to let myself know it.

In the meantime, any gal who wants to take in my male friends, allow them to shower, dine and sleep in their homes, for free, has my bleshings. I’m the one who hears guys talk about how their girlfriends give them gifts, just for having sex with them, and they think it is hilarious and they have ZERO respect for these females.

My professor told about a previous GF who allowed him to move back in after he lost his job.  He said that every evening, not only did she provide the material needs, she offered to have sex with him and that every time she did so, he lost respect for her.

‘The more highly educated the male, the longer he will remain single.’  This is about differences in education:  The guy just out of high school will marry earlier, the guy who graduates from college will marry at a later age.  This is because they want, to use Mr. Molloy’s words, to sow their wild oats.

Mr. Molloy also gave some general guidelines about when men are most likely to marry.

He heard from women who had been with a guy for years, only to be dumped when the man found and married another woman and he asked these men why.

One trait that ALL these guys hated:  Females who are catty to other women. 

He also addressed the universal whine about “Why didn’t he call?” and found that men who did not call knew there was no future, thus there was no reason to telephone, but that men who were interested did call.

Another trait that turned men away:  Females who are catty towards other women.

As for your comments about “guys who are educated think marriage is stupid,” I have no idea how you acquired this notion, but I’m not about to tell you that your beliefs are wrong.

I will point out that Mr. Molloy’s book is still in print, and that if you disagree with his findings, I suggest you inform him, not me.

sambabriza
wrote on April 19 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]

Context IS everything… but this isn’t a philosophy lesson (especially when one doesn’t provide grounds for it). This is how women can attract good men. I think you understand that, as does every other person, when you give freely to another person there is no doubt that they will take advantage of it.

Isn’t that a fact of life?

It works both ways. A man who gives freely to a woman is taken advantage of. PEOPLE who give freely will be emptied regularly, like a wastebasket.

@Gingee… what turns women on to guys? Why don’t I tell you. If they are an Alpha Male. What does this mean? That other guys are scared to compete with him because they know that he is ‘master of the domain’. What does THAT mean? That women are attracted to males that are dominant.

If women are catty (as in, not easy to get along with), it refers to their lack of a submissive nature. This is psychology… you can’t let your primal urges control your rational thought. Animals act like this. Animals have a distinction between males and females socially, and in reality, up until it comes to the bedroom, everything is equal.

I don’t actually believe that there is a man in the world who will not commit. I do believe, however, that some men, just as with women, are so full of contempt for the other sex that it shrouds their perception. A couple really bad experiences, and that’s that. I know I’ve had the feeling that there’s nobody out there for me after a bad experience with a woman, and it’s not something that’s easy to forget. Sometimes it takes faith to keep you above the water. What I believe, is that those men, those women, who cannot commit haven’t found the right person. In no way is that anybody’s fault, as, such is life.

You want to find a guy who’s ready to commit? Well I’d prefer a girl who just plain wants to enjoy life. What happens after you’ve already achieved ‘commitment’? There’s a huge world out there. Don’t LOOK for stupid meaningless things like commitment. Have faith. Keep it close to you. But keep your passions closer.

Gingee
wrote on April 19 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]

What you wrote:  A couple really bad experiences, and that’s that.  I know I’ve had the feeling there’s nobody out there for me after a bad experience with a woman and it’s not something that’s easy to forget.”

Oh, my.  Here is a brief recap of my experiences. EVERY guy I’ve been with, dated, was a prince and I was honored that they wanted to be with me.  Had that long term committment with one man, that ended with his death, but did not end the love I felt and feel for him.  He was a king among men.

“You want to find a guy who will commit?”

I was not looking for another long term committment, love, or anything, but it happened, on the one day when I looked and felt dreadful, my absolute worst.

Dear One approached me, it was love at first sight, as it was with my husband, and I’ve been committed to him ever since.  He is wonderful, brave, and strong and smart, and his happiness is as important to me as is my own happiness, and whatever we have, fun is certainly part of it.

He is a good guy, not a nice guy, a good guy:  Meaning he will never deliberately harm me. 

It appears that you are a male, and so I do not expect you to understand this, but for us females, we have to be aware of danger in ways that men do not need to be aware.

“Don’t look for stupid meaningless things like committment?”  Oy.  There is nothing stupid or meaningless about what we feel for each other, what we share, what we give to each other.

‘What turns women onto men?’ 

I have no idea what other gals seek in mates, but the trait that is essential to moi is empathy. Dear One has an interesting masculinity; he is so tender.  It is the strongest male thing someone can do - to reveal that tenderness in him.

Perhaps, according to your standards, this makes Me Mentally Handicapped, being so blissfully happy, and so very much in love, but that’s all right.

sambabriza
wrote on April 19 2009 @ 11:32 pm: [report]

“We should have a great fewer disputes in the world if words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.”  ~John Locke

Sorry, if I wanted to argue about how awesome your man is, I would never have said anything like “you can’t let your primal urges control your rational thought.”

Wait, no. I would have. Rather that than argue your “If a man can’t pay, man can’t stay” idea.

misspixie
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 02:57 am: [report]

I have always thought if someone turns up who has relationship potential, then great. If not, then fine - I am probably just meant to spend some time with it just being me - and I don’t mind myself that much and I am happy to say that I don’t feel the need to have a guy there next to me all the time (as nice as it is and can be - and there are definite perks to that).

However, as modern 21st century independant women, who, for the most part, have an insane amount of freedom and choice available to us, why are we focusing on this? I think a good idea is to stop focusing so much on having a guy there and go and have fun and maybe he’ll just turn up when we’re not looking.

Gingee
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 06:59 am: [report]

*smiling*

You don’t mind spending some time with yourself? That is a very healthy attitude.

As I call it, I am the center of my world. 
Was not looking for someone, or an anyone:  He picked me.

He, with the most interesting masculinity, has enriched my life.

If gals want to meet Good Men, go where the men are, and also your best ally is other women.  Men do not introduce their female friends to other males, women, however, sometimes like playing matchmaker.

Again, referring to Mr. Molloy, do not waste your time on stringers, men who will never commit, and he tells how to spot them.

Set a time limit: If the two of you are not sexually monogamous after six momths, move on.  Avoid the bitter ones, the males with baggage.  They are not worthy of your time, and you deserve better.

Remember, all wives are trophy wives. We are the prize to be won.

powplz
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 08:21 am: [report]

@Gingee - so women are supposed to find a man to support them and pay their bills while they do nothing to improve themselves?  Please.  “Must be able to finanically support himself” was pretty high up on my mental list of what makes a guy keeper material, for sure. 

But the way you tout your bullsh1t, you make it sound like you’ll boot the guy if he isn’t able/willing to float YOU.

Gingee
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 08:49 am: [report]

I never said or suggested any such thing about a guy’s paying the freight charge for any female.

As to the 2nd paragraph:  Ad hominum.

You are answering statements never uttered by me.

powplz
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 09:00 am: [report]

“If a guy can’t pay, he can’t stay” - implies that he’s supposed to pay for the woman.  You might want to rephrase your little “sayings” so that you don’t sound so ridiculous.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 09:02 am: [report]

“If a guy can’t pay, he can’t play”

Gingee
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 09:31 am: [report]

No.

My boss says this, “If he can’t pay, he can’t stay,” and I agree.

I never imply anything, and if ever I become so stupid as to believe any such rot, I will be the first to inform me of my change in opinion.

It speaks for itself:  It refers to desperate females who will support that lump on the couch just to have a male around. 

The Original Question was about how to attract a good guy:

One final word:  The optimal age for a gal who wants to marry is 28.

Do not take my word for it:  John Molloy, whoses career has been based on conducting research for his clients is the one who made that statement.

Given that since I’ve been following his guidelines in The New Dress for Success for Women, and how well it has worked, whatever Mr. Molloy says is okay by me.

Those of ya who do not like hearing the opinions of my older, successful male bossea are free to ignore anything and everything that was posted by Yours Truly.

“If you want an all day do right woman, you got to be an all night do right kind of man.”  Gram Parsons

powplz
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 09:34 am: [report]

Just letting you know then, if that’s the totally reasonable message you’re trying to convey, that phrase is absolutely not working.

Gingee
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]

I do not understand. What is it about my sounding ridiculous that is so wrong?

powplz
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 09:52 am: [report]

“If he can’t pay, he can’t stay” hardly conveys the message of: you should respect yourself enough to not be a doormat - if a man isn’t stable enough to take care of himself, he probably isn’t stable enough for an adult relationship.

“If he can’t pay, he can’t stay” sounds like something you’d hear obnoxious reality-tv hos would say who expect men to pay for THEM.

Also, it seems like you follow an awful lot of rules.  The problem with rules is that they set everyone up to try to fit one ideal, even if the intentions are good, and that’s kind of a disaster plan.  If those rules work for you: go for it. 

We all have our own rules though, and reciting something like “The optimal age for a woman to marry is 28” makes you sound stupid.  After reading through your posts and reading between the lines, you don’t seem stupid, so it makes me shake my head at how ‘ridiculous’ you sound. 

Stop trying so hard.  Advice doesn’t need to rhyme to be good.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]

“If he’s gay, he won’t play, but he may pay”....for your drink, so you’ll dance with him.

powplz
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]

@cheese - you’re starting to remind me of Judge Smails from Caddyshack.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 10:04 am: [report]

@joyy: I don’t play golf.

powplz
wrote on April 20 2009 @ 10:06 am: [report]

neither do I - doesn’t mean I don’t love me some Caddyshack.

Bonus
wrote on May 24 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]

I think this is an important question that needs to be asked also: ‘What do you consider to a good man?’.

How old is he, what does he look like, what does he do, how much does he earn?

At what age do you want men like this? Also, are there enough of these men to go around?

Gingee
wrote on May 24 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]

First:  Will He ever physically harm me?  If my instinct says no, I walk.

Next, I must be sexually attracted to him. If that is a no, there’s no use wasting his time or my time.

We MUST have fun together, and we do not need to spend over Five dollars. We have had some of the best times just by staying inside, cooking a meal, and enjoying each other’s company, and then end the evening when we go to bed, I curl up on his chest, he holds me and we fall asleep.

And in the morning, when he leaves to go to his J O B, I smile at him and say “Good morning,” then go back to sleep until it is time for me to get up and get to my place of employment, and I leave him a vase of flowers and a card that says, “I appreciate the things that you do.”

To JOYY:  MY MALE BOSS is the one who says, “If he can’t pay, he can’t stay.” If you do not like his opinion, I doubt that he will care.  IF YOU ARE GOING TO REPEAT THAT, AT LEAST CREDIT THE MAN WHO SAYS IT.

I do not watch TV, so whatever those people say is not relevant to my life.

I realize that a lot of American women tend to answer questions that I HAVE NEVER said, and it is tiresome.

I NEVER SAID THAT THE OPTIIMAL AGE FOR WOMEN TO MARRY IS 28.  That quote is from a book by John T. Molloy, something I have said before, but apparently YOU want to say that this is my opinion, and again, Mr. MOLLOY wrote it, NOT ME.  I would NEVER say such a thing.  Again:

JOHN T. MOLLOY, in his book for women about how to find the husband of their dreams. Do you get it?

You are far too concerend with my rules: And there is ONE absolute rule:

I can not love a man who can hurt me.  If he is an abuser, he is welcome to find another volunteer.

TO BONUS;  There is no age to be a good man, as far as I know, as to what he looks like, differs for every gal, what he does is probably work at some job, and how much he earns is however much he wants to earn.

“At what age do you want men like this?”  To what do you refer? 

“Are there enough good men to go around?”  Gosh, yes.

The comment I hear most often from good men is, “If I could find a nice gal, I’d marry her tomorrow.”