Porn Makes You Bad In Bed! (Or Does It?)
Posted by: Susannah Breslin
Filed in:
sex
12:10PM, Tuesday November 3rd 2009
In “How Not to Make Love Like a Porn Star,” Salon’s Mary Elizabeth Williams sort of suggests that watching too much porn makes you bad in bed. Supposedly, the increasingly widespread availability of adult movies has turned men into a squad of jack-hammering hump machines: “porn has changed men too—what we expect of them, what they demand of themselves.” According to Williams, the modern man has learned from porn that sex is a performance, one featuring freaky sex tricks and little emotional connection. Of course, men are not alone in this indictment. Williams suggests today’s women are behaving like wannabe porn starlets in the sack, too. We’re all porn stars now! Thankfully, Williams is here to remind: “Life’s not like the movies.” Really? Gee, thanks! Maybe the problem isn’t porn, but critics who believe consumers can’t distinguish between fantasy and reality. It’s not the porn. It’s how you see it. [Salon]
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EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
Mary Elizabeth Williams could not be more off base, cant say I’m surprised.
J.D. Bauchery
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]
As a woman that works for a porn site for women, as well as has both a degree in sexuality and one in women studies, I am repeatedly shocked by the idea that people still think that porn is harmful and is ruining sex for everyone. I don’t think those folks got the memo that porn is supposed to be about fantasies. Who goes to see a movie, then bases their real life experiences on it? I didn’t leave “Jurassic Park” looking for dino prints on the ground, did you?
Yes, movies give us ideas, especially porn, but I’m not sure why that is considered an automatically inherent issue. What about giving ideas for pleasures sake? When did that get overlooked? While some folks may take it to the extreme and expect their partner to mimic the performers on screen, I think that situation is way less of a product of porn and more of a commentary on how we talk about sex in general – especially surrounding sex education. How are we going to teach abstinence only sex ed, then fault people for basing their ideas of sex on what they see - whether we are talking about porn or not.
Most people know porn is fantasy, and those that don’t may as well be waiting to find those footprints.
draymond
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
One big change from years past is the percentage of sex education that is being accomplished by porn. Where is a young person today going to get their first knowledge about what sex is like? From the schools? Most of them aren’t allowed to mention anything other than abstinence. From their parents? Most don’t have a clue how to start and might be afreaid of being hauled in by child protective services if they got too detailed. Asking friends? Never in the best of times a reliable source. Sneaking a peek a their parent’s copy of the Joy of Sex or Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask? What on earth are books anymore?
No, the teen or even preteen who hasn’t been on a date before but is wondering what sex is like is going to go to the internet. And unless they are so lucky as to find the needle in the haystack of good sex education sites they are going to find lots of hardcore porn…and they won’t have any real life experience or other points of view to evaluate it against.
The other thing that has happened is that porn has changed. If you doubt me go rent or download some ‘classic’ porn like Emmanuelle or Insatiable or Taboo or whatever. The quality and context of the sex were entirely different. A porn movie could easily go a quarter of an hour between sex scenes to establish place, mood, character and motivation. Using ten minutes of a sex scene on foreplay activities wasn’t longer than the whole scene. The combination of video replacing film, internet attention spans, and viagra-laced actors has made the porn that is out there far less realistic.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
abstinence! lol @ george bush…
bethlynn00
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
I think the biggest misconception men get from porn is that every women just loves to have them shoot their load all over our face…I wish that myth would be dispelled in the movies somehow.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]
Bravo, totally agree
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]
bethlynn
I don’t think men take that idea away from watching porn. It may come as a shock but us men have rational thought patterns as well and know better to realize that just because something is shown in a porn clip does not mean all women like it. Some women love it btw so it doesn’t seem to me like it is a myth that needs dispelling.
bumbler
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:35 pm: [report]
I have heard this complaint from a lot of female girlfriends. A lot of young men in the area seem to have developed the idea that sex needs to be in 13 different positions with full on jack hammering and including either anal or face shots in the repertoire. I feel sorry for these guys (usually between the ages of 20-25) who have such a one-dimensional twisted view of human sexuality but as my one friend says she’s not a charity organization there to teach the less fortunate. She just gets up and leaves in the middle when a guy starts veering off into ridiculous porn territory.
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
There’s a time and place for everything. Sometimes I like to mimic porn movies; sometimes “jack hammering” is exactly what I want. Other times I want candles and rose petals and long leisurely kisses. It’s all about having enough intimacy with your partner to interpret each other’s mood.
C.Munro
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
I don’t know that porn makes me worse in bed, as I’ve never imitated anything I saw in a porno. What it does, however, is make me less likely to desire sex with a partner in the first place.
I mean, if I can satisfy my own urges, why on earth would I go through all the work of initiating a sexual relationship with another person, especially knowing full well that it’ll mean having to deal with the frightening consequences (pregnancy, disease), emotional baggage, and loss of freedom that always comes with sex anyway?
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]
oh i dont like it that every porn scene has to involve some anal… we’re not all into it.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:54 pm: [report]
@majick
I agree that there is a time and place for almost everything and it of course depends on the people involved. I keep seeing the phrase “jack hammering” being used like it is a bad thing no matter what, guess someone flipped the switch on the back of the male to “jackhammer”.
@bumbler
While I don’t doubt this is the case with some of the guys in your area or in general, I think that outlook has much more to do with their age and experience rather than them getting these ideas from porn. Also, I don’t claim to know your friend you referenced but I somehow doubt her statement.
Riley
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:54 pm: [report]
@C.Munro - I’m glad I’m not the only guy that thinks along those lines. Maybe I’m less broken than I previously thought.
@MuchoMacho - Take “anal” out of the search box.
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]
@C.Munro: Stop that! You’re depressing me! Sex with someone else is waaayyy better than by yourself if you’re with the right person. There are good women out there. I swear it. Please don’t limit yourself because of past bad experiences.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]
S.O.B… I knew it would be something simple…
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
I follow C.Munroe’s philosophy to a t.
C.Munro
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:03 pm: [report]
Oh, there absolutely are good women out there. I’ve even had the fortune to date some of them. Only a few of my experiences have been bad.
The problems are, I’m not such a great boyfriend, and I’m not all that into casual sex. I want the kind of sex one has in a loving relationship, but I’m too lazy and narcissistic to actually sustain such a relationship. I mean, if I could do hook-ups or a FWB situation, that’d be different, but that stuff just isn’t worth the work and worry. Porn is so much less complicated, even if it’s not as good as the real thing.
bumbler
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]
@EastCoastMale I don’t hear this from one woman but from many. I agree that immaturity and inexperience has something to do with it but all these guys are getting pretty similar ideas of what sex is from somewhere. I doubt they’ve just conjured it up in their collective imaginations. Strange how the trend mirrors what is commonly shown in mainstream porn as well huh? There’s no doubt in my mind that the mainstream porn industry portrays a very certain type of sex that differs much more drastically from common (common not normal) sex than it ever has in the history of porn. It’s naive for many people here to say “I don’t take my sexual cues from porn so I doubt this is a real problem” I’m sure most of you would say you’re smarter than the average population as well so why is it so far-fetched that this is a growing trend?
bumbler
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:20 pm: [report]
Also I should make it clear that my problem with porn is only when you’re taking it as your sole basis of how you should be having sex with a partner. If it’s for masturbation or some hints, I don’t care. The problem with letting it be your step by step guide to intercourse is that since the majority of porn is still consumed by and marketed to men it focuses on male pleasure instead of equal pleasure. Women generally take longer to orgasm than men and some of the strategies for most, not all, sexual situations would be slower build-up and finding a position that stimulates the G-spot. In my experience constantly switching positions makes it harder to orgasm versus like 3 positions during sex. Also things like anal, while many women enjoy it we biologically do not have the same equipment to enjoy it in the same way as a man making it much less popular than porn portrays it. Someone who learns whats expected of them from porn (male or female) may not take this one-sided view into account and end up having a less than satisfying love life than someone who takes their cues from their partner and experiments together.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
@bumbler: I’m dumb as a brick.
bumbler
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:25 pm: [report]
@Cheeeeeeese You’re too hard on yourself. You’re at least a brick with a fourth-grade education.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:26 pm: [report]
@bumbler: Awww thanks, that means a lot.
NomChompsky
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]
I agree.
I’d go so far as to say that any guy who doesn’t understand the difference between porn and real life wouldn’t have been a very good lover anyway, regardless of whether he got ideas out of porn.
Also, if you continue hooking up with somebody who does stupid porn stuff, at a certain point it really becomes your problem. Communication is good.
bettyboo
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]
i’m not sure about sexual technique and porn, i suspect alot pf people are exposed to alot more ideas than they might have come up with with their own imaginations, which could definitely make their sexlives way more interesting as long as the couple can communicate well enough to discard the porn moves that don’t work… and it’s probably made alot of people more open minded too as the ‘dirty’ acts like anal become more acceptable, tho in the downside that may mean that the man wants what the woman is reluctant to give or vice versa.. my ex used to try to persuade me to try anal/shaving etc with the phrase ‘the women in the porn mags do it..’ strangely enough this made me even less inclined (tho now i now love the first one with my current guy.. ;0) ). Where I do wonder if porn has had an effect is on appearence.. such as if the increase in plastic surgery such aqs boob jobs and especially if the current trend towards shaving the pubic hair has led from more exposure to porn (where i’m guessing it was originally done to stop penetrative sex just looking like a big mixed ball of fur..) I’ve only seen a very little filmed or photographed porn (more a story/illustration fan) as the lack of hair seemed very unnatural and repellent to me, especially as the women didn’t look turned on (not esp wet/swollen/flushed) either so it all seemed a bit odd and unarousing, but if the first nude people you see in a sexual context have been shaved (and boosted with silicon in other areas or circumsized and generally made less natural) that is what you’ll associate with a naked woman/man and thats what you’ll like and you’ll have the same reaction i did to the hairless people with a natural unpruned/snipped person and thus people shave or otherwise alter themselves to match their own or others expectations and gradually the porn look becomes the norm…
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
@C.Munro: Musicians are supposed to be arrogant and narcissistic. It’s part of their charm. The right girl will boost your ego to the point it’s embarrassing (even though you’re secretly eating it up), and you’ll want to treat her like a princess so she’ll stick around and keep doing it.
As far as I’m concerned my husband is the smartest, sexiest, most talented man who ever lived and f*ck anyone who doesn’t think so. I tell him he’s amazing pretty much daily. He gives me the “aw, shucks, no I’m not” response, but he smiles a little when he thinks I’m not looking. In return, he’d crawl naked through hell on a leash with a smile on his face if I needed him to.
bettyboo
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:16 pm: [report]
@ majicksand
oooh kinky.. ;0)
develange
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:35 pm: [report]
I credit porn for preparing me for my first BJ.
Not talking about deep-throating and face-f*cking, but what rhythm to use, where to put my hands, etc.
Since then I’ve incorporated my own technique, but I have to say, porn CAN come in handy. Where else would we learn the wondrous piledriver position?
C.Munro
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 03:56 pm: [report]
Meh, every time I’ve met a girl who inspired feelings that strong in me, she’s wanted to keep things platonic. And ... I can’t say I blame any of them for that.
But after a few years, it became easier to ignore any woman to whom I felt a powerful attraction. And after a few years of that, it became natural to not have strong romantic feelings at all. All that’s left is a vague desire for sex, which my rational mind dismisses as hormonally induced anyway. When you consider your sexual urges insignificant, it’s simple to take care of them with the same attitude one would have about taking out the garbage. Just get it over with so you can have another three days of not having to think about it.
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 04:32 pm: [report]
@C.Munro: I demand that you knock that sh*t off right now. OMG, you’re as bad as JSW. Why is it that the cute, funny, intelligent guys are the ones giving up?
SCRMOM
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 04:40 pm: [report]
Thankfully, I became sexually active with my boyfriend (now husband) before Internet porn became so popular. We would spend hours and hours trying different positions/acts solely for the sake of mutual pleasure. When we tried something new, we weren’t imitating something we saw in porn; instead, it was spontaneous and natural. While it probably took us awhile to figure it out or try it, we’ve probably done everything in mainstream porn. I like that neither of us had any preconceived ideas of what sex is “supposed to be” - it has made for a very satisfying and exciting sex life (then and now).
P. G.
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 07:32 pm: [report]
Basically that whole post could be quoted for personal relevance.
Taking too much from porn could hurt if you were disappointing numerous partners in a row. I think in a committed relationship, she’d speak up… sooner than later I’d hope. As said before, it’s about communication.
rrtt11
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 08:26 pm: [report]
I hate regular porn. Really fake women faking orgasms with no semblance of real sex. It is actually a turnoff and disgusting.
I much prefer real people filming themselves for the hell of it as it is real. If you are going to study technique then girl/girl is the way to go as they must know something I don’t plus it is really hot. So what, I am a cliche.
And my serious pet peeve is aforementioned “facials”
How is that hot? It also seems really demeaning to me but I guess some people like it because it is a porn cliche.
I would like to know if any women in this thread thinks “facials” are a turn on?
tweakerbell
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 01:24 am: [report]
my problem is not so much centered around the idea of what overexposure to porn does to influence a person’s sexual technique on the purely physical level. what i find much more problematic is the attitudes and beliefs that mainstream porn impresses on the minds of its target audience. in my experience (and i am experienced, to put it tactfully) it changes the way that they think about sex, and it can be crippling to a person’s capacity feel empathy for the people they have sex with. much of mainstream porn portrays sex in an almost adverserial, zero sum game sort of way. approaching sex in that manner has a good chance of being very damaging to anyone that you have sex with in the relationship context, because they usually become pretty tired of ending up as the “loser” when they didn’t even realize that any gratification that they might get is somehow supposed to be a threat to yours. i hope i am making sense with what i’m trying to say here… its kind of hard to articularly phrase the stuff in i’m thinking in my head since i’m very tired right now.
P. G.
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 07:38 am: [report]
This whole post should be quoted for personal relevance.
You’d probably just disappoint numerous casual partners in a row with this approach, but I’d hope if this was a problem in a committed relationship, the jilted party would (gently?) point out their dissatisfaction.
People who constantly refuse to take advice are basically ass out. But what about inexperienced people? Without communication(which seems to be the real problem here) should they not try to imitate porn(probably their only reference), at least at first, until they figure out what really works? Or would you rather they just fumble around aimlessly until you either take the lead or leave?
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]
if ur saying its a race to orgasm… again, people who think porn is what sex should really be like are losers. dont have sex with them. i watch it. i dont have sex like they do in porns. i would think most guys dont. if you find one that does, stop screwing him.
majicksand
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 10:24 am: [report]
It seems to me that people who could be so influenced by porn that it completely skews their outlook on sex are generally weak-minded anyway. Sex wouldn’t be the only area of their lives where they employed the “hive mind”, so chances are they would never get that far with me anyway.
C.Munro
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]
I don’t know about the whole giving up thing. That sounds a bit ... dramatic. I just look at it as enjoying a nihilistic period in my life.
BiancaDivine
wrote on November 4 2009 @ 06:13 pm: [report]
I think one of my lovers could stand to watch a little less porn. He’s addicted to the stuff, and can never be fully satisfied unless I’m in heels, stockings, and sexy (slutty) lingerie; he also asks for the most demeaning smut you’ve seen in a typical porno (there’s nothing wrong with wanting to finish on your girl’s tittays, booty, face, etc., but he will pout if I tell him, for once, to just come in the condom!).
He’s a nice enough guy, but I’ve had to remind him that sometimes I actually like to have sex when I don’t have to dress up like a porn star to do it. I feel bad for this dude’s eventual gf.
FireballXL5
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 04:47 pm: [report]
@majicksand
Yes. I’ve been enjoying porn since the 70s and even then, the boy/gril stuff was too much performance and not enough intimacy for me personally. Since the internet has opened up a wider selection than the old .25 cent booth, I find myself drawn to the better produced - and sometime amateur- girl/girl because of the intimacy in the vid. Yes, it is sometimes manufactured by professional actresses - but hey, they are pros. I can see where viewing that type of material could build up a false internal impression of what the ladies like. However, I would like to think that when the relationship has progressed to the “sex imminent’ level that we would be able to talk pretty openly about what she likes and hwo she’d like to be treated. I’d rather be led gently to her pleasure than try to knock the door down getting there.