Online Dating Dos And Don’ts
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
11:30AM, Thursday April 30th 2009
A friend of mine is tipping her toe into the online dating pool and has been asking me for advice on navigating the waters. So, in honor of her, and some of our very own Frisky staff who have been doing the same toe-tipping themselves, as well as anyone else out there who has wondered how to best maximize the opportunity, I present the Dos and Don’ts of Online Dating after the jump.
Do post a flattering recent photo of yourself that actually looks like you. Resist the urge to post the one photo you have that was taken in fantastic lighting and from a certain angle that makes you look a little bit like Angelina Jolie. Post the picture of you taken in fantastic lighting and from a great angle that looks like you — the you that people can expect to show up on a date.
Don’t use cliches in your profile. You like music and having fun? Great — so does everyone! If your idea of fun means flying kites, riding in bike races, and searching your city for the best imported Belgium beer, say that. Being specific gives people a better idea of your mutual compatibility, and it provides great conversation starters and ideas for dates.
Don’t bother responding to winks or messages from anyone that you aren’t interested in pursuing. If you haven’t gone out with a person yet, you don’t owe him or her a “sorry, but I’m not interested” message. Not responding will get the message across fine — and probably won’t sting as much.
Don’t e-stalk a potential match. Just because you can find out almost everything about a person online these days, doesn’t mean you should. Following someone’s every online move is creepy and unhealthy. Let him share things about himself the old-fashioned way, and you won’t risk making presumptions about him that may not be true or inadvertently reveal that you know something you shouldn’t.
Don’t go out with someone simply for “practice.” Only go out with people you think you could be attracted to, physically and intellectually. Dating someone you aren’t into for practice is like cooking a recipe you know you hate. You’ll dirty your dishes, but you won’t have anything to eat.
Do keep the email exchanges flirty, witty, and brief. A paragraph or two, sharing a funny anecdote or responding to something he or she shared with you is plenty. Save the life story for your memoir—or at least the third date.
Do keep things moving quickly. Respond to messages within a day or two (three tops!), and make plans to meet up in person after you’ve exchanged a handful of messages. If it’s been three weeks and you’re still emailing someone you haven’t made plans to meet, you aren’t looking for a date, you’re looking for a pen-pal.
Do protect your privacy. Keep your address, place of employment, and other personal information to yourself until you’ve gone out on at least a couple dates.
Do meet in public. Two words: Craigslist killer.
Do plan a first date that can be short and sweet, like lunch or a coffee date. The first date is to see if there’s a spark, which you can figure out in about five minutes. If there is one, you can always plan a longer, more intimate date for the next time.
Don’t get hung up on one person. Maybe you had some great email exchanges or met up for a date or two. Things seemed to be going well—and then he disappeared. If it happens, move on. Any number of things could have changed his situation or feelings and trying to figure out exactly what happened is fruitless, especially when you’re wasting valuable time you could be spending meeting someone else!
Don’t waste time on someone you don’t have chemistry with. Like I mentioned earlier, you’ll know in the first five minutes of meeting someone face-to-face if there’s a spark. If there isn’t even an inkling, don’t bother making a second date. Chemistry isn’t something you can create. It’s either there or it isn’t, regardless of how cute/smart/funny/rich you think the guy is.
Don’t take the rejection personally. Not only can you not be everyone’s type, there are plenty of reasons people pass on potential matches that have little to do with the other person. Maybe you look too much like the ex who broke his heart. His loss.
Do take a break if you’re getting discouraged. A bad attitude will get you nowhere fast. If you find yourself getting discouraged by the online dating waters, go sunbathe on the beach a bit and recharge. When you’re ready to come back in, you may find the tides have turned a bit, and there’s a whole new group of fish swimming around.
Do try a different site if the one you’re on is full of duds. You wouldn’t keep going to the same restaurant if you hated the food, would you?
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
cattgirl813
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 11:41 am: [report]
I agree with all of these except not responding to winks/messages. It may be uncomfortable, but everyone is entitled to some sort of response instead of being left hanging. Plus it’s as easy as hitting the “sorry not interested” button on so many of the sites. There’s also the block option if a person just won’t take no for an answer.
subpar
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
To elaborate on keeping your privacy: DON’T take messaging off the website (like from your e-mail address). Learned this the hard way. Don’t become Facebook friends, don’t GChat, don’t do any of it. PLEASE. From the bottom of my e-stalked heart. Spare yourselves.
sailor_girl
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
What is the proper etiquette when someone is constantly ‘winking’/sending messages even after you’ve clicked the ‘politely decline’ button? I feel terrible but I don’t see a 5’7’’ man as my perfect match.
cattgirl813
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 04:48 pm: [report]
@sailor_girl: Here’s what I would recommend. First, don’t reply to any further winks/messages from the person. That will just encourage him to contact you more. One “thanks, but no thanks” should be enough. Next, see if there’s a block function with your service. Most do. If there is, block his profile and that should stop the messages. Finally, contact the site’s admin or customer service section (especially if there’s no profile blocking) and report the person. The site will tell the guy to cut it out and, if necessary, take further action. And don’t feel terrible. You did everything right. Mr. Can’t Take No For An Answer is the one behaving badly. Good luck, and stay strong.
mikeyellenlee
wrote on April 30 2009 @ 10:15 pm: [report]
Does anyone know of a good website to start on? I’ve always wanted to try online dating, but I’m a little discouraged. Especially with the recent killings and all…
theoldman
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 08:14 am: [report]
Wendy I realize this is a generational thing but not responding is classless. It can happen where you meet in another social situation; I encountered someone who iced me at a charity event. Very embarrassing for her, but I didn’t say anything. To her credit, she sent an apology the next day; that is class. I have seen others who have been as classless as the originator and said, where many can hear, that the first person treated them as if they didn’t exist. Ask yourself if you like being iced. People who are on line do talk and you don’t want to be black balled.
Be very honest about age and use current, within the last year, pictures and don’t use too many. Using a picture of yourself with someone else without permission is legally dicey. Don’t use pictures with old BF/GF. Older women(but not all) LIE about age 3-7 years. Men do too because of the perception of how age boundaries on searches work.
Take time and learn to read between the lines on profiles, the very best don’t need to toot their own horn too loudly. Takes some work. The dead wood that will still be there five years later have great eye catching come ons but are too vain or arrogant to find someone who meets their standards.
subpar
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 09:01 am: [report]
@mikeyellenlee
OkCupid. I signed up sort of by mistake, but it’s easy to use and I like the way they match. Be forewarned, a TON of people have found me on that site that I know offline. It’s a small internet.
VicVicVictoria
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
I have some tips. One is no matter how much you get along with someone via email and even on the phone, don’t get too excited until you meet them. It’s always different in person. And on that note don’t email too much, the keeping it brief is a good idea too. So is the suggestion above about not giving them other ways to contact you outside the site. I set up a separate email account just for online guys so they couldn’t get any more information about me…
Sparkletag
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]
I have been chatting with a guy on FB for 5 weeks.
Initially, he was willing to drive FOREVER just to meet me. I was in another state and was checking out the place at length to see if I wanted to move there when I met him on a mutual friend’s page. As of last week, I moved back to my home state and we live about 3 hours apart. We agreed to meet tomorrow at a major tourist attraction that is halfway for both of us.
Last night I expressed hesitation at meeting in the agreed upon venue as 60 people that have visited this WORLDWIDE attraction are being tested for swine flu. I have no health insurance currently and do not want to go to what the media states is an “international hub for contagion.” After making fun of me for a while, he let up after I told him I would come to his city, rent a hotel room, and go on a date to meet him.
This morning after speaking to my friend she suggested he come to my town, as he was the initiator and has insisted repeatedly over these weeks that I am his “dream woman” and he sees a “future for us.” So, this am, I asked him to come to my town instead, without suggesting he get a hotel or inviting him to stay with me. I quickly received this response: “That is 6 hours roundtrip!!!!”
The conversation deteriorated rapidly after that with him stating “You are trying to make me the Bad Guy for not driving over” and “What happpened to halfway?” and “Talk to me, don’t let this unravel..”
MY QUESTION IS: Should I just go ahead and unfriend him from my FB now or try to work this out?
powplz
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
@SparkleTag: sounds a little psycho to me
Sparkletag
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]
Me or him? Unfriend him now?
theoldman
wrote on May 2 2009 @ 04:36 pm: [report]
First off if he is NOT willing to drive over he is going to be pushing you to compromise on everything. In light of the SARS issue he should be willing to wait 2-3 weeks to meet or be willing to come to your home town. I would not unfriend him that lacks class. Give him his options and then stand your ground. You will find out what he really thinks of you that way. That way he will expose himself for what he really is. Either he has the balls to drive to where you are(showing some sense of responsibility) or he proves he is a self centered jerk and you are better off without him.
powplz
wrote on May 2 2009 @ 06:06 pm: [report]
@SparkleTag: Him. Not you. He expects you to drive out but is outraged at the suggestion that he do the same thing? And then he turns something pretty minor into (date logistics) into a deliberate argument (he’s the bad guy now blah blah). Unless you’re actually enjoying this, you’re probably better off holding out for someone less dramatic.
SDpro
wrote on May 3 2009 @ 06:03 pm: [report]
I have been on online dating sites for almost 5 years and have my own dating site. I beg everyone that is on dating sites to be cautious and not to focus on one person until you are really sure that he or she is real and truthful.
What you see is not always what you get. There are some great people online, and there are equally many more not so honest people!!
firefly
wrote on May 3 2009 @ 07:20 pm: [report]
@subpar…I was afraid of the online stalking thing too, so I created a fake yahoo email. I used random initials for the owner, and a jewelery company as the handle. When I quit the site, I got rid of the email address and everyone in it I didn’t want to talk to anymore. Seemed to work ok for me so far!
Average Dude
wrote on May 3 2009 @ 10:20 pm: [report]
I would suggest that you post recent pictures of yourself. For me, a face only picture tells me that the woman has body image issues. And please, no pictures of scenery where you are not in it! I can just as easily find better pictures of a sunset, the Kremlin, the ocean, etc.
Sparkletag
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 08:59 am: [report]
Good Idea, Average Dude. I really like your picture though it is a little close up on the lips.
wawmama
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 07:42 am: [report]
I so agree about the don’t get so serious so quick. I recently got burned by this.
Average Dude
wrote on May 5 2009 @ 04:09 pm: [report]
@Sparkletag-Thanks. I especially like the fact that you’re a blind cat.
DancerNinja
wrote on May 8 2009 @ 07:32 am: [report]
I can usually get a pretty good idea from the initial phone conversation I’ve found. One guy was actually like “Why are you asking me all these questions? I feel like I’m being interviewed!” I was asking him about a workout program he said he wanted to tell me about in an email (I’m very much into athletics). What?
So, if you find on the phone there is no connection, it’s easier to just no call or email again. Some people want to skip the phone call before the meet thing I’ve found. Don’t do that, can really save time if there is no connection, and if there is, can make you more excited to meet him. (I have issues with not giving a rat’s @$$ about first dates.)
joseph reed
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 02:55 am: [report]
I have been contacted on FB a couple of times by a woman with no foto, no friends, no info at all, except a sexy screen name. I’m not sure what to think, any suggestions?
Lioozhe
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]
@Sparkletag and @joyy
Calling a guy psycho because you changed plans on him twice and he’s upset with that? Are you kidding me? Sounds to me like you aren’t examining your own part in the situation.
You tell him you’ll be somewhere and then back out, ok, understandable. Then you make other plans and back out of those as well? Sorry, but it seems more like you’re unstable and can’t keep your word than like he’s “psycho”.
Your original plans were a compromise, you were splitting the burden of the drive and sharing it. Why should the burden be entirely on one of you or the other? If you don’t want to meet at one place 1.5 hours away, why not meet at another?
doc
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 01:59 pm: [report]
“the sheer number of men available is overwhelming”
yikes… no online dating for me..
steventc
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 04:23 am: [report]
@doc, online dating does have a lot of single men but also provide filters, matching engines and other interesting tools to filter through and find the right person.